AIBU to have handled it this way re DS and DIL?

[MagnifyingGlasses]

A year and a half ago my DS wanted to leave his wife and 2 young DC. We never got to the bottom of why he did, he just said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own. DIL was very upset and I found out about this because she called me up to tell me he was leaving and was worried about him. DS didn't tell us himself.

After this we tried to support DS and both DH and I and his siblings gave him support by offering him a place to stay and bring the DC etc. It didn't get to this stage though as DS decided he wanted to stay with his family and DIL.

Since then I feel my relationship, and that of DH and my other DC, has deteriorated drastically with DIL. We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house, but it feels strained and she no longer opens up around us.

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

Could this be repairable? WWYD?

@ShowMeTheSugar yes we'll spotted! Doesn't make sense does it ?

’Most sensible people and those who see dil as family "may" become more strained later on AFTER a divorce, especially if a new partner comes on the scene. But not many would literally treat a dil this way’

It seems to happen even if the ILs and DIL have a ‘close’, friendly relationship and indeed that’s why the DILs it happens to find it so upsetting. If you don’t get on with your ILs, the one sure benefit of divorce is that you don’t have to have a relationship with them anymore. If you had your MIL round weekly for coffee, just you and her, and went shopping with your SILs every month, being cut off is hurts.

Lulu was I think writing from the ops dils perspectives?? NOt actually a personal account...

I can't believe you didn't speak to or see your DGC for 3 months or contact their mum!

If you were my MIL, I wouldn't be forgiving you ever. Sorry to be brutal but that's the truth. You showed her how you felt (as far as she would see it). I'm not at all surprised that she's not organising days out for you!

Ah I see. I'm so sorry I misunderstood, @Lulu.... but great post 😀

He’s allowed to swan back into their lives all happy happy but the people who didn’t do much wrong or right are cut out.

She didn't cut them out though. OP even says she's been perfectly pleasant when they see her. She's just stopped being the family social calendar organizer since she realized she's not viewed as family, and her MIL is peeved about that.

This is not a petty thing on the DIL's side, it's her MIL killing the golden goose and now wondering why it won't just re-animate.

Whats scratch I can see it would hurt, its low, base and appalling behaviour.

What I mean is - ops son hadn't even gone as far as moving out - he went through a bad patch for whatever reason and they instantly dumped her! How many marriages have gone through a rocky phase?

I do not think normal people would dump a dil at such a low level rocky blip in the marriage! Perhaps after a divorce.

MIL killing the golden goose and now wondering why it won't just re-animate.

^^ yes, this sums it up.

[quote EmmasMum12]@Lulu.... I'm so sorry you went through that. How awful for you [/quote]
No, not me! I have written an AIBU as if I was OP's DIL so OP can think how DIL might be feeling.

Hi Op. It's always difficult when you are in the middle of two people and maybe to you three months didn't feel that long. Maybe you wanted to first sort out your son and then take up the relationship with Dil and grand children but before that Ds went back to Dil. It's wrong of course to not have tried to support Dil who seems to have always treated you as family but maybe three months wasn't enough time to get your head around this and think what you should be doing.

To be honest my own mum is hugely partial to me and my sibling and even though I hate it and find it infuriating that's just how she is. So I kind of get it.

Like others have said I think you owe Dil a huge apology. Just apologise unreservedly. Don't make excuses for you or ds. Just tell her that you realised that you were wrong, that you understand that she can't trust you anymore but that you hope that with time you can make it up to her and you can have a good relationship again. She might not accept your apology and it will take time to repair your relationship and let you the trust and affection grow but I think you can recover from this eventually. If it was my mil I think I would eventually forgive her

I was just waiting to see what was going to happen long term and see what structures would be put in place
You were waiting to see if you got a new DIL to hang out with instead so could forget about the one your princely son was done with, unless he wasn't going to bring the kids over often enough and then you'd consider making an effort to talk to last week's hasbeen

My DHs family did this 20 odd years ago when we briefly split. I've never forgiven them - I don't even pretend to be polite anymore.

When my DB was considering leaving his wife not long after their DD was born because he was 'unhappy' I told him in no uncertain terms that he would be doing it without my help. He wanted to stay in my spare room - no chance. I'm sure after just given birth to my niece life wasn't a walk in the park for my SIL either; no way would I help him walk away. They stayed together for another 10 years and although aren't together now are brilliant parents together.

You should've kept your beak out OP (assuming no DV issues) You chose your side, she'll always remember.

I doubt the OP is reading the thread any more tbh.

@Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas

Lulu was I think writing from the ops dils perspectives?? NOt actually a personal account...

Yes, so OP can imagine how DIL might be feeling - as she seems to be unable to do so.

Why on earth would you cut contact with the grandkids. I would be really offended in her shoes tbh.

Having said that she seems very reasonable so a sit down talk would probably be really helpful. I'm sure you can heal the rift if you are open and honest and very apologetic xx

My jaw is on the actual floor. You at the drop of a hat completely cut off your daughter in law and her children. At her time of need you completely abandoned her, someone who she trusted. I am shocked she will even be in the same room as you to be honest because you certainly don't deserve it or your grandchildren.

You were and are very emotionally unintelligent.

Your action was not only immature it was very brutal.

