Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

[Berlyboo]

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

OP has asked him to leave.
She also could leave but is choosing not to.

Between the anger from the OP, 3 months of stewing over him making a choice about a vasectomy now instead of waiting 5 years, he's on the sofa, she has asked him to leave but he's staying in the house, she could leave but is opting to stay in the house, then there's a discussion about a reversal, it's a far from healthy relationship and not one that was 'perfect' prior to the vasectomy.
The sad thing is that there are currently children living in the house with all this going on.

Making someone sleep in the sofa is such a dick move.

@Doesntfeellikexmas

Making someone sleep in the sofa is such a dick move.

She's asked him to leave, they've got alternative options.

He doesn't need to sleep on the sofa.

He's now saying he wants a reversal ad he realised he is wrong.

Imagine hysterectomies were as quick and uncomplicated as a vasectomy.

A woman is married with children. She absolutely, 100%, does not want any more. She decides to have a hysterectomy but is scared of her husband’s reaction. They are not trying for any more children, he is actually on a form of long term contraception, but she is still too scared to speak to him about it so she confides in her friends.
After she has the hysterectomy, he finds out, makes her sleep on the sofa and tells her the marriage is over.

What would your advice to her be?

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Imagine hysterectomies were as quick and uncomplicated as a vasectomy.

A woman is married with children. She absolutely, 100%, does not want any more. She decides to have a hysterectomy but is scared of her husband’s reaction. They are not trying for any more children, he is actually on a form of long term contraception, but she is still too scared to speak to him about it so she confides in her friends.
After she has the hysterectomy, he finds out, makes her sleep on the sofa and tells her the marriage is over.

What would your advice to her be?

Have a sterilisation not a hysterectomy

I think he had every right to decide to do it and not ask you but he did need to inform you so that he wasn't denying you the right to decide if you still wanted to be in a relationship with someone who not longer wanted more children with you.

@Offmyfence

*He hasn’t taken her reproductive choices away from her at all!! He’s taken away the chance of him conceiving a child against his will.*

But by not telling her, he's taken her reproductive choice away by deciding to have another child with a different partner.

She should've been given the option.

This argument just doesn’t work. If the man doesn’t want to father any more children, the women will no choice but to find another partner (if she wants another child ), there is no other option available

In a sexual health context, it's considered important that women have access to contraception without their partners knowing, because some women are worried about how their partner will react.

OP, it sounds as if the vasectomy was very recent for him to be receiving an email from the clinic. He may have been waiting to summon up courage to tell you about it. What would have happened if he had told you beforehand that he'd made his decision? Would you have respected that?

This argument just doesn’t work.
If the man doesn’t want to father any more children, the women will no choice but to find another partner (if she wants another child ), there is no other option available

My point was she could decide to choose another partner.

No there is no other option but the point is that the OP wasnt told that there was no other option!

As far as she knew, they would revisit the idea of more children down the line as they were both unsure. That was the last she knew. At no point was she told that more kids was off the table, end of. And he has admitted that he didnt know when/if he would ever have told her!

His body his choice....yes. But also she has a choice whether to stay in a marriage with no future kids and be in full command of the facts in order to make that choice.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Imagine hysterectomies were as quick and uncomplicated as a vasectomy.

A woman is married with children. She absolutely, 100%, does not want any more. She decides to have a hysterectomy but is scared of her husband’s reaction. They are not trying for any more children, he is actually on a form of long term contraception, but she is still too scared to speak to him about it so she confides in her friends.
After she has the hysterectomy, he finds out, makes her sleep on the sofa and tells her the marriage is over.

What would your advice to her be?

To leave and stay in their other house.

As a PP put it....he wanted to make his decision without the OP being in a position to make her own.

And SHE is the one being abusive?!

This argument just doesn’t work.
If the man doesn’t want to father any more children, the women will no choice but to find another partner (if she wants another child ), there is no other option available

He didn't tell her he wanted no more children. They decided to use the coil for 5 years and then revisit the decision. She accepted that.

