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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be potentially homeless when I’m old?

431 replies

Dogmummy1980 · 28/12/2021 12:46

I’ve been with DP now for 2.5 years and we moved in together a few months ago - me moving into his house. I was renting a property previously and also moved in with debts that are now almost clear. We have 4 kids, 2 each, none together. I’ve always said if it is that we split I would never claim for his house - I don’t own a property and his is mortgaged but in the instance we split it wouldnt feel right me doing so. He is divorced and it was their marital home. I pay half of the household outgoings each month

However my mind is niggling at me - if we are together until he dies then what then for me? When I’ve brought it up he has simply said to trust that his kids/family wouldn’t see me having to move out immediately. Whaaaattt??? He has also now claimed I am asking this as I am after money - I’m absolutely not as my only question has been if/when we were elderly. I am also aware I would never be in his will - the entire lot would be for his kids. I’m a benefactor in my mums will so eventually I would be ok money wise (as much as I hate to think of this idea)

So essentially for me to ensure I have somewhere to live when I am old I would need to buy a property and rent it out for the next goodness knows how long - something I really don’t want to have to do but I see no other way to protect myself when I’m old. I rented out my now sold (at a loss) property before and it’s been all manners of hassle.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous that I’m having to do this? That you either want to build a life with someone or you don’t??? And certainly if you are planning on spending to next 30+ years with someone you wouldn’t just expect your DP to leave their home at that sort of age in those circumstances?? I just feel lost/bereft - huge mix of emotions really!

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/12/2021 15:02

we are now currently on day 2 of him completely stonewalling me

Stonewalling is always wrong, though he's probably coming to realise the whole arrangement isn't as sensible as he thought it would be

Well done, though, for starting to look into better security for yourself. In the end only you can steer this; there's no point in relying on someone you've only lived with a few months, so you're doing the right thing

CrimbleCrumble1 · 29/12/2021 15:14

OP could you buy on your own in the area you currently live once you’ve paid off your debts and saved for a deposit? I think if you can then that would be my plan.

femfemlicious · 29/12/2021 15:24

Good on you @Dogmummy1980. Your future is in your own hands

Original poster
Dogmummy1980 · 29/12/2021 15:24

@CrimbleCrumble1

OP could you buy on your own in the area you currently live once you’ve paid off your debts and saved for a deposit? I think if you can then that would be my plan.
Yes - the aim is either a) get a BTL in the same or nearby area so I’m close to family, kids friends etc or b) worst case buy a house for me and the kids in the area

Either way 12 months from now I’ll have debts paid off and also a decent amount of money in the bank - and worst worst case if I don’t have enough to buy I can still afford to rent and bank money at the same time

OP posts:
CrimbleCrumble1 · 29/12/2021 15:26

Good plan OP, particularly the buying a place for you and your DC.

LolaSmiles · 29/12/2021 16:59

OP you'd actually remain in a relationship where a man is now stonewalling you until it's convenient for you to get the right property?

Either he's being a bit moody about being asked to provide housing for you in the event of his death in which case fair enough as no relationships are sunshine and rainbows in every disagreement, or he really is behaving in a way that is unpleasant in which case surely you'd want to leave and remove yourself and your children from an unhealthy environment. 🤔

TatianaBis · 29/12/2021 17:18

And yes he really did expect me to fund half his mortgage, pay for a nice new car, holidays etc etc - with all the risk of being thrown out at a moments notice

And when you won’t be stonewalls you for 2 days.

If it were me it would be over. I could not be with someone who wants my cash and sulks when he doesn’t get it

SunshineCake1 · 29/12/2021 19:03

Are you really going to stay with him ?

Hele1986h · 29/12/2021 19:06

@Stompythedinosaur

If your dp was so inclined I believe he could make a will where you are able to stay living in the house before it passing to his dc after your death.

But if you aren't paying towards the mortgage you could presumably save the money you would have paid on rent towards your old age? Buying a property to rent is quite a good idea, I'd have said. Or would your dp be open to renting his current property and you buy together?

2.5 years doesn't seem like a huge time to be together to me so I can see why he is safeguarding his dc's inheritance.

PP is correct, this is easily done. My mum and dad have done this in so much as we have my Nan’s house (they own) left in the will but mum can live their until she passes before anything can be inherited
Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 29/12/2021 19:09

Op that's brilliant, don't forget about investing as well... Obviously if you can buy out right that's amazing.

You will be saving more money of course by not paying the mortgage for HIM

Original poster
Dogmummy1980 · 29/12/2021 19:27

Thank you for all your differing views - you’ve all turned me into a woman on fire!!!!

Just to be clear on finances pre move in - when I was renting and in old job I had universal credits (single parent) - I now in new job earn enough that I actually don’t qualify for them anymore and on more than what my old salary and UC combined came to. So IF I literally had to move into rented again in next couple of months I’ve worked out I could pay rent/bills plus debts at same rate AND still save up for a deposit at the same time - I know I am extremely fortunate to be in this position!!

On the other side of things, the more I think about it, I think that one day he will really regret what he has said, how he has acted as I’m not a woman to stand still - I will absolutely ensure I end up in the better position financially!

Right now I wouldnt want to move my kids - largely our relationship is good apart from this!! But I know exactly where I stand now in every single aspect

OP posts:
Original poster
Dogmummy1980 · 29/12/2021 19:32

Almost forgot - he had wanted to do New York next Christmas too! Just me and him - I might book it but invite my mother along with me instead (yes I know I need to save for a house but it’s on my bucket list!)

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 29/12/2021 19:57

Have read all your posts OP with a growing sense of relief. So glad to see a woman with her head screwed on.

