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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find people who speak very quietly a bit annoying

172 replies

Eastie77Returns · 28/12/2021 13:41

This might be a gripe that’s specific to me but I find it very taxing. I have a friend and colleague who speaks so quietly she is often inaudible. She’s aware of this because so many people ask her to speak up in different contexts (work, ordering in a restaurant, in shops, social events).

There have now been multiple occasions when I’ve given up on a conversation with her because she is speaking in such hushed tones I can’t follow what she is talking about. This has been when walking on a street or in a cafe so normal settings where there is no need to lower your voice. I can’t be bothered to keep asking her to repeat or crane my neck to try and catch her words. Awkwardly she sometimes starts laughing so she’s obviously (quietly) told a joke and I’ve missed. She also whispers whenever she talks about her husband. Confused

Can I ask, if you speak quietly and are frequently told to speak up is there a reason you can’t/won’t? I’m genuinely curious because my friend is able to speak in a ‘normal’ tone at times and is a confident person (so this is not to do with shyness) and she doesn’t have a hearing problem/sensitivity she so I don’t get it.

OP posts:
whitewashing · 28/12/2021 16:42

But there’s a middle ground. People aren’t very quiet or very loud…

bananaboats · 28/12/2021 16:44

This annoys me too, my hearing is not 100% and if someone is speaking too quietly or mumbling I really struggle to understand them.

Siuan · 28/12/2021 17:01

One technique that has had good effects is to reply in a similarly low volume- deliberately- so that she strains to hear you. (The natural response to someone speaking too quietly is to raise your own voice)

Good idea.
I used to work in a public facing role where there was often abuse directed at staff. Lowering your voice when someone is yelling at you can be quite effective.

deadlanguage · 28/12/2021 17:08

YABU, I wish most people were quieter! I have dyspraxia and struggle to control the volume of my voice, I am usually quiet. It takes a lot of concentration for me to speak louder, your friend might be the same.

Morgoth · 28/12/2021 17:13

Completely agree with you OP! The straining is exhausting. I like the suggestion from a previous poster who suggested lowering your voice volume in return to match their inaudible level so they hopefully can see how impossible it is to be heard. Nobody here is complaining about quiet, introverted or softly spoken people so I’m not sure why that’s being brought up by posters on here. OP is referring to people that are inaudible or incoherent to people with average hearing and most likely to people with superhuman hearing as well. This isn’t just someone who has a quieter tone or manner about them or is softly spoken, it’s someone who can’t be heard by almost anyone.

You don’t have to be “loud” or “bellowy” to be heard by a person of average hearing. That’s not the alternative to being inaudible. Most people speak at a normal volume and adjust their volume and projection based on the social setting and background noise. Most people understand they have to speak above their average volume if conversing in a busy bar cafe or at a heavy metal gig or walking down the street with a friend when not facing each other, and conversely understand that they have to speak below their average volume if conversing at a funeral or at a Dr surgery or in a very intimate setting for example. It’s something most people do organically.

Youdoyoutoday · 28/12/2021 17:17

I hate loudness but my DP is naturally quiet talker and I have to tell him that I can't hear him over the hustle of 2 kids, the kettle boiling, the tap running, the washing machine etc! Urgh!! Speak up!! Plus I'm sure I have some sort of hearing problem from working behind bars for years.

If she doing it on purpose, then that would be even more irritating!

TheAnswerIsDontThinkAboutIt · 28/12/2021 17:29

She's a [ low talker]] !

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 17:43

People are saying it takes a lot of concentration to speak louder. But you do understand if you don't, then those who can't hear you properly will just give up?

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 17:44

Its also interesting what people say about others being too loud. I think when people are very quiet and inaudible, I raise my voice without thinking about it. So I suspect many people are too loud with you in response to you being too quiet.

bedheadedzombie · 28/12/2021 17:45

A couple of years ago I ditched a friend because meeting up with her was just too exhausting for me because of her quiet mumbling. She also complained about having trouble making friends so I did bring it up but nothing changed. Nice enough person (I think) but if you can't have a conversation without every sentence needing to be repeated thrice then it's just never fun to meet up and you'll never get to know them better.

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 17:47

@TheAnswerIsDontThinkAboutIt

She's a [ low talker]] !
Oh God! That is exactly what it is like. It is painful.
RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 17:49

@queenMab99

I am slightly deaf, enough to wear hearing aids, which help a lot. However sometimes I have to ask friends or colleagues to repeat something, which often causes them to shout, or say loudly, 'have you not got your hearing aids in?' I find this very uncomfortable and embarrassing. I think it is because I wasn't deaf when younger, as I also find them very rude about my mobility problems, which have started in the last 5 years or so, putting my stick out of reach because it is in the way when we are sitting in a pub or cafe. It has made me cautious about socialising with them, as I often feel I can't be bothered with them, as they seem so thoughtless.
I am so sorry your friends are so thoughtless.
MaryBellingham11432 · 28/12/2021 17:57

@RoyalFamilyFan

Its also interesting what people say about others being too loud. I think when people are very quiet and inaudible, I raise my voice without thinking about it. So I suspect many people are too loud with you in response to you being too quiet.
That works both ways
Original poster
Eastie77Returns · 28/12/2021 18:06

@StoneofDestiny

No point speaking if your intended audience cannot hear you!

Outrageous behaviour to speak so loud that people who are not your intended audience are forced to hear you.

Agree with this!

I’m sorry there are quiet speakers who are upset. I didn’t post with the aim of leading some kind of witch hunt against people who speak in a low voice but it is annoying, sorry. There are are loud speakers on this thread who have acknowledged that their voices must cause irritation so I think quiet speakers should be equally aware.

It is honestly tiresome (for me anyway) to have to constantly ask this friend and colleague to repeat herself. I’m genuinely confused as to why she continues to mumble incoherently or whisper when she is repeatedly asked to speak up in everyday situations. She is able to speak in a perfectly normal tone on occasion but her default seems to be this annoying low voice. She sometimes makes a comment in a meeting and ends up chuckling to herself as no-one else heard it, so awkward.

OP posts:
bordermidgebite · 28/12/2021 18:08

Have you asked your friend ?

Original poster
Eastie77Returns · 28/12/2021 18:17

@bordermidgebite

Have you asked your friend ?
Yes, many times. She giggles and says it’s just the way she speaks.
OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 28/12/2021 18:20

And with regard to it being a shyness/lack of confidence thing I don’t think it is in many cases. I’m shy and not very confident but it doesn’t stop me speaking at a normal audible level when I do speak.

Eddielzzard · 28/12/2021 18:26

I agree. I had a friend who spoke like this, eventually let the friendship fizzle away because I just couldn't hear what she was saying. It was so embarrassing as I had to keep asking her to repeat herself. I ended up just guessing most of it and trying to figure out when she was being earnest and ask her to repeat just that bit - it would turn out to be about her vacuum cleaner or something equally vacuous. Excruciating. Way too much hard work.

ALongHardWinter · 28/12/2021 18:38

I hate this too. As a previous poster pointed out, speaking at an audible level doesn't necessarily mean being loud. I'm one of these people who has difficulty hearing someone speaking if there is a lot of background noise going on,e.g. on a noisy bus or in a restaurant. I know a couple of people who naturally speak very quietly and I dread bumping into them in a noisy place as I'm either constantly saying 'Sorry,can you repeat that' or just missing half of what they say. It gets embarrassing when you have to ask them to repeat every other thing they say.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/12/2021 18:49

Baffling as to why people would value what they have to say as of so little importance that they don't actually care that nobody can hear them saying it.

It's the equivalent of routinely typing out lengthy, detailed, carefully-thought-out emails and then, when you're finished and completely happy with what you've written, pressing 'delete' instead of 'send'.

As an analogy, pop stars from Europe and across the world routinely sing in English, instead of in their own native languages, in order to boost their potential audience from maybe tens of millions to hundreds of millions; and yet, at the other end of the spectrum, some people don't even bother to raise their voices a little to increase the number of people who can actually hear them from zero!!

WhoKnew19 · 28/12/2021 19:27

I am told I am quietly spoken and I do have to make a massive effort to raise the volume of my voice. To answer the OP's question, I think it is probably partly genetic, my mum, sister and maternal grandparents were all quietly spoken, but could hear each other perfectly well. I think it is also upbringing. DSis and I were very much raised in a 'children should be seen and not heard' environment and feminism would have been an alien concept in our house! To this day I hate being the centre of attention in any way, I feel very uncomfortable and go very hot.
Those are probably my reasons, but I do make a real effort to increase volume when speaking. It feels to me as though I am shouting though!
Apologies to all those it annoys, I will continue to make an effort.

deadlanguage · 28/12/2021 19:34

@RoyalFamilyFan

People are saying it takes a lot of concentration to speak louder. But you do understand if you don't, then those who can't hear you properly will just give up?
If people want to stop talking to me because of my disability (dyspraxia) that is their prerogative.
EssexLioness · 28/12/2021 20:00

I think loud people are much more annoying in general.

I am a quiet speaker. It is not fun. People don’t always hear me and even if they could they often don’t make the effort too so I feel ignored and pushed out. I used to be even quieter due to a lack of confidence brought about by an abusive childhood, and then abusive marriage. However, there is also a physical limitation as when I try to speak louder it actually hurts my throat. I feel my vocal chords pulling under the strain and is really painful. So to avoid ‘annoying’ other people, or for them to not dismiss me and walk away I actually have to be in pain. I will often have a sore throat for the rest of the evening. I do speak up for people when needed eg hearing issues. I also have issues with hearing loss myself so I know how frustrating it can be. I don’t begrudge this at all, however I can feel quite sad sometimes if people deliberately ignore me or tell me off for speaking quietly as though I am an annoyance. I think some people think it is a choice to speak the way I do, but this is my natural volume and it is difficult for me to alter this, and when I do it can only ever be short lived

EssexLioness · 28/12/2021 20:02

@deadlanguage I also have dyspraxia and had no idea the two were linked. I am also autistic and I know in females a quiet voice is a common trait so again this is linked to my disability. It is a shame these things aren’t understood better

EssexLioness · 28/12/2021 20:06

Also I would like to add, why is it ok to ask people why they speak so quietly when I wouldn’t dream of asking someone why they are so loud! I think very loud people can be quite rude cos they demand attention and disturb people around them eg drowning out other people’s conversations, but I never challenge people on this. It seems to me a bit like when people feel it’s ok to comment on a skinny person’s size, but if you comment on how fat people are that is rude and body shaming. Seems like shaming people for the way they are often only works one way. Not saying that everyone does this but I have definitely been rudely criticised for my lack of volume