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Original poster

Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

590 replies

Berlyboo · 28/12/2021 11:44

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

OP posts:
DeadButDelicious · 29/12/2021 11:59

The issue here isn't really that he's had a vasectomy, the issue here is that he seems to make big decisions seemingly at random and then lies and sneaks about covering it all up. I don't believe his 'I was just being a stupid arsehole' bit for a second, that sounds like someone who's been busted and is now desperately trying to back peddle and minimise the situation in the face of an understandably pissed off wife.

Honestly I'm amazed you didn't notice something was up, my husband was walking about like John Wayne for a couple of days after his with his little bag of frozen peas. It's almost impressive that he's managed to hide it so well. Hmm

The bare bones of the matter is that he's had a vasectomy and he's lied through his teeth. You need to decide if that's a deal breaker for you. I wouldn't get caught up in the idea of a reversal, they aren't guaranteed to work and it's very, very, unlikely to be funded on the NHS so he'd have to pay for that himself, I would view this as the permanent solution it's intended as and make my decision based on that. If I were in your shoes the duplicity would be much more of an issue than the snip.

NdujaWannaDance · 29/12/2021 12:06

I don't think the OP has answered the many people who have asked

How many children do you have?
How old are they?
Were they all planned and agreed to in advance by both of you?

I feel knowing that might add some useful context.

JustLyra · 29/12/2021 12:18

@NdujaWannaDance

Taking that choice away from your spouse is unacceptable. Everyone is entitled to make their decisions about long term fertility. Having your choice and deliberately denying your spouse theirs isn’t on.

Well that makes no sense at all and you've contradicted yourself. If you both want different things then you can't possibly work as a couple and both get what you want, where having more children is concerned. You You either agree to have them or you agree not to. One partner is always going to have to capitulate to the other unless they split up.

I think it's an entirely different conversation if you already have children (plural) than if you have none, or only one though.

None then it really is unforgivable to not discuss it and it would probably end the marriage even if he did tell her in advance.

A singleton child when one of you longs for a second, well that can be more easily negotiated I suppose. Once you are parents does it really matter whether it's to one or two? And there are obvious advantages for the child in having a sibling. But at least you do have a child, so perhaps you can come to terms with not having another.

When you already have at least 2 children then it becomes much harder to justify putting pressure on a partner who is not keen to have more, and although I understand that there might be some disappointment at not having had a 3rd or a 4th, it does come across as a bit petulant to act like your life has been ruined because of it.

It’s not a contradiction at all.

He took away her right to decide if she wanted to stay with him knowing he’d taken permanent steps, or if she wanted to leave have children alone or with someone else.

He wanted to have his choice and keep his marriage and to do that he denied her her right, and has admitted he has no idea when he’d have told her, because it suited him.

It doesn’t matter if you, I, Mrs Bloggs next door, or anyone wouldn’t leave a marriage to have more children. The only person who should have had the choice to decide to stay or leave after his decision was the OP. And he decided it was his right to take that from her for an indefinite period. Because what he wanted, both in terms of children and the marriage, was more important than her right to choose what she wanted re the marriage.

CounsellorTroi · 29/12/2021 12:24

@NdujaWannaDance

I don't think the OP has answered the many people who have asked

How many children do you have?
How old are they?
Were they all planned and agreed to in advance by both of you?

I feel knowing that might add some useful context.

This. All the OP says is that he had a vasectomy without telling her. I asked upthread if they had ever discussed him having one but she didn’t answer. I just can’t help feeling there is a lot the OP isn’t telling us.
whywouldntyou · 29/12/2021 12:42

Did he have it to make absolutely sure you couldn't have any more kids together? If you were responsible for contraception and he said said ' no more' would you have taken matters into your own hands? So "forget" to take the pill? Perhaps he had it done without telling you because he doesn't trust you to be responsible for contraception?

girlmom21 · 29/12/2021 12:44

@PussGirl

A friend of mine found out her husband had had a vasectomy while going through fertility investigations. All was well with her & he didn't mention it until he had a completely sperm free sample result Shock

He'd had it done before they married, knowing she wanted children Angry

Swiftly divorced - she remarried & had a daughter

To even start fertility investigations before telling the truth is disgusting. That poor woman.
NdujaWannaDance · 29/12/2021 12:47

All the OP says is that he had a vasectomy without telling her. I asked upthread if they had ever discussed him having one but she didn’t answer. I just can’t help feeling there is a lot the OP isn’t telling us

I'd also be interested in knowing the sexes. For all we know she could have five boys but can't stop dreaming of her little princess and it hurts her heart every day that she doesn't a baby girl in her arms, or some such bollocks.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/12/2021 12:52

Perhaps he had it done without telling you because he doesn't trust you to be responsible for contraception?

We can't possibly know, but maybe that's why a few answers to posters' many questions would have been useful

There's no obligation on anyone to answer anything of course, but all the same a bit of context might have been handy

ispepsiokay · 29/12/2021 12:59

He's made a choice that he doesn't want to have more children. You are still able to have children should you choose. The only thing he's taken from you is the possibility of an 'accidental pregnancy' or the pressure to have a child he's not 100% committed to wanting.

The fact that you openly admit you would have tried to convince him against a vasectomy shows that you would have little interest in his own wants.

