Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

[Berlyboo]

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

But as he is risking his DWS health with hormonal contraception, should he have not told her?
It was her choice to have a contraceptive device inserted into her body. It was his choice to have a vasectomy.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

But as he is risking his DWS health with hormonal contraception, should he have not told her? It was her choice to have a contraceptive device inserted into her body. It was his choice to have a vasectomy.

Or was she coerced due to his being so adamant he didn't want another child?

Was it truly her choice?

@Offmyfence she said he wasn't adamant- according to her neither of them knew what they wanted

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

But as he is risking his DWS health with hormonal contraception, should he have not told her? It was her choice to have a contraceptive device inserted into her body. It was his choice to have a vasectomy.

But after his vasectomy he could've told her, to minimise risk?

It was done, it couldn't be undone?

Oh can’t find the part where OP is concerned about the health risk of her contraception. I only see that she’s furious he’s had a vasectomy and taken the decision that he will not have further children and that he hid this form her.

OP - I’m sorry you found out the way you did.
I’d feel sick to my core if it were me.
My DH had a vasectomy but it was agreed upon.
As far as I know the NHS no longer provides vasectomies.
Equally, it is highly unlikely to be reversible if he chose the non-surgical method.
Comments about walking like John Wayne etc don’t apply in the non surgical method.
It’s not a case of discussion really about bodily autonomy- I don’t see anything that suggests the OP doesn’t approve of vasectomies or her DH having one but rather that he discussed this with two friends and not her and then booked, paid for and had the procedure not just without her knowledge but with absolutely no indication that he ever intended to tell her.
Yes he removed a choice from her and yes it’s his right to do so.
I’m slightly in the camp of those suggesting that he may be/planning to be having sexual encounters and not intending accidental pregnancies there because he knows the IP didn’t plan any additional children and was on contraception to “prove” that - contraception that she couldn’t “forget to take”.
Those of you assuming she is hysterical or abusive are being unnecessarily cruel. She gives no indication whatsoever that there were any difficulties in the marriage but her posts radiate the shock of the secret and the fact that she only found out as she did and that it affects her future choices if she were to remain with her.
She, quite rightly, asks how he could do this to her after a long and happy relationship.
She isn’t writing a first year uni essay on who gets to choose when or how to have contraception or abortions.
I’m shocked by the willingness to jump on her.
She feels how she feels- sickened.
It might not be how I’d feel but that’s neither here nor there.
I would feel nauseous if I discovered my DH had done something significant (let’s say kiss someone else or tried to meet someone for sex) as would most of you- she never got to decide how to respond to his “bodily autonomy” because he shoved it down her throat in a really awful way (accidental discovery).”
And anyway - who cares what MN responses “usually” are - this is a person’s life.
Sure, I wouldn’t necessarily have him sleeping on the couch - but how many of you would do that if you found out your DH hid a really big matter from you?

@ForagingForMullberries

Yes, he should have told her after the event so she could stop contraception. But seeing her overwrought and overdramatic OP, and how she has made him selfish on the couch for 3 months and how manipulative, coercive and abusive towards him she is being, I guess he kept chickening out on it. How do you deal with an abusive spouse like the OP. It can't be easy. I am as much for women's rights and equality as can be, but the OP seems quite unhinged and it's easy to see how he'd be scared of her. She has shown he was justified to be wary of telling her.

My thoughts exactly. He was scared of her overreaction and worried OP would emotionally manipulate him into having more dc. If OP fell pregnant then dh wouldn’t have a say in whether she continued the pregnancy.Also, @Offmyfence not everyone is “damaged” by hormonal contraception. I reacted badly, but I know many women who are fine on it and their health hasn’t been affected.

By not telling her, this is exactly what he has done to OP. She deserves to know that the previously discussed possibility of more children is now off the table (as is his right) because she has a right to decide how to use her fertility and to end the marriage and have more children with someone else if that's important to her.

If he'd married her and more or less promised/agreed to children then changed his mind and had the snip before any children came along them I'd agree 100%.

This isn't that.

What kind of woman chooses to leave a good husband and a good marriage because she's been denied a third/fourth/fifth child and is furious about it?

And if the man is determined that no more children should be conceived then what difference does it make whether he gets a vasectomy or not, unless the woman is intent on trying to change his mind, or trick him into an 'accidental' pregnancy?

I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.

Imagine a man with two or three children looking at his wife who has gone and got an implant without 'permission' saying that.

@Greensmoothie1 but why would you let your partner take the risk? Just why?

@Offmyfence you're assuming he has any say on the OPs choice of contraception,she has already stated she was happy to stay on this I dont understand why you are pushing this non issue for them

I don’t really see the issue. He didn’t want more children and took responsibility for that. There’s always the chance of being pressured by the woman into an unwanted child (secretly stopping the pill etc), and there’s the chance this is something he was wary of based on the reaction in the OP’s posts. Woman can make decisions as to whether to carry a pregnancy or not and it’s always on here her choice, or say, but when a man makes to decision to stop that in the first place, suddenly everyone finds it unforgivable?

