To be potentially homeless when I’m old?

[Dogmummy1980]

I’ve been with DP now for 2.5 years and we moved in together a few months ago - me moving into his house. I was renting a property previously and also moved in with debts that are now almost clear. We have 4 kids, 2 each, none together. I’ve always said if it is that we split I would never claim for his house - I don’t own a property and his is mortgaged but in the instance we split it wouldnt feel right me doing so. He is divorced and it was their marital home. I pay half of the household outgoings each month

However my mind is niggling at me - if we are together until he dies then what then for me? When I’ve brought it up he has simply said to trust that his kids/family wouldn’t see me having to move out immediately. Whaaaattt??? He has also now claimed I am asking this as I am after money - I’m absolutely not as my only question has been if/when we were elderly. I am also aware I would never be in his will - the entire lot would be for his kids. I’m a benefactor in my mums will so eventually I would be ok money wise (as much as I hate to think of this idea)

So essentially for me to ensure I have somewhere to live when I am old I would need to buy a property and rent it out for the next goodness knows how long - something I really don’t want to have to do but I see no other way to protect myself when I’m old. I rented out my now sold (at a loss) property before and it’s been all manners of hassle.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous that I’m having to do this? That you either want to build a life with someone or you don’t??? And certainly if you are planning on spending to next 30+ years with someone you wouldn’t just expect your DP to leave their home at that sort of age in those circumstances?? I just feel lost/bereft - huge mix of emotions really!

I pay half of the bills/mortgage Exactly why would you pay towards a mortgage on a house you have zero claim on?

This man saw you coming, sorry.

I also would not invest in a luxury car for both of you to use or fancy holidays. Keep the finances seperate until he's ready to make more of a committment to you. Buy your own property and make it a priority to pay the mortgage off
Totally agree with this.
Spending money on holidays and nice cars would be a silly thing to do when worried about long term financial security and have the means to put a decent plan in place.

Same for home improvements. There's no way OP should be roped into funding home improvements.

The OP and her DP need to remain financially separate, focus on their own financial security, not blend finances or assets too quickly because they've only been living together a couple of months and drop the 'building a life together' idealism until they establish they're on the same page.

I’ll be reassessing what I am paying towards HIS house - given I am paying essentially more than half (as currrntly I’ve seen no evidence that the bills have increased) he is indeed the one in a much better situation with me living there

This lack of financial transparency rings an alarm bell for me, @Dogmummy1980. Ime, when one partner in a relationship is cagey about money matters, it's usually because they are hiding something.

Why are you paying more than half the outgoings? I can see that it could be argued that more energy and water is used by you and your children than he would use if living alone, but that doesn't apply to all outgoings.

He would have been entitled to a 25% discount on the council tax while living there alone, so that has only gone up by 25% (mycounciltax.org.uk will give you the exact figure). Insurance will be very little different. Maintenance will also be little different.

I also think it is inequitable to pay half the mortgage. You shouldn't be paying anything off the capital amount, and if he's had the mortgage for several years, that could be a big chunk of the monthly repayments. And you definitely shouldn't be paying half of any home improvements that will ultimately benefit his children.

Ime, secrecy about money is usually because someone has something to hide. I think if you have agreed to pay half the running costs of a home, you're entitled to know exactly what they are.

I think it's time for a very frank conversation about how things are arranged between the two of you. I think your concerns about your security, and that of your children, should he predecease you, are entirely reasonable. That would be my starting point. It wouldn't be unreasonable to look at both your pension arrangements, too. If one of you dies, would the surviving partner be entitled to something from your pensions, for example?

If you can reduce what you are paying him towards the costs of running the home, that would mean you can clear your debts more quickly and save the deposit on a BTL property sooner. Then at least you'll know that you and your children have somewhere to live should the worst happen.

Your updates just make it all worse. He's got some cheek asking you to pay for home improvements and all the rest of it. I'd reassess the relationship fully.

If he wants to leave a family house to his kids eventually then he will have to pay it off himself and pay for all renovations himself. Yes you should pay towards bills if living there but that is most likely going to be a stretch for him financially for quite a long time. Running a nice family house on your own is not easy. You don't always get to go on nice holidays etc as well unless you earn pretty well.
I think you should stop paying the mortgage and don't pay for house improvements and get your own place to put money into. Doesn't sound like a very fun life if most of yours and his money is going towards houses. But would tell him that's how it will be unless you buy somewhere together 50 50 eventually, maybe with his extra equity protected for his kids. Would need legal advise for that i guess.

The stuff about him wanting you to pay for house improvements and a luxury car makes him sound like a bit of a cocklodger, frankly.

You should not be paying half the mortgage, nor home improvements, only bills. How are you supposed to save up for your own place? Honestly, after reading your updates, I'd buy a place and move out.

He wants the OP to spend her money on life's comforts whilst he has a nice asset at the end of it.

I think it is not unreasonable that he wants his house to go to his children, however he doesn't get you to pay 50% of it's morgage and improvements.

You to pay for a nice car or fancy holidays.

He is a user who thinks the OP is really DIM.

I will also be reconsidering his plans for us to fully recarpet the house, do the bathroom, bedroom etc….. him wanting these things paid for between us - after all he has made it clear that it’s his house

That sounds really reasonable.
He can’t have it all his own way and expect you to pay for HIS lifestyle really.

Before you met him and moved into his house where were you going to live at 80.

Thid is a relationship not a pension. Why do women expect men to pay for thrm?

Surely, you understand that the OP is unlikely to be able to pay rent upon retirement?

