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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to have handled it this way re DS and DIL?

469 replies

MagnifyingGlasses · 29/12/2021 13:01

A year and a half ago my DS wanted to leave his wife and 2 young DC. We never got to the bottom of why he did, he just said he was unhappy and wanted to be on his own. DIL was very upset and I found out about this because she called me up to tell me he was leaving and was worried about him. DS didn't tell us himself.

After this we tried to support DS and both DH and I and his siblings gave him support by offering him a place to stay and bring the DC etc. It didn't get to this stage though as DS decided he wanted to stay with his family and DIL.

Since then I feel my relationship, and that of DH and my other DC, has deteriorated drastically with DIL. We all used to spend a lot of time together such as meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together. A lot of it organised by her and DS with their DC, my only DGC.

We are not NC with them, we do still see them, but not on the scale we used to. She no longer offers to organise things for us all to do, and we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house, but it feels strained and she no longer opens up around us.

I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done.

Could this be repairable? WWYD?

OP posts:
WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 29/12/2021 15:16

You'll get torn to shreds on here because MIL can never be forgiven basically

Oh ffs, I don’t like the constant MIL bashing on here either but this time it’s fucking justified.

Lndnmummy · 29/12/2021 15:19

I think you need to own this and apologise. She reached out to you with concerns about your son's wellbeing. Information you then used to support him (as he had not confided in you himself). This is after years and years of her including you in their family lives, organising things for you. Again, she did. Not your son. Then you just ghosted her. It is appalling behaviour. I would be extremely hurt.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/12/2021 15:20

Supporting your DS is one thing, which is natural, but essentially cutting off your DGC is something you can never come back from in a mothers eyes

Yes, exactly this
Since it's clearly a rocky relationship there's every chance they may eventually split up, and if they do she's already seen what your attitude's likely to be ... hard to blame her for being wary in these circumstances

BronwenFrideswide · 29/12/2021 15:20

@MagnifyingGlasses

Gosh, I'm scared to come back.

I do know that I didn't handle it right, resulting in this and I am sorry about it.

Regarding the 3 months. DS stayed in the marital home for a while at the beginning, then I was away on holiday for 3 weeks. They don't live close to us and we don't see them that often. I did speak to DS about the DGC and asked after them to make sure they were all right. I know that is not ideal. I definitely would not have not seen them again. I was just waiting to see what was going to happen long term and see what structures would be put in place.

I think I am going to ask DIL to come for a long talk with me and see if we can heal any of this.

Thanks for all the comments.

If I was her, which luckily for you I am not, I would tell you to shove your long talk where the sun don't shine.

However, if your DIL does agree to meet you for a long talk my advice to you would be:

Apologise unreservedly
Do not attempt to excuse or minimise your behaviour
Let your DIL do the talking and listen
Do not get defensive when you hear things you don't want to hear
Take the criticism for your and your families behaviour, don't try and deflect it
Agree to and accept what your DIL decides

The reason your and your family's relationship has irrevocably changed is because of your collective behaviour towards the mother of your grandchildren and your grandchildren, the culpability is all on your side, your DIL has nothing to apologise for so don't ask or expect her to.

RantyAunty · 29/12/2021 15:21

You really don't seem to see what you did as wrong do you.

If they hadn't gotten back together, I doubt anything would have changed. You would have continued to not speak to her.

I'm not sure why you want to mend things? Who does it benefit? Certainly not her.

You've shown how you really feel. Your relationship is as deep as a water drop.

She's being very very gracious with you. I wouldn't give you the time of day.

Staryflight445 · 29/12/2021 15:22

‘ I do think I did some things wrong when they were separated, which was for about 3 months. During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC. Also, my DD's gave him a lot of support, helping him to find somewhere to live and other things and also never spoke to DIL or DGC either. I think my DIL is hurt and no longer trusts us. At the end of the day though, he is my son and family and so I don't know what else I could have done. ’

This paragraph is the most significant in your post. Why on Earth did you stop contacting her and your grandchildren when they had a 3m break?
Your son comes first but my goodness, what on earth is that about?

gingerbiscuits · 29/12/2021 15:24

Christ, I don't blame your DIL in the slightest for backing off from you - she did no wrong whatsoever & you immediately just cut her & her children off?? For 3mths?? What the f*ck?? There was no need whatsoever for that. Especially your grandchildren for God's sake - what on earth was that about?? As a parent, you can certainly support your son while still being a decent human being & keeping contact with your grandchildren & their mum!! What would you have done if he HAD gone through with leaving her? Never seen them again? No wonder she's not inviting you on fun family days out - I think you're lucky she's friendly when you go round there!!

