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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have handled it this way re DS and DIL?

469 replies

MagnifyingGlasses · 29/12/2021 13:01

A year and a half ago my DS wanted to leave his wife and 2 young DC. We never got to the bottom of why he did, he just said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own. DIL was very upset and I found out about this because she called me up to tell me he was leaving and was worried about him. DS didn't tell us himself.

After this we tried to support DS and both DH and I and his siblings gave him support by offering him a place to stay and bring the DC etc. It didn't get to this stage though as DS decided he wanted to stay with his family and DIL.

Since then I feel my relationship, and that of DH and my other DC, has deteriorated drastically with DIL. We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house, but it feels strained and she no longer opens up around us.

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

Could this be repairable? WWYD?

OP posts:
BatshitBanshee · 29/12/2021 14:01

I really do hope this is a reverse because the idea that someone would do this to their grandkids is so disgusting. What do you think DIL had to tell her kids when their grandmother just stopped speaking to them when their father left? How do you think they felt? The damage you've caused their relationship with you is irreparable. And if I were her, I wouldn't give a damn what you do to me, but my children? If you hurt them like that, I would never acknowledge you again.

AllyBama · 29/12/2021 14:03

So you never bothered to even pick up the phone, to check on the mother of your grandchildren or even speak to the grandchildren themselves in the 3 months they were separated? That’s really, really shit of you. You don’t even know why your DS wanted to leave.

And now they’re back together, you’re moaning about how she isn’t organising weekends away, days out and holidays? Do you actually hear yourself?

You showed who you truly are when they were separated and now she knows what a mean person you are. You’re lucky she’s friendly to your face because it’s more than you deserve.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 29/12/2021 14:04

Your son walked out on his wife and children and you never picked up the phone? Never offered to have the children? Never dropped food round or took her out for the day?

You’ve shown her where your loyalties lie and given the impression you don’t see her as family and by extension her children. She’s returning the favour.

To fix this you acknowledge and apologise for your behaviour - profusely - and you spend the next few years going OUT OF YOUR WAY to make amends to her.

You treated her as badly as your son did and frankly I wouldn’t bother organising shit either if you were my in laws. Your son can do that.

CSJobseeker · 29/12/2021 14:05

I'm wondering how 2% of posters think YANBU. Presumably their finger slipped on the mouse.

dancingbymyself · 29/12/2021 14:05

If you want to fix this, speak to her and tell her you got it wrong. Apologise profusely.

LetHimHaveIt · 29/12/2021 14:05

'During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC.'

So I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC? You what? What if it had been over? Would you have never spoke to her or your grandchild again?

Are you all there?

Puremule · 29/12/2021 14:06

You are lucky she even acknowledges you now. I would have binned your ass.

NameChangeCity123 · 29/12/2021 14:06

@Puremule

You are lucky she even acknowledges you now. I would have binned your ass.
Same here
JustLyra · 29/12/2021 14:06

At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

Are your grandchildren not family then?

I think you should be bloody grateful she’s polite to you when you do visit. No wonder she’s not bending over backwards arranging things (and clearly it was her - if it was your darling son they’d be getting arranged now) when you’ve shown that your interest in your grandchildren is solely dependent on your son being with their mother.

One of the things I’ll always be grateful for is that my exes parents kept in touch with my girls after we split. They stayed polite to me and offered help in a way that wasn’t taking sides. My girls are NC with their father but have a wonderful relationship with their grandparents because they made sure it was never awkward between them and me so when he was a dick they could organise contact through me.

I would never forgive someone abandoning my children like that.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 29/12/2021 14:07

You thought they were over so you decided to stop contacting your grandchildren.

You didnt speak to your grandchildren for 3 months?

You are a piece of work. Your son walked out on his kids and you though, "right, well that's over so no need to bother talking to those kids. Nothing to do with me anymore."

Frankly, your disgusting and you've shown your true colours. Family only counts so much for you, and you'll dump them when it suits you.

I hope she never speaks to you again.

Alieninmybody · 29/12/2021 14:09

During the separation you didn't speak not only to your daughter in law but your grand children too? I'm amazed she even tolerates you at all now!
How can you justify not speaking to any of them? They were still your grand children and their mother. It comes across as though you've only been interested in them as part of a package with your ds and weren't interested in them as individuals?
Why did your ds not facilitate you seeing and talking to your grand children for three months?

You all owe them a huge genuine apology, but accept now you've damaged the relationship and it'll never be the same again. How very sad for all involved.

Iloveacurry · 29/12/2021 14:09

If you were my MIL, I wouldn’t be making any effort with you either.

