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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be potentially homeless when I’m old?

431 replies

Dogmummy1980 · 28/12/2021 12:46

I’ve been with DP now for 2.5 years and we moved in together a few months ago - me moving into his house. I was renting a property previously and also moved in with debts that are now almost clear. We have 4 kids, 2 each, none together. I’ve always said if it is that we split I would never claim for his house - I don’t own a property and his is mortgaged but in the instance we split it wouldnt feel right me doing so. He is divorced and it was their marital home. I pay half of the household outgoings each month

However my mind is niggling at me - if we are together until he dies then what then for me? When I’ve brought it up he has simply said to trust that his kids/family wouldn’t see me having to move out immediately. Whaaaattt??? He has also now claimed I am asking this as I am after money - I’m absolutely not as my only question has been if/when we were elderly. I am also aware I would never be in his will - the entire lot would be for his kids. I’m a benefactor in my mums will so eventually I would be ok money wise (as much as I hate to think of this idea)

So essentially for me to ensure I have somewhere to live when I am old I would need to buy a property and rent it out for the next goodness knows how long - something I really don’t want to have to do but I see no other way to protect myself when I’m old. I rented out my now sold (at a loss) property before and it’s been all manners of hassle.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous that I’m having to do this? That you either want to build a life with someone or you don’t??? And certainly if you are planning on spending to next 30+ years with someone you wouldn’t just expect your DP to leave their home at that sort of age in those circumstances?? I just feel lost/bereft - huge mix of emotions really!

OP posts:
emptyempire · 29/12/2021 23:10

@gofg

Surely, you understand that the OP is unlikely to be able to pay rent upon retirement?

Are you trying to tell me that every retired person in the UK owns their own home? I don't believe that for a moment. I am not in the UK, but I will have to pay rent when I retire - as I currently do on a jobseeker allowance.

Because state pension is only about £700 per month, which is just enough to live on and not enough to also pay rent. So, unless someone has a large private pension/inheritance, they would be forced to claim benefits in order to pay rent. I'm not sure what's difficult to understand about that?
emptyempire · 29/12/2021 23:15

Sounds like you're going to be fine OP, that's great news!

billy1966 · 29/12/2021 23:40

Great news.
Keep your powder dry.

Get the debt paid and get out.

He was going to quiet happily use you and your money to pay off his asset and fund his lifestyle.

What a piece of work.

Those debts can't be cleared quickly enough.

BluebellsGreenbells · 30/12/2021 00:53

See now you’ve technically agreed to his way of thinking, his house his mortgage his rules etc he doesn’t actually like it.

Because you no longer agree to find his household improvements or holidays or nice car, he’s realized that his plan isn’t working!!

So let him sulk.

UniversalAunt · 30/12/2021 01:53

Flowers @Dogmummy1980

Dindundundundeeer · 30/12/2021 09:48

OP one other point that you might also reflect on: your child loses out in the status quo.
You would have spent your money on lifestyle, his kids get the asset, yours = nothing.

The change is not just benefiting you.

Good luck.

Fr0thandBubble · 30/12/2021 10:27

@Dogmummy1980

See this is the thing - I’ve said I’m not interested in inheriting any of what he has, quite happy for all to go to his kids, but just wanted reassurance that in the instance he died and we were both not at working age (where I would potentially find it difficult to rent) that I wouldn’t be left without a roof over my head. But to leave it to just trust that I wouldn’t be turfed out ‘immediately’ is just a bit wow….

Currently I have a few debts I’m paying off which will be done quite soon and paying towards his house/bills so will be saving up for a property. I’m just a bit bereft that I’m having to do this just to safeguard myself when I’m elderly.

But why shouldn’t you safeguard yourself when you are elderly? Confused

You are not married to this man and you don’t have children with him. His responsibilities are to his children, not you. Why should his children miss out on their inheritance (or have it delayed) because of you?

This is one of the reasons I think that blended families aren’t a great idea.

PoshWatchShitShoes · 30/12/2021 10:42

You need to provide for yourself in terms of property.

My own widowed father is in the position of your partner. His girlfriend of 18 years lives in his house. There's no mortgage though and she's never worked, so never contributed to anything financially.

It wouldn't be practical for her to remain in the house, as 1) I don't want to be a landlord and 2) she wouldn't have any income to maintain the property and land.

DerAlteMann · 30/12/2021 11:15

@5thnonblonde

You can leave your house or a portion of your house to your kids but with the proviso that the surviving spouse can live in there until they die/need to move, I can’t remember the legal terminology but it isn’t uncommon.
But she's not a spouse. Frankly, OP if you really mean "I’ve said I’m not interested in inheriting any of what he has" then I reckon it's 99 chances in 100 that you will be homeless if he dies before you - regardless of age.
mamaoffourdc · 30/12/2021 11:32

I would see if your mum and you could buy a buy to let now - using her money for the deposit and you keep saving and pay chunks off the mortgage each year so that you could have potentially a mortgage free rental in 10 ish years x

GertieWooster · 30/12/2021 12:35

Bet he's kicking himself - he could have had his house done up, fancy pants car to drive and swish holidays - all he had to do was string you along.

You started this thread feeling insecure and sad, and now you have a plan that prioritises you and your children. Well done @Dogmummy1980

HomeTheatreSystem · 30/12/2021 13:25

Tbh even if he were to cave in and agree to alter his will to allow you to live there in the event he predeceased you, I would not now trust him to either, actually do it in the first place, or if he did make the change, not to change it back to how it is now.

The only way this house would work is for you to be tenants in common with an agreed percentage share in the house, reflecting both your contributions, his of the deposit and half the mortgage and yours of the half mortgage payment although that doesn't take into account any monies you invest in home improvements.

