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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have handled it this way re DS and DIL?

469 replies

MagnifyingGlasses · 29/12/2021 13:01

A year and a half ago my DS wanted to leave his wife and 2 young DC. We never got to the bottom of why he did, he just said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own. DIL was very upset and I found out about this because she called me up to tell me he was leaving and was worried about him. DS didn't tell us himself.

After this we tried to support DS and both DH and I and his siblings gave him support by offering him a place to stay and bring the DC etc. It didn't get to this stage though as DS decided he wanted to stay with his family and DIL.

Since then I feel my relationship, and that of DH and my other DC, has deteriorated drastically with DIL. We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house, but it feels strained and she no longer opens up around us.

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

Could this be repairable? WWYD?

OP posts:
SockFluffInTheBath · 29/12/2021 15:57

So she asked you for support when your DS was trying to decide if he could be bothered being a husband and father anymore, and you offered him a way out. Now you’re surprised she’s not fussing round you? I can see where your DS gets his relationship skills.

Ps you’re in DIL-land on MN. If you want tea and sympathy about the nasty DIL you’d probably go better on Gransnet, though I suspect even there you’ll be told you’re an insensitive, selfish idiot.

Dogscanteatonions · 29/12/2021 15:57

I WAS the DIL in the same situation nearly 15 years ago now when exh left. He left for 'no reason' except he was actually shagging one of his employees.

I was so close to my PIL especially my. MIL as we used to share a hobby and spent loads of great times together. I was hurt beyond measure when I was dumped like this and when I reached out for help when I was desperate and they could have helped me and the kids so much.

We got back together briefly but the relationship with PIL was ruined.

Be lucky sure is so nice to you. You don't deserve more.

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/12/2021 15:58

All you can do is apologise to her - with bells on, because you treated her and your grandchildren very very badly indeed.

TBH if she is welcoming and friendly to you, that’s big of her. She is the mother of your grandchildren, you absolutely could have been in touch with her and them, without discussing or being disloyal to your son. Her husband left with no explanation, and you all cut her off - and even worse cut the kids off.

An apology is long overdue, but at least you are doing it now. A walk is fair enough, but don’t put her in a position where she has to walk with you for an hour after you bring it up - she may find it upsetting, or she may brush it off because she simply doesn’t want to get into it.

Before you talk to her really try and figure out why you behaved so badly, so she has some kind of explanation. You also need to own what you did - your post is very much focused on your feelings and not hers, despite the fact that you are the wrongdoer.

I hope things improve, but they will be different. She’s not likely to return to feeling like a full member of your family, so will probably always maintain more distance than before - partly for self protection but partly to make sure she builds up her life elsewhere. Be appreciate of any improvement and make sure you meet and match efforts made by her.

WhatScratch · 29/12/2021 16:00

It’s pretty common for ILs to cut off a DIL in this situation. There are plenty of DILs who thought that they were friends with their sister-in-laws and got on well with their MIL only for them to be dropped by their ILs the second the marriage breaks down.

Look on the relationships board for posters who OHs had affairs, moved out of the family home and were having cosy Sunday lunches at his parents’ house with the OW within weeks.

It tends to come down to blood family. Even if their DS has been a total dick, he’s still their DS, he’s not going to be the one written out of the family.

I don’t think the OP did anything that unusual but now her DIL has been made aware of how her ILs really view her, why would she put herself out for them?

TooBigForMyBoots · 29/12/2021 16:01

You showed her how insignificant she and her children are to you @MagnifyingGlasses. Why the fuck would she arrange nice things for you? You abandoned her at a devastating time.Xmas Hmm

JustLyra · 29/12/2021 16:02

@WhatScratch

It’s pretty common for ILs to cut off a DIL in this situation. There are plenty of DILs who thought that they were friends with their sister-in-laws and got on well with their MIL only for them to be dropped by their ILs the second the marriage breaks down.

Look on the relationships board for posters who OHs had affairs, moved out of the family home and were having cosy Sunday lunches at his parents’ house with the OW within weeks.

