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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Crying over misunderstanding

625 replies

Onlyrainbows · 29/12/2021 01:34

Sorry MN I obviously have no one to talk to this time of day. My DH and I had a minor argument over "budgets" we agreed to to budget £500 per DC for clothes and presents (both birthdays and Christmas). He is of the idea that uniforms should be excluded, I think they should be included. Well, we originally agreed we'd let the oldest one about how much there was in there budgets, and the younger ones just tell them that they had a certain budget that counted for everything, so they could play around with it without knowing the amount. We did tell the oldest one, but my DH regrets it and now we have to retract it. We BOTH agreed that this is what needs to happen, bit then he went on about how we're going to disappoint the again. Then the conversation went sideways (he kept drinking during the course of it) but after 3 hours of it I just feel annoyed and sad that there were so many misunderstandings and there's always my upbringing Vs his and trying to make them align when in reay they were very different. He's asleep and I'm crying fairly pointlessly but I don't know what else to do.

OP posts:

Bouledeneige · 29/12/2021 12:09

I wouldn't put essentials like school uniform, shoes and underwear in a budget that I then told my kids. It is your responsibility to provide that and they shouldn't be feeling responsible for it. I also wouldn't lump it together with gifts. Sure you can budget but why tell the kids. You will just have to use your judgement on a case by case basis.

Original poster

Onlyrainbows · 29/12/2021 12:10

My parents were tight on money and definitely don't resent them. I have no student loans to pay, that definitely has paid off in the end. And yes to a 10k holiday (it's actually split into two) but I haven't had one in 5 years and most certainly deserve one.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/12/2021 12:12

So based on a take home of £60k, your plan was to spend 16% of your total income on one two week holiday and 0.83% of your total income on each child's clothing, uniform and gifts for the whole year?

Seriously, do you not see why people think this is awful?

Original poster

Onlyrainbows · 29/12/2021 12:13

It's not my step daughter BTW it's my own, and yes I definitely think it'd smarter. To get one white and one black, rather than just one pink.

OP posts:

Heartburnkillingme · 29/12/2021 12:13

Your kids deserve essentials and not the bare minimum too, but you do you. Your holiday is obviously the pressing matter.

CPL593H · 29/12/2021 12:19

And yes to a 10k holiday (it's actually split into two) but I haven't had one in 5 years and most certainly deserve one.

Not when you are scrimping and whinging about your kids underwear (for the love of God) and making up complicated budgets seemingly to avoid spending on essentials.

My parents were not rich and had many issues, but they actually went without themselves to ensure we had what we needed (and that included our feet measured and decent shoes)

Flowers500 · 29/12/2021 12:21

@Onlyrainbows

It's not my step daughter BTW it's my own, and yes I definitely think it'd smarter. To get one white and one black, rather than just one pink.

Fucking mother of the year there. Get some therapy before your children (rightly) are done with you. They’ll think you’re an utter twat getting plastic surgery and expensive holidays, but begrudging the fact their 500 quid a year no longer includes uniforms. Why did you have children if you resent and hate them so much? You clearly see them as unworthy of you and not worht any affection.

LubaLuca · 29/12/2021 12:21

Christ, I had a pretty frugal upbringing, but my mum wouldn't have split hairs over a bra! She would have understood, and done her best to give us simple things that would have made us happy. Why won't you do that for the people you love? It's such a small thing to do with no impact on anyone else.

I don't understand you at all.

Swonderful · 29/12/2021 12:22

@Insert1x20p

When I was 16 I started to get a clothes allowance but my mum bought me underwear and school uniform/ shoes and one pair of sports (not fashion) trainers. That seemed a good compromise. I soon learned that if I wanted designer stuff I had very little of it so I saved up and waited for the sales/ got into vintage (aka jumble sales) etc. Also I had a few PT jobs that I'd also waste spend in Miss Selfridge. I'd ask for jeans etc for Christmas and that was separate.

I'm got clothing allowance from age 13. My parents still paid for uniform, school shoes and underwear. Then I could save up if o wanted something more expensive. I think it's also good (if you can afford it) to give the older ones to cover the odd cinema/ milkshake/McDonald's with friends.

tara66 · 29/12/2021 12:22

Give up all alcohol as it is so expensive.

LubaLuca · 29/12/2021 12:27

@tara66

Give up all alcohol as it is so expensive.

But that's for adults! They're what matter, and as long as the adults are beautified, rested and pissed, then the children could ask for nothing more.

NalPolishRemover · 29/12/2021 12:30

This thread is totally bonkers!!
I cannot get my head around being fine to budget 10k for a holiday & being so penny pinching with your dc!

Are you trying to replicate what your parents did when you were a child? You mention having fabulous holidays but no spending on clothes?

We have teen dc & spend a HELL of a lot more than that on clothes & gifts for them. It's v important for dc to develop good self esteem & to feel part of things with their peer group etc.

OP i truly feel sorry for your collective dc & they deserve better. I think you're storing up a lot of problems for the future & I think your attitude is v sad.

