Crying over misunderstanding

[Onlyrainbows]

Sorry MN I obviously have no one to talk to this time of day. My DH and I had a minor argument over "budgets" we agreed to to budget £500 per DC for clothes and presents (both birthdays and Christmas). He is of the idea that uniforms should be excluded, I think they should be included. Well, we originally agreed we'd let the oldest one about how much there was in there budgets, and the younger ones just tell them that they had a certain budget that counted for everything, so they could play around with it without knowing the amount. We did tell the oldest one, but my DH regrets it and now we have to retract it. We BOTH agreed that this is what needs to happen, bit then he went on about how we're going to disappoint the again. Then the conversation went sideways (he kept drinking during the course of it) but after 3 hours of it I just feel annoyed and sad that there were so many misunderstandings and there's always my upbringing Vs his and trying to make them align when in reay they were very different. He's asleep and I'm crying fairly pointlessly but I don't know what else to do.

That's the complete OPPOSITE of what everyone has said
Indeed it is. To a degree that is unfathomable. OP how can you have read all the replies and come away with a conclusion so at odds with what has actually been said?

@iced I've already said that was a typo and it should read "shouldn't". For a few years we weren't on good salaries, we were on NMW jobs and a nursery to pay. For a the first couple of years our joint income was around £39k and then gradually improved to £44k thereabouts end of last year. We used to have semi separate finances (not my side btw I've always out in all of my salary) so the money that actually came into the joint bank accounts was about £2300 pcm

@Onlyrainbows

It might sound bizarre to you, but these kids haven't had much bought for them beyond what they really really needed (my SKs for most of their life) and my DD for almost 4 years, so saying "looks guys you'll definitely have more freedom" foes sound like a treat to me. My SKs never had their feet measured properly (I don't think anyways) all of their shoes even before I was present have been from Asda, Deichman, etc..

Well shame on your Husband too.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Last year I only spent about £80 on clothes for myself. I think my DH was probably something similar but really can't remember, but this year was a very frugal year.

That's your prerogative of course but spending the equivalent of £6 a month on clothing is unusual for an adult who is in employment especially a home that was at the time having a £60k income - and now a £100k one.

It seems unfair to me to base your idea of what's fair for your kids on your own very unusual tendencies when it comes to finances.

Also, adults aren't growing constantly.

I still wear work dresses that I bought a decade ago, whereas a 10 year old wouldn't be able to wear clothes they fitted into even 3 years ago.

I don’t think uniforms should be included and think gifts should be separate budget entirely from clothes, and the children shouldn’t even know about it.

I agree.

You need to loosen the purse strings and live a little. Buy the child who loves Converse a pair of their own. Buy your daughter that pink bra. Treat your children from time to time 'just because'. Teach them about budgeting and saving (and doing chores) then start giving them pocket money. Perhaps get some help for yourself, this obsession with money is unhealthy and unnecessary given your income.

This sounds bonkers - does buying stuff for kids really need to be this complicated ?
You stay within means and get them what they need and some of what they want - ?

I think you should look at your husband for guidance OP - most certainly do not ask your parents opinion, they have screwed you up, good and proper. I hope you soon make sense of it all. Don't burden your children/step kids with having to think about budgeting for essentials. They will resent it, with time, or grow up with similar difficulties to what you are having.

My SKs never had their feet measured properly (I don't think anyways) all of their shoes even before I was present have been from Asda, Deichman, etc..

Why didn't your DH ever take his kids to get their feet measured?

@Onlyrainbows

The uniform side seems the out of order one. Which I have to admit I have no idea how much they cost as up to today, I haven't bought anything beyond polo shirts and trousers for my 12yo who BTW prefers Asda ones she doesn't like how the M&S fit.i went on super awesome holidays BTW and that's what I remember and miss from my teenage years, not that my folks would never buy me Adidas or whatever brand was big back then.

But a) it seems like your children are different (who knew!) and b) you could afford to take them on holiday and treat them to some nice clothes again. You sound almost abusively tight to the point I hope you're a troll.

I'm bemused by this, can't imagine having school uniform bundled in with birthday/Christmas present budget for a start.

