Class difference - if you're posh

[2022bebetter]

Posh people of MN, help me!

I have married into a very posh family. Not titled posh, but public school. DH and his brothers all lovely.

Sister, MIL and SIL clearly look down on me.

I know I shouldn't care and it's their problem etc but I feel so embarrassed when I clearly get stuff 'wrong'.

SIL in particular, will never correct me but quite often say 'I could never do xx, so tacky / common' knowing full well it's something I do! Most recently I have learnt that I say garage 'wrong'.

Wherever we go, they always dress so similar and I get it 'wrong'.

Obviously the easiest tip is not to care, but any advice from posh MNetters would be so gratefully received.

I would just pause, laugh openly at SIL's comment and say, "Oh really? Ha ha, bless you." Then carry on.

They are not posh, they are rude and spiteful. The poshest folk I know (with and without titles) would never be so rude as to comment on your pronunciation, taste or any other personal attribute.

Call them out on it, "I hope you did not mean to be rude, but I am feeling uncomfortable/hurt by what you just said to me and would rather you kept such comments to yourself in future".

your dh should help you

@FangsForTheMemory

they sound like proper jumped up nothings to me

I can tell you, someone genuinely posh would rather hang out with Daisy and Onslow than with Hyacinth Bucket.

This. We’ve all known a Hyacinth, OP. Fur coat and no knickers 🤣😂🤣

“ I have married into a very posh family. Not titled posh, but public school “

This explains their arrogance and feeling of superiority.
Your SIL puts her knickers on one leg at a time same as you or me.

I’m sure it’s already been mentioned on this thread (‘I’ve only read the first page or so) but the fact that they go round saying things are tacky and common is in itself incredibly tacky and common! Truly!! They are not as posh as you think and are clearly insecure if they feel they have to differentiate themselves from others with this sort of comment. They’re lucky you’re still being nice to them

Read Class by Jilly Cooper-old but good. And ‘garridge’ is correct. Garrarge is very Hyacinth Bouquet.

And you can always just ask them if they meant to be rude? Normally shuts people up.

'You are so kind to point that out thank you' - on repeat every single time.

Move away if possible or change the subject immediately. Do not listen or allow them to pick you up/correct you. Not now, not ever.

It should also be agreed with dh that he calls them out if he is with you. Why is he not already doing that? I would also encourage him to have a word with his parents to tell them how unwelcome you BOTH feel, and that could lead to him wishing to spend less time with them in the future. That should slow them down.

Ultimately you must not try to change who you are, but I would seriously consider distancing yourself, and be very honest with your dh as to why you prefer not to see them very much.

There is nothing 'posh' about being rude, always remember that.

You will always be able to take the higher road with natural good manners and rising above their petty comments with dignity.

There is a certain type of person who uses the word ‘common’. It certainly isn’t used by anyone with a modicum of class and grace 🤷🏻‍♀️

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”.
This is a well-known quote which helped me a lot through the years, since I felt inferior to just about everyone when I was young. You have nothing you need to fix or change. Just be yourself and confident in who you are!

Honestly don’t scrabble round trying to fit in or caring you will cringe and kick yourself later when you get older and look back.

This happened to my lovely aunt. We are not posh (teachers / doctors / vicars our recent ancestors) though my mother and siblings went to public school but only because it was funded by the church. My aunt married into a grand family and her mil was like yours - snidey comments deep disapproval of breast feeding and my aunts job (nurse).

My aunt so saintly though she ended up looking after both the in laws in their old age and mil would tell anyone who would listen that her son “had married very well”…

Quite right! - money can't buy class, in fact in many cases it's a positive hindrance - as my DM used to say.

And yes, they do sound rather vulgar and not quality people at all :D

@Fridafever

I think what I’m mainly getting from this thread is that most of mumsnet think it’s impossible for upper class people to be unpleasant. The forelock tugging is absolutely hilarious.

Yup. UC people are just as likely to be a shower of bastards as anyone else, regardless of their fabled dog-hair-covered tweeds and battered estates.

@immersivereader

God I'd have to take the piss out of them, majorly.

'Spoken to Megan recently??'
'Is it a napkin or a serviette??'
'How does one hold this frigging fork??'

Etc etc

If we said 'napkin' they'd call it something else. It's all about gatekeeping.

I’d have fun and each and every time I had such a comment I’d be saying, ‘oh I keep forgetting how aspirational you are! I’m just not used to it’. Ask if it’s tiring being aspiring, ask what she feels gets her noticed best etc

Just say ‘thanks Hyacinth’ and roll your eyes. You need to stand up for yourself

The first rule of being proper posh is to make everyone feel at their ease when they are with you. The proper posh certainly wouldn't say anything about the way anyone spoke. As a child I lived on the estate of an Earl, my family were tenant farmers and my friends were the children of the butler and chauffeur. If any members of the "family" came across you they would be polite and friendly. As an adult I've noticed the main hallmark of most people educated at public school is a real social ease, polite and friendly with everyone.
In 2021 all accents are acceptable, indeed the BBC promotes regional accents and I do;n't think many people aspire to RP English now.
I don't think your in-laws are posh, I think they are just entitled and rude. Don't give them a second thought and just carry on as you are.

@foxgoosefinch brilliant poem, thanks!

I’m afraid they don’t sound “posh” to me given they are completely lacking in manners, class and etiquette. They sound on a level with Hyacinth Bucket

I would use the MN standard “did you mean to be so rude?” And ignore them

They sound rude, not posh. The poshest landed titled person I know is as friendly to the street cleaner as they are to the aristos. Class = knowing how to behave in a way that makes everyone feel welcome, not sneering at or belittling people less fortunate.

True good manners boil down to consideration of others. My truly posh friends are genuinely interested in other peoples views - they are secure in their poshness and engage with people on level terms and at face value, rather than looking down on them. These relatives of yours are just rude and uptight.

Does your SIL have a Mercedes’, sauna and room for a pony OP? Asking for a friend 😉

@XelaM
Wow. Your family might well be 'highly educated' but you all sound pretty ignorant. No wonder she stays away....