Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

[Berlyboo]

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

I would not be pleased if DP did this but I’d also be worried as to why he felt he couldn’t approach me about it or talk it through. There are deeper issues to work through here. I wouldn’t immediately want to end my relationship in this situation if all had previously seemed fine - I’d want to talk with a view to understanding his motives as well as expressing my concerns. .

DH wanted a vasectomy, after we'd had a stillbirth and 3 very stressful subsequent pregnancies. I'll admit that I was shell shocked, because a small part of me wanted to have another. But he was really open and honest, and his main concern was losing another baby so late into pregnancy and my well being. I didn't like it, but I saw his point and together we went through the process of booking it.

Had he gone off on his own and made that decision for our family, I'd never have forgiven him. It would be a deal breaker for me, OP, absolutely.

Make up your minds....if women are supposed to have their body their choice....why don't men? If you got pregnant and wanted to terminate, he would have no say in your decision so you could easily do it and not tell him. Why can't he choose?

@CorrBlimeyGG

He has not taken your choices away from you, he has taken responsibility for his own. That's what men are told to do on MN, if they don't want more children then have a vasectomy.

Exactly my thoughts. There must be more to this.

Yanbu - I understand the whole it's his body argument of course but in a relationship this something to discuss. I didn't want my dh to have one either but we discussed it and I said my views but he had one anyway, as is his right. I'm disappointed but that's my issue, if he'd not discussed with at all I would have been hurt and angry.

@Lennybenny

Make up your minds....if women are supposed to have their body their choice....why don't men? If you got pregnant and wanted to terminate, he would have no say in your decision so you could easily do it and not tell him. Why can't he choose?

He can but if the OP was pregnant and decided to have an abortion without telling him I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be happy about it either.

Actions like this have an impact in the other person ad whilst it’s NORMAL for the person to have full autonomy on their body, it’s also NORMAL to talk to your partner about something that will have long term consequences on them/the relationship.

Imagine if a woman was having an abortion wo telling her partner knowing he wanted a child and was against abortion. Wouldnt it be deceitful not telling him and letting him build his life with someone who has such different outlook on life?

In both cases, yes the person can chose what to do with their body.
But they ALSO need to live with the fact their partner might decide to leave/be against that choice. And not telling them ‘because it’s clear how you would react’ is deceitful.

He was happy to have you using hormone based contraception without any need?

He was using a condom without the need.

This is fucking weird and selfish,

@Offmyfence

He was happy to have you using hormone based contraception without any need?

He was using a condom without the need.

This is fucking weird and selfish,

No he wasn't using a condom.

Had you been suggesting another child? Did he have reason to think you might take matters into your own hands. Whilst it's strange he didn't consult with you, i do think he's been very responsible, he knows he does want/can't afford more children and doesn't want the burden to fall on you or future partner. If this is a dealbreaker for you then you have wider issue than him not telling you first (I assume he thought you would try to talk him out of it)

He can but if the OP was pregnant and decided to have an abortion without telling him I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be happy about it either.
He can not be happy all he likes.
A woman has the right to decide whether she wishes to be pregnant and whether she wishes to give birth.

If a woman knows that her partner is the sort of man who'll emotionally blackmail her and try try guilt trip her to changing her mind then it's obvious why she may opt to terminate a pregnancy first.

Equally if a man knows he doesn't want any more children, isn't happy taking the risk of contraceptive failure, and is concerned that his partner might lay on the guilt trip and try to kick the issue into the long grass and revisit it several years then it makes sense that he has a vasectomy

In both situations the person exercising reproductive bodily autonomy also needs to honestly examine their relationship though as a relationship where someone feels they can't have an open adult discussion has substantial problems.

I always thought something so permanent should be discussed. I would happily be sterilised, DH not keen on the idea-it feels to permanent for him.
So I have a 10 year coil fitted. I wouldn’t dream of getting it done anyway without his knowledge.

@PersonaNonGarter

OP, sorry but from the style of your posts you sound very hard to deal with - dramatic and demanding. You have children and he didn’t want more. His body his choice.

