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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Caused upset!

137 replies

Mellowyellow222 · 28/12/2021 12:52

We had a family gathering on Boxing Day.

We have a cousin who has recently reconnected with the family. He is my mums cousin, and we don’t really know him. This was the first time meeting his wife. They are in their early sixties and have recently married.

He introduced himself to my two nieces as their uncle Fred, and couple used the term aunt and uncle repeatedly to all the children there. They hadn’t met any of the children before so didn’t know their names - or if they were even in the family. One Niece asked me quietly afterwards who he was and if he was really her uncle.

I explained that he was a type of cousin so no not really an uncle but some people use that term for wider family members - we don’t in our family and only parents siblings are called aunt and uncle. But I explained he was just being friendly.

This mans wife overheard and they have now made a big deal about not be made to feel welcome and how we don’t accept them as family? My parents think I should apologise.

This is bonkers right? He isn’t her uncle - how else was I supposed to explain this? I am not sure what I am apologising for so I have refused.

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 28/12/2021 17:07

Your explanation to your daughter was absolutely fine.

You hardly know these people and it's really not their place to tell you what you can and can't say to your children.

I'd keep your distance because soneone who overstep boundaries on the first occasion you meet them really isn't going to become any easier to get along with.

Monkeymilkshake · 28/12/2021 17:08

What a pair of buffoons!

audweb · 28/12/2021 17:13

As a kid growing up in Scotland all random relatives plus friends of parents were known as aunty and uncle. I’d have no issue with it, it’s just a formal (ish) term for older people in extended family

godmum56 · 28/12/2021 17:39

[quote TroublesomeTrucks]@godmum56 I am white British[/quote]
that's why i said family/culture....also culture doesn't always refer to ethnicity. I am a Londoner by birth, southerner by residence and my culture is very different from my friend who is also white british and who was born and lives in Yorkshire.

MzHz · 28/12/2021 17:43

I’d be very wary, the over familiarity is scary with regards to young children

Next year when your parents ask if you’re coming for Christmas it’s a lot simpler:

“Are uncle and aunty batshit- weirdo coming”
Yes? “No I’ll pass…”

CoedenNadolig · 28/12/2021 17:43

Welsh here, every older person sometimes not even blood related but close family friends can be referred to as "aunty Jane from number 17" or "Uncle Jim, grandad friends"

But that's accepted. Like you said it's not done in your family so it was a tactful and easy way to explain to young children. I don't think you did anything wrong. I'd ignore it and move on.

mellicauli · 28/12/2021 17:44

I agree with @shedmistress: it's creepy. Please don't apologise.

Why are they so insistent that they get the honorary auntie/uncle label on the first time of meeting?

Why was it so important to them that they caused a fuss about it?

Why did they not take it up with you directly but talked to your parents?

ShinyHappyPoster · 28/12/2021 17:48

You say you wouldn't have given the explanation that you did, if you were in the room with them. That implies you know what you said was a bit rude/blunt/hurtful.
Plus it's not really about the 'uncle'. It's about the fact your mum reconnected with a distant family member and your mum wants you to apologise.
I'm not sure what the benefit is, of digging your heels in unless you don't think your mum should have reconnected with this person and you're trying to prove a point. Because being overheard saying something that you wouldn't say in public, is usually a good enough reason to apologise without the added issue of the family reconnecting.

StormyCornishSeas · 28/12/2021 18:30

Yanbu
I come from a family with loads of 2nd & 3rd cousins. Never have they been referred to as uncle Fred auntie Jane. Just fred, Jane etc.

Only parents direct siblings get called Auntie or Uncle

ShowMeTheSugar · 28/12/2021 18:33

I wouldn't apologise. What you said was factual and as long as it was said kindly then there's no reason to.

There's definitely something odd about their behaviour and I wouldn't start a relationship pandering to them.

Original poster
Mellowyellow222 · 28/12/2021 18:37

@ShinyHappyPoster

You say you wouldn't have given the explanation that you did, if you were in the room with them. That implies you know what you said was a bit rude/blunt/hurtful. Plus it's not really about the 'uncle'. It's about the fact your mum reconnected with a distant family member and your mum wants you to apologise. I'm not sure what the benefit is, of digging your heels in unless you don't think your mum should have reconnected with this person and you're trying to prove a point. Because being overheard saying something that you wouldn't say in public, is usually a good enough reason to apologise without the added issue of the family reconnecting.
I wouldn’t have gone into as much detail had it been in the room infront of them.

But I would have clarified that he was my mums cousin and she was his wife. Therefore they were cousins. My who’ve was confused and I do think it’s important to be honest a precise with children: they only have one aunt - me and one uncle - their dads brother. It’s a big extended family but no one else is called aunt and uncle. So i do think it was important to explain this

Yes I suppose I didn’t really warm to them. But we won’t see them often - maybe once a year and my mum is free to be friendly with who she wants.

OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 28/12/2021 18:42

Makes you wonder why he’s been ‘unconnected’ with the family for so long.

Original poster
Mellowyellow222 · 28/12/2021 18:45

Actually I have just spoken to another relative - they were corrected to their face by someone else.

A small child became confused because the wife has the same name as their actual aunt. So when she said I am auntie X the child said no you aren’t. So they were asked not to use the title as it confusing the child. Another row!

We just aren’t a family who does this.

OP posts:
StormyCornishSeas · 28/12/2021 19:02

@Mellowyellow222

Actually I have just spoken to another relative - they were corrected to their face by someone else.

A small child became confused because the wife has the same name as their actual aunt. So when she said I am auntie X the child said no you aren’t. So they were asked not to use the title as it confusing the child. Another row!

We just aren’t a family who does this.

Oh no op! That's awful the poor child

The cousins need to be told this isnt how we do things. And sooner rather than later. They can like it or go back into obscurity. Who /why have they come back into the family fold? Sorry if this was already mentioned

honeyrider · 28/12/2021 19:19

[quote IrishMama2015]@Cocomarine really, in Ireland? Maybe a regional thing then. I'm way way rural South, (falling off the end!) and would not be the done thing here [/quote]
I'm in Ireland in a City but I'm from another region of the country and it's not the done thing to call people aunt or uncle unless they're a person's actual aunt or uncle or spouse of said aunt or uncle.

I wonder what caused the distance in the first place, they sound like head wrecks who are going to continue to cause upset. Their type don't change.

BoredZelda · 28/12/2021 19:39

In my family we called my mum's cousins uncle, and their wives auntie. They were the next generation up from us, and it was an accepted thing. Strictly speaking they were my first cousins once removed, but a 6 year old calling a 40 something year old by their christian name alone just wasn't the done thing in the 1960s.

Same here. I have 8 “proper” aunties and uncles, but about a dozen other aunties and uncles, some of whom are family friends, no relation at all.

My best friend, and my sister’s best friend are “auntie” to my daughter.

tobedtoMN · 28/12/2021 19:57

Reading your OP up until the 'cousin earwigging malarkey' I was thinking red flags like bunting. Why are these people suddenly all over all the children of the family?!
Gone are the days where any adult is allowed unfettered access to children and gifted an honorary respectable title to boot. YANBU.

Georgeskitchen · 28/12/2021 20:37

You absolutely should not apologise. Expecting children to call strangers auntie and uncle?
I don't think so!!

ShinyHappyPoster · 28/12/2021 21:22

Our family is a mix of Scottish and Irish and yy we have lots of 'aunts' and 'uncles' who are actually 2nd cousins or cousins twice removed or parents' friends. DH is from a different culture but all their parents' friends are called 'auntie' or 'uncle' too. In DH's culture it would be seen as very rude to refuse to call them that.

BridStar · 28/12/2021 21:25

Honestly they sound creepy. Just because you've found you're fourth cousins on Ancestry doesn't mean you can rock up to family parties and get the kids to call you Uncle. Is he trying to wheedle his way into someone's will?

Original poster
Mellowyellow222 · 28/12/2021 21:30

@StormyCornishSeas there was no upset at fall out that I am aware of.

His family moved away when he was a child. His parents died many years ago and my mum and her siblings didn’t stay very close to this man. He is the only cousin of my mums that I have ever met.

He moved back to the area last year so my uncle invited him round at Christmas.

As far as I am Aware there is nothing more to the story than that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mellowyellow222 · 28/12/2021 21:32

@birdstar I don’t really think it’s about money. I suppose my family would be more wealthy than him (from what he said he hasn’t had much luck with employment).

But I doubt he could have any expectations after all this time. People don’t tend to leave money to cousins

OP posts:
ShinyHappyPoster · 28/12/2021 21:45

What did you suggest the DCs call them? Like a PP, in our family it would be considered rude for children to call older adults by their first name.

Original poster
Mellowyellow222 · 28/12/2021 21:50

@ShinyHappyPoster

What did you suggest the DCs call them? Like a PP, in our family it would be considered rude for children to call older adults by their first name.
I don’t actually see a situation where the children need to call them by their names.

But in my family it would just be their first names.

Growing up I only called my actual aunts and uncles by this title. I called my parents friends and neighbours by their first names. Friends parents were mr x and mrs y.

In my family it is not considered rude for children to call adults by their first names.

OP posts:
MozzarellaMonster · 28/12/2021 22:18

I've never heard about it being rude to call family by their first names, for the posters whose families do consider this rude what do you refer to cousins as? (Just curious)
I always said aunties and uncle to actual aunties and uncles but it was really confusing when friends of my parents were introduced as uncle Bob etc but they weren't even family!
I don't think you've been rude op, kids are going to want to understand and you were just factual about it.