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Original poster

Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

590 replies

Berlyboo · 28/12/2021 11:44

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 28/12/2021 16:45

@Outlyingtrout

Reversing the sexes doesn't work.

A man would not be risking his health unnecessarily taking hormonal contraception.

A man would not be wasting precious fertile years staying in a marriage having been led to believe that further children were a possibility.

The impact on OP as a woman is very different than a man in the reverse situation (I.e. his wife secretly had her tubes tied and allowed him to continue believing that more children were a possibility). The dishonesty would still be utterly wrong but the implications very different.

A man wouldn't have a say in whether or not an unplanned pregnancy continued
JustLyra · 28/12/2021 16:47

@BellatricksStrange

The whole 'I can't/couldn't forgive him' is total bollocks. There is nothing to forgive. Well maybe the fact that he took a major step without sharing and discussing it first, but he didn't need your permission. His vasectomy, his choice - it's nothing with you and you have nothing to forgive or not forgive about.
His decision to hide it is absolutely something that a spouse would have to decide if they could forgive or not.

The husband is completely entitled to make whatever choices he wants about his fertility. Hiding it from the person he’s discussing potentially having more children or not is absolutely not on.

It’s no more acceptable than a female having an agreed form of contraception removed without giving her husband a heads up.

No-one should be making choices about having, or not, having another child without at least informing their spouse of their decision to allow them to make their decisions about the future.

EmpressCixi · 28/12/2021 16:47

@Outlyingtrout

Reversing the sexes doesn't work.

A man would not be risking his health unnecessarily taking hormonal contraception.

A man would not be wasting precious fertile years staying in a marriage having been led to believe that further children were a possibility.

The impact on OP as a woman is very different than a man in the reverse situation (I.e. his wife secretly had her tubes tied and allowed him to continue believing that more children were a possibility). The dishonesty would still be utterly wrong but the implications very different.

It does work to reverse the sexes. Because the criteria to reverse sexes isn’t “would it be exactly same situation” because that would be biologically impossible. The criteria is “is it serious enough such that both sexes should have equal rights”.

Yes a woman risks more than a man during pregnancy. But so what? That’s not enough reason to deny men equal reproductive rights.

The decision to have and raise a child is for the rest of your life to be a parent. Men are affected a little less than women, but the impact is enough such that they too have complete bodily autonomy over their reproductive rights. That’s why it’s a human right. The impact is enough for all humans, the fact it affects women a bit more doesn’t make it not apply to men.

In an exactly reversed situation the man would also be risking wasted fertile years thinking future healthy children may be a possibility. Male fertility is a scientific fact and even though much older men can impregnate a much younger woman, they may not even live long enough to raise any resultant child.

GoodForTheSoul · 28/12/2021 16:47

Why do you keep saying "we were so perfect" when that clearly isn't the case? You have a serious communication problem, you have a very dramatic reaction to his decision claiming it is now making you feel sick to be near him, he is still not being honest by not givig you the real reason he had the procedure (open your eyes, he didn't want more kids)... Come on.

pradavilla · 28/12/2021 16:48

I think you are over reacting. He shouldn't have done it without at least telling you. However it was his choice. He wasn't taking that choice away from you but making sure he cld no longer have children.

So as it seems u want to end the relationship over it, you are now free to have more kids with whoever you choose.

SpookyScarySkeletons · 28/12/2021 16:48

It is his body and it is his choice. But having it done without any sort of discussion would be a deal breaker for me.

I would class it as the same level as having an early termination and not telling until afterwards.

Fertility and pregnancy needs to be a discussion between you. Not one persons decision.

sjxoxo · 28/12/2021 16:50

My guy feeling here is that he knew he didn’t want more children. Otherwise why on earth would you do this. I think he was sure… why he didn’t share that with you god knows!
Now he wants a reversal; maybe because he’s seen how upset you are? Perhaps he didn’t think you would want to end things.. can’t say but I think the lack of communication from him is a real red flag & honestly I don’t think it’s very feasible to come back from such a lack of openness about something so huge. Xo

EmpressCixi · 28/12/2021 16:50

A man would not be risking his health unnecessarily taking hormonal contraception.

Oh give over. GPS regularly prescribe hormonal contraception to treat teenage spots. Hormonal contraception is extremely safe with minuscule risks. It’s not some massive risk to your health.

Feelingoktoday · 28/12/2021 16:53

@JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam

I always thought something so permanent should be discussed. I would happily be sterilised, DH not keen on the idea-it feels to permanent for him. So I have a 10 year coil fitted. I wouldn’t dream of getting it done anyway without his knowledge.
In an ideal world it should be discussed but there really is no compromise on whether an adult wants children or not. It’s not a maybe, it’s yes or no. Just like sex really. What did the H have to gain by discussing it with the wife except her trying to persuade him to wait, and then “accidentally getting pregnant”. He took the decision in his own hands and I think that’s what the OP and other posters find hard to comprehend - that a man made his own mind up about his fertility. We moan at men for not taking the responsibility yet here is a man who has done that and now his wife is abusing him. I would tell her to F off if that was me.
Feelingoktoday · 28/12/2021 16:56

@SpookyScarySkeletons

It is his body and it is his choice. But having it done without any sort of discussion would be a deal breaker for me.

