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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

590 replies

Berlyboo · 28/12/2021 11:44

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

OP posts:

Offmyfence · 28/12/2021 20:18

He hasn’t taken her reproductive choices away from her at all!!
He’s taken away the chance of him conceiving a child against his will.

But by not telling her, he's taken her reproductive choice away by deciding to have another child with a different partner.

She should've been given the option.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/12/2021 20:18

He has taken away any chance of them, as a couple, having another child WITHOUT ANY DISCUSSION. That is the crux of the issue. That should not happen in any decent marriage.

If he didnt want another child then the decent thing to do is tell her, he didnt therefore he is not a good or caring husband.

JustLyra · 28/12/2021 20:20

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Is this whole thread not about how her relationship can survive this and move on? If the relationship is actually over as far as she’s concerned, why bother posting this thread?

Presumably to answer the question she actually asked

has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

GoodForTheSoul · 28/12/2021 20:21

@NdujaWannaDance

What kind of woman chooses to leave a good husband and a good marriage because she's been denied a third/fourth/fifth child and is furious about it?

This is it for me - I can't understand why a 'maybe' child here is so important that her current 'perfect' marriage and children need to suffer as a result?

I found the OP's attitude and reactions really immature and very selfish. Maybe think about the kids you have already created and why they're not enough somehow...

LostForIdeas · 28/12/2021 20:21

@LolaSmiles no I don’t see any difference between the two.

In both cases, one partner is deceiving the other
In both cases, one partner is lying to the other.
In both cases, one partner is dictating their life to other (in one case by imposing a child to the other, and in the other case by stopping the other person to have a child).

JustLyra · 28/12/2021 20:22

He hasn’t taken her reproductive choices away from her at all!!
He’s taken away the chance of him conceiving a child against his will.

By hiding it he was taking away her right to choose to stay with him, knowing that there would be no more children, or to leave to allow her to have another child alone or with someone else.

He wanted to have his way - no more children - but without the risk of her making choices of her own.

Original poster

Berlyboo · 28/12/2021 20:22

Wow some people are very mean! I am not abusive at all. Yes he is staying on the couch because it makes me sick to look at him after what he done. He has the choice to leave to go to our apartment that we both own, but wants to stay to make things right again which is very hard for me as he has broken me. I am completely broken. We both decided last year that we are not sure that we want more children so we agreed for me to get the coil inserted as its not permanent. When I asked why he didn't tell me. His exact reply was "I was just being a stupid @sshole it's the worst mistake iv ever made. We talk about everything I trusted him but I just can't get what he done out of my head... He got to make a permanent choice for us both never discussed it with me. But he went behind my back and made that choice for us. When the agreement was five years. Honestly if he told me that he was getting it done I would have asked him to wait as the decision that he was making is permanent. I do not make him feel bad about himself we still talk but it's different now he has really broken me. I want it to get better but it's very hard I'm sick to my stomach over it. When I found out I cried for days I couldn't speak I asked him when he was going to tell me and he said he didn't know 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

Offmyfence · 28/12/2021 20:23

[quote GoodForTheSoul]@NdujaWannaDance

What kind of woman chooses to leave a good husband and a good marriage because she's been denied a third/fourth/fifth child and is furious about it?

This is it for me - I can't understand why a 'maybe' child here is so important that her current 'perfect' marriage and children need to suffer as a result?

Lied by omission

Offmyfence · 28/12/2021 20:25

@Berlyboo

Wow some people are very mean! I am not abusive at all. Yes he is staying on the couch because it makes me sick to look at him after what he done. He has the choice to leave to go to our apartment that we both own, but wants to stay to make things right again which is very hard for me as he has broken me. I am completely broken. We both decided last year that we are not sure that we want more children so we agreed for me to get the coil inserted as its not permanent. When I asked why he didn't tell me. His exact reply was "I was just being a stupid *@sshole* it's the worst mistake iv ever made. We talk about everything I trusted him but I just can't get what he done out of my head... He got to make a permanent choice for us both never discussed it with me. But he went behind my back and made that choice for us. When the agreement was five years. Honestly if he told me that he was getting it done I would have asked him to wait as the decision that he was making is permanent. I do not make him feel bad about himself we still talk but it's different now he has really broken me. I want it to get better but it's very hard I'm sick to my stomach over it. When I found out I cried for days I couldn't speak I asked him when he was going to tell me and he said he didn't know 🤷‍♀️

That's so tough OP!

LostForIdeas · 28/12/2021 20:25

[quote GoodForTheSoul]@NdujaWannaDance

What kind of woman chooses to leave a good husband and a good marriage because she's been denied a third/fourth/fifth child and is furious about it?

This is it for me - I can't understand why a 'maybe' child here is so important that her current 'perfect' marriage and children need to suffer as a result?

I found the OP's attitude and reactions really immature and very selfish. Maybe think about the kids you have already created and why they're not enough somehow...[/quote]
Because for some people this is important enough. Many women decide to leave for that reason.

But more importantly, her DH attitude shows how little respect he has for her. How can she ever trust him again after he deceived her like this, on a subject that was bound to be really important to the OP?

If her DH is happy to lie and hide he had a a vasectomy, what else is he able to lie about? For months? Years? Whilst his partner is talking about contraception etc…

girlmom21 · 28/12/2021 20:26

@Berlyboo is the issue that he lied or that he's made the decision for you both? Or are they both a problem?

Do you think there's a way you can get past this?

