Crying over misunderstanding

[Onlyrainbows]

Sorry MN I obviously have no one to talk to this time of day. My DH and I had a minor argument over "budgets" we agreed to to budget £500 per DC for clothes and presents (both birthdays and Christmas). He is of the idea that uniforms should be excluded, I think they should be included. Well, we originally agreed we'd let the oldest one about how much there was in there budgets, and the younger ones just tell them that they had a certain budget that counted for everything, so they could play around with it without knowing the amount. We did tell the oldest one, but my DH regrets it and now we have to retract it. We BOTH agreed that this is what needs to happen, bit then he went on about how we're going to disappoint the again. Then the conversation went sideways (he kept drinking during the course of it) but after 3 hours of it I just feel annoyed and sad that there were so many misunderstandings and there's always my upbringing Vs his and trying to make them align when in reay they were very different. He's asleep and I'm crying fairly pointlessly but I don't know what else to do.

Uuuurgh.

I don’t like any of this and this thread is like Teflon with nothing anyone says making any kind of impact.

Do you accept that you have a messed up attitude?

Gosh it sounds a bit… joyless.

My parents were really obsessed with being ‘fair’ which is sort of good…. But we had a strict budget for birthdays and Christmas of £30 rising to £50 later on for main present from them for birthday and Christmas.
We did have a savings account but if we wanted something eg a hifi or electric keyboard, we’d have to top it up from the savings.
It was ok, but at age 10 or whatever it just felt very transactional and as I said…. joyless.

This thread is a bit bonkers.

OP please take note of the excellent advice that has already been given.

Is it that your household income has substantially increased and you want to make sure you just don't fritter it away? Or as my gran would've said - you don't want to become a 'spendthrift' (love that word).

You are fixating on a budget - first start with the big stuff:
Rent / mortgage
Council tax
Bills - gas, electric, internet, mobile phone etc
Paying off debt

Then see how much you have left.
Attribute that to the stuff you want / need:
Savings
Holidays
Home improvements
Car
School stuff - uniform, books etc
Fun stuff - days out, clothes.

The whole point about budgets is that they can and should be changed according to your circumstances.

You are fixating on £500 per child for all clothes (why?) when actually 1 child might need an investment purchase e.g. a good coat that will last 2 years, yet another child might need a pair of sock and knickers.
Why are you tying yourself into knots over this?

The borrowing of your clothes by a child is normal - just take it as a compliment. Be explicit if there are certain clothes you don't want her to borrow though.

Take a step back and breathe

@Mummyoflittledragon

Yes, there’s a 4th one. All of his expenses have always come from his child benefit, apart from nursery.

Wow. That really isn’t something to be proud of. And what do you mean by there’s a 4th one?! I think you mean we have a 4th child?

Exactly this. I was thinking what does she mean?

OP what do you do to earn £60K(?) when you can barely string a coherent post together?

@Flickflak

I’m not understanding the hand me down dislike here. Absolutely nothing wrong with hand me downs. We all grew up with them! I don’t understand most of the OP’s point of view but hand me downs are about 80% of DS2’s wardrobe and he loves getting big enough to fit in to them! He’s six now and I’m sure that will change but hand me downs will always feature here to some extent…. There was another comment I thought odd by another poster - we work hard so we can buy our kids the brands they want. A few brand items as a treat are great but seriously we all grew up with a mix of cheap and good clothes….

We all liked them when our dc were six. The OP's youngest who is nine is still enjoying the hand me downs.

My youngest also loved the hand me downs. One of my teenagers dresses like Fran Fine from 90's sitcom 'The Nanny'. The other wears giant hoodies and jeans. Pretty sure she wouldn't appreciate dd1's watermelon pocket dress.

I'd say clothing and shoes are separate to birthday/Christmas gifts. I buy whatever my children need, throughout the year. So summer clothes, winter clothes, hoodies/coats, sandals/trainers/boots/wellies. Uniform too. I wouldn't have told them their budget. Just buy as and when they need them. Forget the argument when drinks involved.

Wearing hand me downs isn't an issue.

Only wearing hand me downs and refusing to wear clothes that you picked......then asking if you can wear other people's clothes that have just been bought....is an issue. New clothes that people will wear are not hand me downs.

You have an income of 100k, if you need to budget an exact figure for school uniform and kids clothing from primark at the start of the year you’re doing something very wrong. Make an account for kids stuff, put a grand in now and see how far through the year it takes you. That way you can have a figure for next year and know when you’re half way through it etc. without planning all your spending now. And like everyone else has said, stop being so tight and let your teen have a hoodie.

So suddenly you've got another child!?! Where does this one fit in?

Now you’re back on your high salary again, forget all this nonsense about kids clothes and spend some money on therapy for yourself.

The present budget should be separate from clothes.

The 16yo boy would need a bigger clothes budget as men's clothes cost more.

So something like £100 for bday £100 for Christmas & then rest on clothes.

School uniform is separate. However it sounds like you hardly buy any and expect them to make do with hand me downs.

