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Original poster

Husband had a vasectomy and never told me 😭

590 replies

Berlyboo · 28/12/2021 11:44

I have children healthy and happy everything was going great perfect until I found out that my hubby had a vasectomy.... Its his body and his choice.... But he never discussed it with me.. I feel so angry and hurt by his choice. He wasn't 100% sure if he wanted more children and I wasn't sure if I wanted more children but he made up his own mind to have a vasectomy without speaking to me. . But since then I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore every time I look at him I feel sick that he took a choice away from me and him to have another baby.... We are both young and he took the choice away from us to have another baby he hurt me so much..... Anyways he is now sleeping on the couch the past three months I want him to leave and he won't I just can't forgive him for what he done it makes me sick everyday. He says it will take time for me to get my head around it but he wants to get it reversed as he doesn't feel good about himself any more? 😡 I want him out and I don't know if I'm just angry or what is happening with me but has anyone else gone through this and if they have does it get better?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 28/12/2021 17:22

And yes OP could leave, but there is something very wrong with a man who would sit tight and force a woman to either leave without her children or move the children out of thier home with her.

But it's absolutely fine for a woman to do the same to a man...?

Doomscrolling · 28/12/2021 17:26

Your overreaction makes me wonder if that's why he didn't discuss it in the first place. Of course he should and could have discussed it with you if "everything was perfect" as you claimed. Something is clearly up.

Your children have seen their father banished to the couch for three months? For god's sake, either leave him or patch it up. It's unhealthy for everyone to leave things in this acrimonious state. I've seen in in friends' parents as a kid and in friends' marriages as an adult. It always ends much more badly than a clean break or a reconciliation.

Offmyfence · 28/12/2021 17:26

@Greensmoothie1

If he told you then would you have tried to stop him? He obviously doesn’t want more dc (how many do you have?) and a vasectomy is the best way to prevent pregnancy. Condoms and hormonal contraceptives are not 100%.
And the hormone contraception poses a possible health risk? So why didn't he tell OP? It's not 100% safe!
Feelingoktoday · 28/12/2021 17:34

“But the act of a permanent procedure to guarantee no more children must be something that is discussed and decided together too.”

There will be occasions when two adults do not agree on having more children or even having a child. Then what? You can’t compromise on this issue and it could be cohesive control if one changes their mind.

Greensmoothie1 · 28/12/2021 17:35

@Offmyfence And the hormone contraception poses a possible health risk? So why didn't he tell OP? It's not 100% safe!

Maybe he was scared that OP would overreact and emotionally manipulate him into having more dc that he did not want? He probably guessed that OP would freak out if she knew he had had a vasectomy. If OP became pregnant due to not being careful with her birth control then dh would have no say in whether OP would terminate the pregnancy. There’s obviously communication issues in this marriage. Ultimately, his body his choice. I think OP needs to really think about why dh was worried about discussing this with her.

thedancingbear · 28/12/2021 17:36

I know you could say the same thing for every thread on relationships. But here, and given the OP’s posting style, I’d very much like to hear the other side of this one.

Joesmummy1 · 28/12/2021 17:37

Do you think he worried what your reaction would be if he told you beforehand?

Offmyfence · 28/12/2021 17:39

[quote Greensmoothie1]**@Offmyfence* And the hormone contraception poses a possible health risk? So why didn't he tell OP? It's not 100% safe!*

Maybe he was scared that OP would overreact and emotionally manipulate him into having more dc that he did not want? He probably guessed that OP would freak out if she knew he had had a vasectomy. If OP became pregnant due to not being careful with her birth control then dh would have no say in whether OP would terminate the pregnancy. There’s obviously communication issues in this marriage. Ultimately, his body his choice. I think OP needs to really think about why dh was worried about discussing this with her.[/quote]
But he didn't tell her after the event? That's what I'm saying, he continued to let her take hormonal contraception that carries a risk.

gingerbreadhotel · 28/12/2021 17:41

I don't agree it's a simple case of his body his choice, if I was sterilising myself I'd expect to be able to talk to my dh and manage it with him not just FO and have the procedure without saying anything, how about any expectations from the dp about having further dc, even if he didn't want any more, out of courtesy, he could have just said btw I'm doing this this is how I feel so at least you have more of a choice to process everything if this isn't what you want in life or sit down and see if it's a dealbreaker for you. No way I'd be ok with this. Yes his body his choice but the whole point of having a dp is to share life things together not hide big things like this.

shinynewapple21 · 28/12/2021 17:45

I'm pretty easy going but don't think I could forgive that .

girlmom21 · 28/12/2021 17:51

But he didn't tell her after the event? That's what I'm saying, he continued to let her take hormonal contraception that carries a risk.

She said if he'd have spoken to her about it he'd have asked her to wait 5 years for her contraception. She has no issue with the contraception.

ForagingForMullberries · 28/12/2021 17:57

Yes, he should have told her after the event so she could stop contraception. But seeing her overwrought and overdramatic OP, and how she has made him selfish on the couch for 3 months and how manipulative, coercive and abusive towards him she is being, I guess he kept chickening out on it. How do you deal with an abusive spouse like the OP. It can't be easy. I am as much for women's rights and equality as can be, but the OP seems quite unhinged and it's easy to see how he'd be scared of her. She has shown he was justified to be wary of telling her.

