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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Class difference - if you're posh

413 replies

2022bebetter · 29/12/2021 20:48

Posh people of MN, help me!

I have married into a very posh family. Not titled posh, but public school. DH and his brothers all lovely.

Sister, MIL and SIL clearly look down on me.

I know I shouldn't care and it's their problem etc but I feel so embarrassed when I clearly get stuff 'wrong'.

SIL in particular, will never correct me but quite often say 'I could never do xx, so tacky / common' knowing full well it's something I do! Most recently I have learnt that I say garage 'wrong'.

Wherever we go, they always dress so similar and I get it 'wrong'.

Obviously the easiest tip is not to care, but any advice from posh MNetters would be so gratefully received.

OP posts:
Mother87 · 29/12/2021 23:22

The very worst thing you can do, is try to emulate them... That would be making a presumption that they are somehow 'better' than you. And whatever/however you try & change to 'fit-in', they will remain hyper-critical. Their insecurity and lack of confidence of their man-made/mythical 'position' is their problem - don't make it yours...

puddlesofmothers · 29/12/2021 23:23

@2022bebetter

Posh people of MN, help me!

I have married into a very posh family. Not titled posh, but public school. DH and his brothers all lovely.

Sister, MIL and SIL clearly look down on me.

I know I shouldn't care and it's their problem etc but I feel so embarrassed when I clearly get stuff 'wrong'.

SIL in particular, will never correct me but quite often say 'I could never do xx, so tacky / common' knowing full well it's something I do! Most recently I have learnt that I say garage 'wrong'.

Wherever we go, they always dress so similar and I get it 'wrong'.

Obviously the easiest tip is not to care, but any advice from posh MNetters would be so gratefully received.

These people aren't posh they're just unpleasant. They aren't in anyway shape or form something to aspire to, really you should feel a bit sorry for them. Money and class has nothing to do with someones worth or likeability. If they had any class they would know this 🤣
youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/12/2021 23:23

"Gosh that came across as a real dig at me, did you mean it to?"

"Goodness, that sounded rude. Was it meant to be?"

"Could you explain why? I would love to know the history behind (insert the thing they mentioned here) as it must be ever so important to have pointed it out mid conversation!"

"I thought it was rude to call someone or something common. Is it not?"

"Lucky I'm comfortable with myself, isn't it?"

"You do know I'm aware that you're referring to something I do?"

"Goodness, it must be exhausting worrying about what other people think all the time."

They sound horrible and joyless OP.

TheLeadbetterLife · 29/12/2021 23:24

Omg, is People Like Us / PLU a thing?

My cousin used this phrase once, and I didn’t know what she meant (my side of the family is definitely not People Like Them!).

puddlesofmothers · 29/12/2021 23:26

[quote 2022bebetter]@My200lbLife dinner etiquette is my weakness!

I once used the charger plate as my main plate Grin that didn't go down well.[/quote]
Unless the charger plate is minimum 7th generation it's tacky and should be lobbed!

wanttomarryamillionaire · 29/12/2021 23:28

@ShirleyPhallus

These people may be upper class but they certainly ain’t classy. The poshest people I know are AMAZINGLY good with people from all walks of life and put them at ease so well. Likewise, the working class people I know are also so themselves that they put everyone at ease.

It’s the try-hard middles and upper-middles that make a big deal about class (see: most of mumsnet) but the classiest people will never make you feel like that, so please try not to worry or change to fit in!

Exactly this
Drywhitefruitycidergin · 29/12/2021 23:32

They obviously have huge delusions of grandeur. In my limited experience the genuinely posh/rich/old money are very laid back and accepting.
Be yourself - you'll only get it "more wrong" and they'll look down on you for trying too hard. Ignore, ignore, ignore. They are genuinely classless.

