Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

590 replies

Berlyboo · 28/12/2021 11:44

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 28/12/2021 13:50

I’m all for the his body his choice but the issue for me would be a lack of discussion around the issue and the key question is ‘how did you find out’?

We don’t actually know that there was no discussion around the issue of his having a vasectomy. We only know from the OP that he had it without telling her he was going to. Which he shouldn’t have of course. But perhaps he knew she wouldn’t want it.

Almost2022 · 28/12/2021 13:51

How many children do you have Op?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/12/2021 13:52

He didn't have the guts to say to her I dont want any more children and I'm having a vasectomy and I'm pretty sure if she'd said let's try for another baby he'd have said OK and not told her. And he's too dumb to cover his tracks. That would be the end for me.

FreedomFaith · 28/12/2021 13:53

@Magnited

I lost this thread at 'hubby'.
Too complicated for you is it? Hubby translates to husband. Its one of those shortened versions of a word.

Anyway op, I get why you're upset, but says a lot about your relationship that he felt he couldn't tell you. You need counselling, even if you end up splitting up anyway, you both need counselling together and separately, so you don't feel angry about this forever. Maybe you can get over it, but if not it may help with some closure on the relationship.

Rosebel · 28/12/2021 13:53

Can he even get it reversed? My husband was told his couldn't be reversed.
I can understand why you're angry but leaving him seems well extreme. Do you just see him as a sperms donner? It reads that way as you aren't interested now he can't give you more children.
What if you had got pregnant and wanted an abortion. Who's choice is it?

VanGoghsDog · 28/12/2021 13:54

@Iwonder08

Vasectomy is not a walk in a park. I can't imagine him coming home after the procedure and not spending several days with ice packs moaning. Haven't you really noticed anything? I am sure there must be a reason why he decided to hide it from you. Have you always had an open and honest conversations about children with no drama?
I've known two men have vasectomies, neither spent days with ice packs moaning.

One was fine after a cup of tea and a snooze, the other went on a ten mile hike with me the following day. The only thing that was a bit painful was getting an erection for a few days afterwards. Or so they both told me.

ForagingForMullberries · 28/12/2021 13:56

@Iwonder08 Many men go back to work the very next day, some even the very afternoon after it. So it being that painful for days is a rarity I think.

SocialConnection · 28/12/2021 13:59

Stop punishing him.

His body, his choice, yes, but he should have discussed with you. Same as if you'd had the equivalent done without telling him.

You can't change that he did it. You can change how you behave around it. You need couples counselling to work out why he felt he had to tiptoe round you and make his choice in secret.

You have, as you say, happy healthy children, which many women here would give their all for. Time to sort your issue out and give them parents who communicate together.

caringcarer · 28/12/2021 13:59

When my ex h had a vasectomy we discussed it first and agreed. I had to go to see his GP with him before GP would do surgery. He rested in afternoon and was fine next day. No sex for a week. After that fine. Unless I knew about exh having it I probably might not have guessed.

CovidCorvid · 28/12/2021 13:59

@CorrBlimeyGG

He has not taken your choices away from you, he has taken responsibility for his own. That's what men are told to do on MN, if they don't want more children then have a vasectomy.
Which is fair enough but you still talk about it. I don’t mean asking permission but having communication.

I got sterilised, dh wasn’t sure about it but I was sure I didn’t want more kids. He didn’t have a choice, but we did discuss it.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 28/12/2021 14:00

@KohlaParasaurus

YOUR contraceptive method and your use of it may be highly reliable, but maybe you are not the only woman your DH is at risk of getting pregnant. I would be furious in your position, OP, but also a little suspicious.
Eh? That’s quite a leap!
CatJumperTwat · 28/12/2021 14:03

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Please link to a thread where the consensus advice has been "man should get a vasectomy in secret." I'll wait

Interesting extra couple of words you tacked on there, CatJumperTwat
As I'm sure you're aware, I wasn't making an issue of men getting vasectomies "in secret"; instead I was highlighting the double standards around anyone being told what to do with their body

Nice try though Wink

You're pointing out the double standards of people being given completely different advice? As I'm sure you're aware, you made a stupid point and can't back it up.
blubberyboo · 28/12/2021 14:07

Forgetting about the whole having more kids thing…I think the biggest issue here is that a husband would have a whole medical procedure done without talking to his wife. There is something fundamentally wrong in the marriage so yanbu to be off kilter about the whole thing

WonderfulYou · 28/12/2021 14:10

We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much.

He doesn’t want more children.
You do want more children.