Why on god's earth would you expect her to bounce right back to the way she was before you completely turned your back on her and your own grandchildren??

All you needed to do was to be kind and offer her some support (you don't need to take sides to do this), but you slammed the door right in her face and your poor grandchildren.

And surprise surprise she's got the full measure of you now.

A long talk justifying or excusing your inept behaviour won't cut it at all.

You need to really look at yourself and your nasty, short-sighted actions and apologise from your heart.

BUT you don't appear to really grasp the gravity of the situation because your main interest seems to be your own selfish needs.

I really take my hat off to her for putting up with you (and I say that as the mother of a son).

You were an absolute dick who ignored your daughter in law and grandchildren when your son decided he didn’t want to be with them anymore and now you’re pissed off she doesn’t invite you on days out?
You’re lucky she’s still friendly and welcoming. Who needs enemies with family like you.

YABVU

You don't know what else you could have done?

You could have given your grandchildren love, stability and reassurance at the time they needed it most.

You could have made it clear that whatever was happening in the marriage your DIL would always be the mother of your precious grandchildren and that, no matter what, you would always love, support and respect her.

I think you owe her a massive apology.

So your poor, poor DIL had spent years cultivating a loving relationship with you and her SILs, organising lovely days out and holidays, then the second her useless manchild of a husband decides to dump her and his children because "he isn't very happy" you all fall over yourselves to make sure he is ok, and in the process shit all over her and your "only" grandchildren.

I wonder why the relationship isn't close anymore? I wonder why she doesn't break her back organising lovely activities for people she knows don't even regard her as worth a phone call when her world falls apart? Who apparently don't even regard her children, their grandchildren, as worth a phone call? Oh, sorry, I forgot, you asked their father. The man who walked out on them. The man who WASN'T THERE when they were crying themselves to sleep asking where Daddy was and when he was coming home. The man who left her to carry all the weight of the whole family, trying to take care of them completely alone while her heart was breaking. Oh yes, and the man who is currently not bothering to arrange any lovely activities for you all with his children (although apparently you don't expect him to do that, only her).

You could try apologising, it might help perhaps. But don't expect her to carry on being your PA and facilitating your relationship with her children, because she knows exactly what she and they are worth to you now, and exactly what will happen again if there is ever a permanent split from her husband.

By the way expecting her to arrange childcare and travel to you to receive your "I'm sorry but.... " list of bullshit excuses is a very bad idea. She's still being civil to you at the moment, which means she's a good person, but I doubt she'll manage it any more if you pull that stunt.

Maybe she sees your support actions for your DS at that time as facilitating the breakdown of their family unit (proactively arranging accommodation etc) - if he was keen to leave the family unit then he needed to stand on his own two feet

I just came back to say much the same; supporting DS is natural, but with ignoring the GCs as well it could all have looked like doing everything possible to cut her out and make sure the separation was permanent

Probably the key here is whether OP honestly regrets her choices or just the results of them - awkwardness, fewer trips out and so on. The second option may mean she'll just have to be satisfied with DIL being civil (which she's probably only doing to protect what's left of her marriage)

We all make mistakes, but while we can learn from them OP's reluctance to engage further may suggest she finds this an unwelcome concept

OP, if you are able to reflect on your own part in this and realise how badly you have behaved (to your DIL, but above all to your grandchildren), then you may be able to salvage something with a genuine apology and a sincere attempt to do better in future. Your DIL sounds much more reasonable that I would be!

However, I think you should prepare yourself for never having the kind of relationship with your DIL or her children that you would ideally want. You had the choice to spend five minutes on the phone, checking if her and the kids were okay, or if they needed anything, and you chose not to. Instead you ran around working out the logistics of your son leaving all of his responsibilities behind. At any point did you suggest that he should stay and work on his marriage? When she told you he was leaving, your DIL was reaching out to you at a very vulnerable and frightening time, and you might as well have slapped her face.

My MIL did similar when EXH left without warning or reason other than he wanted to be single again.

She dropped me like a sack of the proverbial even though it had been ME that bought her Christmas, birthday and Mother's Day presents for years, and ME who had driven 300 miles every other weekend to see her while he was working away, and ME that took a week off work to care for her after a surgery. Beggars belief.

If you want her to like you again you're going to have to take serious steps to convince her that she's a valued member of your family.

You completely took your son's side - now it's fine to stand by your children but that particular one was an adult with a wife and children who happen to be your grandchildren.
Also, your DIL was always decent and did lots for you, only for you to abandon her completely.
Let's hope she can forgive you but she has every right to be pissed off at you.

You need to apologise.

It’s very likely that your ds had his eye on someone else or was actually seeing someone. Even if that wasn’t the case, he put your DIL through hell. Left her and absented himself from the majority of the very difficult parenting.

He, having decided to break up his family, got loads of help from his parents and siblings, despite actually being the cause of the problems.

When my dh walked out, my mil said to me that she would sooner cut him (her own ds) off than lose the kids and me. That is of course extreme, but you definitely owed your DIL and DGC some support. Sounds like she was the model DIL and when she needed you, you weren’t there. You should have prioritised your DGC over your DS since he’s an adult. You should have been checking in with DIL to offer any sort of help she needed.

Unless this is a reverse?