Class difference - if you're posh

[2022bebetter]

Posh people of MN, help me!

I have married into a very posh family. Not titled posh, but public school. DH and his brothers all lovely.

Sister, MIL and SIL clearly look down on me.

I know I shouldn't care and it's their problem etc but I feel so embarrassed when I clearly get stuff 'wrong'.

SIL in particular, will never correct me but quite often say 'I could never do xx, so tacky / common' knowing full well it's something I do! Most recently I have learnt that I say garage 'wrong'.

Wherever we go, they always dress so similar and I get it 'wrong'.

Obviously the easiest tip is not to care, but any advice from posh MNetters would be so gratefully received.

And never show them that you feel insecure or cowed. I make a point of talking about having my tea (never Supper or dinner), and sometimes accompany it with a reference to being such a peasant. Keep going with the garridges!

Unless they are landed old money aristocrats or royals, they’re not worth the investment of your worries. And then, they really don’t care how common you might be.

If they are pulling you up on faux pas and teasing you, they are highlighting their own struggle and insecurities to appear posh. Real upper class people don’t give a flying insert swear word here about this stuff. Show your poise and mettle by ignoring it or rolling your eyes.

They aren’t smart, OP. They sound like hyacinth bucket albeit they found a bit of money to send their kids to boarding school to try and climb the ladder a bit. Charger plates? Very Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen. garaaaaage? Hyacinth. Probably have a drawer full of fish forks and napkin rings as well. Please don’t copy them, you will be learning bad habits and I am sure you are much nicer and more authentic than they are.

@RingBinderInjury

Fuck me. Charger plates and garahhge.

These people aren’t posh OP.

Did you marry into the Rees-Mogg family? Gah-rahge sounds terribly affected to my ears. What a pair of horrors.

Tips and advice won't help because your in laws aren't posh, they're crass. Unless you wish to portray a pretentious, bourgeois arsehole for the duration of your marriage, you're never going to fit in.

You just need to start responding in kind.
'Oh, do forgive my lowly upbringing, one wasn't aware it was the done thing to refer to company as common, one was led to believe that was awfully vulgar'

'I say old thing, isn't it frightfully new money to comment on my pronunciation?'

Be yourself always. Rich or poor, posh or rough as dog biscuits absolutely everyone likes and respects authentic.

Do not attempt to “fit”. If you aren’t their sort ( and this could be the roughest of rough) there’s no point. It will grate.

They’re not posh.

We’re quite posh. I wasn’t but I married into it. The family really doesn’t care what people think. They also didn’t care about my background because they liked me (and probably needed fresh genes )
Know several families far posher, they look like scarecrows, generally. They don frocks on occasion: they usually belonged to granny.

Honestly, most people don’t care.

I think you should just smile sweetly and say "I love how dh is so posh he always says thank you for a blow job - I expect you're just used to that".

Ps smart people NEVER say ‘posh’ or ‘classy’. It’s a definite tell!

Remember: anyone who describes someone/something as "common" (or "ignorant") is common. And ignorant.

I actually meant that - and I mean this too: just be you. That's who your DH fell in love with.

My late, beloved husband was working class background, mine was very middle class. We just giggled about the differences .. you will have to try to see the ridiculousness of your female in-laws' behaviour so that instead of feeling lesser, you can have a good old snigger in your head! xx

Don’t try to fit in, but rather challenge her in the same PA manner she uses, so:
SIL ‘it’s so common to do XYX’
You: ‘how unusual to think that, I find having an open mind is very enriching’ or whatever suits the discussion topic. Use a laugh afterwards.
However your DH should be fighting your corner and telling them to belt up.

Urgh it would make me go the other way and speak with a real cockney sparrar Eliza Doolittle type accent and maybe do the occasional jig?

My posh friends father once asked Dh if he “had any ancestors” 🙄😁

My MIL cannot stand my table manners, mostly because I use cutlery in the wrong hands. She mentions it every meal and I always smile and say that it's the way I've always done it.

No one way is "wrong" and there's no room in life to worry about silly things like that. Who cares about impressing people that rude? Fuck them!

We are not British, so the concept of "posh" is slightly different, but I come from a very well-educated and highly intellectual high-achieving family. My uncle (my mum's younger brother) married a woman from a very remote village who is anything but. I will be honest and say that even 20 years later, we cannot understand why or "accept" that he can enjoy sharing his life with someone who is not his equal in any way. However, that hasn't stopped them staying together ot having 4 kids. We let them fo their own thing, but we will never be close to her. My uncle comes to visit us a lot, but she never does. To be honest, there is nothing you can do to change this situation. Just live your life and let them live theirs.

@Shiningpath

How are you saying ‘garage’?

