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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Caused upset!

137 replies

Mellowyellow222 · 28/12/2021 12:52

We had a family gathering on Boxing Day.

We have a cousin who has recently reconnected with the family. He is my mums cousin, and we don’t really know him. This was the first time meeting his wife. They are in their early sixties and have recently married.

He introduced himself to my two nieces as their uncle Fred, and couple used the term aunt and uncle repeatedly to all the children there. They hadn’t met any of the children before so didn’t know their names - or if they were even in the family. One Niece asked me quietly afterwards who he was and if he was really her uncle.

I explained that he was a type of cousin so no not really an uncle but some people use that term for wider family members - we don’t in our family and only parents siblings are called aunt and uncle. But I explained he was just being friendly.

This mans wife overheard and they have now made a big deal about not be made to feel welcome and how we don’t accept them as family? My parents think I should apologise.

This is bonkers right? He isn’t her uncle - how else was I supposed to explain this? I am not sure what I am apologising for so I have refused.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mellowyellow222 · 28/12/2021 14:16

@Palavah

Did anyone think to explain to the children who they'd be meeting beforehand rather than present them with 2 strangers?
I didn’t - but I didn’t know they would be there.

It’s a big family - all my aunts and uncles, cousins and their children. So about fifty people in total. My uncle (mums brother) was hosting and invited his cousin and his new wife.

I don’t have children and hadn’t really thought. I would have introduced the girls by saying this is granny’s cousin and his wife. They intrigued themselves by saying we are your aunt X and uncle Y. And then kept calling the kids over with things like - come over and let uncle y get the batteries in that toy. Etc etc.

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 28/12/2021 14:26

A "kind of cousin" is a far easier explanation than having to explain that he's your cousin twice removed!
I'm still having to draw family trees for my 11- year old.

Dixiechickonhols · 28/12/2021 14:29

They sound bonkers and your explanation to niece in private sounds very appropriate.

Floralnomad · 28/12/2021 14:32

What you said was completely appropriate and you don’t owe anyone an apology .

Shinychestnuts · 28/12/2021 14:33

A few red flags here op.

First that they were over-familiar and insisting on being called Aunt & Uncle when they are not. Second that they are making you feel guilty for not playing along. Third that they complained to your parents about it. I'd be wary. There may be a very good reason he was a "distant" cousin in the first place.

I think you have hit the nail on the head op. Your mum's cousin has probably over-played his connection to your family in order to impress his new wife and is trying to be something he isn't ; "I come from a large and loving family etc" and she believed him. So she's shooting the messenger and he doesn't enjoy being called out.

Your parents should have defended you! I would have been cross with them for not doing so.

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 14:34

You're fine don't give it another thought

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 28/12/2021 14:36

Try saying "You want me to apologise for not lying to DNiece and for not claiming that this man is my brother and your child? Seriously?"

AhNowTed · 28/12/2021 14:42

I'd definitely be keeping them at arms length.

PostingForTheFirstTime · 28/12/2021 14:43

I'd like to add that the conversation you had with your niece was in private, and that the cousin's new wife was earwigging, which was rude of her. She would have nothing to feel embarrassed about if she herself hadn't brought what you said to your parents' attention.

Honestly, I am worried about your parents' stance here. Why are they so invested in the opinion of the wife of a cousin they haven't seen for years, to the extent that they would have made it a occasion to potentially start a fight with their daughter? Surely they can see that you had a very private conversation with a child, to clarify a position she found puzzling, and that the new wife of the log-lost cousin should have tactfully not have mentioned it to anyone? Or do your parents think that a stranger (even if related) should be able to push in to an established family and impose their different terminologies and expectations?

Anyway, it sounds like the first episode of a six-part TV drama or intrigue and estrangement. How long until "Uncle" Fred starts rummaging in the attic for the long-lost deeds that prove that his cousins stole his inheritance......

Beautiful3 · 28/12/2021 14:46

This has happened to us before, and my eldest was confused. My bil had a new girlfriend, who kept saying, she's aunty x. I explained that if they're married then yes. But as it stood, no, she's uncle's girlfriend. They split up and more girlfriends came and went My girls don't call any of them aunty. A new on has appeared and their relationship seems serious, e.g. living together (but still a very new relationship). She keeps calling her self aunty too. But I've told the children to only call her by her name, unless they're married. Because it's true!

