Page 16 | Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

Berlyboo · 2021-12-28T11:44:58+00:00

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

MushMonster · 28/12/2021 21:41

Betrayal of trust, that is what is making you feel sick.
Why he did not consult this with you? Why did he take such step without at least telling you?
How many children do you have? If you think logically, would you really want more?
He decided that no was the answer, but why he did not tell you, that is the issue here!

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/12/2021 21:41

It's clear that they weren't in a good place in the relationship and it makes me wonder if he just appeases OP for an easy life.

And he’s now taken a complete u-turn and says the only reason he did it was because he was “being as arsehole”.

I completely agree with you. I’d be upset if my husband did this but only because he obviously thought he couldn’t come to me and tell me that he’d made this decision.

LostForIdeas · 28/12/2021 21:45

@LolaSmiles or maybe the DH DID say what the OP said he did.
Maybe he took ‘the easy road’ because he couldn’t contemplate saying No to her because he is struggling to establish his own boundaries.
Or maybe because it was easier to string her along because he could feel this was something important to her and he didn’t want her to chose having another child with someone else to him.
Maybe, like a lot of relationship on MN, he is an accomplished lier. The same type that has affairs for years and lies and lies again to his dwife.
Maybe he is selfish and could only think about his wants.

Basically, you’ve constructed a nice story to fit your ideas but one could construct another to fit another story.

Hard to say whether it’s one or the other on an Internet forum and a few posts. But maybe taking the Op words for it is a good start.

Purpleraspberry · 28/12/2021 21:51

I can't believe some of the replies on here, casually shrugging it off as though it was no big deal, and almost praising him for being responsible. He made a major life decision which heavily involves his wife, and sneakily went for a medical procedure without telling her. I would say that is a pretty huge deal . I also would wager those who are so casual wouldn't be as laid back if it were them...

Yes it is his body, and it is his choice as to whether he wants another child, however to slyly sneak off and do it is wrong, and the deceit is something I don't know if I could get over myself.

OP, I would suggest marriage counselling to help you both work through it if that is what you want. However, you need to decide if it is something you can get over

LostForIdeas · 28/12/2021 21:52

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken you see instead if automatically assume i was in the wrong in thinking my relationship was good, that I read what he said wrong and that really i must have done something really bad for him to not feel he could talk to me, I’d be angry.
(I mean why should I automatically think I was in the wrong and he was an angel who did nothing wrong there???)

So yes I’d be angry.
Angry that he lied to me.
Angry that he used deception.
Angry that he treated me with contempt and broke my trust like this.

Many people on MN are up in arms about someone having an affair.
For me the biggest issue with an affair is how someone is playing with you because you trust them.
For me, what the DH is very similar. He took what he wanted whilst relying on the OP’s trust that she wouldn’t investigate. He destroyed her trust in him exactly the same way.

I would be angry and there would be no going back from that.

LolaSmiles · 28/12/2021 21:52

LostForIdeas
My reply on the last page was in response to a poster asking about what posters would say/do if their husbands went for the snip.

That's how I would feel about my relationship. I'd be devastated that my marriage had got to the point where two adults couldn't have a discussion about family planning. It would leave me asking questions about whether we'd both been brushing things under the carpet and it would leave me questioning whether I'd actually listened or heard what I wanted to hear. Either way, I'd not be sitting there saying my relationship was perfect until DH got the snip.

Even look at the examples you give:
Maybe he took ‘the easy road’ because he couldn’t contemplate saying No to her because he is struggling to establish his own boundaries.
Or maybe because it was easier to string her along because he could feel this was something important to her and he didn’t want her to chose having another child with someone else to him.
Maybe, like a lot of relationship on MN, he is an accomplished lier. The same type that has affairs for years and lies and lies again to his dwife.
Maybe he is selfish and could only think about his wants.
Do they sound like the characteristics of a marriage that was perfect until out of the blue a husband gets a vasectomy?

