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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have handled it this way re DS and DIL?

469 replies

MagnifyingGlasses · 29/12/2021 13:01

A year and a half ago my DS wanted to leave his wife and 2 young DC. We never got to the bottom of why he did, he just said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own. DIL was very upset and I found out about this because she called me up to tell me he was leaving and was worried about him. DS didn't tell us himself.

After this we tried to support DS and both DH and I and his siblings gave him support by offering him a place to stay and bring the DC etc. It didn't get to this stage though as DS decided he wanted to stay with his family and DIL.

Since then I feel my relationship, and that of DH and my other DC, has deteriorated drastically with DIL. We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house, but it feels strained and she no longer opens up around us.

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

Could this be repairable? WWYD?

OP posts:
Pbbananabagel · 29/12/2021 14:31

Appreciate you want to have a ‘long talk’ with her but actions will speak louder than words. You and your other DC need to be the ones putting the effort in now with her and the kids. You need to apologise unreservedly and without trying to validate ot excuse your behaviour. Good luck:

Cactuslove · 29/12/2021 14:32

Does she actually want a 'long talk' with you though? Maybe write her a card- send her something that she can respond to if she wants. If I was forced to discuss what happened in your dils shoes I would be livid tbh and it would probably be the final nail. I think she's just treating you all with civility because she has to because you're her husband's family. But this was entirely caused by your son and then your actions. If she's not being rude just leave her alone she has set new boundaries that everyone should respect.

bewilderedhedgehog · 29/12/2021 14:33

Oh dear. My ex husbands family were similar and I have never forgiven them. It would have been very easy for you to offer support to both of them. I suspect she is now doing what I also did, which was to make sure that my children maintained relationships with their father's family - but it wasn't because I wanted to, but because it felt like the right thing to do. All I can suggest is a huge and heartfelt apology from you - but it may not be enough and it will take time for her to move past this.

Lovelymincepies · 29/12/2021 14:34

My ex's whole entire family did this to me and my son. He walked out and not one of them contacted me or asked if we were okay. He'd had an affair and left me, I hadn't done anything wrong and my son certainly hadn't.

It is an utterly vile thing to do to another human being. You need to massively apologise to her but quite frankly you will never fully repair this. She must have felt incredibly hurt and dispensable.

My ex's family also stopped seeing my son when he chose not to despite me sending them messages and trying to maintain contact, all went ignored. His Dad has popped back into his life a couple of times but it never lasts long. My son wants nothing to do with any of them now.

itsgettingweird · 29/12/2021 14:34

She was still the mother of your GC and he was still you DGC even if your ds split up.

You know this - hence why you've mentioned it.

What you do is acknowledge you should have supported her and didn't and apologise.

Beautiful3 · 29/12/2021 14:36

Honestly, you ignored her and your grand children for 3 months? She must have been beside her self with worry. To have been abandoned by you all when most vunerable, must have made her realise she cannot ever rely on you. Think you should talk to her, and apologise for the way you handled things. I feel really sorry for her.

Summersnake · 29/12/2021 14:38

Oh dear god
The answer is in your question
Are u for real ????
You didn’t contact her for 3 months ,you didn’t ask how she was ,you didn’t ask if she needed support .you didn’t ask how your grandchild was ?
Absolutely no fucking wonder she’s cold with you

WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 29/12/2021 14:38

You didn’t bother to see or check up on your Gc for 3 months? Hmm
Your grandchildren are also your family so why didn’t you give a shit about them in all this?
If my adult son turned deadbeat and abandoned his young infant children I’d prioritise the innocent dgc.
Btw you should probably drop the “d” from “dgc” they’re clearly not very “dear” to you.

rainrainraincamedowndowndown · 29/12/2021 14:38

Tbh, when your dil contacted you for your support, you could have given her. But instead, you cut her off. It must have been really scary time for her and the children, losing her partner and their father.

She must have felt really hurt about how you treated her. It's nice of her to still be nice to you. I think it may take a long time to gain her trust back.

lynntheyresexswappers · 29/12/2021 14:38

You've made it clear you don't give a shit about your grandchildren. As their mother, I'm not surprised she doesn't want to organise things for you, or jump at the chance of being around you.
She was left with your grandchildren whilst your son decided he didn't want to parent, and had all the support and sympathy whilst she was left, alone.
The fact you've then started a thread to call her out on her behaviour is astonishing.
Narcissistic people really cannot see past themselves to accept any type of responsibility, can theyConfused

Queenoftrivialpersuit · 29/12/2021 14:38

I’m always amazed that women “forgive” the husbands but not anyone else. Going against the grain, 3 months is not that long if you don’t live closely and don’t often talk on the phone and you were away for 3 weeks of it,
Correct you should have reached out, but lots of people don’t handle things perfectly,
He’s allowed to swan back into their lives all happy happy but the people who didn’t do much wrong or right are cut out.

WildMaryBerriesWithBrandyCream · 29/12/2021 14:39

Be direct with her OP.

