Crying over misunderstanding

[Onlyrainbows]

Sorry MN I obviously have no one to talk to this time of day. My DH and I had a minor argument over "budgets" we agreed to to budget £500 per DC for clothes and presents (both birthdays and Christmas). He is of the idea that uniforms should be excluded, I think they should be included. Well, we originally agreed we'd let the oldest one about how much there was in there budgets, and the younger ones just tell them that they had a certain budget that counted for everything, so they could play around with it without knowing the amount. We did tell the oldest one, but my DH regrets it and now we have to retract it. We BOTH agreed that this is what needs to happen, bit then he went on about how we're going to disappoint the again. Then the conversation went sideways (he kept drinking during the course of it) but after 3 hours of it I just feel annoyed and sad that there were so many misunderstandings and there's always my upbringing Vs his and trying to make them align when in reay they were very different. He's asleep and I'm crying fairly pointlessly but I don't know what else to do.

@Onlyrainbows

No the 9yo has a completely different taste in clothes. The truth is we're using some.of the extra money to visit my family and have a nice holiday as well as to make this house a home and save just in case either of us ends up without work for whatever reason.

Ok....

Normal family things?

Still think the budget is unreasonable.

How much are their uniforms? I remember my boys were extortionate, 3 PE kits, rugby, football and indoor kits. Football boots, blazers etc.

When the 9 year old starts high school, I would think the £500 would be spent just in uniform that year?

🦇 🦇 🦇 💩 💩 💩 crazy, this whole thread!!!

@Onlyrainbows

No the 9yo has a completely different taste in clothes. The truth is we're using some.of the extra money to visit my family and have a nice holiday as well as to make this house a home and save just in case either of us ends up without work for whatever reason.

Trust me your kids won’t thank you for the “nice holiday” and new sofa when they’re the ones in school in hand me downs, which do you honestly think leaves the longer lasting impression?

Her parental side buys her tons of useless things. No growing child needs 5 jackets (or more I lost count), 10 or more pencil cases, 15 water bottles, etc... This family is very diverse, one side is fairly wasteful and always has been (IMO), my DHs side has been more of charity shops and hand me downs. Ever since we've become a family I've helped my DH our of his debt and overdraft, and get one deposit from one house and then 18.months later have been able to.upgrade.

OP - why do you think there isn't a single
poster on this thread who agrees with your idea?

Does that not tell you something?

You make 100k, and you budget £500 per child for the entire years worth of clothes and uniform, AND presents?
Sorry - that's beyond tight.
They are your children. When they need new clothes, shoes, underwear and uniform, you provide it. It shouldn't be included in their budget for gifts. You shouldn't be budgeting anything for essentials - if ones shoes break but they've reached their budget, then what?
The whole thing is utterly ridiculous.
Telling them is even more bizarre, especially given how much you earn. You're basically telling them everything they need has to fall within £500, and that's an extraordinary amount of pressure to put on your kids. Worrying about money is your job, not theirs!!

So yoh want to over frugally to the point that the cost of underwear will be knocked off Christmas presents.

But also won't question that your dd picks clothes then refuses to wear them. Then says she wants to wear clothes that belong to other people instead. Not just hand me downs, but as soon as people are bought something she asks if she can wear it.

She is also physically unable to save any money, that doesn't concern you?

Its appears that you are tight when it suits you. Not generally frugal. You are imposing your own standards to this.

The tears were probably because you could force dh to fo it your way.

What possessed wither of you to give this to ds as 'good news'

Obviously there are certain things you can't plan for, but I'd like them to be aware that sometimes you need to save mone for emergencies (which would.be the idea of their budget)

That’s screwed up. Children don’t have emergencies that they have needed to save for. This includes 16yo’s. What emergencies could dependents have that necessitates them using their savings? This is all sorts of screwed up.

