Caused upset!

[Mellowyellow222]

We had a family gathering on Boxing Day.

We have a cousin who has recently reconnected with the family. He is my mums cousin, and we don’t really know him. This was the first time meeting his wife. They are in their early sixties and have recently married.

He introduced himself to my two nieces as their uncle Fred, and couple used the term aunt and uncle repeatedly to all the children there. They hadn’t met any of the children before so didn’t know their names - or if they were even in the family. One Niece asked me quietly afterwards who he was and if he was really her uncle.

I explained that he was a type of cousin so no not really an uncle but some people use that term for wider family members - we don’t in our family and only parents siblings are called aunt and uncle. But I explained he was just being friendly.

This mans wife overheard and they have now made a big deal about not be made to feel welcome and how we don’t accept them as family? My parents think I should apologise.

This is bonkers right? He isn’t her uncle - how else was I supposed to explain this? I am not sure what I am apologising for so I have refused.

@Mellowyellow222

I am interested in how you are all defining extended family.

I am starting to think my family might be weird😂.

For those of you in your thirties, forties and fifties do you all have relationships with your parents cousins?

I have relationships with my cousins and my aunts and uncles. But this is the first time I have met a more distant relative than that.

I do on my Dad's side, but that's because he was an only child of a widowed mother and her sister helped with childcare so that she could work. Consequently his cousins were more like sisters to him and I addressed them all as 'auntie'. I hope this doesn't give pp conniptions

@ThanksItHasPockets I can absolutely understand why you address these people as auntie. I assume your children so too?

@BeyondMyWits is clearly also close with her parents cousins and sees them regularly. Which is lovely.

I just struggle to think of distant cousins who I have never met as family. If I found out I had a sibling I had never met, I would be more motivated bated to develop a relationship. But a first cousin once removed doesn’t really mean much to me?

As I said, maybe my family is weird though and other people think differently!

I wouldn’t be apologising either. The lady shouldn’t have been eavesdropping into a private conversation, they are not aunt and uncle, they themselves assumed that title incorrectly, and the children quite rightly have questioned whether someone they had never met and now is calling himself uncle actually is an uncle. Personally I wouldn’t give it a second thought, it’s unlikely you’ll be meeting that often anyway, and if it arises again step in and explain to them that they are not uncle and aunt, but grans cousin and that the children know this. It was once the fashion that all elders would be aunt and uncle, but quite rightly I don’t think that’s that case now. And even if it was their behaviour over it is highly rude.

@Mellowyellow222

I am interested in how you are all defining extended family.

I am starting to think my family might be weird😂.

For those of you in your thirties, forties and fifties do you all have relationships with your parents cousins?

I have relationships with my cousins and my aunts and uncles. But this is the first time I have met a more distant relative than that.

At one point (before they started to die off) I had thirty-seven first cousins, living in Africa, America, Latin America, Canada, Australia and various countries in Europe.

I had not met them all.

I had not met all their spouses' siblings' families.

I would have addressed any of these related-but-strangers by their first name, even when I was a child, and if required to call them "Auntie" at the age of say ten would have investigated their exact relationship to me and then called them by it. I know this because my elder brother did just that: when told "I am your Auntie Eleanor" by an American woman he was meeting for the first time, he went and asked my father about it, and thereafter called her "Second Cousin Once Removed Eleanor" very formally until she gave up and admitted she had been silly to demand a nominal relationship not her own and asked him to make it just "Eleanor".

I’m in my mid 50s , both parents deceased and I don’t have a relationship with my actual aunt / cousins let alone anyone more distant than that .

Thank you! My fiends who are in their forties know their cousins but don’t see them often. They don’t have any relationship with their parents cousin.

It’s lovely so many here are so close, but to be honest I couldn’t even name my parents cousins.

OP I think it is very telling that distant-cousin-and-wife have “lost touch” (estranged?) with their children and grandchildren. Are they trying to co-opt themselves another lot of family to replace the ones they have misplaced? Inviting themselves to the family holiday house shows how cheeky they are. I would be keeping a beady eye on the whole situation and encouraging any distance I could.

As a child I had an "uncle x and aunty y" they were the parents of my aunt (by marriage - she married my mother's brother) lovely people but it really confused me as aunts and uncles were siblings of your mother or father, no?

I'm in my late 50s and it is great that my kids have the support network round them. My folks are both dead, but the others make up for it. Dd was stuck in her uni town, train strike, dh away with work... uncle"A"'s wife's sister (known as Aunty, but no actual relation) dropped her home. My mum's brother's grandchildren are decorators and helped out with a tricky tall wall. My MIL 's sister's son's wife made our curtains.
With a close extended family, you not only have a great social life, you always have help, someone can do it, or knows someone who can. It's great.

It's very common here (north east) to call cousins/friends/neighbours Auntie xyz. It just signifies someone known who is older.

I think it may be cultural/regional

I do know my parents cousins and their children and grandchildren. However, this is because pre-Covid we had an annual family get together so we saw each other at least once a year.

I do have a very close relationship with one of my dad's cousins but he was an only child and he grew up with a number of cousins close by. I met all of my parents' cousins and am still in touch with most of them - I didn't realise this wasn't normal but then I only have one actual proper cousin of my own who is a generation apart from me anyway. Interestingly, some of these cousins I called auntie/uncle, some I called cousin whoever, and others were known just by their first name. I also referred to my great aunts and uncles as aunt and uncle. We didn't call any family friends aunt/uncle though.

As an adult I'm honoured to be known as aunt margotsdevil to a few children whose parents are very close friends - but always at the friends instigation - I would never dream of introducing myself as aunt to a child who wasn't actually my niece or nephew without express invitation to do so!