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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find people who speak very quietly a bit annoying

172 replies

Eastie77Returns · 28/12/2021 13:41

This might be a gripe that’s specific to me but I find it very taxing. I have a friend and colleague who speaks so quietly she is often inaudible. She’s aware of this because so many people ask her to speak up in different contexts (work, ordering in a restaurant, in shops, social events).

There have now been multiple occasions when I’ve given up on a conversation with her because she is speaking in such hushed tones I can’t follow what she is talking about. This has been when walking on a street or in a cafe so normal settings where there is no need to lower your voice. I can’t be bothered to keep asking her to repeat or crane my neck to try and catch her words. Awkwardly she sometimes starts laughing so she’s obviously (quietly) told a joke and I’ve missed. She also whispers whenever she talks about her husband.

Can I ask, if you speak quietly and are frequently told to speak up is there a reason you can’t/won’t? I’m genuinely curious because my friend is able to speak in a ‘normal’ tone at times and is a confident person (so this is not to do with shyness) and she doesn’t have a hearing problem/sensitivity she so I don’t get it.

OP posts:

trappedsincesundaymorn · 28/12/2021 15:43

Sorry if this is offensive but isn't the slow speech meant to facilitate lip reading?

No that's a common misconception amongst hearing people. It would be like someone talking to you using veeeerrrrryyyyloooooonnnnggggwooooooorddddddsssswiiiiitttthhhnooooogaaaaaaapppppbeeeeetwweeeeennntheteeemmmm. See how hard it is. Speaking clearly with a natural rhythm is always better.

SVRT19674 · 28/12/2021 15:43

A friend of a friend was like this. We were in our 20s. I always considered it attention seeking. It pissed me off so much I just switched off when she was talking in the end.

Siuan · 28/12/2021 15:44

I'm a bit deaf and wear hearing aids so I'm used to asking people to repeat themselves but there is one who speaks so softly that no-one hears her.
people who speak very, very slowly with long pauses This is DBIL who is an academic and I always imagine he is used to people listening in hushed awe.

Nixbox · 28/12/2021 15:46

@pigsDOfly DH does this, just repeats himself more slowly. If I have to ask him to repeat himself again, he does so but now with a sarcastic tone. This is generally followed by me shouting that I don't have a problem understanding him, but a problem hearing him
It drives me mad. It's usually when he is shouting up or downstairs to me, or when I'm in the shower etc.
He also does it when DC don't understand something he has asked them to do - rather than rephrase his request, he just says it slower and slower...
He is a loud person in general but sometimes not loud enough.

pigsDOfly · 28/12/2021 15:46

Sorry if this is offensive but isn't the slow speech meant to facilitate lip reading?

No it's not offensive.

That doesn't really work if the speaker is wearing a mask.

And no, if you're speaking to someone who can lip read, which I can't, it's far better to speak normally rather than dragging out what you're saying with slow speech or exaggerated lip movements.

SpudleyLass · 28/12/2021 15:49

Another quieter speaker here.

Definitely not doing it on purpose - certainly not for attention or control, that is sheer cobblers.

Its just how I talk and the vast majority of people can understand me just fine.

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 15:50

It seems most quiet speakers here dont want to do anything to change this. That is their choice. It just confirms my policy of not trying too hard with consistently quiet speakers.

bordermidgebite · 28/12/2021 15:55

Well I guess you are expecting the quiet speakers to change rather than change yourself and for example learn to lip read or get a hearing aid

thefourgp · 28/12/2021 15:55

My mum has a friend like this and it’s frustrating speaking with her. I’ve heard mutual friends/family comment on it too. I can be standing right beside her with no surrounding noises and I can’t hear what she’s saying. I always ask her to repeat herself twice then give up because she doesn’t repeat what she’s said any louder. She lacks confidence and is very timid. At house parties she often sits mute most of the night unless talking to someone one on one, and while she’s a perfectly nice person, she’s not much fun. I would never ignore or mock her though.

Sweatilicious · 28/12/2021 15:56

DH is always moaning at me to speak up, but I don't think I'm all that quiet. I do try to raise my voice so he can hear me but I find it physically difficult to do so. I just can't project any further.