Hadjab · 29/12/2021 14:09

At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done

Here’s an idea, maybe called up your DIL, and asked her how she, and indeed your grandchildren were doing, because they are family

SpindleSpangle · 29/12/2021 14:10

I had similar happen to me, and I'll not forget nor forgive how they all behaved. Absolutely dreadful behaviour, including from the sisters.

aSofaNearYou · 29/12/2021 14:10

@CSJobseeker

I'm wondering how 2% of posters think YANBU. Presumably their finger slipped on the mouse.
No, you should speak for yourself.

OP may well be BU but personally I think a lot of posters are leaping to quite dramatic conclusions without actually having enough insight into the dynamic to do so.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 29/12/2021 14:10

YABVU.

ExH left me when I was 4 months pregnant. He hasn’t contacted me since (6 years ago). Just walked out with no warning.

ExMIL didn’t contact me at all, either. She put a roof over her sons head, didn’t charge him board. Didn’t check on me or her unborn grandchild.

A week after DD was born, she turned up on my doorstep wanting to her, and was surprised when I told her to fuck off Hmm I had only just arrived home from the hospital as DD needed NICU, and I almost lost her. So I was not in the mood for ExMIL showing up, trying to claim ownership “That’s MY Grandchild”.

Original poster
MagnifyingGlasses · 29/12/2021 14:11

Gosh, I'm scared to come back.

I do know that I didn't handle it right, resulting in this and I am sorry about it.

Regarding the 3 months. DS stayed in the marital home for a while at the beginning, then I was away on holiday for 3 weeks. They don't live close to us and we don't see them that often. I did speak to DS about the DGC and asked after them to make sure they were all right. I know that is not ideal. I definitely would not have not seen them again. I was just waiting to see what was going to happen long term and see what structures would be put in place.

I think I am going to ask DIL to come for a long talk with me and see if we can heal any of this.

Thanks for all the comments.

OP posts:
44PumpLane · 29/12/2021 14:13

Fuck me, your DIL is being significantly more gracious than I would be in her shoes. You acted absolutely appallingly and I would struggle to forgive you in her shoes.

Your Son left her, you didn't need to.

DisforDarkChocolate · 29/12/2021 14:13

If you hadn't contacted my son (your grandson) I'd be hard pushed to even be civil to you.

Toddlerteaplease · 29/12/2021 14:13

Your so. Behaves appallingly and you rally around him, and ignore your DIL and grand children. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Snoopsnoggysnog · 29/12/2021 14:15

Wow I’d be so hurt if this happened and my in laws basically cut off contact with me

stealthninjamum · 29/12/2021 14:15

Op you sound like my mil who also abandoned me after her precious son moved out. I had thought we had a good relationship but she showed no interest in me or the dc at the worst time in our lives. Good luck with your chat, if I was your dil I would not be quick to forgive.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 29/12/2021 14:16

Sounds like my ex MIL. Ex husband cheated, caused my to have dc prematurely through stress. When i took him back only because i was so stressed with prem baby and 4 other young kids, plus trying to recover from an emergency c-section she told me to just forget about what he had done and not to throw it in his face if i wanted my marriage to work and him to not cheat again!!! Im so glad both of them are no longer in my life!

JustLyra · 29/12/2021 14:16

@MagnifyingGlasses

Gosh, I'm scared to come back.

I do know that I didn't handle it right, resulting in this and I am sorry about it.

Regarding the 3 months. DS stayed in the marital home for a while at the beginning, then I was away on holiday for 3 weeks. They don't live close to us and we don't see them that often. I did speak to DS about the DGC and asked after them to make sure they were all right. I know that is not ideal. I definitely would not have not seen them again. I was just waiting to see what was going to happen long term and see what structures would be put in place.

I think I am going to ask DIL to come for a long talk with me and see if we can heal any of this.

Thanks for all the comments.

You wouldn’t have even been aware of your DS’s wanting to leave had your DIL not reached out to you.

You repaid that by ignoring her, and your DGC.

You’re now basically unhappy because she’s not making all the effort to organise things as she used to do - why would she?

You’ve shown her very clearly that you don’t give a toss about her.

AlexaShutUp · 29/12/2021 14:17

Wow! Your ds is family, so you made an effort with him, but you ignored your DIL and grandchildren. Are they not family too?

Supporting your DIL would have been the decent thing to do, especially when she called you and was clearly upset. Your son didn't even bother communicating. But what is worse is the fact that you ignored your own grandchildren at a time of significant upheaval for them - their dad had just walked out on them, and then their grandparents and aunts just dropped them as well.

Frankly, I think your DIL is a saint if she is still polite and welcoming towards you after you have showed how little you care for her or the kids. Naturally she'll have taken a step back because you have sent a clear message about how little value you place on those relationships. If you want to try and mend it, I think you need to start with a sincere apology and an acknowledgement of how badly you fucked up in that period.