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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

590 replies

Berlyboo · 28/12/2021 11:44

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

OP posts:
madisonbridges · 28/12/2021 14:31

He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children

Regardless of what he said or what you believed you heard him saying, he obviously WAS 100% sure.

NdujaWannaDance · 28/12/2021 14:34

But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby..

He took the choice away from you as soon as he made the decision he didn't want more children. All the vasectomy has done is protect him from any BC accidents and also from any emotional manipulation on your part to try to change his mind.

My birth control has us safe for five years so if he was 100% didnt want anymore children why not put on a condom

Men get it drummed into them over and over than no BC is 100% safe and the only way to take full control of their own fertility is to have a vasectomy or abstain from sex. Lots of people (men and women) really dislike condoms.

Honestly if he had of spoken to me about it I would have asked him to wait my contraception is in me for five years. I would never ever even think of getting it taking out without him knowing.....

Your contraception could fail. He would have no right to an opinion on how you chose to proceed with an accidental pregnancy. He would be completely at the mercy of your decision either way.

And women come off BC (or just don't use it properly on purpose) without telling their partners all the time.

I don't know why he didn't tell you, but judging by your reaction to this I guess it's because he knew he'd get huge amounts of grief and you'd do eveything in your power to change his mind.

He has a right to make that decision for himself without pressure from anyone else. You already have children. He hasn't deprived you of motherhood. He doesn't have to hand over his fertility to you, to decide when, how and if it should be ended.

Outlyingtrout · 28/12/2021 14:34

@Grandmotherschina

Good for him. He made a decision about his future responsibilities.

If a man posted on here saying his wife had her tubes tied without discussion there would be fucking uproar

Of course he's entitled to have the procedure and decide he doesn't want more children without his wife's agreement. That's not the issue and I'm baffled so many people aren't able to grasp it. The issue is that he lied to his wife about it, knowing that she (and he) had previously discussed the possibility of more children. He should have told her his decision so that she could decide whether or not it was important to her to have more children and could leave the marriage if necessary. Also so she could stop risking her health with hormonal contraceptives.
Outlyingtrout · 28/12/2021 14:37

He has a right to make that decision for himself without pressure from anyone else. You already have children. He hasn't deprived you of motherhood. He doesn't have to hand over his fertility to you, to decide when, how and if it should be ended.

By not telling her, this is exactly what he has done to OP. She deserves to know that the previously discussed possibility of more children is now off the table (as is his right) because she has a right to decide how to use her fertility and to end the marriage and have more children with someone else if that's important to her.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 28/12/2021 14:37

@blubberyboo

Forgetting about the whole having more kids thing…I think the biggest issue here is that a husband would have a whole medical procedure done without talking to his wife. There is something fundamentally wrong in the marriage so yanbu to be off kilter about the whole thing
Could just as well be a valid reason that the OP hasn't disclosed if we're going to make leaps like that...
ChateauxNeufDePoop · 28/12/2021 14:46

@CatJumperTwat

Please link to a thread where the consensus advice has been "man should get a vasectomy in secret. I'll wait

Thousands

"Condoms or the snip yadda, yadda, yadda". He took control of his contraception.

There's more to this than the partner sneaking off to have his whatever gets cut, cut.

RampantIvy · 28/12/2021 14:52

I thought it was quite difficult to get this procedure done, especially if the man is young. Don't they get advice before proceeding? Surely they woud have picked up that he wasn't sure? I'm not convinced this was rushed through.

ThirdElephant · 28/12/2021 14:57

I think he's made the right call here to have it done if he was that sure he didn't want any more kids. He doesn't need your permission. Yes, an FYI would have been nice but, given your reaction I can kinda see why he didn't want to risk it.

BigYellowHat · 28/12/2021 14:58

I’d be annoyed about the deception but not the vasectomy. My cousin’s marriage broke up after she insisted on a fourth child and her husband didn’t want one. Her DH and the child never bonded my cousin and her husband just grew apart. Maybe your husband just wanted to enjoy what you have already and not risk a situation like that?

happychristmasbum · 28/12/2021 14:58

I would be livid and could not forgive such a betrayal.

If you want him out you will have to start divorce proceedings. Flowers

guardiansofthegalaxychocs · 28/12/2021 15:01

It’s a very bizarre thing to do without discussing with your spouse. I’d be outraged.

emsmar · 28/12/2021 15:01

@CorrBlimeyGG

He has not taken your choices away from you, he has taken responsibility for his own. That's what men are told to do on MN, if they don't want more children then have a vasectomy.
Absolutely
CounsellorTroi · 28/12/2021 15:03

@ThirdElephant

I think he's made the right call here to have it done if he was that sure he didn't want any more kids. He doesn't need your permission. Yes, an FYI would have been nice but, given your reaction I can kinda see why he didn't want to risk it.
I agree. Even in a committed relationship partners don’t own each other’s fertility or owe each other children. Especially where there are already children.
PWYP76 · 28/12/2021 15:07

He didn't want you to talk him out of it, so did it anyway.

