Class difference - if you're posh

[2022bebetter]

Posh people of MN, help me!

I have married into a very posh family. Not titled posh, but public school. DH and his brothers all lovely.

Sister, MIL and SIL clearly look down on me.

I know I shouldn't care and it's their problem etc but I feel so embarrassed when I clearly get stuff 'wrong'.

SIL in particular, will never correct me but quite often say 'I could never do xx, so tacky / common' knowing full well it's something I do! Most recently I have learnt that I say garage 'wrong'.

Wherever we go, they always dress so similar and I get it 'wrong'.

Obviously the easiest tip is not to care, but any advice from posh MNetters would be so gratefully received.

I can say safely they’re not genuinely posh. They wish they were but they’re not. Genuinely posh people don’t say stuff like that. They don’t even think it. Wannabe aspirational people who yearn to be UMC do. They make themselves feel good by hoping someone noticed they tried to put them down by pointing out they pronounced something “wrong”.

OP the secret is that anyone who makes statements about what's common or tacky is desperately trying to look posher than they are. Once you realise that they're constantly putting on an "aren't I posh" act then you can see how lame and ridiculous it all is. I bet you that when they're hanging out with even posher people they feel the imposter syndrome exactly like you do.

Also don't change yourself for them. My ex was seriously posh (I'm not) and I think I was a breath of fresh air for him. He was so sick of how stuffy and serious that whole world is.

I have friends that are genuinely super posh. I am so utterly not. Correcting anyone's speech is something they would never, ever, ever do. They would consider that the ultimate in deplorable manners. Tis why I love them.

Your life is too short for this rubbish. Plus you will never win, if you start changing the way you do things you’ll make them worse (if you change your pronunciation of garage they’ll just move on to the next thing), plus you will never get it quite right anyway. I really would focus on having some pride in your own background and achievements and if necessary go very low/ no contact if it’s getting to you. Plus as others have said they don’t sound truly posh in any case so nothing to try to emulate there anyway.

And they are not posh, they are vulgar.

Big mistake marrying into such a shower.

Your husband doesn't sound great if he is in denial about his mother and SIL.

He's calling you sensitive or a liar by denying your truth.

They sound intent on being unwelcoming.

Be careful OP.

@FriedTomatoe

Rule number 1: Classy people don't feel the need to put other people down because they know who they are.

Rule number 2: Only wannabees and hasbeens make other people feel bad about themselves.

I bet neither SIL or MIL have done anything with their lives.

This absolutely. No one I know that went to public school tried to be posh cos that is the way to look like a knob. Just ignore the pretentious twats.

From Frasier:

Martin: 'You know, I used to think you took after your mother, liking the ballet and all that. But your mother liked a good ball game too. She even had a hotdog once in a while. She may have had fancy taste but she had too much class to make me or anyone else feel second-rate.'

OMG they sound insufferable. What does your DH think of their behaviour?
My MIL once said to me "whatever else you are, at least you have given me grandchildren". Her attitude towards me changed when I told her she would never see any of them ever again unless she stopped her nasty snobbery.

SIL: "XYZ is so tacky/common! "
You: (hand gently on her arm, wide - eyed and earnest): "Gosh, SIL, I know you would never be classist, but some people might interpret it that way."

Well, you can just smile to yourself in the knowledge they are just wannabes, and actually quite "common" themselves

All the "proper" UC/titled people I have met through work and DH (I am council estate background myself) would try very hard to NOT act superior.

Basically, if you'd drink from the finger bowl, they'd all have a sip from theirs so as not to make you feel you'd done something wrong. That's what the Queen would do, I'm sure

So just don't worry and don't try. They are the ones in the wrong and with a distinct lack of class.

It all sounds very Real Housewives stuff, aspirational. I'm willing to bet the money is recently acquired and they are trying desperately hard to live up to what they think having money entails. Stuff them, treating people well is the classiest way to behave.

