To find people who speak very quietly a bit annoying

[Eastie77Returns]

This might be a gripe that’s specific to me but I find it very taxing. I have a friend and colleague who speaks so quietly she is often inaudible. She’s aware of this because so many people ask her to speak up in different contexts (work, ordering in a restaurant, in shops, social events).

There have now been multiple occasions when I’ve given up on a conversation with her because she is speaking in such hushed tones I can’t follow what she is talking about. This has been when walking on a street or in a cafe so normal settings where there is no need to lower your voice. I can’t be bothered to keep asking her to repeat or crane my neck to try and catch her words. Awkwardly she sometimes starts laughing so she’s obviously (quietly) told a joke and I’ve missed. She also whispers whenever she talks about her husband.

Can I ask, if you speak quietly and are frequently told to speak up is there a reason you can’t/won’t? I’m genuinely curious because my friend is able to speak in a ‘normal’ tone at times and is a confident person (so this is not to do with shyness) and she doesn’t have a hearing problem/sensitivity she so I don’t get it.

My OH can communicate v clearly all bloody day on zoom calls and the phone. Then he mutters EVERYTHINg to me, I have to ask him to repeat 80% of comments, I think he may be doing it on purpose ..

Only person I had in my life that did that, did it deliberately so that ppl would have to lean in and pay extra focus to her. She was a complete narcissist and no one would have believed such 'a quiet little thing like her' did the things she did.

I am dyspraxic and rather loud. I know other dyspraxic people and haven't seen a link with being quiet...

My Dsis does this. If everyone else is talking amongst themselves, and she's talking with me her voice will get quieter and quieter. I think it's a passive aggressive thing. And incredibly annoying.

@EssexLioness

Also I would like to add, why is it ok to ask people why they speak so quietly when I wouldn’t dream of asking someone why they are so loud! I think very loud people can be quite rude cos they demand attention and disturb people around them eg drowning out other people’s conversations, but I never challenge people on this. It seems to me a bit like when people feel it’s ok to comment on a skinny person’s size, but if you comment on how fat people are that is rude and body shaming. Seems like shaming people for the way they are often only works one way. Not saying that everyone does this but I have definitely been rudely criticised for my lack of volume

Absolutely! I really struggle with eye contact. I have had people ask me why I wont look them in the eyes... and then they demand that I do (usually seems to be tipsy blokes that tend to do this).

@happychristmasbum

I am dyspraxic and rather loud. I know other dyspraxic people and haven't seen a link with being quiet...

The link is struggling to control the volume - which might lead to either being too loud or too quiet. It's quite common for people with dyspraxia to struggle with various aspects of speech, for example people might mumble/struggle to define words as well, or struggle to order sentences well.

@XenoBitch sorry you get this. I used to find eye contact impossible when younger and got this a lot. I have trained myself to do it more but still uncomfortable. There is a distinct lack of tolerance from some people of those that are different from them and treat such differences as an inconvenience or slight on them personally instead of acknowledging how difficult it may be for the other person

@EssexLioness I am sorry you struggle with this. If talking at a normal volume hurts your throat you would benefit from a few speech therapy lessons. Talking at a normal volume should not hurt.
I used to find singing hurt my throat after one song. After a singing lesson, it went because I unknowingly had a breathing technique that strained my voice when I sang. After that, I could sing for an hour with no issues.

I used to work with someone who would speak very, very quietly from time to time. Most of the time he spoke at normal level, but he would go through periods of mumbling very quietly. He was a strange man in many ways and we came to the conclusion that it was for him a control thing, to make us all focus on him (we didn't conclude this just because of the level of his voice, there were many other things he did as well). We tried to listen move closely, ask him to repeat, but he spoke so quietly it just wasn't possible to hear what he was saying.

I have dyspraxia and find volume control difficult. But I have let all the comments about how this is annoying, attention-seeking, etc wash over me.

I'm often asked to speak up if in a conversation and I've spoken quietly. It's just my natural way of talking, I don't think about it.

I am a teacher however so I do project my voice appropriately at work.

I too cannot stand overly loud voices. I think it's often attention seeking or people feeling the need to fill a silence.

I think I used to be a quiet speaker, people used to ask me to repeat a lot. I thought it was their hearing that was the problem! Don't know what got me out of it but nowadays I'm not asked to repeat anything anymore so I assume my volume is ok.

Confidence might be a factor, I had social anxiety so didn't like people paying attention to me even when I was talking. Of course some people just have quiet voices. I tend to just nod and smile and move on if I can't hear what they're saying and they're not adjusting their volume when asked.

Yep. Really irritating!

@Siuan

I'm a bit deaf and wear hearing aids so I'm used to asking people to repeat themselves but there is one who speaks so softly that no-one hears her. people who speak very, very slowly with long pauses This is DBIL who is an academic and I always imagine he is used to people listening in hushed awe.

I think that’s just your BIL! I’m also an academic, and we have to be able to project reliably in lecture theatres with a couple of hundred students and unreliable microphones, and I can assure you that being softly-spoken with lengthy pauses in meetings would be career suicide. I’ve been in academia for 25 years and I don’t think anyone’s ever listen to me with ‘hushed awe’.

If your DBIL teaches undergraduates they probably have a nickname for him, like the Whisperer, or Dr Shouty or something. I know when I was one we used to run a bet on how often one of our lecturers would say ‘ok’ in a lecture. (78.)

I speak quietly, I have to really focus on projecting my voice when I need to, which requires concentration and effort. Kind of like someone asking you to change your blinking pattern I guess, after a while it's exhausting.

As other people have said, I find loud voices hard to deal with at times. But such is life? If you were walking along a street with someone and they walked far slower than you would you find that just as annoying? A little tolerance goes a long way surely.

I have autistic traits, never been diagnosed and never mentioned it to anyone, I'm in my 40s. It's very easy to assume someone has no reason to be the way they are, and to get frustrated by that. But you never really know do you.

I hate loud people. I prefer quiet but what I really like is normal volume people. Spot on that.

@EssexLioness

Also I would like to add, why is it ok to ask people why they speak so quietly when I wouldn’t dream of asking someone why they are so loud! I think very loud people can be quite rude cos they demand attention and disturb people around them eg drowning out other people’s conversations, but I never challenge people on this. It seems to me a bit like when people feel it’s ok to comment on a skinny person’s size, but if you comment on how fat people are that is rude and body shaming. Seems like shaming people for the way they are often only works one way. Not saying that everyone does this but I have definitely been rudely criticised for my lack of volume

I think it’s ok to ask loud people the same question. I suspect you’ll get similar answers;

-loud boisterous family growing up
-trained to project their sound
-natural tenor and timbre of their voice
-Hearing loss
-situational reasons (used to working in loud places, lots of background noise, etc.)

I’ve noticed some loud people are actually no louder than anyone else but their deep voice just carries more than others.

I think the big difference is that you can hear loud talkers, whereas mumblers and whisperers you have no chance of communicating with. I’d take a loud person over a quiet one any day. It’s not as exhausting or as much work to communicate with.

@WhatTheFuckingFuck123

I'm the opposite, can't stand loud people 🤣

Yes I'm quite sensitive to sound literally can't concentrate if someone is being loud.

I used to have a short male colleague that would deliberate talk slightly above a whisper. I swear it was a way of getting attention - so we all had to lean in and pay attention to what he was saying. He was a total prick.

Most loud people if you ask them to speak quieter, do so.

@RoyalFamilyFan thank you, I have never even considered adult speech therapy!

yes its annoying and masks make it worse. If you have a mask on you also need to speak normally louder than you would do.