Your partner is not coming across well. He wants a shiny luxury car to drive at your expense, to "fully recarpet the house, do the bathroom, bedroom etc….. him wanting these things paid for between us", to holiday in New York - lets face it, could he afford all these things without your financial input? No, thought not. He expects to have the benefit of your earnings, but is strangely reluctant to reciprocate.

And - "after all he has made it clear that it’s his house".
Yes it is. And if he were to point out that you would also benefit from the recarpeting etc., it would have to be pointed out to him, 'yes dear - but not nearly so much as you would'.

No, you have no security, the idea that you should "trust that his kids/family wouldn’t see me having to move out immediately" would be met with a raised eyebrow and 'Yes dear, I'm sure they'd give me - oh, a week or two?'

Proceed on a 'separate finances' basis. You know now what his attitude to money is (take, not share).

TatianaBis · 29/12/2021 20:40

Right now I wouldnt want to move my kids - largely our relationship is good apart from this!!

But ‘this’ defines the whole thing unfortunately.

Your supposed romantic partner is trying to fleece you, and it is clear that a significant motive for this relationship and living together is financial. I also suspect he also wants help with this kids, but you haven’t mentioned that so it’s just speculation.

If he will try to take advantage and fuck you over on this what else will he try? You’re supposed to be able to trust your partner - I don’t see how you can, he’s just out for himself to your detriment.

Original poster
Dogmummy1980 · 29/12/2021 20:43

@TatianaBis

Right now I wouldnt want to move my kids - largely our relationship is good apart from this!!

But ‘this’ defines the whole thing unfortunately.

Your supposed romantic partner is trying to fleece you, and it is clear that a significant motive for this relationship and living together is financial. I also suspect he also wants help with this kids, but you haven’t mentioned that so it’s just speculation.

If he will try to take advantage and fuck you over on this what else will he try? You’re supposed to be able to trust your partner - I don’t see how you can, he’s just out for himself to your detriment.

The holiday we had planned - Florida - Disney - the whole works. And yes I would have been funding the majority if not all of it. I’ve already told him this won’t be happening!!!
OP posts:
Original poster
Dogmummy1980 · 29/12/2021 20:47

I actually earn more than him - few grand more than him on the basic but I also get commission and bonuses regularly. To give you a general idea I work for a small company but I single handedly cover the majority of the UK - the other employees in the company cover tiny parts of the UK

To say that he has shot himself in the foot is an understatement as prior to his kick off on this small point of ‘what would happen after I’ve paid half your bills and mortgage for 30 years’, he and his kids would have benefitted from a very decent life - but now it’s a no. I’ll work my arse off and buy a property and the rest of my money will be banked

OP posts:
billy1966 · 29/12/2021 20:52

Unbelievable OP!

Original poster
Dogmummy1980 · 29/12/2021 21:09

@billy1966

Unbelievable OP!
My thoughts exactly! I’m fuming!!! My point has been that I was more than happy to provide a decent life but to then whip a rug from under me when I’m potentially in my 70s was just wow. So now it’s just a huge nope!
OP posts:
Original poster
Dogmummy1980 · 29/12/2021 21:14

On the plus side my mother has informed me there is apparently there is a pension my dad has set up that continues paying out even after my mother has died - she currently is the beneficiary of many - I do need to check up on this though - so if that is the case then jeez I actually wouldn’t even need to work. How the tables would turn eh…. I’m not interested in the money side but really I’d be quite satisfied just to see his face

OP posts:
Cosmos123 · 29/12/2021 21:16

I think it does show lack of respect for you.

Cosmos123 · 29/12/2021 21:19

You have one life and you can make the path for yourself better.
Don't fund his children's inheritancethink about yourself and your children too.
Times flies fast so don't sit and wait.

Original poster
Dogmummy1980 · 29/12/2021 21:25

For now I’m going to take this as him completely overreacting and perceiving my conversation as me money grabbing - believe me that now after stonewalling me for 2 days I will happily make him suffer for it

But from now onwards - the money sent across to him is being reduced and on my bank note will be labelled as ‘household/mortgage’

And I will sort a BTL/house for me/my children.

I promise myself only that he will regret what he said and how he reacted to my innocent question

OP posts:
Cosmos123 · 29/12/2021 21:34

Must hurt though.
Would you have said the same if the situation was reversed?

Original poster
Dogmummy1980 · 29/12/2021 22:10

@Cosmos123

Must hurt though. Would you have said the same if the situation was reversed?
Potentially 30 years with the person you are choosing to see the rest of your life out with - completely would not have seen him out of a home. Also - would want him to see the house he lives in as his home
OP posts:
Abitofalark · 29/12/2021 23:07

I wanted to say the same as TatianaBis posted to you last night - that HE is the money grabber. And he has the nerve to accuse YOU of looking for money! Tell him exactly that if he dares say it again.

You've had a dose of cold reality which is a terrible emotional blow from a man you hoped to be in a serious loving relationship with. He is taking your money to feather his nest - an appreciating asset - and does not care if you were to be out on the street with nothing after years of paying out. Dear me. If he had any decency he wouldn't be taking money for the mortgage in the first place. Paying a half share plus a bit extra of the bills means he is doing quite well without anything additional. And that's not even counting the monetary value of whatever work you bring to the home, caring for children, doing domestic chores and so on.

Honestly you have to stop the obedience to his wants and look out for your own needs. To my mind your immediate priority should be to pay off your debt as fast as you can - the more distance you put between it and yourself the better when borrowing to buy a property or even if it came to renting. And you might get something knocked off for paying it off quicker. So take that half-mortgage payment and put it into accelerating paying off your debt. And when reckoning the current balance of finances and liabilities between you, don't forget to deduct any contribution you have already made to home improvements and anything else.

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