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AIBU?

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Original poster

Crying over misunderstanding

625 replies

Onlyrainbows · 29/12/2021 01:34

Sorry MN I obviously have no one to talk to this time of day. My DH and I had a minor argument over "budgets" we agreed to to budget £500 per DC for clothes and presents (both birthdays and Christmas). He is of the idea that uniforms should be excluded, I think they should be included. Well, we originally agreed we'd let the oldest one about how much there was in there budgets, and the younger ones just tell them that they had a certain budget that counted for everything, so they could play around with it without knowing the amount. We did tell the oldest one, but my DH regrets it and now we have to retract it. We BOTH agreed that this is what needs to happen, bit then he went on about how we're going to disappoint the again. Then the conversation went sideways (he kept drinking during the course of it) but after 3 hours of it I just feel annoyed and sad that there were so many misunderstandings and there's always my upbringing Vs his and trying to make them align when in reay they were very different. He's asleep and I'm crying fairly pointlessly but I don't know what else to do.

OP posts:
WhatToDo1988 · 29/12/2021 09:15

You sound strange and more focused on an arbitrary budget than what your children need.

Fireflygal · 29/12/2021 09:15

I rarely buy anything that's more than £10 for myself

Op, please take onboard comments and perhaps listen to your husband at times or sensecheck with others. Being sensible with money is positive but I think you have some strange concepts around money due to your childhood. I'm not sure you should trust your own instincts on money.

I buy the children essential items, including all footwear and that includes school uniform, surely that's the starting point for any parent.

DisforDarkChocolate · 29/12/2021 09:16

I am totally baffled by anyone thinking they need so many rules about clothes buying.

I have 4 children (now nearly all adults). They have all had vastly different attitudes to clothes. One, more money on football boots and kit than clothes. One, oh the money I spent on tat when she was a teenager. One, hardly any interest in what they wear at all. One, hit a style he liked in his teens and has stuck with it.

When the oldest were young big things were Christmas presents because we had to save. Now there is only one at home, they get stuff when when I'm bored washing the same tops etc.

What I'm trying to say is as they get older it's probably going to be bloody hard work and stressful to have so many rules. One may really enjoy shopping in nice shops, one may always love vintage. Deciding to limit the shoppers love of new things and being up to date when you have the money to indulge them a little will probably feel very judgemental to a teenager.

I do not miss Top Shop, she has now moved onto Toast and that's bloody expensive to me.

Redhotspicywine · 29/12/2021 09:16

I honestly think you need therapy to deal with your issues around money and clothes etc.

I feel really sorry for your children - why can’t she have the pink bra if you can afford it? What on earth did you hope to achieve by telling them this bizarre and unhelpful budget?! Get some help foe the sake of your kids.

Hotyogahotchoc · 29/12/2021 09:17

Is this your DC and your stepDC?

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 29/12/2021 09:17

@bluntness no I was actually sober, just couldn't sleep. We love in a fairly deprived area and that's why I think they allow to not have uniforms with logos. And yes they only spend half the time here (which is also how we ended up with £500 logic)

OP posts:
MonicaGellerBing · 29/12/2021 09:17

What a bizarre argument to be having

2022newname · 29/12/2021 09:17

Last year I only spent about £80 on clothes for myself. and yet you have a wardrobe full of converse? Hmm

A decent winter coat - even from the cheapest of shops is around £50. And unlike you, your kids are still growing, so can’t wear the one from three or four years ago etc.

Doesntfeellikexmas · 29/12/2021 09:18

@Onlyrainbows

No, at their schools there's no blazers and the PE kit can be unbranded. The only real piece of uniform that has to be uniform or nothing else is the jumper.
Secondary/high school the 16 year old goes/went to and I presume the 12 year old as well? Very unusual.

There's a 4 th child somewhere as well isn't there, op?

Bluntness100 · 29/12/2021 09:20

[quote Onlyrainbows]@bluntness no I was actually sober, just couldn't sleep. We love in a fairly deprived area and that's why I think they allow to not have uniforms with logos. And yes they only spend half the time here (which is also how we ended up with £500 logic)[/quote]
That’s a bit concerning, if you were drunk it would just be the drink writing, if you were sober, maybe you need to seek some help.

userisi2 · 29/12/2021 09:21

Last year I only spent about £80 on clothes for myself.

And how much have you grown in that year and the years prior to that as your wardrobe has been developing? Children grow, they (usually) require clothes seasonally and this can't be predicted start of the year and then used against them like a stick "sorry son you grew too fast this year, no Christmas for you!"

OP are these your children?

Funnylittlefloozie · 29/12/2021 09:21

You said something about the child's "parental side" buying her things. Are these not your children?

I agree with not spoiling children, and not buying every damn branded thing ever, but children should have weather-appropriate shoes and clothes that fit them and are not ragged. They should have their own clean underwear, not handmedown stuff (except in emergency cases). Let your DD have a few pretty frivolous things, not just practical cheap stuff.