It tends to come down to blood family. Even if their DS has been a total dick, he’s still their DS, he’s not going to be the one written out of the family.

I don’t think the OP did anything that unusual but now her DIL has been made aware of how her ILs really view her, why would she put herself out for them?

The OP - and her daughters - didn’t just cut the DIL out though, they dropped the grandchildren as well.
Earwigworries · 29/12/2021 16:04

You let her know she wasn’t family , now you want her to treat you like family . It isn’t going to work OP … I don’t think a long chat is going to help much either … I’d imagine she will see any apology on your part as self serving too

itsgoodtobehome · 29/12/2021 16:07

I would be devastated if my MIL did this to me and my DC. I would understand her looking out for DS, but if she cut off me and DC that easily, there would be no going back.

ESGdance · 29/12/2021 16:07

I am interested at the timing of your post - 18 months after the break-up - is it because you were all excluded from Christmas celebrations with your DGCs?

WhatScratch · 29/12/2021 16:08

Again, not that unusual. If the father has contact with the DC then that’s when the DC see that side of the family.

I’m not saying it’s acceptable or desirable that people behave in that way but it seems to be incredibly common. It’s like the DIL, the family home and that (usually much more than) 50% of the DC’s lives just cease to exist for them.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 29/12/2021 16:08

Poor dil, so many of us - do all the organising and never get a shred of thought or thanks for it.

You thought the relationship was over so you didnt speak to her. She tried to reach out to you! She must have been distraught and she trusted you

Op, do you like her? I do not believe if you liked or at least valued her you would have been so ready to ignore her during that time .

I am not sure it would be repairable because you have made it very clear which mast your colours are nailed too and this is one occasion I cant see how you could rapair the damage because she knows damn well you would still be igoring her if they were still apart.

I feel so sorry for dils I really do....the extra effort, planning, running around etc and dropped like a hot potatoe when a feckless naughty son says - fuck it I am leaving.

3peassuit · 29/12/2021 16:10

Be prepared to grovel, what you did to your grandchildren would be unforgivable to most. You’re lucky that the DIL is still civil to you.

ESGdance · 29/12/2021 16:10

Why is your DIL 100% responsible for arranging stuff for you all to do as an extended family?

Does your DS step up to make plans?

Do you and your family invite and host?

GatoradeMeBitch · 29/12/2021 16:12

12 weeks of silence after your DIL had made so much effort to include you in her family life. You treated her like she was disposable. You certainly showed that you don't see her as family. No wonder she stopped going the extra mile for you. And I don't think you'd have reflected on your behaviour for a second if she'd gone back to prioritizing you. You really fucked up a good thing.

You absolutely should apologize. But you should also accept it if the dynamic is permanently altered. You showed her loud and clear where she - and her children - stand in the pecking order. Perhaps golden boy should start organizing some things, and not leave everything to his wife?

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 29/12/2021 16:13

@WhatScratch

I would suggest with dil and mil strained relations it might be common to dump the dil and the GC like a hot potoato when he says " I cant do this anymore" and wants to move out.

Most sensible people and those who see dil as family "may" become more strained later on AFTER a divorce, especially if a new partner comes on the scene. But not many would literally treat a dil this way when he makes noises about moving out then actually doesnt.

I also know of plenty of situations where actually the dils in laws have been supportive and kind throughout a break up - realising the shame of a feckless son - whilst still loving that feckless son.

LuluBlakey1 · 29/12/2021 16:15

A couple of years ago DH and I went through a bad patch. He seemed to withdraw into himself and I was really worried about him. Then he said he wanted to live by himself . He couldn't explain why but just kept saying he was unhappy.

We had always been very close to PIL and his siblings- holidays together, days out, Christmas, meeting up for dinner etc. I thought of my MIL almost as another mum really and believed she cared for all 4 of us. I confided in her how worried I was about DH and our marriage. I couldn't really believe he wanted to leave me and our two small DC.

