Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

[Berlyboo]

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

For me this is not about bodily autonomy that's an automatic right, it's about secrets. If he wanted a vasectomy absolutely his choice, but who on earth has an elective surgery and deliberately hides it from their spouse? It's weird. I couldn't be with someone who would choose to lie to me repeatedly and it's not about more DC or not, I don't want any more DC , but if DH snuck around to get a vasectomy or any surgery then continued to lie about it and I only knew by accident, I'd wonder what else he could lie about, relationships are about trust and communication and this one seems to have neither, so why carry it on.

Also if we're talking about coercion and control, he isn't covering himself in glory, they have another property but he refuses to leave, he refuses to listen to the OP when she says it's over because he lied to her and is dead set on 'persuading her' to carry on the relationship, seemingly by moping around and making it more difficult for her to move on.

For me it wouldn't necessarily be about the fact that you could not have more children as you mentioned you weren't sure if you wanted any more.

I feel it's about the secretiveness around it all and the fact that he felt he couldn't tell you. What else does he keep from you?

What I don't understand that PP can't seem to realise is his deceit involved OP wasting her fertile years with him rather than leaving him and moving on to have the opportunity to have more dc. This is why it's important, her dh told her that is the choice he took away from her not his choice to have a vasectomy.

She couldn't have physically taken that choice away from him anyway (as he has now proven) but he has totally led her on to believe there's hope for another dc all the while allowing her to be on unnecessary bc and with a whole different line of thinking to what the reality was. Extremely cruel and a massive lie that I would never be able to recover from myself. It's the huge and awful lie and I think OP has rightly expressed that hurt around it. I hope you find happiness OP.

@Chickenkatsu

If a woman decides to get her tubes tied, it's her choice and her choice only. I imagine he did it without telling you because he knew how you would react.

Yeah, the way you post makes me think you would have worked to persuade him not to do it. I can't blame him for not wanting to justify himself about this. He took responsibility, it's his body and nothing to do with taking choice away from you. If having more children is more important than staying with him, you're free to make that choice.

Yeah, the way you post makes me think you would have worked to persuade him not to do it. I can't blame him for not wanting to justify himself about this. He took responsibility, it's his body and nothing to do with taking choice away from you. If having more children is more important than staying with him, you're free to make that choice.

She is now free to make that choice as she knows that more kids are definitely off the table with him. But as far as she knew, they agreed to her going on long term contraception and they would discuss it further in the coming years as neither of them were sure.

But then he decided he didnt want more (except from what the OP says he said, he wasnt even sure on the day he had the op!) and didnt tell her. He has admitted that he doesnt know when he would have told her, if ever. She has said that she would have asked him to stick to their original agreement of 5 years, to give them both time to think about it and come to an understanding.

Would you be this understanding if she had just decided to come off contraception and not tell him because that was her taking control of her fertility? No. Because it is deceitful and wrong. What he did is no different in terms of the effect on their marriage.

It comes down to the fact that he made a decision but by keeping it secret, he denied his wife the same choice.

He wants to stay with her with no more kids. Thats fine. His choice. But he didnt want to risk her leaving him if she wants more, so he lied.

This is not about a vasectomy, its about honesty, trust and what matters more. If his marriage to her matters so much then he would have discussed his thoughts and feelings, but he didnt. He just did it and hoped she would never find out.

I wouldnt want to share a bed with someone so duplicitous either.

Men are always told on here that if they don't want children then they should take action themselves and not leave it up to the woman, even if she says she's using reliable contraception. But I always think that if my DH did that in a long term relationship I'd take it as a sign that he didn't trust me not to lie to him about contraception

I remember a thread on here years ago where women were saying that if they were using their own BC and in a long term relationship that was monogamous, there was really no need for their partners to use condoms as well, and if they did it would make them suspicious of their motives. They would assume the men either didn't trust them to not get PG on purpose or that they were worried about an STD, meaning either they were being unfaithful or thought their partner might be.