Spend less on holidays & more on your dc is my advice!

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 29/12/2021 12:30

Uniforms should not be included as a gift. Thats your responsibility to provide for.

Flowers500 · 29/12/2021 12:32

@Onlyrainbows

Sorry but no you don’t deserve one. When you resent your children the bare minimum, your plastic surgery and luxury holiday is not an option.

Hankunamatata · 29/12/2021 12:32

Bit weird you give kids a budget, we just pit x amount each month into savings account for clothes/shoes and dip in as ness. I buy clothes that are essential inc underwear. If they want swanky clothes or trainers they save up/use gift money/ask as their present.
Uniforms not included - we budget separately for that.

icedcoffees · 29/12/2021 12:33

@Onlyrainbows

But your kids don't deserve shoes, clothes and underwear unless it comes out of their tiny £500 annual budget?

icedcoffees · 29/12/2021 12:34

@Onlyrainbows

It's not my step daughter BTW it's my own, and yes I definitely think it'd smarter. To get one white and one black, rather than just one pink.

On your salary why don't you just get her all three?

CSJobseeker · 29/12/2021 12:36

Agreed. I mean, three bras... it's hardly crazy extravagance!

One to wear, one in the wash, one in the drawer.

EKGEMS · 29/12/2021 12:39

I knew a family that would set an allowance for shoes per month and if the shoes the kids want exceed that monthly amount then the kids would have to save up for them-these are fancy shoes like air Jordan's not school uniform shoes and if their old shoes were worn out or outgrown of course they'd be replaced as/when.

Hankunamatata · 29/12/2021 12:39

My parents had nothing. I had paperound at 12 as parents couldn't afford pocket money. They always made sure I had clothes - luckily our town was poor so everyone shopped at same places so wasnt pressure for designer clothes.

Clarich007 · 29/12/2021 12:42

Bizarre is correct.
Why are you tying yourself in knots about this, It's ridiculous! You state that you come from an affluent background, yet also say that you had to follow bizarre financial rules, yet you are doing exactly the same thing. Your kids will probably impose the same rules on their kids ad infinitum!
You could relax, stop it now and enjoy your wealth

CPL593H · 29/12/2021 12:47

My relationship with my mother was problematic to say the least, all the rest of her life.

One thing I hold on to is the time we were passing Miss Selfridge and I spotted a pair of pearl grey ankle boots, £5 in the sale. I didn't ask for them but she watched me looking at them and got them for me, probably spending money that was ill afforded, although things had improved at this point. They were my first really "grown up" shoes and I wore them until they fell apart, years later. They were a little proof that actually she did love me and wanted to make me happy and nearly half a century later, it is still important.

Genuinely OP, please be mindful of stuff like this in how you sort things out going forward. It may not seem important to you but it will to them.

Serendipity79 · 29/12/2021 12:47

This thread is crazy! I was the poor kid at school, always bullied for having crap clothes with holes in them and I was determined my kids wouldnt ever struggle like I did. I've worked my way up to a good job in the £60k region but I am a single parent and I still budget in terms of bills and pension etc.

But once the bills are paid, every single penny goes on my kids in one way or another. I am quite frugal with myself in terms of clothes etc but if they need uniforms, clothes, kit for school etc then they get it - the only budgeting that goes on at that point is me adding it to my spreadsheet to check on my spending for the month!

My kids are varying ages and don't get the same spent on them as their needs vary through the year, e.g. the smaller ones need shoes more regularly - and why on earth you wouldn't have them measured is beyond me, because ill fitting shoes can cause long lasting damage to small feet, and my teenager tends to bulk buy clothes according to the season. If there's something expensive they want like a new game for the Switch then it waits for a special occasion. My teenager gets a monthly allowance, my little ones don't but I save into separate accounts for them. My eldest daughter paid board for a few years which I saved and surprised her by giving it her back towards her house deposit and she s now a homeowner in her early twenties, so I like to think my style of budgeting and supporting them financially has worked in some way!

Reading your posts makes me feel so sad for your children tbh. Not everyone has your kind of income in order to buy quality things for their children and I do understand that you want to budget but you have a very good income and you're prioritising things for yourself and a holiday rather than your kids having nice things and access to that income. You're coming across as very mean spirited and tight towards your own family.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/12/2021 13:05

@Onlyrainbows

It's not my step daughter BTW it's my own, and yes I definitely think it'd smarter. To get one white and one black, rather than just one pink.

Do you own just two bras? Must be a nightmare doing one to wash and one to wear constantly.

Take the kid shopping
Buy the pink bra she likes and some plain ones for under uniform (so couple of white one) and other clothes (couple of black one) and whilst you're there text yourself to a couple of extra bras. They're more essential than a holiday

AfterSchoolWorry · 29/12/2021 13:10

£500 for all their clothes throughout the year and presents, including Santa ?

I don't know how you manage that!

I'd spend at least that on Christmas and we are not well off.

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