LolaSmiles · 28/12/2021 20:26

So exactly how long is it acceptable to you for someone to hide the fact that they cannot have another child from their spouse?
I've already said he should have told her that he was about to do it or that it had happened.
How on earth is it "borderline coercive" to end their marriage exactly? Anyone can end a relationship at any time for any reason. She's not just his property that he gets to keep regardless of how much she dislikes his actions.
It's not borderline coercive to end a marriage.
The OP could end her marriage and leave, but she's not.
He's now on the sofa and she's making it clear she feels sick seeing him, doesn't want to be around him, and is now talking about how suddenly he now says he isn't sure and might get it reversed.
It's also all about how his vasectomy should be their decision and doesn't need to be thought about for 5 years. Based on the posts she seems more annoyed that she doesn't have an option of another baby from him than the act of deception.

Equally, a relationship in which one party (man or woman) can't have an open conversation about contraception is not a happy and perfect relationship. A perfect and happy relationship that the OP claims is not one where a partner is unable to speak to their partner about contraception.

Nobody has said she's his property.

ForagingForMullberries · 28/12/2021 20:27

Personally I think he should leave and file for divorce from you. asap.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/12/2021 20:27

@PyongyangKipperbang

He has taken away any chance of them, as a couple, having another child WITHOUT ANY DISCUSSION. That is the crux of the issue. That should not happen in any decent marriage.

If he didnt want another child then the decent thing to do is tell her, he didnt therefore he is not a good or caring husband.

He doesn’t want one! There’s no discussion to be had!

ForagingForMullberries · 28/12/2021 20:28

[quote GoodForTheSoul]@NdujaWannaDance

What kind of woman chooses to leave a good husband and a good marriage because she's been denied a third/fourth/fifth child and is furious about it?

This is it for me - I can't understand why a 'maybe' child here is so important that her current 'perfect' marriage and children need to suffer as a result?

I found the OP's attitude and reactions really immature and very selfish. Maybe think about the kids you have already created and why they're not enough somehow...[/quote]
👏👏👏

LostForIdeas · 28/12/2021 20:32

Hi @Berlyboo,

I think it’s a pretty normal reaction after learning someone who fully trusted has gone behind your back tbh.

I know your initial question was ‘can we ever overcome that?’.

And the answer is that the only way you can is if HE somehow manages to regain your trust again.
That takes time and effort on HIS part. It means him taking responsibility for his actions. Saying he was stupid is all well and good but what will stop him ‘being stupid’ again on a different subject for example?

And you will need to be able to get over not having a child with him again. For many women whose DH do not want ‘another one’, it’s hard and it takes time. It took me months to grieve for the child I wanted but would never have (even if fully accepted DH decision - that wasn’t the issue there). So you (and him) need to give yourself time there.

Counselling as a couple might help.

JustLyra · 28/12/2021 20:33

@ForagingForMullberries

Personally I think he should leave and file for divorce from you. asap.

Then they'd both be happy given the OP has asked him to leave...

JustLyra · 28/12/2021 20:34

[quote GoodForTheSoul]@NdujaWannaDance

What kind of woman chooses to leave a good husband and a good marriage because she's been denied a third/fourth/fifth child and is furious about it?

This is it for me - I can't understand why a 'maybe' child here is so important that her current 'perfect' marriage and children need to suffer as a result?

I found the OP's attitude and reactions really immature and very selfish. Maybe think about the kids you have already created and why they're not enough somehow...[/quote]
One that discovers that her "good" husband is actually someone who is prepared to make permanent decisions about their future and hide them from her?

So isn't actually that good after all.

Offmyfence · 28/12/2021 20:35

@ForagingForMullberries

Personally I think he should leave and file for divorce from you. asap.

If only he would! But he bloody won't!

Apparently wants a reversal (probably impossible) and to make things "right".

OP has asked him to leave.

LostForIdeas · 28/12/2021 20:35

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken
But surely there is a discussion to be had as to why he LIED to her? As to why he thought deception was the right way to ‘get his way’?

Jane335 · 28/12/2021 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Offmyfence · 28/12/2021 20:40

@Jane335

Why is it acceptable to leave him on the settee for 3 months

Poor bloke. He didn’t want more kids, okay he maybe should have had a chat about it before going ahead but you shouldn’t punish him for it.

You have kids, is it really the end of the world if you don’t have more

Because the OP wants to end the marriage? That's her allowable choice.

rhowton · 28/12/2021 20:42

I would be so upset if my DH decided to do this without discussing it first.

TurquoiseDragon · 28/12/2021 20:43

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken There is a discusssion to be had. OP needed to know her husband's stance, ie he didn't want kids, so that she could make her own decision, whether to leave or stay.

*@GoodForTheSoul^ If this were a good marriage, the OP's husband would have discussed his planned vasectomy before it happened. By respecting OP and giving her the courtesy of proper communication, she may have come to the conclusion of agreeing no more DC in a calm, measured way.

But this hasn't happened, she's found out after the fact. Yes, his body, his choice, I fully support that. But in a good relationship, decisions don't get made in a vacuum, especially when those decisions impact on the other person in the relationship. Respect is shown from each side and the couple understand where each other is coming from and make decisions together.

oviraptor21 · 28/12/2021 20:44

Why is it acceptable to make a unilateral decision about something that should have been discussed and at least forewarned if not agreed.
Too right he's on the sofa. He's messed up big time .... what a heartless foolish thing to do.

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