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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have handled it this way re DS and DIL?

469 replies

MagnifyingGlasses · 29/12/2021 13:01

A year and a half ago my DS wanted to leave his wife and 2 young DC. We never got to the bottom of why he did, he just said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own. DIL was very upset and I found out about this because she called me up to tell me he was leaving and was worried about him. DS didn't tell us himself.

After this we tried to support DS and both DH and I and his siblings gave him support by offering him a place to stay and bring the DC etc. It didn't get to this stage though as DS decided he wanted to stay with his family and DIL.

Since then I feel my relationship, and that of DH and my other DC, has deteriorated drastically with DIL. We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house, but it feels strained and she no longer opens up around us.

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

Could this be repairable? WWYD?

OP posts:
AllyBama · 29/12/2021 14:17

Sorry but that all just sounds like you’re making excuses. You were on a lovely holiday while your DIL was probably going through the worst time in her life and you never even contacted your grandkids?

Have you even apologized up until this point or is it just reading these replies that’s made you realise? Because, Jesus Christ.. how could you not catch on to why she’s been distant with you? And you were miffed about why she’s not been organizing your family social life.

You owe her a lot more than an apology and she owes you nothing.

Iamkmackered1979 · 29/12/2021 14:18

You said you saw a lot of them, dinners, holidays etc but now you say you didn’t see much of them. Make up your mind?
Do holidays mean you can’t text or check in with someone?
You just didn’t bother your backside u your darling son was struggling so dil and grandkids were forgotten about not only by you but by his sisters too…nice family do you encourage that kind of behaviour in your kids.

I wouldn’t speak to you either, And as a mother of 4 boys I hope I never behave this way to the wife/partner of my children. She is gracefully being civil and you really don’t deserve it at all.

KosherDill · 29/12/2021 14:18

@PicaK

There was nothing stopping you speaking to her or the dgc. You showed exactly how grateful you all were for all the mental effort she put in to organising family trips etc. And now she dfoesnt do it any more. I don't blame her one bit. She's saintly for still being welcoming.

Sadly, this is correct. DIL is amazing for being polite now.

Anordinarymum · 29/12/2021 14:18

The fact you came on here to talk about it says a lot. You need to apologise and grovel and tell her you know you were wrong.

She reached out to you in the first place and you then turned your back on her !

Mistake after mistake but not unredeemable.

LetHimHaveIt · 29/12/2021 14:18

'I think I am going to ask DIL to come for a long talk with me and see if we can heal any of this.'

Good luck. I wouldn't, were I her.

Has it occurred to you that your son may have been shagging an OW in these three months, btw?

PizzasPlease · 29/12/2021 14:18

I'm sorry but if I was your Dil a long chat wouldn't change anything.
You showed where your loyalties lay and you rallied for him.
I wouldn't feel like a very important member of the family if I was your Dil. You've shown your true colours.

Pumperthepumper · 29/12/2021 14:20

I agree with a PP, she’s been a lot more dignified than I would have been. No contact with you DGC when they were going through such a big thing in their lives is unforgivable.

Cameleongirl · 29/12/2021 14:20

I’m glad you’re going to have a talk with her. As PP’s have said, abandoning your GC at this difficult time was a terrible thing to do.

Tbh, she’s probably never going to completely trust you again, but I hope things improve somewhat after you’ve talked. I also know that my PIL wouldn’t bother with me and their GC if DH and I split up ( they’ve shown this through their behaviour over the years) and it does make our relationship more superficial.

BlackCatz · 29/12/2021 14:21

How disgusting of you all to essentially cut her and your DGC off.

Why didn't you even bother speaking to your own DGC? That's shameful.

You're lucky she's polite to you, because I'd have probably told you to fuck right off.

ShowMeTheSugar · 29/12/2021 14:21

Calling bullshit on this:
They don't live close to us and we don't see them that often

As you already said in your opening post:
We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together

3 months is an awfully long time not to pick up the phone, send a text or make any effort to reassure your GC. By all means apologise to the woman but you deserve absolutely nothing from her.

Mythologies · 29/12/2021 14:22

Your behavior cannot and should not be excused - ever. I am surprised your poor daughter-in-law even gives you the time of day - you do not deserve it. Hopefully she will kick your son out and be shot of the lot of you

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 29/12/2021 14:23

Did anyone else speak to her from your side of the family?

Why isn't anyone else organising these lovely family get togethers?