That's problematic when viewed against a culture of women telling men 'no BC is completely reliable. If you can't accept an accidental pregnancy where I make all the choices then you shouldn't be having sex with me.'

This is only ever said to men. Never women.

I do understand why the OP is upset and bewildered, but I imagine when she says 'he wasn't 100% sure he didn't want more children' she's actually in denial about what's been said to her in the past. I'm guessing he tried to tell her he didn't want more kids and she didn't listen and he knew if he broached the subject of a vasectomy it would get shut down very quickly. Or there would be tears, begging and dramatics.

So yes, in theory it would have shown her more respect to tell her. But in reality it might also be understandable why he didn't.

Once it was done though, he should have told her. I'm guessing he was building up the courage to do it. I'm not sure how long it was between the op and her finding out.

But to suggest that she could have wasted all her remaining fertile years with him in the belief that they might one day decide to have more children and that is essentially tricking her out of the right to leave and have more kids with someone else, is a bit of a weird argument.

Most women (and men) don't leave an otherwise happy marriage where children (plural) already exist, just because their partner is adamant they don't want any more.

It reduces the marriage to nothing more than a baby making contract and it reduces the husband to nothing more than a stud animal whose only purpose is his ability to breed.

Of course he was sure. No man let's someone cut into his balls, if they aren't sure they want to.

Either there's a history of him lying, just because he is a liar, which doesn't seem the case by the ops description of the marriage.

Or on the subject of more jobs he has tried telling op and she just isn't listening. He is saying he wasnt sure and will look at a reversal to try and salvage the relationship.

Or maybe he doesn't trust her ro take care of contraception.

Op, and several people here, seem to think they have a right to dictate that someone can not sleep in their own bed and should leave their home, because the other person says so.

If she wants him to leave she needs to divorce and sort it that way. Yet she hasn't started divorce proceedings. It appears she just wants to punish. Not actually move forward.

I would be angry about the initial hiding it and being willing to tell friends would hurt me and be humiliating, because he obviously would have told them not to mention it around you.
I couldn’t respect a sneaky coward, I can’t be attracted to someone I don’t respect.
If you’ve Asked him to leave and he’s refusing, hoping he grows on you then he is disrespecting you as someone allowed to have a say again, you don’t need both people’s permission to end a relationship, could you push this harder and raise the subject of putting the house on the market if he won’t leave it?

This isn't about a vasectomy - this is about trust. He took your trust in him and destroyed it. That can't just be fixed. A vasectomy reversal doesn't fix that. Once the trust is gone it's incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to get it back again.

@PyongyangKipperbang

It comes down to the fact that he made a decision but by keeping it secret, he denied his wife the same choice.

He wants to stay with her with no more kids. Thats fine. His choice. But he didnt want to risk her leaving him if she wants more, so he lied.

This is not about a vasectomy, its about honesty, trust and what matters more. If his marriage to her matters so much then he would have discussed his thoughts and feelings, but he didnt. He just did it and hoped she would never find out.

I wouldnt want to share a bed with someone so duplicitous either.

100%

@NdujaWannaDance

Men are always told on here that if they don't want children then they should take action themselves and not leave it up to the woman, even if she says she's using reliable contraception. But I always think that if my DH did that in a long term relationship I'd take it as a sign that he didn't trust me not to lie to him about contraception

I remember a thread on here years ago where women were saying that if they were using their own BC and in a long term relationship that was monogamous, there was really no need for their partners to use condoms as well, and if they did it would make them suspicious of their motives. They would assume the men either didn't trust them to not get PG on purpose or that they were worried about an STD, meaning either they were being unfaithful or thought their partner might be.

That's problematic when viewed against a culture of women telling men 'no BC is completely reliable. If you can't accept an accidental pregnancy where I make all the choices then you shouldn't be having sex with me.'

This is only ever said to men. Never women.

I do understand why the OP is upset and bewildered, but I imagine when she says 'he wasn't 100% sure he didn't want more children' she's actually in denial about what's been said to her in the past. I'm guessing he tried to tell her he didn't want more kids and she didn't listen and he knew if he broached the subject of a vasectomy it would get shut down very quickly. Or there would be tears, begging and dramatics.