He didn't tell her it was no longer physically possible to father more children - he removed her right to choose if she was willing to stay in the marriage if children were a catagorical no.

I think if you can't see any way back from this then you need to start formally separating and getting the divorce started. If you want to work on it you need couples and potentially individual counselling, you still may separate but at least you have a chance to work through things. He needs to be really honest with you about if he wants any more children (although I think you already know the answer) if the process of reversible and you be honest about your thoughts regarding future children.

I think most people agree he should absolutely have told her after the fact asap. He should probably have told her his plans before too however I do understand why he may have felt unable to discuss it, there's a lot of emotions involved and he may not have wanted to postpone 1 year let alone 5 if he was certain. It's ok to take control of your own ability to have children but he should've made her aware rather than leave it to chance or worse, never tell her hoping it never came up.

Honestly the amount of people who spout this crap about his body his choice. Him taking responsibility etc. I don’t believe for a minute that any of you would be happy for your husband to go and get life changing surgery without even a discussion with you, and then for you to find out by accident.

It is incredibly deceitful and it has broken the OP’s trust in her husband.

This is not how healthy relationships work.

I would be both angry and incredibly hurt if my husband did this.

But then, my husband tells me if he is popping to the shop for bread, so I would expect him to tell me if he was going for surgery.

Sorry, but those who say it’s his choice are full of absolute shit. And so black and white. You don’t genuinely believe it either.

Of course he can do whatever he wants to his own body. But he has to expect that making life changing decisions without discussing them with his partner will have consequences.

If he is dishonest about this what else is he keeping from the OP?

OP you are 100% not being unreasonable.

The "hormonal contraception" is, OP has stated up-thread I think, an IUD - presumably Mirena or similar since that's for 5 years. So a extremely reliable form of contraception, and unlikely to carry any health risks if she gets on with it.
I wonder if OP's husband doesn't really understand this form of contraception, because an unplanned pregnancy really is vanishingly rare on it.
But I'm also imagining the situation where he's so clear he doesn't want any more kids, maybe he is worried she'll secretly get the IUD removed. Or maybe he was really worried about her reaction to him getting a vasectomy.
Now she's furious about it, he is saying he wants a reversal to try to make her happy. Maybe he's desperate to keep the family together and will say/do anything to stay with his kids.
Lots of possibilities here. But I have to say, OP, if you want people to tell you the truth, then you need to make sure you're an easy person to tell the truth to. Your reaction seems like extreme anger at him taking his own decision over his own body.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken I would tell her to leave. If she can’t trust her husband enough to have this conversation then it isn’t a healthy relationship.

If one of my friends told me they were getting sterilised without telling their husband I would think they were crazy - the exception being an abusive relationship. I would advise them to speak to their husband openly - the exception being an abusive relationship. I would advise them to leave if they didn’t feel able to talk about this big stuff. It’s not a healthy relationship.

Definitely grounds for divorce imo.
Once they lie and are deceptive you won’t trust him again.. wondering what else he lies about. That’s a couples decision not one to make alone - not what marriage is all about whatsoever.

[quote Lucillesbigsister]@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken I would tell her to leave. If she can’t trust her husband enough to have this conversation then it isn’t a healthy relationship.

If one of my friends told me they were getting sterilised without telling their husband I would think they were crazy - the exception being an abusive relationship. I would advise them to speak to their husband openly - the exception being an abusive relationship. I would advise them to leave if they didn’t feel able to talk about this big stuff. It’s not a healthy relationship.[/quote]
I agree. It’s clearly not a healthy relationship

@Lucillesbigsister

Honestly the amount of people who spout this crap about his body his choice. Him taking responsibility etc. I don’t believe for a minute that any of you would be happy for your husband to go and get life changing surgery without even a discussion with you, and then for you to find out by accident.