JustLyra · 29/12/2021 14:25

@ShowMeTheSugar

Calling bullshit on this: They don't live close to us and we don't see them that often

As you already said in your opening post:
We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together

3 months is an awfully long time not to pick up the phone, send a text or make any effort to reassure your GC. By all means apologise to the woman but you deserve absolutely nothing from her.

I think it sounds like they don’t do meals/weekends etc now because they DIL was the one organising them.

And why the fuck would she bother now that the OP, her daughters etc have shown how much they don’t care.

LannieDuck · 29/12/2021 14:25

She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc.

Why cant your DS organise things for you all to do?

CanofCant · 29/12/2021 14:25

What is the point in a long talk though? What can you promise her? It means nothing. What's the betting your son will fuck off and abandon his family again, you'll have to rely on him for access to your grandchildren and he hasn't shown himself to be a reliable man so far. You've made your bed. Never mind, maybe one of your daughters will give you grandchildren that you will be less likely to snub.

MoveOnTheCards · 29/12/2021 14:25

Do you want to fix things to make yourself feel better OP?

If my MIL asked me to meet to talk about it I would be declining. She’s shown her colours and what’s important to her (or not, as the case may be in not calling to speak to her GC). I’m focussing on the positive things in our lives.

Maybe your DIL is more open to hearing your apologies though?

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 29/12/2021 14:25

I'm afraid I can completely understand why your dil is acting the way she is, no point me saying it again as other pp have already said it all. Have a chat with her and see how you get on

BatshitBanshee · 29/12/2021 14:26

"I think I am going to ask DIL to come for a long talk with me and see if we can heal any of this."

@MagnifyingGlasses the responses on this thread are mild compared to what I'd say to you. The fact that you had to post this in a forum to actually see the problems with your awful behaviour speaks volumes.

CalamityJane2022 · 29/12/2021 14:27

You have her no support at a difficult time, I would keep you at arms length.

flashy44 · 29/12/2021 14:28

THIS

BraveGoldie · 29/12/2021 14:28

I agree with everything said. You have essentially told her that she is nothing to you. Nothing at all - despite the huge investment she has made to be a loving member of your family. That's before we even get into you offering no active support to your own GC.

You didn't need to choose. You could have cared about her too but you didn't. Being on holiday doesn't stop you from calling or dropping a line to tell her you care.

My FIL and ex's half siblings did this when my ex left me, and it wounded me to the core. I thought I was close to a daughter to FIL, had lived him and supported him for 15 years, including hosting a big 60th birthday bash at my house for his whole family just 6 months before the breakup. I never heard from him after the break up and discovered I was irrelevant and totally disposable.

Honestly, I don't think you should impose a long talk on her. I think you should write a short note unreservedly apologising and telling her that you do care about her and appreciate everything she has done for your family. (If this is true). That you can imagine how hurtful this was at a time when the world already seemed to be falling apart... That you would love to talk if she is willing, but at very least you want her to know how wrong it was and that you completely understand if she doesn't want to be closer again. Don't make any excuses. There really aren't any.

And don't try and get her to be closer if she really is disposable to you. It will break her heart even more later.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 29/12/2021 14:29

@LannieDuck

She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc.

Why cant your DS organise things for you all to do?

Or even the grandparents arrange events, agree dates and then treat them all. If you want the fun, it's nice to contribute.
UnderTheMoonlightWeDanced · 29/12/2021 14:30

You say at the end of the day he’s your son and you thought they were broken up so what could you have done…
Is this really how people behave - someone comes into your family, has your DGC, makes a huge effort by the sounds of it and overnight you just ditch them because your son doesn’t want to know anymore??? What the actual F
You could of told your son “I will
Support you and your decision how I can but please know you ex and the children are also a priory to me too and I will still have a relationship with her” and then called her up and said the same.
No wonder she doesn’t want to know you now I wouldn’t at all.

MzHz · 29/12/2021 14:30

You cut her dead! And her children, your grandchildren!

Mind you, my own mother did similar when I split with my abusive ex.

I don’t speak to her anymore

Your lovely DIL will never trust you again.

What on earth were you thinking?

ShowMeTheSugar · 29/12/2021 14:31

@JustLyra I think you're being generous, she said this was in regard to the 3 months.

If I were the DIL I'd struggle to ever see past this. If asked to lunch to discuss it I honestly think I'd let rip and no longer feel the need to continue the pretence

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