Ga ridge ??? Perhaps

I can’t win personally - at my rural comp I was deemed hopelessly posh and uncool at university when I got in with public school set I was seen as practically a chav for not having boarded at St Mary’s Wantage 😁

Apologies for the typos

@Nenemum

Unless they are landed old money aristocrats or royals, they’re not worth the investment of your worries. And then, they really don’t care how common you might be.

If they are pulling you up on faux pas and teasing you, they are highlighting their own struggle and insecurities to appear posh. Real upper class people don’t give a flying insert swear word here about this stuff. Show your poise and mettle by ignoring it or rolling your eyes.

And the myths keep coming. ‘Real upper class people’ do x.

Why would ‘old money aristos’ or ‘royals’ be worth investing in worrying about? Have you seen our royal family?

My father’s family were British landed gentry but of the lesser type, as in, no direct line to the Queen or Princess Anne. At most they knew the royal family gossip through their friends. However, there was plenty of pheasant and grouse shooting, smelly wellies, labs, filthy cars, freezing Scottish castles, bizarre afternoon tea routines and a very packed social calendar.
I grew up abroad and was constantly corrected on speech by them and bizarre table etiquette eg putting bits of rock salt on the side of your plate, cutting perfect amounts of butter off with the butter knife and right way to peel an orange with a knife etc. It is supper and pudding not dinner or dessert. Is this what you mean? All rather old fashioned - “very vulgar darling to eat a sandwich in the streets”, but fine to have a picnic pretty much anywhere in the countryside with the appropriate blanket...

If you want to be like them surely you just observe and copy them or else just ignore the whole thing because what is the point? I think dress code for various events you should perhaps observe and take guidance on but the rest, you will never be like them nor would you want to? They cultivate their own bizarre social markers for a reason namely to recognise their true inner circle and you get this kind of behaviour in other countries amongst similar elites as well, just different markers. It is all rather pointless and bizarre.

To describe your in laws my incredibly lovely (and obscenely wealth/“posh”) grandma would have used the phrase “Unsure, those people are ALL fur coat and no knickers” before being completely lovely to them and never once pulling them up for their lack of manners. “It takes nothing to to be kind but it gives everything”!

Your in laws should learn these phrases and add to them a bit of class. You are doing it your way, as long as you aren’t hurting anyone, you are doing RIGHT! Sod them, I guarantee you that they aren’t doing it to make you feel small but to make themselves seem better than they are.

The upper class don't give a hoot. They MAKE the rules and live in that knowledge. Your in laws suffer from status anxiety, a sure sign that they do not "belong" - hence the nasty comments. I think Britain is so international by now, many etiquette rules are not as clear cut as they used to be anway and to put someone down based on the pronunciation of a word is just pitiful.

You could read Kate Fox's "Watching the English" if you haven't already. It is quite amusing and gives good insight in many aspects of class. "Status anxiety" by Alain de Botton might be another good one - it would also make a great present for your in laws . Read an etiquette book if it makes you feel more secure, but stay true to yourself. Don't join the rat race or you might end up being as awful as they are!

@MsTSwift

Urgh it would make me go the other way and speak with a real cockney sparrar Eliza Doolittle type accent and maybe do the occasional jig?

My posh friends father once asked Dh if he “had any ancestors” 🙄😁

Yes I was going to say this as well - I’d revert to my best Manc accent and balls to what they think.

@XelaM do you think she never visits because she knows you don't accept her?

Maybe he married her because they are in love, get a long and have fun together?

Hi OP - I could have written this post 10 years ago. My MIL did exactly the same - I also say ‘garage’ incorrectly! I took it all to heart at first but soon realised she was trying to help me (in her own very strange way). Thinks like not cutting a bread roll in half and buttering it all, instead putting butter on my plate and breaking a bit off at a time and buttering only that piece. Blew my mind to discover that was the proper etiquette! Haha! My ILs were in the army so I think a lot of it comes from having to do things ‘properly’ there (60s, 70s, 80s) possibly not like that now. But it does amuse me when my MIL comes out with a little gem now and again. I also dress incorrectly for occasions 🙄 Don’t let it get you down - my husband and I just laugh about it now! Oh forgot my favourite - it’s rude to say ‘pardon’ if you haven’t heard someone apparently - it should be ‘I beg your pardon’

The difference in the pronunciation of garage is a regional thing (and, to a lesser degree, a class marker).
I agree with posters above that the MOST ill-mannered thing is to point out another's "mistakes" (although, in this case, you didn't make a mistake) or to make another person uncomfortable. They are the bad-mannered ones.
I'd also think through this more. What are they really saying? That someone with your accent isn't as good? Isn't as intelligent? (I found this at university, where there was significant prejudice against my northern accent, with the idea that someone who spoke like me couldn't be as smart...). That's absolute nonsense and also really really awful. Imagine going through life with such a warped view of the world.
Don't let them get to you. Take pride in yourself, in what you know, in how you speak.