It is incredibly deceitful and it has broken the OP’s trust in her husband.

This is not how healthy relationships work.

I would be both angry and incredibly hurt if my husband did this.

But then, my husband tells me if he is popping to the shop for bread, so I would expect him to tell me if he was going for surgery.

Sorry, but those who say it’s his choice are full of absolute shit. And so black and white. You don’t genuinely believe it either.

Of course he can do whatever he wants to his own body. But he has to expect that making life changing decisions without discussing them with his partner will have consequences.

If he is dishonest about this what else is he keeping from the OP?

OP you are 100% not being unreasonable.

I would be bloody delighted, though nonplussed at why he'd kept it from me, given that it'd be very helpful all round. I'd buy him a cake.

Yes, it's weird he didn't tell her, but I do wonder if he doesn't have much of a voice in the relationship. He took the (not insignificant) risk of lasting testicular pain from surgery to avoid accidental conception of a baby, while previously they'd 'agreed' to wait five years and he has now totally changed his mind on the issue? OP thought they were 'perfect' and he goes and pulls a stunt like this? It's clear that they weren't in a good place in the relationship and it makes me wonder if he just appeases OP for an easy life.

You are a partnership, decisions about children, contraception etc should be made together. It is such a massive thing to keep from your partner, I would lose trust. Would he have told you at all? The reversal sounds like he's trying to turn back time.

Honestly the amount of people who spout this crap about his body his choice. Him taking responsibility etc. I don’t believe for a minute that any of you would be happy for your husband to go and get life changing surgery without even a discussion with you, and then for you to find out by accident
It is his body, his choice.

I'd be devastated to realise my marriage was at a point where he felt he couldn't have that conversation with me. To realise my marriage was in that much of a state would leave me asking some brutal questions about whether I'd been honest with myself about the state of my marriage in the run up to it, or whether we had both been brushing substantial issues under the carpet. I might also reflect on whether I'd truly listened in previous conversations about family planning, or heard what I wanted to hear, or whether he might have said things in quite a non-commital way and I've taken what I wanted from it. To have to confront that the relationship was in such a bad way that the conversation didn't happen would be a difficult pill to swallow. I'd certainly not be happy that the situation was him going and getting the snip without me knowing. Ultimately though I believe that when it comes to bringing children into the world, until a pregnancy happens (in which case it's woman's body, woman's choice), the person who doesn't want a child has the last word to me and I'd be a hypocrite to hold my own relationship to a different standard.

I'd not be claiming my marriage was perfect until awful husband took his reproductive health into his own hands and being annoyed that he robbed me of more children.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Imagine hysterectomies were as quick and uncomplicated as a vasectomy.

A woman is married with children. She absolutely, 100%, does not want any more. She decides to have a hysterectomy but is scared of her husband’s reaction. They are not trying for any more children, he is actually on a form of long term contraception, but she is still too scared to speak to him about it so she confides in her friends.
After she has the hysterectomy, he finds out, makes her sleep on the sofa and tells her the marriage is over.

What would your advice to her be?

That she should have left a relationship where she didn’t feel she couldn't talk to her partner about something as important as that. Rather than having such a life changing surgery.

I’d also tell her to move out. She had deceived him, wasn’t in a good marriage anyway and she would be better building a new life for herself.

Unfortunately, it seems that no one has told the OP’s partner that as he refusing to leave the house.

That’s non withstanding that in this particular thread, telling the Op to leave instead also means uprooting the dc(s) from their home. When it’s the OP’s DH who was deceitful. How fair is that towards the dcs?

@LolaSmiles I actually don’t disagree with you.

But people reply about his body his choice as though the OP should just say ok then that’s fine please can you hand me a baby wipe and put the kettle on.

It does show huge problems in the relationship. No matter who is at fault for that or what the circumstances are. I agree with the OP that she is not unreasonable to either angry or hurt about this.

I would be devastated