ForagingForMullberries · 28/12/2021 17:58

#selfish on the couch should be sleep on the couch

thedancingbear · 28/12/2021 17:59

@gingerbreadhotel

I don't agree it's a simple case of his body his choice, if I was sterilising myself I'd expect to be able to talk to my dh and manage it with him not just FO and have the procedure without saying anything, how about any expectations from the dp about having further dc, even if he didn't want any more, out of courtesy, he could have just said btw I'm doing this this is how I feel so at least you have more of a choice to process everything if this isn't what you want in life or sit down and see if it's a dealbreaker for you. No way I'd be ok with this. Yes his body his choice but the whole point of having a dp is to share life things together not hide big things like this.
So it’s his body, his rules, provided he has spousal consent.

Why do you think he may not have told her beforehand.

Selttan · 28/12/2021 18:00

It's not on that he did this behind your back but even though you say you weren't sure whether you wanted another kid, I wonder if you were unknowingly putting pressure on him for another when he wants sure he wants one.

I suspect he's saying he wants to reverse it based on your response rather than actually not wanting it done.

FabulousMrFifty · 28/12/2021 18:03

@gingerbreadhotel
In your scenario, what would happen if your dh wanted more children, but you didn’t ? Ultimately, surely it would be your choice?

If your dh still wanted more children his choice would be to leave you and find another woman to father more children with?

Snaketime · 28/12/2021 18:05

Did you discuss with him about your contraception or just get it done? Also if you fell pregnant and he wanted it, but you didn't would you keep the baby or get an abortion without his consent? These things are no different.
Also I'm sorry but he hasn't taken away your decision wether or not you have more children, he has clearly decided he doesn't want more, so unless you forced him to have kids that he didn't want you wouldn't be having more with him anyway, the decision was already made on his part. The decision now is which is more important to you? Your relationship or the ability to have more kids in the future if you want them?

Nonnymum · 28/12/2021 18:06

It is his body and ultimately his decision but it was very wrong to do it without telling you. He should have discussed it with you and given you the chance to say how you feel. I think it is the deceit and not discussing it with you that indicates there si something wrong with your relationship rather than the vasectomy itself.
Has he explained why he did it without talking to you about it?

gingerbreadhotel · 28/12/2021 18:07

Absolutely, as I've said his body has choice but to go ahead and keep it quiet allowing their dp to envisage having more dc,, OP had no time to process together with her dp about this choice, of course the outcome may well have been he still had the vasectomy but the fact he took no regard to her feelings about it all was cruel imo. I would not be happy. It's the fact OP may never have found out and was still on bc is deceitful imo and not a sign of a good and decent dp.

gingerbreadhotel · 28/12/2021 18:09

I'd go as far as to wonder if he had other ideas why to have one too if he felt so much he wanted to keep quiet about it. This level of deceit wouldn't surprise me if it was to be able to abuse his new found infertility.

Offmyfence · 28/12/2021 18:12

@ForagingForMullberries

Yes, he should have told her after the event so she could stop contraception. But seeing her overwrought and overdramatic OP, and how she has made him selfish on the couch for 3 months and how manipulative, coercive and abusive towards him she is being, I guess he kept chickening out on it. How do you deal with an abusive spouse like the OP. It can't be easy. I am as much for women's rights and equality as can be, but the OP seems quite unhinged and it's easy to see how he'd be scared of her. She has shown he was justified to be wary of telling her.
Oh bless him, he kept chickening out? He intended to keep his wife on hormonal contraception and then maybe he was going to commit to trying for another child and knowing 100% this wouldn't happen.

See his wife each month facing upset.

My heart fucking bleeds for him!

His marriage is now over, so he did really well didn't he?

DysmalRadius · 28/12/2021 18:17

@PaterPower

So what, OP, would you have done had he told you he was getting one, you’d then said “I don’t want you to do that,” but he’d gone ahead anyway?

Is it REALLY the lack of discussion that you’re angry about, or that he’s made his own decision about his own body? How does that map across to you?

Would you believe he would have the right (and be justified in becoming angry if you “disobeyed” him) about getting your tubes tied?

What if you had unilaterally decided to get pregnant again, came off your contraceptives and not told him? Would he be OK to be angry with you for that?

What about having an abortion (either wanting you to get one or for you to keep a baby)? Would he have been reasonable to be angry that you went with your own choice then?

It IS his body, his choice. Full stop. Same for you. Same for everybody in a halfway civilised society.

But it's not the OP's body and the OP's choice if she's on unnecessary hormonal contraception and she's spending her fertile years with someone who is lying to her about the potential for them having more children together.
ForagingForMullberries · 28/12/2021 18:17

@gingerbreadhotel

Absolutely, as I've said his body has choice but to go ahead and keep it quiet allowing their dp to envisage having more dc,, OP had no time to process together with her dp about this choice, of course the outcome may well have been he still had the vasectomy but the fact he took no regard to her feelings about it all was cruel imo. I would not be happy. It's the fact OP may never have found out and was still on bc is deceitful imo and not a sign of a good and decent dp.
OP herself is the one who doesn't appear to be a good and decent dp, she comes across as abusive, coercive and manipulative, not to mention punitive.
FabulousMrFifty · 28/12/2021 18:19

His marriage is now over, so he did really well didn't he?

The marriage was probably over no matter what, clearly he didn’t want any more children, and judging by the response, she probably does.

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 28/12/2021 18:20

DH and I have agreed no more DC we're both sure and he said before we even had DS over we were done he would be happy to have a vasectomy after we were done having children so I had more choice around whether I want to be on hormonal contraception (I have other hormonal issues so it's not just for contraception for me anyway), he hasn't had it done yet mainly because I didn't want him going into a hospital during Covid for something that wasn't completely necessary. Even though we've had the conversations mate the decision etc if he did it behind my back I'd be upset that he hadn't told me, I wouldn't expect him to keep any surgery a secret so it would strike me as very odd and would raise questions about our relationship and communication.