Page 11 | Crying over misunderstanding

Onlyrainbows · 2021-12-29T01:34:40+00:00

Sorry MN I obviously have no one to talk to this time of day. My DH and I had a minor argument over "budgets" we agreed to to budget £500 per DC for clothes and presents (both birthdays and Christmas). He is of the idea that uniforms should be excluded, I think they should be included. Well, we originally agreed we'd let the oldest one about how much there was in there budgets, and the younger ones just tell them that they had a certain budget that counted for everything, so they could play around with it without knowing the amount. We did tell the oldest one, but my DH regrets it and now we have to retract it. We BOTH agreed that this is what needs to happen, bit then he went on about how we're going to disappoint the again. Then the conversation went sideways (he kept drinking during the course of it) but after 3 hours of it I just feel annoyed and sad that there were so many misunderstandings and there's always my upbringing Vs his and trying to make them align when in reay they were very different. He's asleep and I'm crying fairly pointlessly but I don't know what else to do.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 29/12/2021 10:32

@CharityDingle

What has that got to do with anything? Plenty of people name change and then forget to check when they reply. I'm puzzled as to why you that matter or has anything to do with what the OP is saying?

It sounds like you're trying to catch her out, but nothing she has said is anything to "catch out".

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/12/2021 10:35

@BlusteringBoobies

Honestly OP I think your massively projecting your own childhood experiences here and by doing the complete opposite of what you had, creating a new set of issues.

You also seem to be mentally stuck in your head to your old £45k income and behaving as if your disposable income hasn't moved much when it really must have.

You keep saying you don't give pocket money as the kids don't save and spend on tat but the only way to change that is to keep giving it to them and letting them bear the consequences and learn that they need to.

You've had lots of great advice on this thread of how to rebalance: stick to a purely gift budget, have clothing in your head and just work to it and flex as you go. And if the kids want major upgrades, they need to save for it.

The example of your girl wanting a pretty bra and you refusing as 'you don't want her to get used to nice things' is actually quite cruel to read. She is at a milestone age where she is needing clothes relating to body changes and is being restricted, not because you can't afford it but because you don't see why you should.

As others have posted, I can't fathom why two grown ups can make this so difficult for themselves to work through.

This, really.

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2021 10:35

[quote Onlyrainbows]@crimson from next year that will be the joint income. But I still stand that even if we can afford a £40 sweatshirt that doesn't mean I would buy it. I rarely buy anything that's more than £10 for myself although I have to invest in decent clothes for my new job. For the 9yo we usually buy her shoes at Tkmaxx her DM looking boots were like 15 and she's bought a few other decent leather shoes for about 15-20[/quote]
You should still be getting the 9 year olds feet measured and shoes properly fitted imo.

This all sounds so miserable. I'm not saying you need to be profligate but there is no joy in having this kind of income if you are so penny-pinching

Doesntfeellikexmas · 29/12/2021 10:36

@Bluntness100

I’ve genuinely never heard of anyone telling young kids how much they have to spend annually on clothes before, mid ti late teens sure, and done as pocket money but a a 12 year old or a nine year old?

It’s a parents job to clothe their child, growth spurts and wear and tear can’t be predicted. You buy your kids new clothes, underwear and shoes as they need them and within what you can afford, not what rhey can.

Especially presenting this information as exciting news

CharityDingle · 29/12/2021 10:36

@Onlyrainbows

Yes it did at the pub *@charity*

That's great!

Itsalmostanaccessory · 29/12/2021 10:36

@Onlyrainbows

The takeaway is uniforms and essentials should be included and top ups can come from either a) a separate allowance or b) a bigger present budget than their usual £150.

Everyone has told you that uniforms and essentials should not be included. That's for you to buy as that's the minimum you need to provide.

If you give them £200 a year for clothes then that cannot include uniforms and essentials. You need to buy that stuff separately. It isnt a treat. It isnt s choice for them. Its giving them £200 for clothes for the year but telling them that they need to buy all the things they actually have no choice about so they dont really have £200 a year for clothes. Which means your whole thing here has been pointless. Why tell them what they have when they actually have half that once essentials are to be care of.

2022newname · 29/12/2021 10:38

Ah you’re that poster. And yet again your DH has upset you when drinking.
OP, please consider some counselling, you focus on entirely the wrong things.

Original poster

Onlyrainbows · 29/12/2021 10:39

@itsalmost that was a typo it should read the budget shouldn't include

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/12/2021 10:40

Your take home is approx £5000 pcm and you're planning on giving your kids the exciting news that they'll now be the lucky recipients of approx £41 pcm which is to include all clothing they may need for the year.

Can you genuinely not see how strange that is?!

Ourlady · 29/12/2021 10:40

Utterly bizarre.

Hotyogahotchoc · 29/12/2021 10:42

[quote Itsalmostanaccessory]@CharityDingle

What has that got to do with anything? Plenty of people name change and then forget to check when they reply. I'm puzzled as to why you that matter or has anything to do with what the OP is saying?

It sounds like you're trying to catch her out, but nothing she has said is anything to "catch out".[/quote]
I agree

Original poster

Onlyrainbows · 29/12/2021 10:44

It might sound bizarre to you, but these kids haven't had much bought for them beyond what they really really needed (my SKs for most of their life) and my DD for almost 4 years, so saying "looks guys you'll definitely have more freedom" foes sound like a treat to me. My SKs never had their feet measured properly (I don't think anyways) all of their shoes even before I was present have been from Asda, Deichman, etc..

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/12/2021 10:47

Last year I only spent about £80 on clothes for myself. I think my DH was probably something similar but really can't remember, but this year was a very frugal year.