You earn enough to buy new uniform.

You're trying to impose your childhood rules on all these children. You sound really controlling.

We have 2 DC and earn just over half what you do & just buy what they need when they need it. There's no tally where there's a set amount. It depends how fast they grow. One might need underwear then the other might need football boots.

@YouCantTourniquetTheTaint

Essentials like school uniforms, underwear, socks and school shoes shouldn't be included in a budget that is meant for birthdays and Christmas. They are the basics that you need to supply.

The budget is for gifts not essentials. Either lower the budget and then pay for uniform ect, or let the DC's have their budget to spend on presents.

Yep this. The budget does not need to be set in stone and can change given your current financial situation but it is hugely unfair to expect uniform and underwear to be in a gift budget.

offmyfence

So suddenly you've got another child!?! Where does this one fit in?

I think this is why OP is setting this bizarre limit. She doesn't want to spend more on step children than the younger one. Naturally DH wants to spend what he likes on his elder children

I feel sorry for these children!

I agree this is about not spending on the step children

I'm guessing OP earns more (not sure if she has specified) and doesn't want to spend "her" money on his kids.

If you have lots of children you have to pay for them 🙄. Teens are not small children you don’t shove hand me downs or primark at them and think no more about it. One of the many reasons we only have 2…

So over complicated.
I am sure that most of us don't want to spend more than necessary but your system is too rigid.
I would buy school uniform and essential shoes , underwear, coat, sports clothes etc when needed. I am fine with second hand and hand me downs. As far as everyday clothes were concerned , again I would buy when needed but if it was a luxury item or an upgrade that I didn't see as required I would expect the DC to contribute in some way or time it for birthday/ Christmas. There are years when a particular child may hardly need anything and others where they grow like weeds and you are always buying. Your rigid system doesn't take this into account at all. It is the same with presents imo but I know some people do have budgets where each child gets the same .

I have 3 children. I budgeted for clothing by adding up how much I'd need to buy over an average year, then pricing that up by looking at a mid range shop (H&M/Next). Don't forget shoes, coats, swimming costumes etc. Don't have uniform here as abroad, but would calculate that separately. Then divided that by 12.

I halved the budget for the youngest because I can't hand down from DS1 to DS2 (10 year gap) but do hand down 75-80% of DS2's clothes to DS3 (3 year gap). Actual spending works out at €35 per month.

I use a software/method called YNAB, would really recommend this if you've had a jump in income and need to decide how to allocate it while prioritising what you need etc. (Cheeky referral link to get a free month: here) It lends itself pretty well to marital discussion as well IMO.

@Hotyogahotchoc

I agree this is about not spending on the step children

I'm guessing OP earns more (not sure if she has specified) and doesn't want to spend "her" money on his kids.

I am going to guess the oldest is ops, who is sensible and can save etc....the one she didn't mention is also ops.

The ones this thread is most focused, the middle 2 are her dhs .

I wonder if, when op was working her dh really didn't like sending any money just in her child.

Oooohhhhh it’s a step kids thing. Well that’s the conversation you need to have, who pays for the step kids now you’re earning more. You could contribute a certain amount and then your dh could top it up? It’s difficult, having different incomes and a blended house hold, it’ll be a big conversation which perhaps you’re trying to avoid with this 500 a year thing.

@Hotyogahotchoc

I agree this is about not spending on the step children

I'm guessing OP earns more (not sure if she has specified) and doesn't want to spend "her" money on his kids.

It makes a bit more sense now.

Presumably the DH’s two from his previous relationship get clothes, uniform, presents etc from their other parent. Also presume he pays child maintenance.

Then the op has a child from a previous relationship. No idea if their other parent contributes.

And then they have the joint child.

So it does make it a bit more complicated.

If they budget £500 per child the two from the DH’s previous relationship and the child from the OPs previous relationship potentially have similar spent on them by their other parent and the youngest would only ever have the £500.

I'm not sure if you said that you a son? If you do and he's pre-pubescent then you're in for a shock in a few short years - he's probably going to shoot up 6 inches and his feet will grow several sizes in one year.

He'll be dressed for school every few weeks and you'll look down and notice that his trousers are at his ankles (again) and his shoes are falling apart.

It should have been obvious there were step children in the mix.

Children get more expensive (in terms of clothing and "stuff") as they get older. You can't give the same budget to a toddler as you give to a teenager when it comes to clothes and shoes

The toddler won't cost much now but when the older kids are grown and hopefully not costing you anything, the toddler will be the one wanting expensive underwear and needing multiple pairs of shoes at adults prices.

Swings and roundabouts.

I advanced search trying to make sense of the ages /split. I found your other threads including the one where your MIL prefers not to drop off the SC's gifts to you, but to their mothers instead. I can see why, as it seems each present is grudged and balanced against an overall budget.

That so many posters here disagree, and immediate family are buying shoes/dropping off presents elsewhere should be a sign that something really isn't right in your current set up.

Jesus, what a joyless post.