Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

[Berlyboo]

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

@LolaSmiles

Please link to a thread where the consensus advice has been "man should get a vasectomy in secret." I'll wait. Given that it's usually threads where an unplanned pregnancy or 'unplanned' pregnancy has happened and the woman who said to her partner she didn't want children wants a good old pile on about how awful her husband/partner is for expressing that he ideally wouldn't want to bring a/another child into the world because she's now changed her mind, your comment is disingenuous at best.

It's almost always: unplanned pregnancy, woman wants to continue, if man raises reservations then the MN cliche of 'no contraception is 100%... he should have had a vasectomy if he didn't want a pregnancy' kicks in. Heaven forbid a couple had both discussed not wanting a child and apparently made contraception plans to avoid a pregnancy.

I'm 100% woman's body = woman's choice when it comes to continuing with a pregnancy or not, but also 100% man's body = man's choice if he wants to make a decision to avoid an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy.

People can't have it both ways where a man is expected to abstain from any sex without a vasectomy for decades because no contraception is 100%, whilst then getting annoyed at a man taking control of his reproductive system.

Hear Hear!

The major issue for me is the lying by omission/deception. But even if OP's husband had told her he was going to do it, the result would have been the same. I'm a believer of when a man consents to sex, he consents to a baby, so I'm also a believer of men getting vasectomies if they're very sure they don't want (more) kids.

OP is within her rights to leave if she wants another child desperately enough, but I think it would be a mistake and a shame to leave because he lied to you.

But it's not the OP's body and the OP's choice if she's on unnecessary hormonal contraception and she's spending her fertile years with someone who is lying to her about the potential for them having more children together.

Absolutely

@Offmyfence Reverse your victim-blaming in the position of a woman getting an abortion without telling her DP. Would you still carry on with the victim-blaming attitude like you have here?

Just look at the OP, she comes across as unstable and vindictive. Did it never occur to you that (and I hate this part, as I am a really big feminist) he is in a relationship with a very highly strung and coercive abusive wife? Rarely do men actually chose to get a vasectomy, they tend to go weak and squeamish at the thought, but he not only arranged it, he went through with it. He must have been quite determined and felt that he couldn't confide in his wife.

@FabulousMrFifty

His marriage is now over, so he did really well didn't he?

The marriage was probably over no matter what, clearly he didn’t want any more children, and judging by the response, she probably does.

Well they'll never know!

[quote ForagingForMullberries]@Offmyfence Reverse your victim-blaming in the position of a woman getting an abortion without telling her DP. Would you still carry on with the victim-blaming attitude like you have here?

Just look at the OP, she comes across as unstable and vindictive. Did it never occur to you that (and I hate this part, as I am a really big feminist) he is in a relationship with a very highly strung and coercive abusive wife? Rarely do men actually chose to get a vasectomy, they tend to go weak and squeamish at the thought, but he not only arranged it, he went through with it. He must have been quite determined and felt that he couldn't confide in his wife.[/quote]
Utter bollocks!! Excuse the pun!

My DH and the majority of our friends all willingly had vasectomies!

Not sure where you did your straw poll!

If his wife is coercive etc, why the hell doesn't he move out, he's got the perfect opportunity.

He is not a victim at all!

Just look at the OP, she comes across as unstable and vindictive. Did it never occur to you that (and I hate this part, as I am a really big feminist) he is in a relationship with a very highly strung and coercive abusive wife? Rarely do men actually chose to get a vasectomy, they tend to go weak and squeamish at the thought, but he not only arranged it, he went through with it. He must have been quite determined and felt that he couldn't confide in his wife.

This. He must have felt he had no other choice if he didn’t want to get browbeaten, manipulated or deceived into having another child.

Bodily autonomy works both ways. We would never object to women having bodily autonomy and it needing to be a group decision about her body so why men.

@CounsellorTroi

Just look at the OP, she comes across as unstable and vindictive. Did it never occur to you that (and I hate this part, as I am a really big feminist) he is in a relationship with a very highly strung and coercive abusive wife? Rarely do men actually chose to get a vasectomy, they tend to go weak and squeamish at the thought, but he not only arranged it, he went through with it. He must have been quite determined and felt that he couldn't confide in his wife.

This. He must have felt he had no other choice if he didn’t want to get browbeaten, manipulated or deceived into having another child.

So why didn't he tell her after the event??

Why leave her to risk her health with hormonal contraception?

One of the reasons why me and DH decided on a vasectomy was to stop the hormonal contraception.

It was best for my health.