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 15:57

@bordermidgebite

Well I guess you are expecting the quiet speakers to change rather than change yourself and for example learn to lip read or get a hearing aid

I don't need a hearing aid.

bordermidgebite · 28/12/2021 15:58

So says my mother

Change yourself not others

TractorAndHeadphones · 28/12/2021 16:08

@bordermidgebite

So says my mother

Change yourself not others

If several ‘others’ are saying the same thing then you need to consider that ‘you’ are the problem.

Again the one who loses out is the quiet speaker. People will just avoid talking to them.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/12/2021 16:09

I'm a bit deaf and wear hearing aids so I'm used to asking people to repeat themselves but there is one who speaks so softly that no-one hears her.

What's that old saying about those who never read being in no better a position than those who cannot read?

Why would you actively decide to effectively forego a basic, important human function, even though you have the ability to use it? Unless she has a genuine medical issue with her larynx, of course. Assuming she has two healthy legs, would she choose never to do or fetch anything that's 10 yards' walk away either?

queenMab99 · 28/12/2021 16:09

I am slightly deaf, enough to wear hearing aids, which help a lot. However sometimes I have to ask friends or colleagues to repeat something, which often causes them to shout, or say loudly, 'have you not got your hearing aids in?' I find this very uncomfortable and embarrassing. I think it is because I wasn't deaf when younger, as I also find them very rude about my mobility problems, which have started in the last 5 years or so, putting my stick out of reach because it is in the way when we are sitting in a pub or cafe. It has made me cautious about socialising with them, as I often feel I can't be bothered with them, as they seem so thoughtless.

3scape · 28/12/2021 16:11

I have a very slight speech impediment. After years and years i do talk more quietly than some, because I'm self conscious. I do think a lot of quieter people result from confidence or being directly insulted or curtailed when younger. Unfortunately drawing attention to it tends to make it worse.

eagerlywaitingfor · 28/12/2021 16:11

Sometimes loud people just need to shut the fuck up and listen for once.

TractorAndHeadphones · 28/12/2021 16:11

@SpudleyLass

Another quieter speaker here.

Definitely not doing it on purpose - certainly not for attention or control, that is sheer cobblers.

Its just how I talk and the vast majority of people can understand me just fine.

If most people can understand you then this thread is not about you. It is about people who are unintelligible to the ‘vast majority’.

Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 28/12/2021 16:12

@WildMaryBerriesWithBrandyCream

One technique that has had good effects is to reply in a similarly low volume- deliberately- so that she strains to hear you. (The natural response to someone speaking too quietly is to raise your own voice 😁)

@WildMaryBerriesWithBrandyCream I’ve never thought of doing this, I’ll give it a try!

OP posts:

belimoo · 28/12/2021 16:18

@eagerlywaitingfor

There are some really horrible people on this thread.

YouPutTheScrewInTheTuna · 28/12/2021 16:20

Can't tell you how frustrating it is as a Retail worker, behind a screen and a mask asking people to provide you with a few numbers and a surname when they whisper!! I've had to actually say mulitple times (including once today) "Please can you shout/write it down as I can not hear you" its embarrassing for all involved tbh.

StoneofDestiny · 28/12/2021 16:31

No point speaking if your intended audience cannot hear you!

Outrageous behaviour to speak so loud that people who are not your intended audience are forced to hear you.

CounsellorTroi · 28/12/2021 16:31

@eagerlywaitingfor

Sometimes loud people just need to shut the fuck up and listen for once.

Not all people who struggle to hear very quiet speakers are loud themselves you know. I’m not. I just speak at a normal volume.

LuluBlakey1 · 28/12/2021 16:34

@eagerlywaitingfor

Sometimes loud people just need to shut the fuck up and listen for once.

This ^^ I can not bear people who do things loudly - apart from my DC

GrannytoaUnicorn · 28/12/2021 16:40

@TurquoiseDress

Do you need your hearing tested to check all ok?

OP has quite clearly said that almost everyone this friend meets has asked her to speak up......

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