Crying over misunderstanding

[Onlyrainbows]

Sorry MN I obviously have no one to talk to this time of day. My DH and I had a minor argument over "budgets" we agreed to to budget £500 per DC for clothes and presents (both birthdays and Christmas). He is of the idea that uniforms should be excluded, I think they should be included. Well, we originally agreed we'd let the oldest one about how much there was in there budgets, and the younger ones just tell them that they had a certain budget that counted for everything, so they could play around with it without knowing the amount. We did tell the oldest one, but my DH regrets it and now we have to retract it. We BOTH agreed that this is what needs to happen, bit then he went on about how we're going to disappoint the again. Then the conversation went sideways (he kept drinking during the course of it) but after 3 hours of it I just feel annoyed and sad that there were so many misunderstandings and there's always my upbringing Vs his and trying to make them align when in reay they were very different. He's asleep and I'm crying fairly pointlessly but I don't know what else to do.

Clothing budgets seem to be where your issues are so I suggest three pots:

1. Essentials plus uniforms
2. Gifts
3. Clothing allowance

DCs need not know about categories 1&2.

Loosely with my older DC I give them a monthly budget plus we go shopping twice a year for essentials and school clothes (older DC no longer have a school uniform so I spend the equivalent of a uniform on outfits suitable for school).

We discussed with them what I buy v what they need to buy. E.g. I will buy socks/underwear/PJs or I’ll buy a swimming costume for £40 but if they want the £90 version that’s on them.

They do pretty well out of me but I want them to understand they can’t just have everything they want.

@ShowMeTheSugar

I advanced search trying to make sense of the ages /split. I found your other threads including the one where your MIL prefers not to drop off the SC's gifts to you, but to their mothers instead. I can see why, as it seems each present is grudged and balanced against an overall budget.

That so many posters here disagree, and immediate family are buying shoes/dropping off presents elsewhere should be a sign that something really isn't right in your current set up.

Well that makes sense if this nonsense! We'll done 🕵️‍♀️

The fact that these are mix of your children, step children and shared children makes the whole sticking to a specific budget even more bizarre.
I’d assume that the SCs DM is responsible for buying a lot of uniform - so your own DCs would be disadvantaged here.

God this thread makes me glad to have one child with one person. I have a headache just trying to work out how to try to make things 'fair' for everyone involved.

[quote EatDrinkEatDrink]@bingbangbongbash we were subbing her on nights out, taxi rides, meals out she NEVER paid, not something to be inspired by. It's the person who disappears when it's their time to go to the bar and its no fun when it's below freezing and they keep switching the house heating off!! She bought a big house granted in her 20s but she continues to pull the same stunts even now when she's married very well and can work pt!! She's a lovely person but has a lot of issues surrounding her childhood and money.[/quote]
Well that puts a slightly different spin on it that I missed from your earlier post - apologies if that was my poor reading, early doors.

Also OP I don't think this is a "misunderstanding" between you and your DH. It was a difference of opinion more like.

All older children get the same budget (and one mine only - who is happily wearing my denim jacket that's at least 17 years old). The budget also comes from the idea that since we're a blended family we try to treat them as equally as possible.

I'm really confused now. Which children are yours?
On £100k a year you shouldn't need to be worrying this much about how much your kids clothes cost.
But also thank you for reminding me ds2 ruined his school shoes doing forest school in them (he had trainers in his bag), so I need to get some more before they go back.

12yo is mine 2yo is joint. 9yo and 16yo are SKs

Trying to spend 'equally' across a 2yo, 9yo, 12 yo and 16yo (no matter their biological parentage) is bonkers

It was idiotic to lump their gift budget in with their annual clothes budget.

Things like school uniform, underwear, socks and personal hygiene products are like, the minimum you need to provide. That comes from you. Not from an annual budget of gifts and "upgraded" clothes. You need to be buying them the basics without making them scrimp and save the rest of their money to afford bras and underwear and school uniform.

You then decide what you can afford to spend on clothes for them throughout the year. They need to be adequately clothes. That is your job as a parent. If you cant afford higher end clothes then be honest with them.

Then you set a separate gift budget. They can choose what they like with that, and if the 16 year old wants to spend his gift budget on fancy clothes then he can go ahead.

You've made this weirdly complicated and told the kids stuff they dont need to be told and tried to invoice school uniform in a gift budget. What were you thinking?

Can you honestly not see why this doesn’t work? If you’re own kids are buying their essentials out of their budget, but your step children are not - you’re actually disadvantaging your own kids.

12 yours
16 & 9 yo DH
2 yo shared

OP have you had any reflections based on what we have all said?

It would probably have been better if you were drunk!

What’s your relationship with your parents like @Onlyrainbows?

If a man were doing this to his wife she’d be told to LTB. “You can have a bra, but not the one that you want”. You didn’t wear those shoes so I’m not buying shoes anymore you can use the 15 year old ones etc.

The takeaway is uniforms and essentials should be included and top ups can come from either a) a separate allowance or b) a bigger present budget than their usual £150.

@Onlyrainbows

12yo is mine 2yo is joint. 9yo and 16yo are SKs

Firstly, how lovely! I have read your posts and assumed all the children were yours and your DP - refreshing to read you treat all children the same. Secondly, I understand what you are saying and from what you have said (sorry if I am wrong) you want them to grow up appreciating the value of money etc. Someone else said it earlier but separating the pots may be a solution here, as previously said:

1. Clothes (essentials and uniforms)
2. Gifts (may include that more expensive clothing item which is a luxury)

That way they can choose gifts depending on budget etc.

Sorry I haven’t read all comments so this may be repeated information!

I'm puzzled, OP.

Are you the poster Terribleluck, as well, because you seem to be replying as the OP on other threads?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4428888-Need-help-withy-hair

2 yr old doesn’t need anywhere near as much as the older ones.

Sorry to add older children’s clothes naturally cost more for various reasons so the budget may need to adapt for that!

I didn't quite understand what they when I was a teen, but it think once in uni I really appreciated their take on finance. I saw that I had cooler clothes/holidays but always had to wait for them, rather than instant purchase. Ok I had a computer much later in life in comparison to my peers, but I still ended up working in tech. I really love holidays and that's thanks to my folks. I've actually thanked them for their weird rules that I didn't quite understand at the time but with hindsight I thought it was a decent trade off..

Yes I'm terrible luck :)

@Onlyrainbows

Yes I'm terrible luck :)

Ah right. Did your husband's wedding jacket turn up?

I’ve genuinely never heard of anyone telling young kids how much they have to spend annually on clothes before, mid ti late teens sure, and done as pocket money but a a 12 year old or a nine year old?

It’s a parents job to clothe their child, growth spurts and wear and tear can’t be predicted. You buy your kids new clothes, underwear and shoes as they need them and within what you can afford, not what rhey can.

Yes it did at the pub @charity