AffableApple · 29/12/2021 13:05

I don't understand why he wants to get it reversed if he's being as super responsible as everyone seems to think he's being? (Rather than just being a knob.) What happens when OP's contraception runs out in five years? Does he get it done again? This man is all ego. Not feeling manly enough after the snip, eh? Fair enough to not want any more kids, but tell your life partner FFS.

NdujaWannaDance · 29/12/2021 13:07

There's no obligation on anyone to answer anything of course, but all the same a bit of context might have been handy

I agree and for the second time in 24 hours I find myself saying on here that when an OP is bit sketchy on detail and they repeatedly avoid answering questions that would fill in the blanks, it's usually because it doesn't serve their interests to have us understand the full story.

JustLyra · 29/12/2021 14:01

@whywouldntyou

Did he have it to make absolutely sure you couldn't have any more kids together? If you were responsible for contraception and he said said ' no more' would you have taken matters into your own hands? So "forget" to take the pill? Perhaps he had it done without telling you because he doesn't trust you to be responsible for contraception?
She’s already said that she has a coil fitted as a result of their decision to want something longer term.
Cakeelf · 29/12/2021 14:26

His testicles, his choice! The man is more than just a sperm bank

LostForIdeas · 29/12/2021 15:31

@Cakeelf

His testicles, his choice! The man is more than just a sperm bank
But now he wants to have it reversed! So what does that man actually want?

He has been told that the relationship is finished but he is refusing to move out.
He decided to have a vasectomy behind his partner’s back but now has changed his mind.

It sounds like either he has no clue of what he wants or wants everything his way (no more children but the marriage still in good shape) or …. He is lying again?

Who knows 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

What is sure is that ‘his testicles , his choice’ isn’t really holding water just right now….

rainbowstardrops · 29/12/2021 15:35

@Cakeelf

His testicles, his choice! The man is more than just a sperm bank

Wow. Just wow.
Have you completely overlooked the fact that he has been deceitful to his life partner by not even discussing this life changing event and then hiding it from her?!

I honestly question whether some of the comments on MN sometimes, come from a parallel universe to the one I live in.

FrippEnos · 29/12/2021 16:01

LostForIdeas

But now he wants to have it reversed!
So what does that man actually want?

No man ever just has this done.
I (like others on the thread) do not believe that the OP is being entirely honest.

Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭
ForagingForMullberries · 29/12/2021 16:44

Yes the OP is avoiding answering any questions. Added to her histrionic and overwrought behaviour in her first post, I suggest as I said, there is a reason he is fearful of her.

girlmom21 · 29/12/2021 17:02

But now he wants to have it reversed!
So what does that man actually want?

He wants to say the right thing to stop her ending the marriage... that's quite clear.

He doesn't want more kids because he wouldn't have had a vasectomy if he did.

He didn't tell OP because he knew what her response would be like. And he was right, wasn't he.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/12/2021 17:08

Have you completely overlooked the fact that he has been deceitful to his life partner by not even discussing this life changing event and then hiding it from her?!

I don't think anyone's "overlooked" that; in fact practically everyone's agreed that it's really not the thing to do

What some of us are wondering, however, is WHY he did it and what the backstory leading to this might be ... but answers come there none

DivorcedAndDelighted · 29/12/2021 17:16

Agree, no man just gets this done on a whim. It's not possible given the hoops you have to jump through.
Sounds to me like he's saying whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear now.
Getting a vasectomy without telling your wife is not a reasonable thing to do, in normal circumstances. But we just don't know enough about this family situation. Maybe it's not a "reasonable" situation. Maybe it's one where he feels he cannot leave the kids.

LostForIdeas · 29/12/2021 17:28

@girlmom21

But now he wants to have it reversed! So what does that man actually want?

He wants to say the right thing to stop her ending the marriage... that's quite clear.

He doesn't want more kids because he wouldn't have had a vasectomy if he did.

He didn't tell OP because he knew what her response would be like. And he was right, wasn't he.

So he made things 100x worse for himself because more often than not, women actually accept that their DH doesn’t want another child and stay put. But the DH needs to 1- not go behind their partner’s back 2- accept their partner will be unhappy and accept they are the cause of it 3- accept said partner will need time and to let them grieve

If his aim was to avec thé marriage, he was dumb, sorry.

girlmom21 · 29/12/2021 17:32

@LostForIdeas she said she would've tried to convince him not to have it so I'm gonna hazard a guess that they'd spoken about it more than once and his choice was ignored.

If he had the slightest concern she'd go against his wishes he did the right thing IMO. Obviously he shouldn't have hid it but it sounds like the vasectomy was the right decision.

katedan · 29/12/2021 17:34

I agree this would be a deal breaker for me as well. I know a man who did this behind his wife's back and it was to avoid getting his lover pregnant as he was having an affair.

girlmom21 · 29/12/2021 17:34

@katedan

I agree this would be a deal breaker for me as well. I know a man who did this behind his wife's back and it was to avoid getting his lover pregnant as he was having an affair.
Ouch!!!
IceIzzy69 · 29/12/2021 17:40

I would be so angry!!! I don’t blame you at all. When I wanted to be sterilised my GP would not even refer me for the consultation until I had brought my DH along to discuss it too. GP explained too many people ask for this type of surgery without their partners knowing. I do see this as a huge betrayal. Time to either get counselling or leave.