Fr0thandBubble · 29/12/2021 23:33

OK I'll play! Here are some off the top of my head:

  1. Say "what?" (never "pardon")
  2. It's lunch (not dinner)
  3. An informal evening meal at home is supper (dinner if you are going out or having a formal dinner party). And it shouldn't be earlier than 8pm.
  4. Don't say "lounge" or "living room" (say sitting room)
  5. Never say "posh", "classy", "common" or use the phrase "PLU"
  6. The grandest people I know couldn't care less about table manners (will often start eating before others have been served, or shovel things up with their fork in their right hand, etc.) - but the one thing you will never see them doing is holding their knife like a pen.
  7. Never show any signs of chippiness.
  8. Act as confidently as you can - have some interesting things to say at dinner (and preferably some funny anecdotes)
  9. Never act at all embarrassed of, or try to hide, your background or what school you went to or what your parents did.
10. Don't have false, or gel, or overly long nails, or wear nail polish that is anything other than one plain colour. 11. Don't wear false lashes or get filler in your lips or wear heavy fake tan or anything like that. 12. Never fill a wine glass more than half full. Hold champagne and white wine glasses by the stem. 13. Photos should be framed and stand on something (not hung on a wall). Only exception to this is the downstairs loo, where you can hang interesting photos like your old Eton cricket team photo ;). 14. It's "loo", not "toilet". 15. It's "sofa" not "settee". 16. In your house, don't have a feature wall or any naff signs saying things like "Live, Love, Laugh". Big televisions are a big no-no. 17. If you are going to stay at someone's house for the weekend, take chocolates or flowers (not wine). 18. Be extremely prompt and fastidious in sending thank-you letters.

If I think of any more I'll come back! (I'm not "posh" by the way, but have extremely grand in-laws!)

Tightwad2020 · 29/12/2021 23:34

If you want to be really posh you would write 'if I were you', subjunctive doncha know!

Correct (or austere, depending on your viewpoint) grammar isn't posh. Just accurate. (misses point).

Fr0thandBubble · 29/12/2021 23:36
  1. Say "pudding" not "dessert".
lobsteroll · 29/12/2021 23:41

They are not posh, they are snobs.

I can understand why it bothers you and why you want to avoid making mistakes but it would help you so much if you actually managed to train your brain to just laugh it off because they are so pathetic.

They must have so little going on in their lives if they trouble themselves with this kind of thing.

Don't change for other people. No matter what you do they will judge you because they just aren't nice.

SpeedRunParent · 29/12/2021 23:41

OP you have run headlong into the middle class. They are the worst of social climbers and, in singling you out for ridicule, are exposing their own need to be seen to fit in. They are wealthier than the sprawling lower middle class - on whom they look down - but just not wealthy enough to reach the dizzying heights of upper middle class.
I came from east London, working class., Have worked for high net worth individuals and upper middle / upper class people and even the twats amongst them had the class not to humiliate people for being different. Your DH's family are not classy, they are just deluded in thinking they are better than you. Fuck 'em.

lobsteroll · 29/12/2021 23:43

Sorry, and also meant to say, be yourself and be as confident as possible with who you are and what you stand for. This will disarm them.

mathanxiety · 29/12/2021 23:49

I suspected they were a bunch of poseurs when I was reading your OP, @2022bebetter, but when you mentioned charger plates I knew it.

My dad came from seriously old money, and I never saw hide nor hair of a charger plate at my grandmother's dining table. Have seen them at plenty of tacky weddings though.

Anyone who can stump up the money can go to public school. They love you as long as your cheques don't bounce.

If you want to figure out all the table palaver, find an online demo.

If you want a good laugh at it all, treat yourself to 'Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour', by Judith Manners.
Get it shipped from the US if you can't find it in the UK.

Mi888 · 29/12/2021 23:50

SIL: 'I could never do xx, so tacky / common'
You: 'Hmm yes. You know, I find people who use that word - common - to be lacking in character and personality, generally. Oh, obviously not you, though.'

MrsBaublesDylan · 29/12/2021 23:50

I would tackle this with a short, sharp shock.