So yes, in theory it would have shown her more respect to tell her. But in reality it might also be understandable why he didn't.

Once it was done though, he should have told her. I'm guessing he was building up the courage to do it. I'm not sure how long it was between the op and her finding out.

But to suggest that she could have wasted all her remaining fertile years with him in the belief that they might one day decide to have more children and that is essentially tricking her out of the right to leave and have more kids with someone else, is a bit of a weird argument.

Most women (and men) don't leave an otherwise happy marriage where children (plural) already exist, just because their partner is adamant they don't want any more.

It reduces the marriage to nothing more than a baby making contract and it reduces the husband to nothing more than a stud animal whose only purpose is his ability to breed.

100% this

“Men are always told on here that if they don't want children then they should take action themselves and not leave it up to the woman, even if she says she's using reliable contraception. But I always think that if my DH did that in a long term relationship I'd take it as a sign that he didn't trust me not to lie to him about contraception”

So what do I tell my 19 year old son - take responsibility for contraception by using a condom or don’t take responsibility and leave it to the woman for fear of upsetting her because he doesn’t trust her. We can’t have it both ways .

But he doesn’t want more kids… condom, vasectomy the outcome is the same.

It is his body and you cannot control what he does with it. It’s odd that he didn’t tell you but maybe that screams something wrong in the marriage…. This therefore may indicate the vasectomy was for the best

But to suggest that she could have wasted all her remaining fertile years with him in the belief that they might one day decide to have more children and that is essentially tricking her out of the right to leave and have more kids with someone else, is a bit of a weird argument.

Most women (and men) don't leave an otherwise happy marriage where children (plural) already exist, just because their partner is adamant they don't want any more.

It reduces the marriage to nothing more than a baby making contract and it reduces the husband to nothing more than a stud animal whose only purpose is his ability to breed.

It’s not remotely a weird argument.

Most women, and men, may not leave, but the vast vast majority are given the time (and respect) of knowing their partners decision and making that choice for themselves.

And some do leave.

Whilst it may not be common, and isn’t what you’d do (or I’d do) it absolutely should have been the OP’s choice to decide what she wanted to do after her husband had made his choice.

Taking that choice away from your spouse is unacceptable. Everyone is entitled to make their decisions about long term fertility. Having your choice and deliberately denying your spouse theirs isn’t on.

I think the following things:

1. it’s really awful that you found out by seeing the letter on his phone, rather than him telling you. That must have been a shock if you thought everything was open between you.
2. you need to consider why he did it without telling you, because as an outsider it looks like he felt entirely sure that he didn’t want to father any more children, wanted to be responsible about that but felt he couldn’t discuss it with you at all because of how you’d react. You definitely need to be talking to him about why he felt this so strongly. Your reaction here is furious but it’s not clear if it’s more to do with the lies (understandable) or the fact he’s now unable to give you another child or the most important fact which is that he doesn’t actually really want to but doesn’t really seem to be having that heard by you.
3. He’s caving in because you’ve gone apeshit at him, surely, not because he really changed his mind?
4. he hasn’t removed your opportunity to have more children purely because of his decision to have the op - it’s clear his consent and willingness wasn’t there anyway. If you’d had more children, it would have been with a reluctant father.
5. you can still have children, just not with him. You do need to ask yourself whether it’s selfish of you to want to corner someone who doesn’t want any more children into having them simply because you do. He does have the absolute right to insist on no more and also the right to ensure that it isn’t taken out of his hands, eg with a contraception slip. The five year guarantee of your contraception and the temporary nature of condoms might still make him feel it’s not in his own hands. I actually think men have as much right to do this to avoid fatherhood as women do to have abortions without needing the father’s permission.

Sorry numbering went off as I added more points!

Everyone is entitled to make their decisions about long term fertility. Having your choice and deliberately denying your spouse theirs isn’t on.