GrandPrismatic · 29/12/2021 15:26

We never got to the bottom of why he did
You know really though, although you don’t want to admit it here.

gingerbiscuits · 29/12/2021 15:29

And by the way - don't 'ask DIL for a long talk' - just own it & apologise profusely & then drop it. Do not put the poor woman through some sort of massive showdown. You were in the wrong. 100%. End of. Maybe you'll be lucky & your DIL will be forgiving in the future but for now I'd be bloody grateful she's even talking to you & letting you see your grandchildren.

ESGdance · 29/12/2021 15:31

Maybe she sees your support actions for your DS at that time as facilitating the breakdown of their family unit (proactively arranging accommodation etc) - if he was keen to leave the family unit then he needed to stand on his own two feet.

Did you encourage him to self reflect and consider working on his relationship and the impact of the split on his DCs and DP.

I think it’s interesting that DIL called you to say he was leaving - this indicates to me that she wanted / needed your family’s support to hold their family together - but your actions were to do the opposite.

JustLyra · 29/12/2021 15:32

If she does agree to your “long talk” @MagnifyingGlasses I would very strongly suggest that you don’t use the phrase ”he is my son and family” to her.

Whilst it’s clearly what you think and feel, saying it out loud to the poor woman’s face would very likely - for many many women - see the end of your relationship with your grandchildren, who you don’t see as family.

Might also not be an idea to say how much you are missing the days out she organised as opposed to, well, missing the grandchildren….

AcrossthePond55 · 29/12/2021 15:32

@MagnifyingGlasses

Gosh, I'm scared to come back.

I do know that I didn't handle it right, resulting in this and I am sorry about it.

Regarding the 3 months. DS stayed in the marital home for a while at the beginning, then I was away on holiday for 3 weeks. They don't live close to us and we don't see them that often. I did speak to DS about the DGC and asked after them to make sure they were all right. I know that is not ideal. I definitely would not have not seen them again. I was just waiting to see what was going to happen long term and see what structures would be put in place.

I think I am going to ask DIL to come for a long talk with me and see if we can heal any of this.

Thanks for all the comments.

No, you don't ask your DiL to come to you for a long talk. You go to her with hat in hand and admit you handled things badly and ask her forgiveness without rationalizing or excusing your behaviour. Best would be to find neutral public territory where voices need to be modulated and she would feel free to leave if she felt the need.

And if she declines to meet you or to accept your apology, accept that graciously and say nothing to your son.

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 29/12/2021 15:34

Your son was a prick.

You showed her that you don't consider her family, so she's treating you accordingly. Simple as. Why the fuck should she be bending over backwards facilitating you and your family when you all dropped her so quickly. If you want to see your son and grandkids more you need to talk to your son about that. Not her.

EmmasMum12 · 29/12/2021 15:37

@MagnifyingGlasses

Gosh, I'm scared to come back.

I do know that I didn't handle it right, resulting in this and I am sorry about it.

Regarding the 3 months. DS stayed in the marital home for a while at the beginning, then I was away on holiday for 3 weeks. They don't live close to us and we don't see them that often. I did speak to DS about the DGC and asked after them to make sure they were all right. I know that is not ideal. I definitely would not have not seen them again. I was just waiting to see what was going to happen long term and see what structures would be put in place.

I think I am going to ask DIL to come for a long talk with me and see if we can heal any of this.

Thanks for all the comments.

Grovel. Really really grovel. Because you are so in the wrong it is blinding. And your son comes across as an arse as well. Maybe he should try harder. Way harder.

Or maybe DIL is biding her time to get away from your awful family. Who could blame her?

TheGrinchsDog · 29/12/2021 15:40

So she did nothing wrong but you froze not only her but your only grandchild out because your son had a wobble and decided to leave for no apparent reason?

You're not a very nice person. You are lucky she's talking to you all at all and no it's probably not salvageable anymore because she doesn't trust you - and no wonder! - but you should never stop trying IMO you've got a lot to be making up for here.

She would have been devastated to be cut off from half of her family on top of her husband and father of her child deciding randomly for no reason he wanted to leave. Poor poor woman.

I actually think you should all be quite ashamed of yourselves. You can be supportive to your own flesh and blood without being cruel to other people at the same time you know?

greenlynx · 29/12/2021 15:40

I would try to talk to her but not about organizing things ( it would sound quite selfish tbh) but about how you were wrong not to contact her during that difficult period and not to offer her support at least with DC.

SD1978 · 29/12/2021 15:40

I'm sorry, but I doubt she sees your and your families behaviour as acceptable. She went husband and in-laws, to a husband buggering off out of the blue, and immediate contact cut with people she'd previously seen as a support network, to no contact with her or the children. I'd pull back in this scenario too, knowing that my feelings were so little regarded. I doubt she'll ever come round- I wouldn't.

