Vaccine arguments are pulling us apart

[SmithCW]

Hi everyone,

This is really hard for me to talk about as I know how judgemental some people are over anything COVID related. So, both me and my husband aren't vaccinated against COVID. At first it was because we weren't old enough (mid 20s) but when it became available for us we, like many of our peers, were hesitant to take the leap. The vaccine felt too new and we knew we would be TTC within the next few months and wanted to make sure it would be safe. My husband felt strongly that he didn't need it (98% survival rate for his age).

Over time there's so much more evidence about the side effects and whatnot and that coupled with the extreme pressures from society I've wanted to get vaccinated for the last few months. Problem is - he doesn't and really doesn't want me to either. His family (my in laws) have flipped and gone massive anti-vaxx in all the crazy extreme ways (they want us to promise we'd never get it) and although my husband isn't like that I can't help but feel he is heavily influenced by his family but he thinks I'm heavily influenced by mine (all had the vaccine and are desperate for me to).

It's hard to put this into words or to make people understand but I now feel CONSTANTLY anxious over this - it's like a dark cloud that follows me around. I feel like a black sheep in society and I HATE IT. But I'm also not ready to risk my marriage over it? I am so scared this will tear us apart and we are only newlyweds. We got married in Aug and have been TTC since. I just don't know what's right here. His family (especially his mum) are so full on about it that I genuinely think they'd cut me out for being vaccinated but I've been with him for 8 years and his parents are like parents to me - I'm so so scared of upsetting them. It's also sooooo hard when your husband is begging for you not to have it. He says he probably will get it eventually but not for a few years when he feels extremely confident that it won't have any future effects on our children and that we can't possibly know it won't for sure as it's not been around long enough.

I know he sounds OTT but he is honestly the most chilled guy - this is so unlike him. I have this fear that if I go and get it he: a) might just leave me. B) if I were to miscarry/ anything wrong with our child he'd blame me C) I'd tear him away from his family. They would bring this up at EVERY family gathering for years to come.

I know a lot of you will just say "your body your choice" and "good riddance" if he'd leave me but in reality that's a very, very different situation. I suppose I'm looking for some GENUINE advice here. I feel like it's breaking me apart and I can't cope anymore but I love him. I'm not stupid or naive here but I want a way to navigate and handle this in the right way.

Sorry for the long post and I hope I don't cause too much controversy- that's not my aim.

You do what you want. If you don't want to tell him then don't. Just protect yourself. Think though about how you will feel if hw stops your child being vaccinated.

It’s not sensible to TTC in this position. It’s your decision to be vaccinated or not. If he and his family are railroading you over this I’d worry about attitude if you have children- will you be pressured to refuse all vaccinations for child. Or will you be pressured to bottle feed, wean on risks at 3 months etc as that’s what they think best.
It’s far riskier for you to be unvaccinated and pregnant so it’s not same decision as him.

Please don't have a baby with him. He's much too controlling. His family are probably getting their info from the university of Facebook.
The reason the vaccine was developed so quickly is because it isn't an absolutely brand new vaccine. It is based on a vaccine that had been developed and proven already.
In November there were 82 Covid patients in my local hospital. Of those, 76 were not vaccinated. Why on earth would you want to be with a man who is INSISTING that you risk your life? And having a baby with him? You do know that stupidity is probably genetic. And he appears to have very strong genes....

I hate how divided society is over this, it makes me really sad and very anxious too.

Ignore everyone else. Take your own decisions which are right for you.

50% of our family have had the vaccination and we had a very amicable Christmas together even though views are very strong on each side and each side thinks the decisions of one side affects the other.

I haven't had the vaccine for various reasons.

Take your own choice. Ignore other people even the husband. Do what feels right for you.

His family (my in laws) have flipped and gone massive anti-vaxx in all the crazy extreme ways (they want us to promise we'd never get it\

I would be extremely wary about continuing involvement with a family that thinks this is even possibly acceptable, let alone a husband who won't tell them to get lost. What is going to happen when your children need vaccinating or other medical treatment?

I’m shocked your husband and in laws are this ignorant and controlling. If I’m honest, it sounds like you’re not entirely sure about the vaccines yourself OP, to be honest. Pregnant women have been urged to get the vaccine, more so since this new variant has emerged so maybe you need to implore him or get someone with actual medical and scientific intelligence and experience to explain the risks. If you decide to get it, I guess you could just go ahead and do it and deal with the fall out later (over something that relates to your own body), I can’t imagine your husband and in laws will abandon you over this. I’d be serious or questioning my choice of life partner and his family here.

@GoodPrincessWenceslas

My husband felt strongly that he didn't need it (98% survival rate for his age)

That's a 1 in 50 chance of dying, and given current case numbers those are not attractive odds. And has he looked into the stats for long term and permanent disability?

This.

People's idea of survival is very different. Personally, having to give up your job and being bedbound for years due to long-term disability arising from Covid would not be my idea of survival.