I could be your DD. I wasn't ever allowed nice new clothes - all my clothes were either handed down from friends or bought cheap in the market. I hated it. I internalised the message that I didn't deserve nice clothes or things, which has taken a very long time to get away from.

Finally, 15 yesr old Converse will look like nothing on earth. I bought a pair in NYC six years ago, and while they have been looked after, they are decidedly well-worn.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 29/12/2021 09:22

Yes @2022 I have a wardrobe full of converse because I started that collection when I was 15 and still own the (same for some hoodie that my daughter now has "on loan").

Yes, there's a 4th one. All of his expenses have always come from his child benefit, apart from nursery. This period of unemployment we had to add it to the pot, but it used to be completely separate, and plan to start again once I'm back in employment.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 29/12/2021 09:24

@2022newname

Last year I only spent about £80 on clothes for myself. and yet you have a wardrobe full of converse? Hmm

A decent winter coat - even from the cheapest of shops is around £50. And unlike you, your kids are still growing, so can’t wear the one from three or four years ago etc.

Exactly. Talk about pulling up the drawbridge.

So what if a grown adult, who hasn’t grown because they’re a grown up only spent £80 on clothes. Bully for you op.

Adelais · 29/12/2021 09:24

I also don’t agree with lumping presents and clothes into one budget. I can understand setting a budget for Christmas and Birthday gifts but surely you just buy kids clothes and uniform when they need them?

You earn a good wage so why are you stressing so much about the cost of clothes? I’d probably give the 16 year old a clothes allowance so they can choose there own clothes.

Bunce1 · 29/12/2021 09:25

are these your children or step children

2022newname · 29/12/2021 09:25

@Onlyrainbows

Yes *@2022* I have a wardrobe full of converse because I started that collection when I was 15 and still own the (same for some hoodie that my daughter now has "on loan").

Yes, there's a 4th one. All of his expenses have always come from his child benefit, apart from nursery. This period of unemployment we had to add it to the pot, but it used to be completely separate, and plan to start again once I'm back in employment.

If that’s the case they must be either worn to the bone. Or, like what you accuse your daughter (or step daughter) of - you buy stuff that you don’t wear. Which is totally usual - we all do it.
Yuledo · 29/12/2021 09:26

When ours got to be older teens they got a monthly clothes allowance that had to do for all of their wants. I still bought uniform and coats and necessary shoes but any fancy trainers etc had to come from their budget.
Boys need expensive sports socks to counterbalance the bras. I’d give the same budget to all.

This was on top of a monthly pocket money allowance that they had to tidy their rooms for once a week. They also had a chore each.

They were also given some lunch money that they could keep if they bothered to make their own packed lunch. One did bother so had extra spends to the other who was too lazy.
They were both told to get part time jobs at 16 but we didn’t stop any of the above. They got to see that hard work bought benefits.

You can then give a set budget for Xmas and birthday gifts. Would that work?

Doesntfeellikexmas · 29/12/2021 09:26

@Onlyrainbows

Yes *@2022* I have a wardrobe full of converse because I started that collection when I was 15 and still own the (same for some hoodie that my daughter now has "on loan").

Yes, there's a 4th one. All of his expenses have always come from his child benefit, apart from nursery. This period of unemployment we had to add it to the pot, but it used to be completely separate, and plan to start again once I'm back in employment.

So you youngest costs £80 per month. That's it?
Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 29/12/2021 09:26

One is mine, two are his, one is joint.

OP posts:
Funnylittlefloozie · 29/12/2021 09:27

This is getting worse. Do you seriously calculate expense per child? And to the point that you cry at night over it, when your household income is 100k? If this is true,OP, I genuinely think you might benefit from some therapy.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/12/2021 09:27

Yes, there’s a 4th one. All of his expenses have always come from his child benefit, apart from nursery.

Wow. That really isn’t something to be proud of. And what do you mean by there’s a 4th one?! I think you mean we have a 4th child?

Doesntfeellikexmas · 29/12/2021 09:27

And also, your child benefit will need to be paid back once one of you earns over 50k.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/12/2021 09:28

Oh and with all this money you are saving, I suggest you put a lot aside for therapy for these kids. They’re going to need it. Your attitude to money is frightening.

Peridot1 · 29/12/2021 09:28

I don’t really get the idea of budgets for Xmas and birthdays anyway and I certainly don’t agree with telling them.

But as everyone else has said it definitely should not include basics like school uniform, school shoes etc. Or underwear. Basic underwear anyway. If they want designer then that may be part of a present.

The ‘shopping’ from your closet and wanting her Dad’s new hoodie could be a few things. I raided both my parents closets as a teen. Because I could. Because I liked something. I didn’t have loads of clothes so it gave me a bit of variety. I usually asked first. So it could be as simple as that. Or it could be that she is not happy with her own things.