Monty27 · 28/12/2021 21:54

OP it is supposed to be a joint decision. Your feelings are understandable.
I'm not sure there's a way back from having a decision taken away from you. After all it's your body your choice too.
I do feel for you. What happens next is your choice not his.
I wish you the best going forward. ❤️

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/12/2021 22:02

I can't help thinking that the OP was never supposed to find out. He admitted he didnt know when/if he would tell her.

I rather suspect that he was, as a PP observed, relying on it never coming up again. That when the 5 years on the coil were up she wouldnt want more kids and then he could offer to have a vasectomy to save her having to do it again.....

As I said above, he can make his choice to not have more children, no is arguing that. Its him taking away her choice to leave or stay in a marriage where future kids are definitely not an option that is appalling behaviour. He gets what he wants and she doesnt get any choice.

FrippEnos · 28/12/2021 22:09

Offmyfence

She's asked him to leave, they've got alternative options.

So does she

He doesn't need to sleep on the sofa.

and the OP doesn't need to see him everyday as she could also move in to the flat

He's now saying he wants a reversal ad he realised he is wrong.

This is more worrying then you are making it out to be.

User2638483 · 28/12/2021 22:10

I’m just surprised OP didn’t notice…!!!

MamaFirst · 28/12/2021 22:15

Gobsmacked 50% of the voters think doing this behind your back is acceptable. Gobsmacked.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/12/2021 22:15

@FrippEnos

Offmyfence

She's asked him to leave, they've got alternative options.

So does she

He doesn't need to sleep on the sofa.

and the OP doesn't need to see him everyday as she could also move in to the flat

He's now saying he wants a reversal ad he realised he is wrong.

This is more worrying then you are making it out to be.

Why should she and their children move from their home to an "apartment" which suggests it is smaller than their current place because of his deception?

He has agreed he is in the wrong, agreed he shouldnt have lied to her so why shouldnt he be the one to leave?

Porfre · 28/12/2021 22:16

@User2638483

I’m just surprised OP didn’t notice…!!!

How would she notice shes got a cool?

Also he might have avoided sex for a few weeks and no one would be any wiser.

FrippEnos · 28/12/2021 22:18

PyongyangKipperbang

Nobody has said that the children have to leave.

He has agreed he is in the wrong, agreed he shouldnt have lied to her so why shouldnt he be the one to leave?

This is were my (and others) reading of it and yours differ.

Greensmoothie1 · 28/12/2021 22:23

@Berlyboo Honestly if he told me that he was getting it done I would have asked him to wait as the decision that he was making is permanent.

This is why he didn’t tell you. He knew you’d take his body autonomy away and demand that he wait a few years. You wanted to take ownership of his body and his life choice (I.e not wanting more dc). Your dh didn’t want to risk an unwanted “accidental” pregnancy.

Your dh is happy with the dc you already have together, but you are not content. You want to leave your dh because of some hypothetical dc that do not exist. If you want to break up with him then that’s your decision. However, you need to realise why he hid this from you.

JustLyra · 28/12/2021 22:27

[quote Greensmoothie1]**@Berlyboo* Honestly if he told me that he was getting it done I would have asked him to wait as the decision that he was making is permanent.*

This is why he didn’t tell you. He knew you’d take his body autonomy away and demand that he wait a few years. You wanted to take ownership of his body and his life choice (I.e not wanting more dc). Your dh didn’t want to risk an unwanted “accidental” pregnancy.

Your dh is happy with the dc you already have together, but you are not content. You want to leave your dh because of some hypothetical dc that do not exist. If you want to break up with him then that’s your decision. However, you need to realise why he hid this from you.[/quote]
Asking him to wait is not removing his bodily autonomy. It’s asking.

He could still have done it and dealt with the fact that OP may have decided to end their marriage over it.

She couldn’t have physically stopped him. He stopped her from deciding her reaction to his decision.

He wanted his right to choose, which he’s completely entitled to, whilst deciding that his wife should be kept in the dark and prevented from making a further decision that he wouldn’t like, which he’s absolutely not entitled to do.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/12/2021 22:32

And now she should leave her kids behind?