Can he afford all the household outgoings on his own or does he actually need your contribution? I also would not marry him if that option ever came up. There's something unsavoury about his attitude towards your earnings, car and your security in old age. He's treating you like a Lodger with Benefits, not an equal partner.

billy1966 · 30/12/2021 13:37

"Can he afford all the household outgoings on his own or does he actually need your contribution? I also would not marry him if that option ever came up. There's something unsavoury about his attitude towards your earnings, car and your security in old age. He's treating you like a Lodger with Benefits, not an equal partner."

This.

Also this arrangement would have been an awful disservice to your children.

Your income funding his childrens lifestyle and their inheritance.

Eventually your children would have understood this and think you were very stupid and naive.

femfemlicious · 30/12/2021 19:01

You are like me...didnt read through the thread before posting...im surprised i wasnt flamed to death😁

Dindundundundeeer · 30/12/2021 19:27

@PoshWatchShitShoes

You need to provide for yourself in terms of property.

My own widowed father is in the position of your partner. His girlfriend of 18 years lives in his house. There's no mortgage though and she's never worked, so never contributed to anything financially.

It wouldn't be practical for her to remain in the house, as 1) I don't want to be a landlord and 2) she wouldn't have any income to maintain the property and land.

He might be nice and respect his partner of 18 years. You clearly won’t.
BluebellsGreenbells · 30/12/2021 19:31

He might be nice and respect his partner of 18 years
You clearly won’t.

Disagree. If he wanted to make sure she was provided for he would’ve married her or provided for her in his will. He did neither.

Dindundundundeeer · 30/12/2021 19:35

@BluebellsGreenbells

He might be nice and respect his partner of 18 years You clearly won’t.

Disagree. If he wanted to make sure she was provided for he would’ve married her or provided for her in his will. He did neither.

So he wasn’t a nice man then. Straightforward.
emptyempire · 30/12/2021 23:36

After 18 years, I agree, horrible!

Dixiechickonhols · 31/12/2021 00:30

poshwatch Is she aware of situation? Where will she go if he dies first?

Hont1986 · 31/12/2021 01:30

I think DP was largely in the right here. Imagine a thread where a woman says her higher earning boyfriend had moved in with his two kids while he pays off debts. Now he's demanding to be put on the deeds or into the will to stay in the house when she dies (they've only been living together a few months, mind) and he's refusing to pay his share of the rent they agreed before he moved in. Now that he hasn't got what he wants, he and his kids are going to continue living with her, rent free, while he saves up for a deposit!

LostForIdeas · 31/12/2021 09:27

They are not renting though…

The DP was saying for the OP to pay half the mortgage, for a house she will never own.
The DP also wanted her to pay for a car she didn’t want because it’s suited him, pay for the holidays etc….

I think as a couple , people need to be very clear. Either (married or not), they are in it for the long term and basically pooled their earnings so BOTH partners should have a claim on the house. For basic protection in old age. Very fair comment imo.
OR they decide that their finances are totally separate, they both need to take steps to protect their future, Incl the fact that the partner who has no claim on the house they share shouod ensure they have somewhere to live. In that case, the house is the sole responsibility of the OWNER. Which is fair enough no?

Asking the non owner partner to pay ‘rent’ is like having a lodger or BTL. For me, this means you are expecting your partner to fund your lifestyle/investment. It doesn’t sit right with me at all. Esp as said owner would have to find it on his own anyway if they hadn’t move together.

One time when I think is different is when the owner needs to have a lodger to make needs end and someone moving in means they are loosing that income/rent

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 31/12/2021 09:39

@PoshWatchShitShoes

You need to provide for yourself in terms of property.

My own widowed father is in the position of your partner. His girlfriend of 18 years lives in his house. There's no mortgage though and she's never worked, so never contributed to anything financially.

It wouldn't be practical for her to remain in the house, as 1) I don't want to be a landlord and 2) she wouldn't have any income to maintain the property and land.

Does she know this? How much time will you give her should your DF go first? A live-in girlfriend of eighteen years is a DP, not just a girlfriend. This doesn't sound very nice, please say some sort of provision will be made, or at the very least a reasonable notice period will be given, even if your DF doesn't seem to have bothered to make arrangements for someone he's been with for nearly two decades.
Fittleswade · 31/12/2021 09:44

You couldn't claim on his house even if you wanted to. You must make provision for yourself. And there's a schism in your relationship now, whether you like it or not, a realisation. That caper is painful and I'm sorry.

LethargicActress · 31/12/2021 10:36

Does she know this? How much time will you give her should your DF go first? A live-in girlfriend of eighteen years is a DP, not just a girlfriend. This doesn't sound very nice, please say some sort of provision will be made, or at the very least a reasonable notice period will be given, even if your DF doesn't seem to have bothered to make arrangements for someone he's been with for nearly two decades.

Why is it only one partners responsibility to ‘make provision’ when the other partner has come to the relationship with nothing and has not worked or contributed.

People criticising that posters posters DF, saying he’s man or not very nice, what’s that about? He isn’t obliged to disinherit his children just because he’s had a long term relationship. His house will have half belonged to his late wife, he doesn’t have the moral right to pass that half onto someone else after his death when the late wife would presumably have wanted her share to go to her children upon their fathers death.

Everyone has a responsibility to make provision for their own old age, even more so if they are currently dependent on someone else. Unless married, no one should expect to be provided for by a spouse with existing children.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 31/12/2021 11:10

I’d move out once debts are clear and rent and save for a house deposit. Also you could look at part buy properties. Financial security has got to be your no one priority. I know so many men who have got to late 40’s and decided that want a younger partner, what’s the plan of this happens?