I would class it as the same level as having an early termination and not telling until afterwards.

Fertility and pregnancy needs to be a discussion between you. Not one persons decision.

Yet women have surprise pregnancies all the time even though they supposedly were on the pill.
SpookyScarySkeletons · 28/12/2021 16:59

@Feelingoktoday as far as we know the OP hasn't had an accidental pregnancy so I'm not sure what your comment is bringing to this conversation.

Feelingoktoday · 28/12/2021 17:01

[quote SpookyScarySkeletons]@Feelingoktoday as far as we know the OP hasn't had an accidental pregnancy so I'm not sure what your comment is bringing to this conversation. [/quote]
A poster said pregnancy should be a discussion. Often it is and often it isn’t.

CHRISTMASISCANCELED · 28/12/2021 17:02

Get some counselling OP and try to see if your marriage can survive this. It would be a shame to end your marriage over this is everything was otherwise going well before the incident (secrecy). Your husband has every right to make decisions regarding his body but should have informed you of his decision at the time he made it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/12/2021 17:03

But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore

Either you have some counselling to talk through this or the relationship is dead in the water.

Did you actually WANT any more children? Or are you just pissed off that he took a decision about his own body and future without your permission? You do sound very controlling to be honest.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/12/2021 17:07

I disagree with a lot of the views on here. I have always felt that unilaterally deciding about whether to have a child or not should never be taken without discussion.

Him deciding to have a vasectomy and making the decision for both of them without discussion is no different to the OP deciding to have her implant taken out without telling him.....after all....her body her choice right?!

Neither of those things would be ok and I would never be able to trust him again.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/12/2021 17:08

Second sentence makes no sense!

No one has the right to unilaterally decide whether to have a child or not, the decision should be made after them both discussing it.

EmpressCixi · 28/12/2021 17:11

@PyongyangKipperbang

Second sentence makes no sense!

No one has the right to unilaterally decide whether to have a child or not, the decision should be made after them both discussing it.

So a woman needs the fathers permission to get a termination?
TheHamburgler · 28/12/2021 17:11

No one has the right to unilaterally decide whether to have a child or not, the decision should be made after them both discussing it.
Wow. Beyond creepy.

FabulousMrFifty · 28/12/2021 17:12

@Berlyboo
What would have been your response if your husband had told you he didn’t want to father anymore children and was thinking about having a vasectomy?

Thatsplentyjack · 28/12/2021 17:14

@PersonaNonGarter

I just can't forgive him we both were unsure of kids in the future but he made the choice for us and it's not nice we were so perfect and I just can't see us ever being that way again.... The sickening feeling everyday is horrible

FGS. You are deluded and dramatic. Calm down. Everything wasn’t ‘perfect’ - your DH literally couldn’t speak to you about what he wanted. And your response has shown he was right to be worried.

This sums up exactly what I was thinking.
TheHamburgler · 28/12/2021 17:16

No one has the right to unilaterally decide whether to have a child or not, the decision should be made after them both discussing it.

Sorry, I think I took the opposite meaning from this post than was intended.

ForagingForMullberries · 28/12/2021 17:17

@PyongyangKipperbang

Second sentence makes no sense!

No one has the right to unilaterally decide whether to have a child or not, the decision should be made after them both discussing it.

I disagree and find what you said to be very disturbing. If a woman wants an abortion it is NOT any business of the man. It is her decision and her decision only. What you are saying is that if the man decides he wants to keep the baby, then she must gestate against her will. That is wrong, and the implications of what you said are dire.

While both should communicate, it ultimately is 100% unilaterally the decision of the pregnant woman. Or man after a vasectomy, in this case. To say otherwise is to render a person without body autonomy.

I do agree with others on reflection that the OP seems over-dramatic and very coercive and controlling, and quite abusive. So I can see why the husband chose to do it and not tell her. Just as I would understand a woman in a similar coercive, controlling and abusive relationship to have an abortion without telling her partner she was pregnant.

At the end of the day, fertility is always, ALWAYS a 100% unilateral decision.

SpookyScarySkeletons · 28/12/2021 17:18

@PyongyangKipperbang

Second sentence makes no sense!

No one has the right to unilaterally decide whether to have a child or not, the decision should be made after them both discussing it.

I can see the point you are making here.

It should be a discussion and a decision that pith parents agree to.

But the act of a permanent procedure to guarantee no more children must be something that is discussed and decided together too.

Offmyfence · 28/12/2021 17:20

@BellatricksStrange

The whole 'I can't/couldn't forgive him' is total bollocks. There is nothing to forgive. Well maybe the fact that he took a major step without sharing and discussing it first, but he didn't need your permission. His vasectomy, his choice - it's nothing with you and you have nothing to forgive or not forgive about.
Apart from he's still getting his wife to use hormonal contraception? He's a selfish bastard.
Greensmoothie1 · 28/12/2021 17:22

If he told you then would you have tried to stop him? He obviously doesn’t want more dc (how many do you have?) and a vasectomy is the best way to prevent pregnancy. Condoms and hormonal contraceptives are not 100%.