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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have handled it this way re DS and DIL?

469 replies

MagnifyingGlasses · 29/12/2021 13:01

A year and a half ago my DS wanted to leave his wife and 2 young DC. We never got to the bottom of why he did, he just said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own. DIL was very upset and I found out about this because she called me up to tell me he was leaving and was worried about him. DS didn't tell us himself.

After this we tried to support DS and both DH and I and his siblings gave him support by offering him a place to stay and bring the DC etc. It didn't get to this stage though as DS decided he wanted to stay with his family and DIL.

Since then I feel my relationship, and that of DH and my other DC, has deteriorated drastically with DIL. We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house, but it feels strained and she no longer opens up around us.

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

Could this be repairable? WWYD?

OP posts:
St0rmTr00per · 29/12/2021 14:52

Your poor DIL. Her DH essentially pulled the rug from under her feet and you never really got a reason why (so im assuming she didnt either). She rang you to ask for help as she was worried about your son and you turned your back on her and protected him. I understand he is your family but she wasnt asking you to choose between them. She expected you to love them both and their DC. But you shunted her and the DC (asking DS about them doesnt count as im presuming he wasnt primary parent seeing how they actually were doing day to day).

Why should she put the effort into you and your family when it could be taken away tomorrow and she never see any of you again?

Steelesauce · 29/12/2021 14:53

My exmil did the same to me, it's unforgivable. We stayed separated and she does not see the children. The one time she reached out, I ignored as the damage had already been done. In your case, you have the chance to apologise sincerely but I believe the damage has been done, she has seen that you don't really give a monkies about her or the children. Not speaking to her I can understand, but your grandchildren? Disgusting really.

minimecantrollerskate · 29/12/2021 14:54

I understand you supporting your son and your DIL couldn't expect you not to, however you could have still spoken to her during that time but been clear that you couldn't take sides. You could have met her and the GDC.

If you can meet with her without the GDC around and say how sorry you are, that you just didn't know what to do for the best and that you now realise that you should have made contact during that time, maybe she can forgive you.

I can understand why she now wouldn't want to be too close, or open up to you as you cut her off the minute he left her.

My IL's just cut me off after XH walked out, although XMIL said that I was welcome there any time, she couldn't understand that I was in the depths of depression for a very long time, and they made no contact whatsoever, just defended his behaviour and supported him no matter what.

She rarely sees our DC now as he moved away and takes DC there maybe 2-3 times this past year. I would have continued to visit her had I felt that she had been supportive in any way.

evrey · 29/12/2021 14:54

I'm in a similar situation my husband left me and our children for 4 months,his df rallied around him , set him up with a deposit , car etc. Meanwhile I couldn't afford the rent with his 2 grandchildren and was made homeless , had to claim benefits that took 6 weeks to come through and was dependent on food banks to feed his grandchildren.
We have decided to give things another go..however I no longer see my Dfil as my family and won't be making an effort.

Winter2020 · 29/12/2021 14:54

Hi OP,
I just wanted to add that your DIL is probably very traumatised having had the rug pulled from under her family life. Her security and peace of mind will be shot to pieces. The consequences of your son leaving whether due to his own poor mental health/work or financial stress/other woman etc might still be a daily battle.

Just remember in any conversation that you have that you and your needs are not front and centre. If you live far away and don't see each other that often you and your family won't be top of your daughter in laws priorities right now.

As well as a great big sorry I think a pertinent question is "what can I do to help?" You must have some idea what caused the strain on their family - would they benefit from childcare to rest and get time alone/ financial help if you are in a position to offer it.

You seem to miss your jolly days out. If their marriage was collapsing there is a good chance the "jolly" was to some extent a sham - at least for a while. Do you want to help with the reality of their family life or just wish they would keep putting on a front of "perfect family" so you can have a nice time? Perhaps your DIL doesn't feel like pretending right now.

minny80 · 29/12/2021 14:55

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either.

Hmm Do you even need to ask if you and your family have been unreasonable? What you have written is proof your DIL cannot trust any of you.
If your DS decides again out of the blue the marriage is over she will know already she can't rely on any of you.
If you want to try to repair this, first of all, change your attitude and then apologise profusely to DIL and explain to her how differently you'll behave in the future.

ESGdance · 29/12/2021 14:55

What’s your motivation now - 18 months after their little family imploded?

Seems that it’s because YOU and your DCs are missing out on being entertained and included rather than any concern for your DGCs/DIL or even your DS and them as a family unit?

Seems that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

TiredMummyZZZ · 29/12/2021 14:56

You ignored her and your grandchildren for three months after your son left her and now you’re back together you expect her to invite you on family breaks? You showed exactly how much you care about her and your ‘d’ grandchildren when you ignored them for months so you’re being selfish, entitled and ridiculous.

