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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my XH's GF to limit messages to my DS

147 replies

lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 11:43

Bit of context
My XH has been with his GF for the 4 years since we divorced.
She is a stable relationship and my DS sees her often - although she hasn't moved in with my XH.
I too, have had a BF for 4 years, I too, do not live with him.
My XH is a narcissist and I have to limit contact with him because he is very controlling and down right nasty. Also, it is because of this that I haven't once met his GF.
We co-parent, and I try to parallel parent (meaning I limit contact as much as possible because of my XH behaviour).

So here's the question:
My DS gets quite a few messages from my XH's GF while he is with me. Even while we're on holiday.
Is it unreasonable of me to think she should respect my time with my son and not message unnecessarily?
I would not dream of messaging my BF's kids while they are with their mum.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/12/2021 11:45

No age?

penguinwithasuitcase · 28/12/2021 11:46

What kind of messages are they, and how old is your DS?

Withnailandyou · 28/12/2021 11:47

Impossible to say based on that information?
What is the content of the messages?
How many are there? Is he replying? How old is he?

My step parent for example would text me and say how did xyz go? If we'd spoken about being worried about when I was there. She'd also ask about things like plans for when I'm with them, dinner options etc

It all felt normal and natural. I was an early teen. Sometimes we'd have a text conversation but sometimes it was shorter

If she's texted a hundred times and your son isn't replying or is younger then that's different

Sirzy · 28/12/2021 11:47

How old is he?

Personally I wokld look at it from his POV and how good it is for him he has a good relationship with her.

oftenbaffled · 28/12/2021 11:48

When you say “a few”
Without any exaggeration
How many are we talking?

Bluntness100 · 28/12/2021 11:49

More context please, how old is he, what are the messages about, how many and is he fine with it.

Monday55 · 28/12/2021 11:49

If they have become friends and your son is not complaining to you about it then surely all is ok.

Withnailandyou · 28/12/2021 11:49

I liked it to be honest, because it felt like things had some continuity, that I was being asked about things like planned. Otherwise I would have felt a bit like I only existed to my dad and that side of the family at odd weekends, it would be weird if we spoke about something and then they didn't mention it for 2 weeks because it wasn't their time with me.

penguinwithasuitcase · 28/12/2021 11:53

@Withnailandyou

I liked it to be honest, because it felt like things had some continuity, that I was being asked about things like planned. Otherwise I would have felt a bit like I only existed to my dad and that side of the family at odd weekends, it would be weird if we spoke about something and then they didn't mention it for 2 weeks because it wasn't their time with me.
Love this –absolutely agree.

Makes me very uncomfortable when parents start to get possessive of their kids in a time-bound way –starts to feel like children playing tug-of-war over a toy ("It's MY turn, stop touching it!")

A child is a person, not a holiday time-share.

That said, if the messages are unwelcome or manipulative, that's a different matter.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 28/12/2021 11:53

Op I have exactly this. Whilst I can appreciate the positives (ie nice that there is a relationship there) I also agree it's annoying. My ex's GF faced timed my DS last night in his room. I wouldn't mind but I had only just got my DC back after spending Christmas with them. Similarly we're watching a film a few weeks ago and she kept sending him funny animal clips.
So yes I do take on board what people are saying about the positives. But that doesn't mean we aren't allowed to feel a bit irked by it. If you share parenting with an ex, you are already spending far less time with your DC than you would like, making the time you have even more precious than it would normally be so I think it's completely understandable to want that time together to count.

nitsandwormsdodger · 28/12/2021 11:54

Itself depends on why she is messaging and the effect it’s having on your son ?
If it’s to annoy you and for your ex to be controlling via her then it it needs dealing with
You could say to her “I’m so glad you have a positive relationship with my son but I’d prefere him to use his phone less , he will only reply once a day .... or whatever you think is reasonable

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2021 11:59

@lemonsaretheonlyfruit

Op I have exactly this. Whilst I can appreciate the positives (ie nice that there is a relationship there) I also agree it's annoying. My ex's GF faced timed my DS last night in his room. I wouldn't mind but I had only just got my DC back after spending Christmas with them. Similarly we're watching a film a few weeks ago and she kept sending him funny animal clips. So yes I do take on board what people are saying about the positives. But that doesn't mean we aren't allowed to feel a bit irked by it. If you share parenting with an ex, you are already spending far less time with your DC than you would like, making the time you have even more precious than it would normally be so I think it's completely understandable to want that time together to count.
Is that not up to you as a parent to limit the amount of time he spends on his phone?