I find what's often meant by folk who say they "won't be able to afford it" is that what they can stretch to won't be as nice as what they have now, and while this may be so, it doesn't mean you get to expect a share of someone else's house that you've lived in for merely weeks

As PPs have said, if this was a woman whose partner came with debts and was now expecting a share, she'd be instantly told to protect herself. In fact that's the way the thread was going, so along come the details of other things he's expecting which were interestingly left out of the original post

@Dogmummy1980

Tagging you OP in the hope you see this post.

My mum did what you've done aged 45, grown up kids left home.

Age 52 she was homeless overnight when her partner decided the relationship was over. 52 and scrabbling around for a home. It was absolutely brutal, she got nothing despite paying half bills, caring for his dependant kids, contributing to refurb. And all those posters who think you legal recourse in this situation are WRONG. The legal fees to try and prove it would eat any potential gains, people need to stop posting this RUBBISH.

OP, you must absolutely cut what you're paying this man who is profiting from you and prioritise a property of your own.

Mum has just got back on property ladder age 59, as thankfully she met someone new who had deposit and was willing to go halves on mortgage. Both their shares are protected and us kids can't kick the surviving partner out.

@Dogmummy1980 put your big girl pants on and sort out your finances. Dont expect this man to pay for you in old age. Im sure you are paying a lot less now than when you were renting your own house. Invest that money for your old age.

@femfemlicious If I was her I would sort out my own finances, by moving out.

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Surely, you understand that the OP is unlikely to be able to pay rent upon retirement?

I find what's often meant by folk who say they "won't be able to afford it" is that what they can stretch to won't be as nice as what they have now, and while this may be so, it doesn't mean you get to expect a share of someone else's house that you've lived in for merely weeks

As PPs have said, if this was a woman whose partner came with debts and was now expecting a share, she'd be instantly told to protect herself. In fact that's the way the thread was going, so along come the details of other things he's expecting which were interestingly left out of the original post

If OP has only a state pension, they will get housing benefit. But this could mean renting a bedsit or a very cheap one bedroom flat. She won't be able to afford a house. OP needs to think about her future rather than buying a lodge for the family to holiday in that will be worthless in 20 years time, or paying towards major improvements to the house she can be thrown out of at a moments notice.

Thanks all!

Update - discretely tried to discuss it again and explain it is just a concern over an IF - and we are now currently on day 2 of him completely stonewalling me

I’m on right move as we speak coming up with plans and ideas - or indeed locations of where I could buy a BTL - if anything all this and his behaviour has made me completely understand that I’ve only myself to look out for me

As for what had been my long term plan - as mentioned previously I had discussed potentially buying a BTL when I was moving in with him but we looked into it and mutually decided it wasn’t worth the hassle as we had a home - however had it been that I was in rented now I would still be paying off the debts the same figure I am doing now with the intention of saving for a deposit thereafter for a home for me and the kids

And yes he really did expect me to fund half his mortgage, pay for a nice new car, holidays etc etc - with all the risk of being thrown out at a moments notice

OP needs to think about her future rather than buying a lodge for the family to holiday in that will be worthless in 20 years time, or paying towards major improvements to the house she can be thrown out of at a moments notice

In a nutshell

@Dogmummy1980

Thanks all!

Update - discretely tried to discuss it again and explain it is just a concern over an IF - and we are now currently on day 2 of him completely stonewalling me

I’m on right move as we speak coming up with plans and ideas - or indeed locations of where I could buy a BTL - if anything all this and his behaviour has made me completely understand that I’ve only myself to look out for me

As for what had been my long term plan - as mentioned previously I had discussed potentially buying a BTL when I was moving in with him but we looked into it and mutually decided it wasn’t worth the hassle as we had a home - however had it been that I was in rented now I would still be paying off the debts the same figure I am doing now with the intention of saving for a deposit thereafter for a home for me and the kids

And yes he really did expect me to fund half his mortgage, pay for a nice new car, holidays etc etc - with all the risk of being thrown out at a moments notice

Well done for tackling it now

Stay strong in the face of the stonewalling Dogmummy1980. He is pissed off that his little scheme has been rumbled and your good nature can't so easily be taken advantage of. You have a good job and a real chance for security that nobody can take away from you. Stick with your plan for a BTL. You will be so glad you did!

@CliffsofMohair thanks! Will take a while to save a 25% deposit to do it properly but that’s it now - goal set. I’m just quite lucky I’m actually in a good job and have the means to be able to hopefully get sorted out relatively quickly - sooner I have that security sorted for myself the better. I’m just waiting for him to next bring up when I will be changing my car…..

Well done OP, a good start. As to paying half the mortgage, unless you transfer the money directly to the building society each month then you'd be unable to prove anything - if it goes to him first then he could argue legally it was just living expenses etc.

Well done OP for seeing clearly exactly how vulnerable you are.

He absolutely hasn't got your best interests at heart and that should be enough for you.

Stop paying half the morgage and up your debt repayments.

The sooner you are debt free the better.

Keep posting.

If he's stonewalling you, why haven't you dumped him? I can only presume it's because renting would cost you more than living at his house? And therefore it'd be quicker to save up for a deposit at his house?

If not - if you could afford to rent and save - then definitely dump him and move out!

@AlbertBridge

If he's stonewalling you, why haven't you dumped him? I can only presume it's because renting would cost you more than living at his house? And therefore it'd be quicker to save up for a deposit at his house?

If not - if you could afford to rent and save - then definitely dump him and move out!

Right now it would be the upheaval of everything - kids settled etc. For now I’ll focus on repaying my debt and saving for a deposit - either way then I’ll have decent security. Even in the instance that I’m needed to physically leave sooner, I’d have a decent amount of money in the bank and potentially be able to straight up buy a property rather than rent again (10% deposit for the sort of house I would want would take me around 12 months max to save in my current job)

Well done OP.