Tell her that you have looked over your behaviour during that 3 months and that you feel ashamed. Apologise.

You might go on to explain that your reaction was shock and worry about your son - but that you can now see how it was also thoughtless and uncaring of her... and that this is inexcusable.

(Did you care about her during this time? Would you have left her to sink or swim alone if it had continued? Did she do anything to deserve the treatment you gave her? If a break-up occurs again, will you abandon her again?)

Rebuilding from here is going to take time and effort from you.

You have lost her trust. Forgetting that you abandoned her won't happen. However, humans make mistakes. Perhaps she can forgive you. I'm glad that you intend to try to make amends.

hulahooper2 · 29/12/2021 14:42

You should have offered her support too , she was left alone to look after their children , who are you’re grandchildren, you only supported her son making it loud and clear you didn’t care at all for her or your grandkids , I wouldn’t have any relationship with you now if I was her

CharlotteGoldenblattYork · 29/12/2021 14:44

I think you behaved terribly, as did your son! If I was your DIL I wouldn't have taken him back and would have cut you off!

lobsteroll · 29/12/2021 14:44

Surely you know why she is upset? I think you're lucky she even invites you over at all.

If you were as close as you say before and then you didn't even contact her to speak to your grandchildren for three months...what on Earth do you expect?

Why didn't you speak to your grandchildren? Why didn't their dad facilitate this during this time?

Of course you need to support your son but I think blanking her and the children is just disgraceful.

Alieninmybody · 29/12/2021 14:45

If you speak to your daughter in law try not to justify your behaviour like you have in your last post.
Hind site is a great thing and it's clear you made a poor judgement call.
In your first post you say you spent a lot of time together, in your last you're changing your tune, which is it you saw them a lot, had meals and days out, short breaks and holidays together or as your last post says, don't see them that often?
You're trying to minimise your behaviour when you need to own up to not having also made your grandchildren and their mother a priority.
Out of interest did you not worry that the grand children would miss you or consider they would benefit from been shown some love and support from their dads family when they were going through such an uncertain time?

Cactuslove · 29/12/2021 14:46

@queenoftrivialpersuit but the dil hasn't cut anyone out she just isn't as invested anymore. What's wrong with that? The OP showed DIL that she meant nothing so now DIL is civil and polite but doesn't go overboard arranging family time for a family who abandoned her.

Hardly comparable to DIL working on her marriage with her husband with young kids involved.

BooksAndGin · 29/12/2021 14:46

You behaved horribly towards her, no wonder she doesn't invite you anywhere or overaly bother.
Have you even bothered to apologise for your disgusting behaviour? You could of picked up the phone OP and checked on her. No excuse.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 29/12/2021 14:46

OP, in contrast - when I discovered my ex-husband was a cheat and asked him to leave, my MIL came to my house as soon as she heard what had happened. Usually quite reserved, she threw her arms around me, offered to support me and DC in any and all ways, said I was like a daughter to her and asked me to promise we'd always be family and never lose touch. We were already close, but have become closer since - her relationship with her DGC (and me) was her priority. We will always be family, regardless of me splitting from and divorcing her son. All of my in-laws have made a big effort to support me and keep in touch, to the extent of inviting my new(ish) boyfriend and his adult DC to stay over for Christmas.

And then there's what you did......

LagunaBubbles · 29/12/2021 14:47

At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done

How about making an effort with your GCs? Despite your explanation I still don't understand why you didn't.

esloquehay · 29/12/2021 14:48

Sooooooo...you and your family ignored DIL and DGC (the latter being your biological family) whilst DS had some timeout and when DS decided he wanted to go back (he does sound like a great human being, as well), you wanted to pick up where you left off with DIL and DGC.
Riiiiiiiiight.
Can't think why she doesn't want to be close with you at all. 🤔🙄🤦

RedLipClass · 29/12/2021 14:48

If I was your DIL I would not be interested in having a long talk with you and would want to tell you to shove that invitation up your backside! From your posts it seems like you only care because it's impacting you in that she doesn't arrange all the nice outings or invite you out anymore. Nothing about missing the nice relationship you had with her the human being. You've been very cold towards her which must have been very hurtful. It seems that she's really tried to foster a nice relationship between her and your family and it obviously hasn't worked.

JSL52 · 29/12/2021 14:49

Why on earth didn't you contact the grandchildren for 3 months ? Did your son not bring them round ?

Redjumper1 · 29/12/2021 14:50

I wouldn't bother with the "long talk". You have revealed who you are and there is no going back. Be grateful that she is being a polite. You don't seem to grasp the issue and so a long talk could bury you completely and put you in a nc situation potentially, which is worse.

My MIL treats me like dirt on her shoe and expects holidays together, weekends away and complains that I am pleasant and do visit for long periods. I am being kind and charitable. Plenty would not. Count your blessings.

olympicsrock · 29/12/2021 14:50

Poor DIL ....