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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Class difference - if you're posh

413 replies

2022bebetter · 29/12/2021 20:48

Posh people of MN, help me!

I have married into a very posh family. Not titled posh, but public school. DH and his brothers all lovely.

Sister, MIL and SIL clearly look down on me.

I know I shouldn't care and it's their problem etc but I feel so embarrassed when I clearly get stuff 'wrong'.

SIL in particular, will never correct me but quite often say 'I could never do xx, so tacky / common' knowing full well it's something I do! Most recently I have learnt that I say garage 'wrong'.

Wherever we go, they always dress so similar and I get it 'wrong'.

Obviously the easiest tip is not to care, but any advice from posh MNetters would be so gratefully received.

OP posts:
Catsstillrock · 29/12/2021 21:08

Agree with PPs that part of this is building your own self confidence to be true to yourself.

On the other hand, sometimes it’s more comfortable / polite to want to blend in.

My DH isn’t British and his family (especially MIL) are snobby and judgy and care a lot about things like the way you dress. Most of the time I do what works for me and when I’m with them I’m not dressed to the nines with tailoring and silk scarfs because I’m dressing to play and be active with our young kids.

But if we’re doing something like going to a family wedding there I just ask DH to help me choose something to wear that sends the right signals.

So, the times you want to blend in, can’t you just observe what they wear and go for something similar? Or ask whichever you feel is the nicest / kindest to go with you to choose a few things. Likely they’ll LOVE it and condescend the hell out of you, but they may then have to be more generous afterwards if you’re wearing something they chose.

For what it’s worth, truly posh and classy people would never behave like this. One of the definitions is having impeccable manners that put anyone at ease. I know a few. I have a couple of good friends with a full on country house with house keeper. When I stayed there and didn’t have appropriate stuff for a country walk they lent me wellies and a Barbour from the stuff they keep there.

In contrast SIL has never complimented me.
But her snobby meanness comes from a place of insecurity and jealousy so I let it slide on by.

She didn’t even say I looked good at my own wedding (I looked knock out Xmas Grin)
To fail to do that is so rude there isn’t anything to do but roll your eyes and laugh at their lack of class!

PegasusReturns · 29/12/2021 21:08

@2022bebetter no one with any class would ever make someone feel bad for not knowing “the rules”. So console yourself with that for a start.

It sounds like your in-laws are insufferable snobs so best ignored, however if you’re so inclined the rules can all be learned.

2022success · 29/12/2021 21:09

@Fleur405

Through my work I’ve met a lot of proper posh people (included landed gentry and titled aristocrats) - one thing they all have in common is impeccable manners and they would never ever be so rude. I know it’s not the question you asked but really these people are not posh they are just snobs and you should just try to ignore them. This behaviour says more about them than it does about you if you ask me! Sorry, they sound horrid!
I totally agree with this.

Sorry to break it to you OP - but the family you have married isn't really isn't all that if they use words like "common" to describe behaviour.

My DIL is a titled aristo. Seriously, the family pile is bigger than Downton Abbey. She is so absolutely lovely to everyone in our side of the family. She mucks in, is always pleasant and polite, and never makes me/DS feel inferior in any way. Likewise her parents and siblings who are very gracious and friendly.

I come from a council flat background myself, although DS had what most people would think of as a MC upbringing and has done very well academically/professionally.

Ignore them - just keep reminding yourself, they aren't what they think they are.

gogohm · 29/12/2021 21:09

My tips for fitting in include wearing conservative clothing eg skirts not too short, tops covering the hips so no chance of belly showing, heels not too high; learn to converse on topics they like discussing (obviously varies) perfecting the nodding with interest look; never too much make up; don't get drunk, use cutlery properly. Because of my work I often am in judgemental company so learned to pass... btw Dp's dm who is like your relatives has no idea I'm state school educated from inner London!

SilkLabrador · 29/12/2021 21:09

I once dated someone who said he would have elocution lessons before he was confident enough to meet my parents. He had so badly misjudged me as a person he didn't last long enough to even google it!

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 29/12/2021 21:12

@SilkLabrador it does in my house

Supersimkin2 · 29/12/2021 21:13

Gararrrge = common

Garidge = posh

OP you're right about that but wrong to take these ghastly little in-laws seriously.

Was it a very minor public school? Grin

Original poster
2022bebetter · 29/12/2021 21:14

@PegasusReturns how though? I don't even know the rules exist until I break them Grin

OP posts:
RingBinderInjury · 29/12/2021 21:14

GrinGrin @Supersimkin2

ChristmasRobins · 29/12/2021 21:14

Honestly, op, they all sound dreadful and your partner’s response is pretty unimpressive. From your description they don’t sound posh, just nasty.

Anordinarymum · 29/12/2021 21:14

@2022bebetter

Posh people of MN, help me!

I have married into a very posh family. Not titled posh, but public school. DH and his brothers all lovely.

Sister, MIL and SIL clearly look down on me.

I know I shouldn't care and it's their problem etc but I feel so embarrassed when I clearly get stuff 'wrong'.