Lndnmummy · 29/12/2021 15:44

So I was reflecting some more on this. Actually, the worst bit is you STILL only seem to be sorry for YOU. You seem only troubled by the fact that you are no longer included in the family outings (wonder why...) and not that you have deeply hurt your DIL. Its extremy self centered.

BlameItOnTheBlackStar · 29/12/2021 15:47

I think this is so sad for those children; all; of a sudden dropped by their Daddy, and Granny too. Imagine being the mother and trying to explain that to little kids?

I find it unbelievable that you did that to be honest. I think it's obvious that you felt like family to her before, but you broke that and now she sees no need to treat you as such. And why would she, when you hold the power to break her kids' hearts all over again?

Totalwasteofpaper · 29/12/2021 15:48

@MagnifyingGlasses

Gosh, I'm scared to come back.

I do know that I didn't handle it right, resulting in this and I am sorry about it.

Regarding the 3 months. DS stayed in the marital home for a while at the beginning, then I was away on holiday for 3 weeks. They don't live close to us and we don't see them that often. I did speak to DS about the DGC and asked after them to make sure they were all right. I know that is not ideal. I definitely would not have not seen them again. I was just waiting to see what was going to happen long term and see what structures would be put in place.

I think I am going to ask DIL to come for a long talk with me and see if we can heal any of this.

Thanks for all the comments.

Christ almighty you have a breath taking lack of self awareness.

She has mentally been through the wringer and prob has no mental bandwidth thanks to your delight of a son... you offered little to no support when he was being a turd....

AND NOW... you... YOU are sad Sad because the fun train she ran for your pleasure has stopped. You are misisng all the fun stuff she kindly and thoughtfully planned and included you in like meals out, go away for the weekend together, days out and even holidays together

Maybe you could now after several years of letting her carry the load for you and your lazy son you could carry the relationship a bit yourself and plan a few nice trips for her although secretly it is still all for and about you ????

TheGrinchsDog · 29/12/2021 15:48

@Lndnmummy

So I was reflecting some more on this. Actually, the worst bit is you STILL only seem to be sorry for YOU. You seem only troubled by the fact that you are no longer included in the family outings (wonder why...) and not that you have deeply hurt your DIL. Its extremy self centered.
This ^ also I'm quite Shock at the casual cruelty and subsequent thoughtlessness - quick gloss over what I did, I miss my days out Confused
Nousernameforme · 29/12/2021 15:48

You can imagine the aibu from the Dil aibu to just step back and do the minimum after 'd'ps family blanked us or 3 months when we temporarily split. I know that I used to do all the organising when it came to his side but after seeing how they treated me and my children I can't bring myself to be more than civil.

Honestly @MagnifyingGlasses leave the poor woman alone she owes you nothing and I think if you push your luck she might just not bother with you anymore

Tuttiflutey · 29/12/2021 15:56

@PotatoOfTheNight

I think if she's being pleasant and polite when you do see her, I'd be happy with that.

You aren't going to ever get back to where you were before.

… but you could write to her with an apology, saying that you regret the way you handled things (… but do make it a straight apology - don’t try and excuse or justify).
Sowhatifiam · 29/12/2021 15:57

During that time I thought their relationship was over, so I didn't contact her and I didn't speak to my DGC

why? I don't understand why you would do this. It doesn't make sense. You could have supported your DIL without betraying your son and vice versa. Do you see the children as some kind of extension of your DIL only?

we are no longer invited on any days out, trips etc. She is welcoming and friendly when we do see them, or when they are at our house

So what you've discovered there is that your DIL worked hard at maintaining a relationship with you and including you as wider family in family-related activities. Women's work. Mental load. You seem surprised that it doesn't happen in quite the same way as it did. Why? Why would she bother with you now when you showed her not one ounce of support when she probably needed some?

DepressionIsAMonster · 29/12/2021 15:57

My MiL could have written this. I initiated a separation - temporary, as it transpired, but I didn’t know at the time - with DH as I simply couldn’t handle his significant MH issues, a f/T job as breadwinner and parenting our one year old.

She called, once, and I missed it, and then didn’t call again. For years I had bought every present and card for her and FiL, encouraged DH to make a proper effort with them, facilitated days out and holidays with DC. When I needed an ounce of compassion (let alone support with DC) she was entirely absent.

You said yourself your DS is family and your actions have proved conclusively to your DiL that she is not. Therefore, she will no longer consider you family. My MiL is my husband’s mother; I’m courteous to her but I will never again trust her or put any effort into making her feel part of my family. All the long talks in the world couldn’t make up for how excluded and isolated her actions made me feel.