I thought I read the if the husband had discussed this the wife would have asked him to wait.
Wait how long ? a day, a month a year, 2 years, 5 years ?

Surely this is exactly the same thing?, one spouse getting their way about long term fertility and denying the other ?

A friend of mine found out her husband had had a vasectomy while going through fertility investigations. All was well with her & he didn't mention it until he had a completely sperm free sample result

He'd had it done before they married, knowing she wanted children

Swiftly divorced - she remarried & had a daughter

@FabulousMrFifty

Everyone is entitled to make their decisions about long term fertility. Having your choice and deliberately denying your spouse theirs isn’t on.

I thought I read the if the husband had discussed this the wife would have asked him to wait.
Wait how long ? a day, a month a year, 2 years, 5 years ?

Surely this is exactly the same thing?, one spouse getting their way about long term fertility and denying the other ?

She said she would have asked him to wait the five years they’d agreed on.

The difference is that she’d have asked - she couldn’t physically stop him so he could have gone ahead regardless.

The big issue he isn’t that he had the vasectomy. He’s perfectly entitled to make his choices.
The issue is the hiding it and pretending that he was on board with the discussing it down the line. He’s entitled to is choices, but so is she and he took his choice whilst denying the chance to make choices based on his decision.

but I imagine when she says 'he wasn't 100% sure he didn't want more children' she's actually in denial about what's been said to her in the past. I'm guessing he tried to tell her he didn't want more kids and she didn't listen and he knew if he broached the subject of a vasectomy it would get shut down very quickly. Or there would be tears, begging and dramatics.

@NdujaWannaDance so what you are saying is that the DH couldn’t cope with his dwife being upset that she couldn’t have another child. He couldn’t cope with her having strong feelings about something and for those feelings to be different than hers.
So the obvious way was to lie to avoid them.

Would that apply to other subjects too?
Like I don’t know, him racking up debts for his hobby wo telling her. After all, it’s his money and his debt too right?
Or planning a trip away with friends wo telling her, despite let’s say she has some big work commitment at that time and he was supposed to look after the dcs? After all, it’s his holidays. He can spend them how he wishes right?

I have to ask too why do you use the word dramatics? Aren’t women allowed to be upset if they are dreaming for their second/third/fourth child and their DH doesn’t want to?
How many threads do we have in here about that exact situation? About women telling about their deep grief around that? (And about men stringing them along hoping they will change their mind too….)
Are we saying it’s not allowed because … what? The man has decided against it? Why is it ok to say that someone’s feelings are more valid than the other? Or to automatically assume it’s women being hysterical? You know that well known put down that ever only apply to women….

@PussGirl

A friend of mine found out her husband had had a vasectomy while going through fertility investigations. All was well with her & he didn't mention it until he had a completely sperm free sample result

He'd had it done before they married, knowing she wanted children

Swiftly divorced - she remarried & had a daughter

That’s a bit different though isn’t it?

Is it?

It still lying and wanting to avoid ‘dramatics’ because he knew that’s what she really wanted…..

Taking that choice away from your spouse is unacceptable. Everyone is entitled to make their decisions about long term fertility. Having your choice and deliberately denying your spouse theirs isn’t on.

Well that makes no sense at all and you've contradicted yourself. If you both want different things then you can't possibly work as a couple and both get what you want, where having more children is concerned. You You either agree to have them or you agree not to. One partner is always going to have to capitulate to the other unless they split up.

I think it's an entirely different conversation if you already have children (plural) than if you have none, or only one though.

None then it really is unforgivable to not discuss it and it would probably end the marriage even if he did tell her in advance.

A singleton child when one of you longs for a second, well that can be more easily negotiated I suppose. Once you are parents does it really matter whether it's to one or two? And there are obvious advantages for the child in having a sibling. But at least you do have a child, so perhaps you can come to terms with not having another.

When you already have at least 2 children then it becomes much harder to justify putting pressure on a partner who is not keen to have more, and although I understand that there might be some disappointment at not having had a 3rd or a 4th, it does come across as a bit petulant to act like your life has been ruined because of it.