Fucking hell is it St Poor Menz night tonight?!

FrippEnos · 28/12/2021 22:35

PyongyangKipperbang
And now she should leave her kids behind?

Its a choice that she has

Fucking hell is it St Poor Menz night tonight?!

And you were doing so well.

StormzyinaTCup · 28/12/2021 22:48

Your dh is happy with the dc you already have together, but you are not content.

That’s not correct though. The OP and her DH both said they were undecided on whether their family was complete and would revisit in a few years. He took that option away from her when he went behind her back and decided for himself that they would call it a day on having anymore, not only that, he then thinks it’s OK to sit on this fait accompli until a time of his choosing/when he feels it’s most appropriate? He is at best a coward and at worst a deceitful piece of work.

HippoRaine · 28/12/2021 22:49

Fucking hell, this thread is mental and the vote is insane. All these women telling you you're being unreasonable and parroting "hiz body hiz choice" like that makes it ok to keep this from you, let you stay on hormone contraception and make you think that further children are a joint decision to be made in the future. For fucks sake guys this is a huge, relationship-breaking decision he took unilaterally and the OP found out accidentally via email. All you chirruping fools solemnly nodding along with "hiz body hiz choice" are seriously saying you would be absolutely fucking fine and dandy with your husband/partner/father of your children doing this AND NOT TELLING YOU? Like fucking fuck you would be. What a load of shit. Of course it's his choice but it's also OPs choice if she wants to stay in the relationship or not, if she wants more children or not. That's why it's 100% obviously absolutely unreasonable that he kept this from her.

Guavaf1sh · 28/12/2021 22:50

Perhaps the over the top reaction of the OP is why it was done in secret. The relationship is over and they are both better off without each other

JustLyra · 28/12/2021 23:00

Only on Mumsnet could it be “feminist” to have a vasectomy behind your wife’s back and “over the top” to consider it a betrayal.

It’s a whole other world on here.

Keeping it secret from your spouse that you’d taken steps to end your ability to have children is a massive betrayal, especially when he’s stated he has no idea when he’d have told her.

Taking away her right to decide what she wanted to do is massively deceitful. The OP couldn’t stop him doing it, that’s his right, yet it’s baffling how many people are shouting at her about his rights whilst failing to recognise that his secrecy was removing hers.

whittingtonmum · 28/12/2021 23:11

As it's been three months now I would try and find a counselor to help you work through your emotions and help you to find out what you really want. If you think you really want a seperation you need to make it very clear to DH and you need to actually start seperating. But maybe after talking it through with a counselor you might think it would be worth giving marriage counseling a go. In any case I would have my own counseling first to work through some of the emotions.

thedancingbear · 28/12/2021 23:22

[quote Greensmoothie1]**@Berlyboo* Honestly if he told me that he was getting it done I would have asked him to wait as the decision that he was making is permanent.*

This is why he didn’t tell you. He knew you’d take his body autonomy away and demand that he wait a few years. You wanted to take ownership of his body and his life choice (I.e not wanting more dc). Your dh didn’t want to risk an unwanted “accidental” pregnancy.

Your dh is happy with the dc you already have together, but you are not content. You want to leave your dh because of some hypothetical dc that do not exist. If you want to break up with him then that’s your decision. However, you need to realise why he hid this from you.[/quote]
This in spades

This thread has proven without doubt that, on MN, men only have bodily autonomy with their wives’ consent.

Fucking disgusting

Mayorquimby2 · 28/12/2021 23:37

Tbf I'm with op

I couldn't forgive my wife if she had an abortion without even telling me, let alone discussing it.

I'm not saying that I think I should have a right to veto or cajole her decision either way, but I think I'd find it hard to feel anything other than disposable and inconsequential in those circumstances.

But that's based on relationship which I view as equal and open, and which I believe to be based on a willingness to discuss all issues openly even where it's difficult.
I can completely accept it's different for people who feel abused or controlled