He now only wants a reversal because you are making him 'pay'.

You're mismatched in communicating.

Outlyingtrout · 28/12/2021 15:13

@CatJumperTwat

Please link to a thread where the consensus advice has been "man should get a vasectomy in secret. I'll wait

@ChateauxNeufDePoop

Thousands

"Condoms or the snip yadda, yadda, yadda". He took control of his contraception

Take control of his fertility, yes. Do it secretly when you have previously discussed the possibility of more children? I've never seen a thread with that advice and that's what @CatJumperTwat was asking.

He has the right to decide when his fertility ends. She has the right to know that hers has also been ended as far as her marriage goes, so that she can make the decision to leave and have further children with someone else if that's what she wants.

TurquoiseDragon · 28/12/2021 15:20

Having a vasectomy is one thing. Having a vasectomy and not telling your partner so that she spends possibly years labouring under the false belief that they might one day have more children, potentially wasting valuable fertile years for her, is another. Do you honestly think that’s ok?

I agree.

Yes, his body, his choice, but that doesn't and shouldn't mean that he keeps quiet about it. OP does have a right to at least know so she can make her own informed decisions.

StormzyinaTCup · 28/12/2021 15:20

think he's made the right call here to have it done if he was that sure he didn't want any more kids. He doesn't need your permission. Yes, an FYI would have been nice but, given your reaction I can kinda see why he didn't want to risk it.

I agree to a point, however, as far as the OP was concerned the door was left open, by both of them, of possibly adding to their family in the future. Her DH has, unbeknown to the OP, made a unilateral decision and taken unilateral action that firmly shuts the door on that being a possible option for the two of them as a partnership/couple.

LostForIdeas · 28/12/2021 15:21

@ThirdElephant

I think he's made the right call here to have it done if he was that sure he didn't want any more kids. He doesn't need your permission. Yes, an FYI would have been nice but, given your reaction I can kinda see why he didn't want to risk it.
Strange he is now talking about having a reversal etc… then isnt it?

Like he wasn’t actually sure about it all….

WonderfulYou · 28/12/2021 15:25

Strange he is now talking about having a reversal etc… then isnt it?

Like he wasn’t actually sure about it all….

That’s only because OP is guilt tripping him into saying those things.

If he wanted a reversal he could have got one already.
Why wait until after OP accidentally found out?

Actions speak louder than words.
He doesn’t want anymore children.

gamerchick · 28/12/2021 15:36

I don't understand. Vasectomies are not easy to get when young are they? It's not just a case of a quick phone call and how could he hide the massive nads and John Wayne walking?

3scape · 28/12/2021 15:36

Astrange thing not to discuss. But it is his body. I think his right to his bodily autonomy is something that should be of greater importance in a relationship than the potential for children that you're both not even sure about. Did you just see him as some sort of breeding stock? It's a bit reductionist

3scape · 28/12/2021 15:38

My exes vasectomy (the cauterisation sort) was just pain killers and an afternoon off work. He didn't seem to have a big recovery time.

2bazookas · 28/12/2021 15:39

Maybe he got it done because he's having sex with someone else who does not use reliable contraception. Or, he plans to.

I can't think of another reason a longterm partner would conceal it from you.

FabulousMrFifty · 28/12/2021 15:39

I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.

100% His body his choice, however even if they had the discussion prior to the Operation it would ultimately still be his body his choice, if he doesn’t want to father any more children, that is his choice and his alone, even if that choice would have ended the marriage it’s still ultimately his choice.

GatoradeMeBitch · 28/12/2021 15:42

I hate the fact that "x body x choice" has been co-opted for every bloody thing these days, but you can't say "his body his choice" then immediately contradict yourself. If it's his choice what would a discussion achieve, except to try to talk him out of his choice?

You seem a bit overblown in how you're speaking. You can't find him unappealing because of the vasectomy, because you have been having sex with him that way before you knew about it. Also, your lives together weren't perfect if he didn't think he could talk to you about this big decision he reached.

If you feel you can't trust him anymore, make a clean break. But don't wallow in drama for years instead. It won't do any of you any good. Divorce him now and you can find someone else to have another kid with.