That's your prerogative of course but spending the equivalent of £6 a month on clothing is unusual for an adult who is in employment especially a home that was at the time having a £60k income - and now a £100k one.

It seems unfair to me to base your idea of what's fair for your kids on your own very unusual tendencies when it comes to finances.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 29/12/2021 10:49

As another one with a funny upbringing, I can understand why you're struggling to choose the "right" way.

From the age of 14, I was given £180 a month. I had to pay got everything from that (so clothes including uniform and essentials and toiletries etc) and entertainment with friends etc. It was weird and made me a bit irresponsible with money because I had so much of it. So I struggle with my kids to find the balance of what they need to learn without being over the top or pulling back too far because I want to do the opposite of my parents.

I get it. It's difficult.

I've just decided to go with all essentials come from me and they get pocket money for fun, but with the expectation that they save. Every time they save £100, they get given £10 as a reward. They also need to buy birthday gifts for friends from their money. But that's really all the forward planning I expect from them.

Doesntfeellikexmas · 29/12/2021 10:49

@Onlyrainbows

It might sound bizarre to you, but these kids haven't had much bought for them beyond what they really really needed (my SKs for most of their life) and my DD for almost 4 years, so saying "looks guys you'll definitely have more freedom" foes sound like a treat to me. My SKs never had their feet measured properly (I don't think anyways) all of their shoes even before I was present have been from Asda, Deichman, etc..

Neither parent or you has ever had any of the kids feet measured?

Itsalmostanaccessory · 29/12/2021 10:50

*£280 not £180

BoredZelda · 29/12/2021 10:50

Setting a budget is a good idea, but expecting them to look at an annual budget and for this to include underwear, school uniforms etc is a big ask. If I were to set an annual budget for clothing even I would struggle in January to know what I might need by October.

It would be much better to give them a monthly or quarterly budget and to keep your own slush fund for the kind of ongoing things that come up. I have no idea when my daughter will grow out of her pants and bras.

Howareyouflower · 29/12/2021 11:01

Your method of budgeting seems very alien to me. I had four children and not much money. When they needed anything I worked out how much I could afford for it that month and bought it. If one of them outgrew their shoes more quickly and over the year had an extra pair, it didn't occur to me to think they should have less at Christmas or that the others were owed more. Similarly, though I tried to be fair at Christmas, when they were very young it was more about the size of the presents, so that they looked more or less equal wrapped up. One child might have had a large box of Lego, the other a big truck from a market stall. Both kids were happy, neither thought about the cost.
As for your situation now, if I were you, I would work out roughly how much you need for clothes and uniform, and pay a standing order into a separate account. The same for gifts. Then stop worrying about whether your girl needs bras or your boy needs football boots and whether it's fair. You are parents. You have to provide what they need anyway, a budget is only there to help ensure you have the money when you need it.
Think about it. What are you going to do if your boy has a huge growth spurt (as they do) one year and grows out of all his uniform and shoes twice, as my youngest boy did one year. Are you going to tell him he'll have to manage because he's spent his clothing budget?

NoCrunchyMum · 29/12/2021 11:01

Sounds far too complicated. I could understand it if you were on an incredibly tight budget but £100k!! Ridiculous.

OP hasn't actually addressed anything that has been commented just come back with more bizarre Ifs and buts so not sure what she hopes to get from this post.

CSJobseeker · 29/12/2021 11:02

@Onlyrainbows

It might sound bizarre to you, but these kids haven't had much bought for them beyond what they really really needed (my SKs for most of their life) and my DD for almost 4 years, so saying "looks guys you'll definitely have more freedom" foes sound like a treat to me. My SKs never had their feet measured properly (I don't think anyways) all of their shoes even before I was present have been from Asda, Deichman, etc..

You and your DH have a good income, but have never taken the trouble to ensure that these growing children have shoes that fit properly?

Buying the cheapest of cheap shoes is fine if that the most your budget can stretch to, but you are choosing to scrimp to the detriment of the kids.

icedcoffees · 29/12/2021 11:03

@Onlyrainbows

The takeaway is uniforms and essentials should be included and top ups can come from either a) a separate allowance or b) a bigger present budget than their usual £150.

That's the complete OPPOSITE of what everyone has said

RantyAunty · 29/12/2021 11:04

How much do you spend on alcohol each year?

Flowers500 · 29/12/2021 11:06

You’re joyless and borderline abusive, thank god the man in standing up for his children. You need some serious mental help before you screw these kids up. At least the step kids have one normal family, but sadly for your husband they’re unlikely to stick around for this shitshow. I think if he wants a relationship with them he might have to leave you.

CSJobseeker · 29/12/2021 11:07

I am someone who doesn't buy stuff unless necessary. I make my clothes and furniture last for years, (although I do buy good quality, natural fibres and fabrics that will last), I often buy second hand, and I actively try not to be wasteful in my spending habits.

Even I think you are scrimping unnecessarily to the detriment of these children. You don't even buy good quality essentials for them - you buy the cheapest of the cheap. The idea of deducting the cost of their uniform and cheapo essential clothing from their present budget is just shitty.

Flowers500 · 29/12/2021 11:07

@Onlyrainbows

It might sound bizarre to you, but these kids haven't had much bought for them beyond what they really really needed (my SKs for most of their life) and my DD for almost 4 years, so saying "looks guys you'll definitely have more freedom" foes sound like a treat to me. My SKs never had their feet measured properly (I don't think anyways) all of their shoes even before I was present have been from Asda, Deichman, etc..

So we’ve totally abused our kids for years, now we’re only going to 80% abuse them! They should be thrilled!