Eddielzzard · 28/12/2021 14:58

YANBU absolutely not. They overstepped, she over heard a private conversation, and they've decided to make a big fuss over it. Nothing to apologise for. They seem like professional offence takers, yet quite happy to give offence.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 28/12/2021 15:01

You didn't do anything wrong.

They sound like they're trying too hard which can be very off-putting, and it sounds like their behaviour is. Any reason they popped up now and are acting so over-the-top? I'd actually be suspicious...

Clarice99 · 28/12/2021 15:01

Your parents are the bigger problem here. You don't owe anyone an apology and your parents pushing you to do that is outrageous.

You didn't say anything wrong, you were honest and tactful.

Uncle Fred, his wife and your parents can bugger off Grin

ancientgran · 28/12/2021 15:07

You've all managed without them for 30 years so it won't be much of an issue if they don't want to be family unless they can be aunt and uncle.

LegoPandemic · 28/12/2021 15:09

Courtesy title?
I was brought up to call my Godparents Auntie/Uncle and DS does this too.
I have a close friend who is Hindu/ Indian heritage and our children call us Auntie too, it’s a respectful title in their culture and we both like it.

rc22 · 28/12/2021 15:12

I called one of my mum's cousins 'auntie' growing up but my mum and her were extremely close - more like sisters than cousins. Apart from that, 'auntie' and 'uncle' were reserved for my parent's and grandparent's siblings. That said, my best friend's kids call me auntie.

It's unreasonable of these relatives to expect children who don't know them to use these terms and highly unreasonable of them to be offended by your entirely polite and kind explanation to your nieces.

Waftypants · 28/12/2021 15:14

Bonkers, be grateful she revealed this to you so early in the process before you invested any more emotional energy.

Woeismethischristmas · 28/12/2021 15:18

Meh I’m sure I remember a Christmas conversation where I was told that “uncle” Jimmy was really my first cousin once removed and then everyone round the table worked out how exactly they are related. Kids are curious. I’m not overly keen on extended family or friends being given honorary uncle / aunt title either.

I really don’t understand why this is an issue for them.

BarkminsterBlue · 28/12/2021 15:19

@Mellowyellow222

They were being very over familiar with everyone - I think my niece was confused. It was almost like he was my long lost brother rather than my mums cousin.

I suppose if I am honest I was trying to out a distance between us - I found it all quite uncomfortable. Maybe the wife picked up on that.

I suspect you are right here.

It’s normal in some regions for children to use ‘aunt’ and ‘uncle’ as a term of respect for any older adult or family friend in the wider family and I think that would have been a simpler explanation.

Mrstamborineman · 28/12/2021 15:22

She’s a little screwy and offended that you have not shared joy at their self bestowed title of affection.

IrishMama2015 · 28/12/2021 15:23

@Mellowyellow222

I had wondered if it was a cultural issue. She is from Wales - we are in Ireland.

But manners are universal and it seems odd to create such a fuss over such a little thing the first time you meet people.

I was just reading thinking there would be uproar in our Irish family over anyone not an actual uncle or aunt tried to be called auntie or uncle!! Defo not the thing to do
ANameChangeAgain · 28/12/2021 15:23

We have a thing in our family when we call older or elderly close friends of the family Auntie and Uncle. My own DC still call a good older family friend Uncle. I do think its something you have to be careful with, as when strangers introduce themselves as aunt and uncle it implies a trust / connection that isn't really there. I think your response was fine. A pp mentioned that you should have warned your dc that these people would be there, which made me chuckle. We have such large families that before every family party my teenagers as if there are any new cousins they are going to meet tonight, there usually are Grin

Wreath21 · 28/12/2021 15:26

I grew up calling several unrelated adults Auntie or Uncle - they were very close friends of my parents (who were both only children). There isn't anything inherently wrong with it even though Jilly Cooper says it's vulgar.
However, this couple do sound creepy and a bit strange. As PP said, it might be worth finding out why he was estranged from the family for so long...

RampantIvy · 28/12/2021 15:27

He isn’t her uncle - how else was I supposed to explain this?

In my family we called my mum's cousins uncle, and their wives auntie. They were the next generation up from us, and it was an accepted thing. Strictly speaking they were my first cousins once removed, but a 6 year old calling a 40 something year old by their christian name alone just wasn't the done thing in the 1960s.

These were all German "aunties" and "uncles" in case it was a cultural thing.

Cocomarine · 28/12/2021 15:30

@IrishMama2015 interesting! In my Irish family (both sides: mum Catholic and south, dad Protestant and north) it’s widespread to call any older male and female - relative or not! - auntie or uncle.