SIL in particular, will never correct me but quite often say 'I could never do xx, so tacky / common' knowing full well it's something I do! Most recently I have learnt that I say garage 'wrong'.

Wherever we go, they always dress so similar and I get it 'wrong'.

Obviously the easiest tip is not to care, but any advice from posh MNetters would be so gratefully received.

Stop !

They may be 'posh' but they are not well bred because they are unkind and make you feel inferior.

Just be yourself and to hell with them and their silly rules. Honestly.

Original poster
2022bebetter · 29/12/2021 21:14

@Supersimkin2 Christ, what's the difference? Rugby for women. Harrow for men.

OP posts:
Mamette · 29/12/2021 21:15

SIL in particular, will never correct me but quite often say 'I could never do xx, so tacky / common' knowing full well it's something I do!

She sounds very insecure. Just laugh when she says these things. Not a MN “tinkly laugh”. Try a more “pppffft” dismissive smirk. She’s a bully worthy only of your contempt!

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 29/12/2021 21:15

I have no idea which is correct pronunciation so use 'garridge' for the place you take your car to to be fixed and 'garaaage' for what you park in at home (if you're re posh and have one - which I don't)

StoneofDestiny · 29/12/2021 21:16

You can only be put down by your own consent.

Be confident in yourself and who you are. Anybody who tries to 'act posh', 'puts others down' or tries to correct your speech, grammar, dress sense etc is utterly classless. They are trying to prove something and it's a clear sign of their own weakness and insecurity.

My answer would always be 'Do you aye? Each to their own' and repeat. They will soon stop when they realise you are comfortable in your own skin - and they will sound and look ridiculous.

Butteredtoast55 · 29/12/2021 21:17

OP I could have written your post 35 years ago, right down to the mispronunciation of garage. I was brought up to be polite and fairly acquiescent but I eventually realised that there were an endless number of ways I could 'get it wrong' and I stopped bothering and just did things as I was taught to do - politely and in the full knowledge that it was beyond the pale to ever make someone else feel small, inferior or inadequate.
Having children gave me more confidence to be myself as did one of my SILs marrying someone even posher than my in laws who they were always slightly intimidated by Grin. He would NEVER dream of belittling anyone. Also, my darling Dad would puncture the pomposity with his sense of humour and Eric Morecambe-esque behaviour so I could see their nonsense for what it was: snobbery, misplaced superiority and a desperate need to keep up appearances. Don't let them get to you - you are every bit as good as they are and most probably a lot nicer to know!

Just10moreminutesplease · 29/12/2021 21:17

You are not doing or saying anything ‘wrong’. People wear different clothes and pronounce words differently. That’s just life.

Lose the mindset that their way is automatically the right way... They are just being classist and rude.

If it were me I’d counter every remark with a tinkly laugh and “gosh, I can’t imagine being so hung up on whether something is common/how people pronounce garage/what someone is wearing to dinner!”.

Or smile and say “I do X” and wait for her to either backtrack or call you common to your face.

wetotter · 29/12/2021 21:18

@Donotgogentle

“I just want to know what faux pas to avoid.”

That’s impossible. If snobs are looking to catch you out there will be hundreds of bear traps: pronunciation, clothes, table manners, holiday destinations, schools etc, etc.

I wouldn’t squander a moment of your energy trying to pander to their nonsense. It’s a game you can’t win. There’s nothing whatsoever wrong with you and it’s really nasty of them to try and make you feel as if there is.

Oh so very true.

And doubly dpsi fir this lot who sound very Valerie Jones (do read 'Rivals' and 'The Man Who Made Husbands Jealous' by Jillly Cooper - dated but fun and you'll feel heaps more confident about just being yourself.

And will spot all their faux pas much more easily,

ufucoffee · 29/12/2021 21:19

In all of my dealings with v posh people they have been so polite I've had no idea if they were looking down their noses at me. I'm very common. This means your OH's family aren't as posh as they think they are. I suspect they may be new money Smile

Rainartist · 29/12/2021 21:19

Another vote for be yourself. Their opinion is nothing in the wider scheme of things.

They're just rude, anyone who makes reference to "being common" is.

sansucre · 29/12/2021 21:20

Properly posh people won't comment on or even care about what you are doing 'wrong'. The fact your SIL is making digs at you rather demonstrates she is lacking in class, and not entirely comfortable in herself. Just be confident in your choices and don't let their issues affect you.

BlueRabbitWasNaughty · 29/12/2021 21:21

Some people have me down as 'posh' due to the way I speak.... I say garidge 🤷‍♀️ be confident in yourself, there is no right or wrong.

FangsForTheMemory · 29/12/2021 21:21

I don't think I've ever heard anyone say garahge in my life, so they are really putting that on. I don't say garridge either, I'm somewhere in the middle. Agree with PPs, they are being nasty to you. That's about them, not about you.

AliceAbsolum · 29/12/2021 21:21

Are they old middle class? Or new money rich?

doadeer · 29/12/2021 21:21

Don't change who you are. Your DH doesn't want to be married to someone like his sister and sis in law otherwise he wouldn't have chosen you.

They could be insecure too. If they were secure not sure why they would put you down unless they are just brats.

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