Personally I'm not vaccinated against Covid as can't see the point - you can still spread and catch it even if vaccinated against it

I took the decision not to be vaccinated because we wanted to TTC and back then they told pregnant women not to get the jab I reasoned if it's not safe for them it's not safe for me who wants to be pregnant soon. I'm now mid 2nd trimester and have no intention of getting the jab - all of my friends who were pregnant at the height of Covid didn't get it and were fine

@wannabeamummysobad, have you not noticed the fact that the vast majority of people ill enough to need intensive care are the unvaccinated, including far too many pregnant women? There have been some dreadfully sad stories of pregnant women dying and/or losing their babies. The point is that, if you are vaccinated, your chances of avoiding serious illness are massively reduced. Just look at the current death rates compared with what they were a year ago pre-vaccine if you want evidence.

@Arabelladrinkstea

I also am waiting until the trial is finished and results are proven before committing to a life long medical procedure.

Trial ?

Personally I'm not vaccinated against Covid as can't see the point - you can still spread and catch it even if vaccinated against it.

Will people PLEASE stop using this ridiculous argument?

@SmithCW you say he says there's a 97% survival rate for his age ?
No one knows how it will affect them. It may not kill him , but he could be very ill.

You say that his mother/family are violently 'anti (all) vaxx'. Your husband has told you that your (future) children will be getting the usual childhood jabs.

What makes you so sure of this? If he's allowed his family to talk him out of the covid jab so easily, why wouldn't he be just as easily talked out of vaxxing your children? It's easy for him to make promises about non-existent children, but how will their 'vaxx fears' affect him once the children and his love and concerns for them are 'real'?

As far as yourself, you do what feels right to you. It IS your body. If you (God forbid) were diagnosed with cancer, would you refuse radiation, chemo, or even an experimental treatment just because his (insane) family thought it 'dangerous'? Don't give other people dominion over your body OR your beliefs.

I couldn't remain in a marriage with someone who thought he should have autonomy over my body, or, God forbid, who thought his parents should, or with one with such a poor grasp of science.

Do not TTC with this man. I would get the vaccine, then leave him and leave clear blue water between him and his thick family. In that order.

If he leaves you for getting an injection then he has a lot of problems and really isn't the right person to be having a family with. Would you tell him that he's not allowed to have a vaccination or you'll leave him? You having it has absolutely no impact on him and even if it did it is your body and your choice.

Please don't do it behind his back, he would have something to hold against you then, lying and deceiving him. You need to tell him and then have it or have it and then tell him. If you feel you have to go behind his back and lie about it then this is not a relationship you should be in anyway.

@SmithCW I'm vaccinated but if I was trying for a baby I think I would hold off and then have the vax after.

Regarding your DH you should be able to voice your own choices and ask him for advice but the final say is down to you and that should be for all things. Its your health OP, your choice.

No one has a right to tell you what to do. You need to make that decision and then decide if you want to tell him. There's no obligation to mention it. I must say though if you can't make your own medical decisions and talk to him I'd really think carefully about how you'd parent together. He seems to feel he has the final say over your body and that's a very bad sign

I have this fear that if I go and get it he: a) might just leave me

If your relationship is that fragile then you need to be seriously worried. In fact it raises a huge red flag for me. If he seeks to stop you having what is now a very well tested vaccine, what more will he stop you doing in the future?

My DP and I disagree over the flu vaccine - he has it, I don't. However I don't disapprove of his action nor he about mine. Our bodies, our choice.

Look at the stats about pregnant women and make up your own mind about the risk

OP I think the issue is how controlling he, and his family is. Disagreeing is part of life - but they want to control what you do.

Imagine having children with this level of threat and pressure.

Honestly - the vaccine is the symptom, not the disease.

So, when you have your dc, he’ll be deciding if he/she will get their vaccines? That’s a risk I wouldn’t be willing to take.
Fuck upsetting other people too. It’s none of their business if you have the Covid vaccine. Just go get it and stop him bossing you about.

You don't want to be TTC with a man who thinks his opinion overrides your bodily autonomy.

Controlling men do not make good partners and they certainly don't make good fathers.

But what’s his reasoning for not getting the vaccine? What is he worried about exactly? It doesn’t sound like he’s actually thought about it logically. The vaccine simply tells your body what to do if it sees the virus. I’m what way is that a bad thing? I want my and my baby’s body to know that, thanks.

They would bring this up at EVERY family gathering for years to come.

I think I'd positively enjoy responding to that one. Something along the lines of "Yes, I had the vaccine, I'm still here, I'm still fine, the children are still fine. Your point is?"

Just do it. He doesn't even have to know - but, having said that I would not want to be worried to someone who is:

• so in thrall to his family that he cannot make his own decisions.
• so out of touch with scientific progress that he is spouting anti-vax stuff.
• who might consider leaving you if you do not do as you are being told.

I would not want to have children with him for sure; definitely not father material.

Oh my god, please just go and get it done. You do not need your twat of a husband’s permission. If he’s willing to throw a new marriage away over it, then you’re better off without him.

But let me tell you about a young woman I know, who didn’t get vaccinated because she was pregnant. She developed Covid. She became desperately unwell. She went into hospital. She was put into an induced coma and put on a ventilator. Her baby was born while she was unconscious via C-section. She’s still in an induced coma now and may never recover. Her baby is several months old and her family and the baby’s father are all muddling along in pieces.

Yes, being young means it’s unlikely but fuck me, it’s not impossible. Get the vaccine.