When it comes to money, you can only really give it if the recipient can control it.

This is a tenet that goes back 1,000 years.

I find it more odd that op budgets 10k for holidays and is thinking of getting herself a some cosmetic surgery.

But is so tight in other areas.

@AlDanvers

I find it more odd that op budgets 10k for holidays and is thinking of getting herself a some cosmetic surgery.

But is so tight in other areas.

That's...weird, for sure.

Pink bra = unnecessary extravagance
10k holiday = essential spending

It's fucked up.

So based on a take home of £60k, your plan was to spend 16% of your total income on one two week holiday and 0.83% of your total income on each child's clothing, uniform and gifts for the whole year?

Seriously, do you not see why people think this is awful?

Measuring children's growing feet = waste of money, ASDA shoes will do
Plastic surgery = totally justified expense

Crikey, this sounds over complicated.
It never occured to have set budgets and and decide whether it included pants or not with my two!
Ive certainly never had a fight or cried over it.
Each year there are so many variables. Sometimes one may grow quicker than the other and need more stuff or have more occasions coming up eg like prom night.

One year we didnt have to buy the younger one any beach stuff because everything fitted. The oldest one needed kitting out ( in Animal and Qicksilver!!🤣) shorts and tshirts.
What about clothes for hobbies? Both lads mountain biked so I'd buy Underarmour leggings and shirts They needed gloves and helmets.

Having set budgets and telling one kid is mad.

I’m from a very poor family, six children and DH is from a very wealthy family, housekeeper, second home, very expensive public schools. We had hand me downs but never shoes, they are the one hand me down even we didn’t have as feet mould a shoe and it’s not a good idea to ever share them.

You just both sound massively tight when it comes to all the children and I’m someone who is careful with money as is DH even though we have very different backgrounds. My family were poor so at least we were all in it together. I think if I understood as I got older how tight you were I would be resentful.

This thread is the most buzzard I have read in a while @Onlyrainbows do you make everything so complicated

I could understand it if you were on an incredibly tight budget but £100k!! Ridiculous.

Just because a person has money, that doesn’t mean they should spend it unnecessarily.

I’m sure if OP later came on to say she had lost her job and didn’t know what to do she’d be told she should have been saving money for such an eventuality, on 100k, and how dare she complain, and her kids are spoiled and will never learn about money if she just buys what they want.

Our household income is more than that. I could buy my daughter whatever she wanted, spraff £££ on clothes and things etc. But I don’t. I budget as if our income was half what it is, put the rest in savings so we can spend on holidays or trips away, and if something happened we have 6 months of bill payments in our savings account. I put money in my daughter’s saving account to help her through Uni too. The savings are way more important than any want for expensive new shoes.

Just because a person has money, that doesn’t mean they should spend it unnecessarily.

OP spends 10k on family holidays but begrudges her (step?) daughter a pink bra because it's too expensive.

Blimey you sound a right miser. Your daughter has a single pair of shoes and you earn 100k?! Can’t you just set a budget for their presents and then buy clothes when needed? If they want some fancy designer clothes then hey can put it in their Christmas or birthday list.
£500 seems quite a small budget for everything each anyway. I’m pretty sure I spend close to that on clothes and shoes alone for each child.

I buy all essentials and uniforms for DD. That includes shoes (winter boots, trainers to muck about in, school shoes) and basic clothes . If she wants something branded or special or to experiment with as she finds her style then it tends to be xmas or birthday and she picks what she wants. I might give guidance but she has final say.

Sometimes it's the wrong season but that doesn't mean it's a no. We shop around, look for sales/deals ,check ebay etc to see if we can find it cheaper. She still gets it but learns to check prices and look for a good deal and budget , which I think it's a lot more useful in the long term.

For her birthday she picked 6 items that she loved totalling £44 in the sale.

@icedcoffees

Just because a person has money, that doesn’t mean they should spend it unnecessarily.

OP spends 10k on family holidays but begrudges her (step?) daughter a pink bra because it's too expensive.

I looked online and the most expensive one I could find was £30.