It could just as easily be his friend sending clips/Facetiming etc and it'd still cut into your time together.

Aprilx · 28/12/2021 12:01

It doesn’t seem unreasonable (for her to text him) so far. I think you may need to comment further on age and frequency and purpose of texts.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 28/12/2021 12:13

@WorraLiberty
Can I ask- have you been in this position too?

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2021 12:24

[quote lemonsaretheonlyfruit]@WorraLiberty
Can I ask- have you been in this position too? [/quote]
Yes I have.

And like most parents I've limited screen time, especially if we were sitting down to watch a film. Even me and my DH would put our phones away for that.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 28/12/2021 12:27

I think it depends on the age of the DC. It maybe that they have asked before leaving that the other "side" text/facetime etc so as not to think that it is a case of "out of sight ,out of mind". If your child is happy with it then it's probably best not to say anything. FWIW I have been both parent and step-parent and honestly, it wouldn't be something I would get upset about. I'd just be happy that my child had not been "forgotten" about" during the times she was not with them.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 28/12/2021 12:31

It's not just about watching a film or screen time which is a separate issue in my mind. It's in general.

Unlike the op I wouldn't say anything to my DS about it irking me (as he shares the funny pictures she sends and we laugh about them and chat about the GF in a positive way etc) nor would I say anything to the GF.
Equally I do think it's understandable to find it a little annoying if it's to excess. I think some contact is great for continuation purposes however.

Original poster
lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 12:37

Thanks for your replies.

People have asked for further context.
My DS is 12 yo, 13 in January.
The messages are now mostly about her dog as my son likes the dog (even calls it 'his dog, sometimes).
It's things like a video of the dog opening it's Christmas present and the dog likes my DS's blanket.

But...
There have been messages with her in the gym pumping iron with my XH in the background.
Not in a disgusting way but still - really!!

My point is, that they are unnecessary messages.

My DS does not reply.

I'd be ok if it was a 'happy Christmas' or a 'how did you do in your test, or do you feel better after covid'.
But they're not.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 28/12/2021 12:40

I agree with you, that she should respect his time with you.

However, with a difficult XH, how would you request this? Is she as difficult as him? She obviously doesn't understand boundaries.

A normal person, I would ask her to not message while he is with you, but I would be wary of showing your weak spot and them then playing on it.

Great that your son doesn't respond though.

Withnailandyou · 28/12/2021 12:44

Does your son know how you feel?
I initially didnt respond because my mum was clearly put out by it

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2021 12:44

@lifecanbelovely

Thanks for your replies.

People have asked for further context.
My DS is 12 yo, 13 in January.
The messages are now mostly about her dog as my son likes the dog (even calls it 'his dog, sometimes).
It's things like a video of the dog opening it's Christmas present and the dog likes my DS's blanket.

But...
There have been messages with her in the gym pumping iron with my XH in the background.
Not in a disgusting way but still - really!!

My point is, that they are unnecessary messages.

My DS does not reply.

I'd be ok if it was a 'happy Christmas' or a 'how did you do in your test, or do you feel better after covid'.
But they're not.

Why does he not reply?

Is it because he's unhappy with the messages or because he knows you are unhappy with them?

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2021 12:46

A normal person, I would ask her to not message while he is with you, but I would be wary of showing your weak spot and them then playing on it.

He's 13 though, he can ask her himself.

Or just carry on ignoring them in which case, I don't really see the OP's problem.

NataliaSerene · 28/12/2021 12:58

Would you prefer your son feel he has to have two separate lives and not share anything about his other life with you?

unname · 28/12/2021 12:59

@WorraLiberty

It will be because he wants to please his mom. How very sad to put a child in this position.

Original poster
lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 13:05

@WorraLiberty
You're wrong.
It's because he's a borderline teenage boy.
He doesn't reply to anyone, including me or his dad and has to be prompted when you're asking something you need an answer to.
He likes seeing the videos of the dog and he shows them to me, and I watch and I say 'ahh isn't that cute' and all the right things.
So @WorraLiberty that's an assumption you should not have made, far less posted it.

OP posts: