Caused upset!

[Mellowyellow222]

We had a family gathering on Boxing Day.

We have a cousin who has recently reconnected with the family. He is my mums cousin, and we don’t really know him. This was the first time meeting his wife. They are in their early sixties and have recently married.

He introduced himself to my two nieces as their uncle Fred, and couple used the term aunt and uncle repeatedly to all the children there. They hadn’t met any of the children before so didn’t know their names - or if they were even in the family. One Niece asked me quietly afterwards who he was and if he was really her uncle.

I explained that he was a type of cousin so no not really an uncle but some people use that term for wider family members - we don’t in our family and only parents siblings are called aunt and uncle. But I explained he was just being friendly.

This mans wife overheard and they have now made a big deal about not be made to feel welcome and how we don’t accept them as family? My parents think I should apologise.

This is bonkers right? He isn’t her uncle - how else was I supposed to explain this? I am not sure what I am apologising for so I have refused.

She's bonkers...

Your explanation was not bonkers.

They might be.

Well, that has made it easier to decide how much contact you want to have with them.

You weren't out of order, her reaction was really weird!

A 'type' of cousin?

I'm wondering if she picked up on a tone that you didn't mean to convey?

Either way I wouldn't apologise for being factual. I might explain exactly what I meant though.

I thought it was weird too. Apparently I embarrassed her by saying we don’t do it in our family.

Then he has complained to my parents that I did it on purpose to highlight they aren’t part of family?

I just find the whole thing really odd so I am going to ignore it.

By type of coursing I meant he isn’t a first cousin. But yes maybe I should be have said that.

I was trying to explain how a man in his sixties could be her cousin. I should have just said he’s your granny’s cousin.

Your explanation was kind and tactful and clear, don't worry about that.

Sounds a bit odd if they've just reconnected (and they're quite distant cousins, not long lost siblings or children) yet they're being pretty familiar quickly, and then causing a row when your family's norms don't allow this unquestioningly. I'd be a bit wary of them- not saying con artists or anything necessarily, just could be the types of people who habitually try and cause havoc. I have a distant cousin who attempted this kind of thing. We all gave that behaviour pretty short shrift.

I think your explanation was good! You could have just dismissed the child and said yes you have a new auntie and uncle but you took time to explain.

I get a bit creeped out when adults are referred to as 'uncles/aunties' when they quite clearly are not. Its too familiar for my liking and gives them too much authority over young children.

I wouldn't worry about it. What you told your dc was factual.
For context I do call my mum's cousin Uncle and my cousins kids call me Auntie but as you said all familes are different. We are close knit although spread out geographically and this is something done from babies.
A distant cousin turning up now and calling themselves Aunt or Uncle.....maybe not.

They were being very over familiar with everyone - I think my niece was confused. It was almost like he was my long lost brother rather than my mums cousin.

I suppose if I am honest I was trying to out a distance between us - I found it all quite uncomfortable. Maybe the wife picked up on that.

He sounds like really hard work and you were just protecting your child's boundaries. You were absolutely right to challenge the idea that a previously unknown male relative is suddenly in a trusted adult role. Nothing he's said or done sounds endearing or measured.

Does he have something to feel guilty about? Is it a difficult reconnection with the family? Whatever tho, that's a total over reaction - you did absolutely nothing wrong!
I'm an only child from a single mother - due to the help she needed balancing me and work when I was little, I have a lot of 'aunties' - mums friends or cousins that helped her care for me. My daughter has 'aunties' - my friends, cousins as I have no sisters. I always knew the difference between my 'real' aunties and the others, and so will my daughter - and it won't be a big deal surprisingly 🤣😆
Total pettiness on their part, don't waste your breath apologising 🙌🏻

They sound too full on

I do t think there is anything to feel guilty about.

I am sure it was awkward for them - and I think maybe he had pretended to her that he is closer it is than the reality. My parents hadn’t seen him in thirty years and the only connection was Christmas cards and the odd phone call.

I don’t know him well enough to know if he is always like this. But he was showing off the the new wife - but getting our names wrong etc.

It just made me uncomfortable so I wanted the children to understand he wasn’t a long lost uncle that has been kept a secret from them. That would make him my mums child! Which he absolutely 100% isn’t!

We have similar. I don't call my mums cousins auntie/ uncle but we do all go out of our way to refer to each other as 'cuz' we go third and fourth cousin deep.

My young cousin was asking me the other day who some woman was they added him on Facebook- he hadn't realised it was our shared grandmothers half sister

They both sound pretty awful. Thank you for being honest and courteous with your daughter about the truth of the matter.

I’m worried about your parents saying you should apologise. Being pushed into the child role of “apologise to your nice uncle and auntie for being rude”. Fuck that. These guys have only just re entered the family circle and have already created upset and discord.

Sorry - your niece not daughter. Must learn to read.

I reconnected with a cousin at my Aunt's funeral. I hadn't seen him for 30 years but he was very friendly & welcoming. We've stayed in touch but he would just NEVER call himself an 'uncle' to my dc.
It all seems very over the top especially the wife's reaction. I don't think you did anything wrong & explained very clearly to your dd who sounds like she was confused.
Odd behaviour from them all round, I definitely wouldn't apologise!

I had wondered if it was a cultural issue. She is from Wales - we are in Ireland.

But manners are universal and it seems odd to create such a fuss over such a little thing the first time you meet people.

It was probably unkind of you to say you "don't do that in your family" in front of her. That would have made her feel unwelcome... and probably quite uncomfortable, in a room full of people she didn't know, when she was a guest.

@BeyondMyWits

It was probably unkind of you to say you "don't do that in your family" in front of her. That would have made her feel unwelcome... and probably quite uncomfortable, in a room full of people she didn't know, when she was a guest.

I honestly didn’t know she had heard me. My niece pulled me aside on the upstairs landing. This lady may have come upstairs to find a loo.

I was trying to explain that for other families it would be normal for uncle and aunt to be used for other people. And this man is her granny’s cousin so not strictly speaking her uncle. There would be adults in the family who she is much slower to - my cousins and my great aunts and uncles who don’t use the title. She was confused and I was trying to explain it.

Had she asked info the room I may have chosen different words. But I probably wouldn’t have explained it fully about for her to understand.

Closer now slower!

I'd ask the person asking you to apologise to clarify that

"You want me to apologise for saying he's a cousin (truth), not an uncle in the sense niece understands (truth), and some families use aunt and uncle for elder relatives - but we generally don't (truth)"

Did anyone think to explain to the children who they'd be meeting beforehand rather than present them with 2 strangers?