I never heard from her or any of his family after that. She and FIL and his siblings offered him places to live and, although DH and I got back together quite quickly- after about 3 months- and we are fine now, not one of his parents or siblings contacted me to ask how I was doing and how our DC were. They never saw our DC either. There was not even a phone call or asking if I fancied a coffee or needed any help. It was such a difficult time but we managed and got through it as a couple.
TBH I felt they made it easy for DH to leave us and they showed no concern for me and the children at all. My DC were really confused and sad at the time about their dad and about not seeing the GPs and aunts.

I am struggling to have the relationship I had with them before. For DH and the DC's sake I maintain a polite, friendly relationship. I ask them to the house and visit theirs but I can not do more. I still feel very let down by them. I think that if our marriage had ended that would have suited them in some ways and can not understand why the children and I mattered so little to them. I don't think I will ever trust them again, especially my MIL.
Now she has said I am to go and see her 'for a long talk' . I have told DH I am not going and he understands why. I don't want to hear her 'side' of it- it is too late for excuses and I have no desire to have any closer relationship than we now have. I prefer to maintain some distance. TBH I would have no problem if I never saw any of them again but in the interests of DH and DC that would not be reasonable. AIBU?

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 29/12/2021 16:16

@GatoradeMeBitch

Indeed - "disposable", so sad isnt it. This poor woman. Sad

Yes I agree whole heartedly OP should profusly apologise but not to make things better for herself but just to be truly sorry - which it doesnt sound like she is - because shes missing out now shes sorry.

CanofCant · 29/12/2021 16:16

@ESGdance

I am interested at the timing of your post - 18 months after the break-up - is it because you were all excluded from Christmas celebrations with your DGCs?
This is a very good point. The bottom line is that you weren't interested in supporting her or your grandchildren when there was nothing in it for you. Now, only when it affects you and you feel uncomfortable do you regret your actions. I really hope she leaves him. I wouldn't trust him after his behaviour and I bet he was either cheating or hoping to.
BellyDancer124 · 29/12/2021 16:16

@PotatoOfTheNight

I think if she's being pleasant and polite when you do see her, I'd be happy with that.

You aren't going to ever get back to where you were before.

I agree with this. It's sad that you didn't contact her at all. If my MIL did that to me I'd be gutted. Perhaps you should try and make amends by organising some things for you all to do instead of waiting for her to do so.
theremustonlybeone · 29/12/2021 16:19

LuluBlakey1 sounds like you could be the Dil here....

whenthedoveslie · 29/12/2021 16:21

UGH. I am familiar with something similar.

It is a double blow alongside marriage breakdown.

Your conduct is unforgivable. I wouldn't give you the time of day again tbh.

Graphista · 29/12/2021 16:22

Sounds to me like your ds had an affair!

That then went pear shaped and he went crawling back to dil.

Even if he didn't that separation will have made her feel insecure in the relationship.

Frankly I think it's indefensible that your didn't ONCE check up on your own grandchildren! Or their mother!

My ex cheated and I booted him, my ex in laws stayed in touch in particular to stay in contact with dd (he was a nightmare about contact!) which I very much appreciated but also think is what should happen

She must be so hurt - and the grandchildren too if old enough to notice! - that you literally just cut her off as soon as they separated!

You're lucky she's being as civil as she is! In her shoes I wouldn't be making that much effort without an apology from you!

First thing you need to do is make a sincere in person apology asap

Next with dil agreement arrange a family outing where you see the grandchildren and start to rebuild that relationship

Then continue to make more effort and not leave it all up to her!

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 29/12/2021 16:22

Belly this would only benefit op though.

At the end of the day she dropped the mother of the GC and her sons wife insantly at the first whiff of trouble. She was not concillatory, diplomatic, she didn't let her confide, nothing.

Op doesn't like her dil, or value her. I am amazed the dil even goes around there TBH.

LuluBlakey1 · 29/12/2021 16:23

@theremustonlybeone

LuluBlakey1 sounds like you could be the Dil here....
I am. I wrote it from her point of view to see if OP could see how she might be feeling. So far OP does not seem to grasp DIL's feelings at all. It is all about what OP wants.
EmmasMum12 · 29/12/2021 16:24

@Lulu.... I'm so sorry you went through that. How awful for you Flowers