@Greensmoothie1
I completely agree.
I understand why she’s be upset but her treatment of him is so over the top (and possibly coercive) so I can see why he was to scared to raise the subject with her.
I’d support a woman who was too scared of her partner’s reaction to a termination.
I’d support a woman who was too scared to tell her partner she had had the implant.
So I support a man who was too scared to tell his partner he wanted and was getting a vasectomy.

Too scared*

I would post this again in relationships. AIBU is brutal.

I think doing anything life changing without discussion is absolutely grounds to break trust and possibly break the relationship.

How on EARTH did some posters go from "I believe that in a marriage such things was whether to have more children or not should be discussed before any major decisions are made" to "A pregnant woman needs the fathers agreement to have a termination"?!

That is not what I said at all.

A marriagethat is a partnership based on love and trust should be able to survive a disagreement over such things. I would fully expect, within that partnership, to discuss contraception, whether to have more children or whether to have a termination. I wouldnt necessarily expect to agree and ultimately the person who's body it is has the final veto. But it should be discussed!

As I said above if the OP had decided that she wanted a baby so came off contraception without telling him she would have had her arse handed to her on MN. But by making a decision without any discussion before or after the fact he is being no better imo.

It would be the deception that would sour things for me.

@PyongyangKipperbang
Some marriages, where there is coercive abuse, can’t have open dialogue.
Have you not read how she’s punished him for months?

[quote AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]@PyongyangKipperbang
Some marriages, where there is coercive abuse, can’t have open dialogue.
Have you not read how she’s punished him for months?[/quote]
Have you not read how she can't get past the deceit and asked him to leave to end the marriage?

She wants out, it's not about punishing for months, the marriage is over for her.

She has the right to end the marriage.

It would be the deception that would sour things for me.

This is the key for me.

He didn't, at any point, tell the OP. She found out accidentally.

That niggling wonder of 'would he ever have told me?' and 'would he have let us try for another child knowing it wouldn't happen?' would eat away.

The deception is the issue. Same as if the OP had removed/stopped her contraception and he'd found out. That trust is broken, and it often cannot be repaired.

[quote AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]@PyongyangKipperbang
Some marriages, where there is coercive abuse, can’t have open dialogue.
Have you not read how she’s punished him for months?[/quote]
No I have not read that she has punished him for months. I read that she no longer wants to be in a marriage with him and they are sleeping seperately as a result.

If you want to twist that into abuse then I guess every marriage that ends is abusive if one party wants to seperate and the other one doesnt. As someone who has been in an abusive marriage I find your comments so lacking in understanding as to be laughable.

[quote AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]@PyongyangKipperbang
Some marriages, where there is coercive abuse, can’t have open dialogue.
Have you not read how she’s punished him for months?[/quote]
They don't have a marriage. The OP has ended it, as she has the right to do.

He's the one determinedly hanging on to 'give her time to get her head around it'.

As I said above if the OP had decided that she wanted a baby so came off contraception without telling him she would have had her arse handed to her on MN. But by making a decision without any discussion before or after the fact he is being no better imo.
You can't see the difference between:
A) actively tricking someone into bringing a whole new life into the world knowing they do not wish to be a parent/do not wish to be a parent again (and crucially once the pregnancy occurs they have absolutely zero say in whether they become a parent)
And
B) An adult making the decision that they do not wish to create another life, do not wish to risk contraception failure as they know that in event of an unplanned pregnancy they have zero say over whether a child enters the world, but doesn't tell their partner (who turns out to think it's acceptable to behave in a way that's borderline coercive over not being consulted over the vasectomy, instead believing a man who does not want children should wait 5 years and keep his fingers crossed that no contraception failure happens)

Really?

The difference between one adult choosing not to he a parent and another actively lying in order to ensure someone becomes a parent against their will seems quite clear to me.

B) An adult making the decision that they do not wish to create another life, do not wish to risk contraception failure as they know that in event of an unplanned pregnancy they have zero say over whether a child enters the world, but doesn't tell their partner (who turns out to think it's acceptable to behave in a way that's borderline coercive over not being consulted over the vasectomy, instead believing a man who does not want children should wait 5 years and keep his fingers crossed that no contraception failure happens)

So exactly how long is it acceptable to you for someone to hide the fact that they cannot have another child from their spouse?

How on earth is it "borderline coercive" to end their marriage exactly? Anyone can end a relationship at any time for any reason. She's not just his property that he gets to keep regardless of how much she dislikes his actions.

I see no difference in one person taking away another persons reproductive choices, no. Deception is deception. Their marriage was over the second he decided to do this without telling her.

Is this whole thread not about how her relationship can survive this and move on?
If the relationship is actually over as far as she’s concerned, why bother posting this thread?

@PyongyangKipperbang

I see no difference in one person taking away another persons reproductive choices, no. Deception is deception. Their marriage was over the second he decided to do this without telling her.

He hasn’t taken her reproductive choices away from her at all!! He’s taken away the chance of him conceiving a child against his will.