@Offmyfence Not sure where you did your straw poll!

This site, where women say they stick with the pill or condom because their partner refuses to get a vasectomy.

*If his wife is coercive etc, why the hell doesn't he move out, he's got the perfect opportunity.

He is not a victim at all!*

Did you really say that? Say "If her husband is coercive etc, why the hell doesn't she move out?" That type of victim-blaming (which is exactly what you're doing) gets your posts deleted on here. The reasons why people don't leave an abusive marriage vary from fear, control, coercion, money issues, custody of children, to fear of failure to etc etc etc. It is NEVER as simple as 'just leave'.

My DH and the majority of our friends all willingly had vasectomies!

Surely this is also true ?
The husband willingly had this done, his wife wasn’t threatening to leave or come off contraception if he didn’t, he had this done of his own free will.

I don’t think anyone is a victim here, but the wife is being a bit unreasonable to accept it was his decision to make, but it’s probably over now matter what

[quote ForagingForMullberries]**@Offmyfence* Not sure where you did your straw poll!*

This site, where women say they stick with the pill or condom because their partner refuses to get a vasectomy.

*If his wife is coercive etc, why the hell doesn't he move out, he's got the perfect opportunity.

He is not a victim at all!*

Did you really say that? Say "If her husband is coercive etc, why the hell doesn't she move out?" That type of victim-blaming (which is exactly what you're doing) gets your posts deleted on here. The reasons why people don't leave an abusive marriage vary from fear, control, coercion, money issues, custody of children, to fear of failure to etc etc etc. It is NEVER as simple as 'just leave'.[/quote]
I don't need UPPER case letters to understand!

You don't think it's coercion to make someone think they can conceive and have sex anticipating that .... when you know that it's not going to happen?

REALLY (upper case will maybe make YOU understand better!)

@Offmyfence I used uppercase for one word, for emphasis. Now you are being beligerant and obnoxious by making a thing out of it. When you have no point, flail about for something petty to pick at as a gotcha. You've shown what type of person you are with that last post and that you are not interested in discussing anything in good faith.

[quote ForagingForMullberries]@Offmyfence I used uppercase for one word, for emphasis. Now you are being beligerant and obnoxious by making a thing out of it. When you have no point, flail about for something petty to pick at as a gotcha. You've shown what type of person you are with that last post and that you are not interested in discussing anything in good faith.[/quote]
You DON'T need to use upper case it's very PA.

The rest of your post makes no sense whatsoever.

@Offmyfence Capitalising up to 3 words in a sentence for emphasis is acceptable netiquette. You make no sense. Now please grow up.

[quote ForagingForMullberries]@Offmyfence Capitalising up to 3 words in a sentence for emphasis is acceptable netiquette. You make no sense. Now please grow up.[/quote]

Thank you for proving my point.

I understand how you feel but, ultimately, it’s his body and his choice.
If we support the idea that a woman can get an abortion without consulting or agreeing on it with her partner, we have to give men having vasectomies the same support.

@ForagingForMullberries

Thank you for proving my point.

No really.... thank you 😊

It’s weird he did it without telling you but I think your reaction is extreme.

it's eminently, eminently reasonable for a man who already has multiple children with his current partner to unilaterally decide to get a vasectomy.

but getting it done on the quiet with seemingly no plan to ever mention it is fairly shockingly bad behaviour.

hard to say much more.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

I understand how you feel but, ultimately, it’s his body and his choice. If we support the idea that a woman can get an abortion without consulting or agreeing on it with her partner, we have to give men having vasectomies the same support.

But as he is risking his DWS health with hormonal contraception, should he have not told her?

And lets not forget she chooses to be on hormonal contraception and even wanted to suggest she keep on it for another 5 years, so clearly she doesn't think she is 'risking her life'.

@ForagingForMullberries

And lets not forget she chooses to be on hormonal contraception and even wanted to suggest she keep on it for another 5 years, so clearly she doesn't think she is 'risking her life'.

And let's not forget that there is a risk.....

But hey he'll keep quiet and let that risk happen.

@ForagingForMullberries

And lets not forget she chooses to be on hormonal contraception and even wanted to suggest she keep on it for another 5 years, so clearly she doesn't think she is 'risking her life'.

Did she choose or was his want to not have more children make him coerce her to get hormonal protection, because it's more effective than condoms?

Not least that his pleasure might be reduced with condoms?

It's a thought isn't it?

The deceit would be the deal breaker for me. If he will cover up that there is bound to be more he is covering up in your lives.