Next time something is said, look them square in the eye and say coldly: "I hope you are not passing judgement on me - I would never do something so tacky."

AprilMayAnne · 29/12/2021 23:50

If they're going to make you feel awkward and imply you're 'common' I'd have no qualms with making them quite aware of their own rudeness. That doesn't mean being unpleasant to them, just a light schooling on what's kind to say and what's not.

DH gave a materclass in this with with some very posh friends of his who I used to feel very awkward around. DH is standard middle class background. We went to a dinner party they hosted and when DH had to ask what a poussin was he was treated by the group like a total pleb. When conversation moved on to what everyone's favourite game bird was and their pros and cons (including shooting etc) DH loudly proclaimed that his favourite game bird was eagle. We all laughed it off, it broke the tension DH and I were feeling and they got back in their box.

When it comes to their day to day oddities, as long as they're not being rude just try to let it wash over you!

Hawkins001 · 29/12/2021 23:53

@Pallisers

Indeed, and sometimes no matter how good of an asset you can be, family can win more often than not.

Considering a wife as an asset is a bit odd isn't it? But in any case if family "win" their son back over the pronounciation of garage, really will the OP have lost that much?

"asset [ˈasɛt] NOUN a useful or valuable thing or person. "

From Google.

sixteenminutes · 30/12/2021 00:01

@FriedTomatoe

Rule number 1: Classy people don't feel the need to put other people down because they know who they are.

Rule number 2: Only wannabees and hasbeens make other people feel bad about themselves.

I bet neither SIL or MIL have done anything with their lives.

You do realise your last comment is about making the Sil and Mil feel bad…It’s hard to be classy! OP you need to not care, there is no other way - they will pick on things even when they are not things. They don’t like you, you can’t make them, I would expect your dh to step in and nip this shit in the bud though, this is his family and he should sort it out.
5thnonblonde · 30/12/2021 00:07

If SIL is maybe 3-5 years older than you when she criticises just look confused and say ‘maybe it’s a generational thing’ You’re calling her old but looking like you’re too stupid to realise it Grin

1967buglet · 30/12/2021 00:07

I married into a posh family, but I get away with being gauche sometimes because I am American. Grin Seriously, when I went to dinner in hall with DH at Cambridge, he told me beforehand a bit about the rituals, cutlery, fish knives, etc so I was prepared. It was fine, and the way family should be…supportive and kind. I’d be friends with those in your family who are nice to you, and ignore the catty behaviour of those who aren’t. When they realise they can’t wind you up/make you feel uncomfortable, they will stop.

UserBot99 · 30/12/2021 00:07

Really channel not caring. That will serve you better. If they sense you trying to figure out which fish knife to use it will only perpetuate the narrative that in the category of class you're inferior. The narrative you want to push/ believe in, and live is that in the category of character, your values are above reproach and they're letting themselves down.

xx

1967buglet · 30/12/2021 00:08

@5thnonblonde

If SIL is maybe 3-5 years older than you when she criticises just look confused and say ‘maybe it’s a generational thing’ You’re calling her old but looking like you’re too stupid to realise it Grin
Brilliant
POLLYprosecco1 · 30/12/2021 00:09

OP I imagine I am going to get heavily flamed for this because my experience goes against the grain here - I have quite the opposite problem and for that I can deeply sympathise with you. The family I married into are working class northerners from a tight knit community (I am also a northerner btw) and complete inverse snobs. They don’t bother with me or my children because their son has done well for himself career-wise, and instead, they resent us living as they see it ‘a life of privilege Down South’. I have always tried to get along with them but we have no common ground at all Confused

sashh · 30/12/2021 00:10

[quote 2022bebetter]@My200lbLife dinner etiquette is my weakness!

I once used the charger plate as my main plate Grin that didn't go down well.[/quote]
Oh dear, how common. Not using it as a plate but actually having a 'charger plate'.