The uniform side seems the out of order one. Which I have to admit I have no idea how much they cost as up to today, I haven't bought anything beyond polo shirts and trousers for my 12yo who BTW prefers Asda ones she doesn't like how the M&S fit.i went on super awesome holidays BTW and that's what I remember and miss from my teenage years, not that my folks would never buy me Adidas or whatever brand was big back then.

£500 for clothes all year, (secondary school) uniform, birthday AND Christmas? That seems quite tight, I'm not sure why you're bundling presents with essentials, or why you'd be involving kids in this conversation?

There was another comment I thought odd by another poster - we work hard so we can buy our kids the brands they want. A few brand items as a treat are great but seriously we all grew up with a mix of cheap and good clothes….

Thayd not what they said

I can understand why your husband needed to drink during this conversation.

You seem to really resent your daughter having anything that isn’t what you see as a necessity.

Ok you have lost me now. Are you their mother?
How have you not bought uniforms for them before?

@Onlyrainbows

The uniform side seems the out of order one. Which I have to admit I have no idea how much they cost as up to today, I haven't bought anything beyond polo shirts and trousers for my 12yo who BTW prefers Asda ones she doesn't like how the M&S fit.i went on super awesome holidays BTW and that's what I remember and miss from my teenage years, not that my folks would never buy me Adidas or whatever brand was big back then.

No blazers, no PE kit, no sports equipment?

Something is not adding up, and it’s not just the spreadsheet.

I have learned to listen to them get them one thing they want and value not loads of tat. Dd wanted the NF coat and wasn’t bothered about anything else so she gets that so one big thing of value rather than 15 cheap pencil cases and is genuinely thrilled plus she wears it daily and it’s warm.

Mine (13 and 15) are more brand and quality aware now if it’s tat they genuinely don’t want it. They won’t shop in primark or shein for environmental reasons. They want less stuff but what they have is better quality so lasts and like vintage too. A strict budget isn’t the way to instil better shopping habits that’s a blunt instrument you need to actually parent young teens and help them with this.

Something is not adding up, and it’s not just the spreadsheet.

^ This

@Onlyrainbows

The uniform side seems the out of order one. Which I have to admit I have no idea how much they cost as up to today, I haven't bought anything beyond polo shirts and trousers for my 12yo who BTW prefers Asda ones she doesn't like how the M&S fit.i went on super awesome holidays BTW and that's what I remember and miss from my teenage years, not that my folks would never buy me Adidas or whatever brand was big back then.

You've never bought your 12yo PE kit or trainers or plimsolls or branded school jumpers or a blazer?

Teaching your children about money doesn’t mean issuing budgets to them in this way. Budgets that seems completely arbitrary and Ill thought out.

Uniform, underwear, sports kits, 3 pairs of shoes (school/sports/day to day) winter coat, rain coat, PJs. All of that is essential and should be bought as often as needed and as good as you can afford. Your children may well want a branded jacket or trainers. That’s normal. If you can’t afford it, then you shop in the sales, eBay or you negotiate a lesser brand. And £200 per cold per year for all of the above probably isn’t anywhere near enough. And I don’t think it should be a fixed amount.

The way you think about money and your children is very weird and honestly borderline abusive.

Take a big step back and rethink all this.

@user because that's way more than we'd normally spend on them. So given the increase in income, we upped that up proportionately, and yes maybe it was a mistake to tell them (which my DH and aI agree on) but he does agree the budget is fine, the difference is in the uniforms and the essentials definition. But if we remove underwear and uniforms seems like a very decent budget? To me anyways. Last year I only spent about £80 on clothes for myself. I think my DH was probably something similar but really can't remember, but this year was a very frugal year.

These aren't your kids are they?

Have you forgot to point out that you only have to provide for form half the time?

Op were you also drinking when you posted this? No one has a gift budget and includes school uniforms in it. School uniforms are not a birthday or Christmas gift.

Yabu op
You’re on 100k a year and making your kids budget for their school uniform and presents

No, at their schools there's no blazers and the PE kit can be unbranded. The only real piece of uniform that has to be uniform or nothing else is the jumper.