Haven’t yet reached the end of the thread but just had to respond about the bit where the OP says her kids don’t understand the concept of saving and would just waste it all on tat.
No, kids don’t understand the of saving unless we teach them and allow them to learn through trying!
I use gohenry cards for my two, my eldest is 12 so similar age to one of the OPs. He gets a small, and I mean under £5, allowance into his card every week. He can spend it however he likes. Initially he spent it all on sweets and crap. But then when he came asking for money for for its skins and suchlike, I said no, he’d have to use his own money for that. He didn’t have enough and had a huge tantrum. I reminded him that it was his choice what he spent his money on, and that in a couple of weeks, if he saved it, he would have enough to buy the thing himself. So he had to wait and save and bought it.
He got the hang of it, and now never asks me for money for little things and has even managed to save up to buy bigger things he wanted like wireless headphones that cost £40.
I buy all his clothes and shoes etc as needed, I would never expect him to pay for those, but if he wanted a specific thing that was more expensive I would ask him to contribute or save for it.
You need to give kids the chance to learn this stuff. It’s easier to learn when younger, with small amounts of money, than it is to try and learn when they off on their own at Uni and suddenly realise they have to pay fees, rent, food, clothes, travel, books and no idea how to do it.
Let them learn now.
It does mean you have to not judge what they choose to spend ‘their’ money on - they have to learn the value of money, and sometimes they will may what seem to be unwise choices, which they may regret later when they see something better but no longer have enough - but that’s how they learn.