Do not give a shit. Seriously, do not. If you try to ape being posh you look like a try hard. And they don't sound posh. They sound like pathetic snobs who need to get their kicks by feeling superior to others. Genuinely 'posh' people have nothing to prove. They don't need to treat people as inferiors. Be who you are and do it with pride. Do not let these people intimidate you. I'd put a bet on that they behave rudely towards you because you are smarter/funnier/better looking than them, because why would they put someone down unless they viewed them as a threat?

If it makes you feel better, my parents in law are loaded + both v posh/fancy. He cuts up his spaghetti and she slurps her tea! 😬😬😬 my family are all public school and my father dresses like a hobo. No one should make you feel bad about yourself. It’s very twatty and lame - sort of thing insecure and pretentious idiots do.

If you feel unable to handle the situation, ask you husband,. He should be laying down the law with them all. I would be furious with my husband if he didnt intervene and cut them down to size with it all, if I didnt feel able.

I don’t think it’s anything to do with them being posh or different to you. It’s rudeness and being a shitty host.

the rude posh people I know are just rude because of their personality.

@2022bebetter

Well yes, I'd love to tell them to F off and not care but I do!

I just want to know what faux pas to avoid.

@Shiningpath I say 'garridge' which is common apparently.

@2022bebetter - You have had lots of good advice about ignoring them, but I know that it's not always easy and it isn't what you asking for - I have one set of v rich and posh cousins and know (but don't care) they think I don't really cut it socially... but it's easier if it's cousins than in laws.

Watch "In Pursuit of Love". BBC

Not only is it brilliant, it makes you realise how idiosyncratic posh people are - and how messed up - and why.

It's set during WW2 - but nothing much changes societally IMO.

This from someone who has had the piss taken out of me by a work colleague as I said we'd played monopoly and drunk port on Christmas Eve.... apparently that's posh. 🤨

In my experience... truly posh/ classy people don't make other people feel bad about themselves and try hard to make people feel at home.
The in between people are like how you are describing.
Too poor and insecure to play with the rich.
To up themselves to play with the poor.
Don't let the fact they send their kids to private school make you feel bad. Mine went to private school and I live in a two bed terrace.
It means nothing except they can budget

They're rude. Plain and simple. Don't bend to it, they'll still be rude. It's them that needs to change, not you.

@Supersimkin2

Gararrrge = common

Garidge = posh

OP you're right about that but wrong to take these ghastly little in-laws seriously.

Was it a very minor public school?

Correct. Garidge is posh, so these rude try-hards don't even know that they are talking about. The posher you are, the less you move your mouth when you talk - think Prince Charles.

[quote 2022bebetter]@Supersimkin2 Christ, what's the difference? Rugby for women. Harrow for men. [/quote]
Everyone who has been to Harrow is slightly odd and usually has a corrugated bottom

Rugby is a really weird choice for girls, if their brothers aren't there as well.

[quote 2022bebetter]@My200lbLife dinner etiquette is my weakness!

I once used the charger plate as my main plate that didn't go down well.[/quote]
As has already been mentioned, the truly posh would have made sure you never knew your error.

Class is not measured by how we say garage. Class is measured by how kind we are to others

@Tempusfudgeit

From Frasier:

Martin: 'You know, I used to think you took after your mother, liking the ballet and all that. But your mother liked a good ball game too. She even had a hotdog once in a while. She may have had fancy taste but she had too much class to make me or anyone else feel second-rate.'

This

Normally, I would recommend having a conversation with them, but these people don't care that they're being rude or hurting your feelings, so there's not point.

Never try to struggle to adapt to their standards - you will never be seen as one of them, never fit in, so don't even try to copy the way they pronounce or do things.

There's only one way for you to cope with snide comments OP, and that is to entertain yourself whilst your around them.

I would rev it up by saying things like 'Have you seen Love Island - I LOVE THAT SHOW' or just laugh when they make their comments and just say 'Oh bless you - only tacky rich people say things like that'.