The reason he says he’s not sure and then went behind your back to have a surgical procedure is because he’s worried you would leave him over it if your desire to have more children is greater than bring with him.

He should have told you 100% but I think you would have tried to talk him out of it or given him an ultimatum which was why he did it sneakily.

I do wonder how long it would have taken him to tell you or if he ever would have.

GettingStuffed · 28/12/2021 14:11

I told my husband I was being sterilised and that was it apart from why. My obstetrician told me I was at high risk of dying in a subsequent pregnancy, I would have loved a fourth but I was never going to. I wonder why he thought he had to hide it from you.

girlmom21 · 28/12/2021 14:11

You keep saying he wasn't sure whether he wanted more kids or not but getting a vasectomy would suggest he's just said that because he didn't want to tell you he didn't want more kids.

He shouldn't have lied to you or kept it hidden but he wanted to be certain you weren't going to get pregnant and you openly admit you wouldn't have wanted him to get it done.

Have you discussed it previously?

Postdatedpandemic · 28/12/2021 14:15

@Berlyboo all your posts on this thread have been you transmitting your feelings and version of events. You have been asked many questions and failed to engage.
Are you ever in a mood to receive? Get some counselling and find out why you fail to engage in two way discussions.
On the face of it, he was fairly unreasonable but he may have felt it was his only option.

Hankunamatata · 28/12/2021 14:16

How many kids do you have?

Ourlady · 28/12/2021 14:17

Have you asked him when he was planning on telling you?
Is it when your 5 year contraception in plant ran out?
I would be furious.
He sounds like a right idiot and obviously not exactly the person you thought he was!

Tal45 · 28/12/2021 14:17

Unless this is an abusive relationship blaming the OP for him not telling her is just victim blaming IMO. If he feels he can't tell her something as important as this for whatever reason then he needs to leave the relationship, not hide it and keep her in the dark. More likely he couldn't be bothered to cope with her being upset so he just did it behind her back for a quiet life.

I'd suggest he is a weak people pleaser OP, you have every right to be disappointed and upset if he doesn't want more kids and you do, and every right to feel angry that he did this without even telling you afterwards. You shouldn't have to pretend you have no emotions just to keep him happy or to prevent him doing things behind your back, that's the kind of 'be kind' nonsense that silences women.

That said if this has been a long and happy relationship then it's probably worth trying counselling. I wonder if it has been a long and happy relationship for him though? I had a similar but different situation with my OH of 20 years, turned out he'd never actually wanted to be with me, I had absolutely no idea as he'd lied and gas lit me so much.

Dozer · 28/12/2021 14:18

How many DC do you currently have?

Don’t think he was U to have a vasectomy against your wishes, but if he wasn’t sure that he didn’t want more DC it was foolish of him to have the procedure. He was also wrong to lie to you.

You’re still so angry with him several months on that you’re effectively separated but co-habiting. If you can’t ‘move on’ better to separate properly than to continue in limbo.

Sillyotter · 28/12/2021 14:19

I think the bigger issue is for whatever reason he couldn’t be honest with you and is now seemingly back-pedalling in order to keep you happy. Does he normally go along with what you want or leave decisions up to you?

Offmyfence · 28/12/2021 14:20

@Dozer

How many DC do you currently have?

Don’t think he was U to have a vasectomy against your wishes, but if he wasn’t sure that he didn’t want more DC it was foolish of him to have the procedure. He was also wrong to lie to you.

You’re still so angry with him several months on that you’re effectively separated but co-habiting. If you can’t ‘move on’ better to separate properly than to continue in limbo.

OP has asked him to leave.

OP YANBU.

I'd be very angry and upset about this.

AnotherEmma · 28/12/2021 14:24

So you're 33? How many children do you have and how old are they?

I don't think he is unreasonable to get a vasectomy, but he is obviously unreasonable not to have discussed it with you or even told you. I understand why you feel betrayed.

I would try couple's counselling if he is open to it.

LolaSmiles · 28/12/2021 14:26

Forgetting about the whole having more kids thing…I think the biggest issue here is that a husband would have a whole medical procedure done without talking to his wife. There is something fundamentally wrong in the marriage so yanbu to be off kilter about the whole thing
Agreed that there's something fundamentally wrong if one person feels they are better off making close to permanent reproductive choices without speaking to their spouse. He should have informed her that he was either having it done or had just had it done.

I don't buy the idea that everything in the marriage was perfect until this point, though the OP has suggested everything was great and perfect up till now.

Swipe left for the next trending thread