I agree

Did he think you would have talked him out of doing it or given him an ultimatum so he just went ahead I had it done?

YABU simply by using the word hubby!

I’d be very upset he felt he couldn’t have discussed the fact he wanted a vasectomy with me but went along with it anyway without telling me, my ex had vasectomy at 26 we didn’t want any more children. I find it equally strange he now wants it reversed it’s not a decision to take lightly, sounds like he wasn’t that sure in the first place, all very strange

@ForagingForMullberries I misread, but he's still
Happy for his wife to use unnecessary hormone contraception. That's still weird.

@Magnited

I lost this thread at 'hubby'.

Nobody cares.

@Mushypeasandchipstogo

YABU simply by using the word hubby!

Is that all you can take from this???
Grow up

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my wifey had her tubes tied.... Its her body and her choice.... But she never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by her choice. She wasn't 100% sure if she wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but she made up her own mind to have the op without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore every time I look at her I feel sick that she took a choice away from me and her to have another baby.... We are both young and she took the choice away from us to have another baby she hurt me so much..... Anyways she is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want her to leave and she won't I just can't forgive her for what she done it makes me sick everyday. She says it will take time for me to get my head around it but she wants to get it reversed as she doesn't feel good about herself any more? 😡 I want her out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

I’m flipping the sexes because I believe every person has complete bodily autonomy, man or woman. Yes the OP should have been told right away, but the OPs reaction to this is that of a coercive person. They’re more upset it was done because they see it as taking a choice away from them....a choice that was never truly theirs, than they are about the secrecy.

It’s clear to me that they were not told, because this exact reaction was expected along with the ensuing (abusive) punishment. Forcing someone to sleep on the couch and still being this angry three months later....well that’s a form of bullying by exclusion and humiliation. Any person subjected to such long term punishment would start to doubt their decision, their reproductive rights over their own body, and begin trying to appease the angry coercive partner.

@Magnited

I lost this thread at 'hubby'.

I felt my eyes roll when I read 'hubby'.

** Yes the OP should have been told right away, but the OPs reaction to this is that of a coercive person. They’re more upset it was done because they see it as taking a choice away from them....a choice that was never truly theirs, than they are about the secrecy.

It’s clear to me that they were not told, because this exact reaction was expected along with the ensuing (abusive) punishment. Forcing someone to sleep on the couch and still being this angry three months later....well that’s a form of bullying by exclusion and humiliation.**

^This. OPs behaviour is abusive.

The whole 'I can't/couldn't forgive him' is total bollocks. There is nothing to forgive. Well maybe the fact that he took a major step without sharing and discussing it first, but he didn't need your permission. His vasectomy, his choice - it's nothing with you and you have nothing to forgive or not forgive about.

They’re more upset it was done because they see it as taking a choice away from them....a choice that was never truly theirs, than they are about the secrecy.
This.

It's hardly surprising the husband isn't feeling good about himself. The response to him exercising bodily autonomy about his reproductive system has been several months on the sofa (which sends a big message to the whole family), being subjected to behaviour that's quite unpleasant for several months.

Between him now mentioning a reversal and the OP saying she wants him to leave, it seems like the OP's ongoing behaviour over several months is quite concerning and more centred around her getting whatever outcome she wants.

Reversing the sexes doesn't work.

A man would not be risking his health unnecessarily taking hormonal contraception.

A man would not be wasting precious fertile years staying in a marriage having been led to believe that further children were a possibility.

The impact on OP as a woman is very different than a man in the reverse situation (I.e. his wife secretly had her tubes tied and allowed him to continue believing that more children were a possibility). The dishonesty would still be utterly wrong but the implications very different.

Why did you feel the need to post then if you have no interest in the thread? Such responses are just annoying

I understand the whole it's his body argument of course but in a relationship this something to discuss

I think we can all agree on this, so what's left is wondering why he didn't feel able to say what he was planning

I'm not going to assume he was somehow being abused, even though that assumption often crops up on here when a woman feels unable to "say something", but anyway that's where discussion comes in

It's just a pity that, for whatever reason, it didn't happen before he took this step