BoredZelda · 29/12/2021 15:00

At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

She is also your family. She is the mother of your grandchildren.

I hope the talk goes well, but at the very least you need to let her know whatever happens you won’t take sides.

BeardyButton · 29/12/2021 15:00

You did smt shitty. You showed her that blood was thicker than water and that she only counts if she’s with your son. You cannot now expect her to treat you any differently to how you treated her. She’s a nicer person than me.

Popetthetreehugger · 29/12/2021 15:02

Geese , your a peach ! She’s a better woman than me for entertaining you . You reap what you sow .

guardiansofthegalaxychocs · 29/12/2021 15:04

If my DH left me I really think my MIL would check in with me and offer support with the kids, whilst also supporting her DS. I think she probably is hurt and understandably so. I guess if you feel sorry you should apologise. Otherwise don’t, and she’ll probably continue to see you a bit differently. Before she treated you as family but when a hard time came you basically cut her off. Not surprising she is being more ‘arms length’

Kuachui · 29/12/2021 15:07

i would want nothing to do with you either. that was still your grandchild and you abandoned them both just as your son planned too.

IncompleteSenten · 29/12/2021 15:09

I'm not sure you can.
What sort of grandparent abandons their grandchildren then expects to play happy families because her son deigned to return to his family?

You showed her that not only is she nothing to you, but her children are too.

I wouldn't be able to even bring myself to be civil to you after that tbh. Let alone pretend you did do that to her and her children and just pick up where you left off.

If she forgives you she's a far better person than I am.
She will never forget though. She will be far more hurt for her children than for herself too.

HoppingPavlova · 29/12/2021 15:09

I don’t think you can heal this to be honest. Supporting your DS is one thing, which is natural, but essentially cutting off your DGC is something you can never come back from in a mothers eyes. You should just be grateful she is polite when you do see her, any more than that isn’t really feasible.

Morgan12 · 29/12/2021 15:10

Yeah you fucked up here.
I think a nice long chat and lots of apologising will help. As will admitting you were in the wrong.

IncompleteSenten · 29/12/2021 15:10

Didn't do

peboh · 29/12/2021 15:11

If my dh and I were to separate, even temporarily, and mil didn't once ask about our dd or make any conscious effort to keep a relationship with her then she wouldn't get the effort from me either. I wouldn't even attend any family things. I'm not super close with my mil, however I have no doubts that she wouldn't at least check in every now and then to see how dd and I were getting on.
You're lucky she's being civil and continue to foster the relationship between you and your gc after the way you ignored them for 3 months.

Darbs76 · 29/12/2021 15:11

I think you need to start by apologising and admit to her that your behaviour wasn’t appropriate and you are genuinely sorry

bonetiredwithtwins · 29/12/2021 15:12

Wow - you didn't contact her or your grandchildren? For all you know he could have been a total arsehole to her or cheated - I would never trust you again either and certainly wouldn't be in a hurry to play happy families with the lot of you.

Tubs11 · 29/12/2021 15:12

WWYD? I wouldn't have ignored her for 3 months for a start and if I had I would have been straight round saying what an outright idiot I've been and begging for forgiveness as she sounds absolutely lovely. Some MIL's would give anything to have this sort of relationship with their DIL
The fact that you have to come on MN and ask wwyd makes me think you are absolutely clueless as to what you have done wrong here.
My assumption is that you think/thought she was the cause of the separation and not your precious son, in fact the way you've written your post makes me think you still think that way

SlashBeef · 29/12/2021 15:12

I think you sound genuine and like you want to sort this out OP. You'll get torn to shreds on here because MIL can never be forgiven basically. But I think if you can get together, just you and her and have an open conversation where you explain like you have here, offer a genuine apology and express your desire to build a relationship with her she may be receptive. I would be 🤷‍♀️

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/12/2021 15:14

I and his siblings gave him support by offering him a place to stay and bring the DC etc.

Just to clarify, does this mean you wanted him to be able to bring the DCs to visit, or might it have sounded to her that you wanted DS to remove the children?

Either way talking it through is probably the right thing to do, but you'll need to be very open about the choices you made not being the best rather than simply trying to justify yourself. In any case it'll be an uphill struggle when - not surprisingly - she no longer trusts you

WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 29/12/2021 15:14

I think I am going to ask DIL to come for a long talk with me and see if we can heal any of this

Let her speak then and actually listen to what she has to say. Don’t just talk over her and whinge and go on and on about how hard it was/is for you. Don’t be a selfish prick. That’s even if she wants to talk to you. If I was your DIL I’d have gone NC.

strawberry2017 · 29/12/2021 15:15

You abandoned her and the children when they were probably very scared and confused. No wonder she's massively backed off.