Page 4 | To want my XH's GF to limit messages to my DS

lifecanbelovely · 2021-12-28T11:43:51+00:00

Bit of context My XH has been with his GF for the 4 years since we divorced. She is a stable relationship and my DS sees her often - although she hasn't moved in with my XH. I too, have had a BF for 4 years, I too, do not live with him. My XH is a narcissist and I have to limit contact with him because he is very controlling and down right nasty. Also, it is because of this that I haven't once met his GF. We co-parent, and I try to parallel parent (meaning I limit contact as much as possible because of my XH behaviour). So here's the question: My DS gets quite a few messages from my XH's GF while he is with me. Even while we're on holiday. Is it unreasonable of me to think she should respect my time with my son and not message unnecessarily? I would not dream of messaging my BF's kids while they are with their mum.

Rno3gfr · 28/12/2021 16:19

I understand why you’re out off by it. If they’re mostly about the dog then it’s harmless and probably just something easy to bond over. At least she makes an effort to include him, especially as it’s nice to make children feel like an animal they love is also ‘theirs’. However, the gym posts and stuff is a bit over the top. I’m sure as he gets older he’ll get bored of it and ignore it.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2021 16:23

The gym pics might not be odd in actual context.

If for example he'd been asking her about it etc.

Queenoftrivialpersuit · 28/12/2021 16:23

Also I will give you the benefit of the doubt as I am sure there is a back story. But honestly it sounds slightly unhinged that you don’t want someone who has a relationship with your son to send nicemessages to him.

Just stop and think what you would say to a friend if they had this kind of reaction. You don’t own anyone or their time

Pleasebeafleabite · 28/12/2021 16:36

There’s a bandwagon rolling now on this thread OP but I’d be pretty confident that a fair few of the cool posters who are asking you to examine yourself would be equally irritated if this was actually happening in their lives rather than as a warm fuzzy concept of a young man who can’t have enough people who care about him

Great that she gets on with your son. She doesn’t however need to be cocking her leg up at regular intervals to emphasise the point

daytriptovulcan · 28/12/2021 16:39

Turn his phone off when he gets to yours. Buy him another cheap phone, with a new sim, which he has when he's with you.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2021 16:40

I’d be pretty confident that a fair few of the cool posters who are asking you to examine yourself would be equally irritated if this was actually happening in their lives rather than as a warm fuzzy concept of a young man who can’t have enough people who care about him

Can you say why you're so confident?

Is it because they think/act differently to you?

Queenoftrivialpersuit · 28/12/2021 16:45

Brothers, uncles, work colleagues, friends, Xhusbands, god parents, aunties, girlfriends, maybe a boyfriend of yours one day.
These will all be people who have personal interactions with your son that are out of your control
If you don’t want them to, ban him from having a phone and wait for an inevitable fallout, this is not the hill to die on. In any way shape or form.

BobLemon · 28/12/2021 16:50

I think Bluntness has it TBH

oftenbaffled · 28/12/2021 16:51

@daytriptovulcan

Turn his phone off when he gets to yours. Buy him another cheap phone, with a new sim, which he has when he's with you.

Yes do this.

If you want to piss your relationship with your son up the wall

Starseeking · 28/12/2021 16:55

It is unreasonable of you to mind, as reading through, the only person you object to texting your DS is your XH's DF. Because she send messages which encroach on hour time, Bhutto if it were anyone else, they wouldn't be doing exactly the same.

Despite your protestations, it sounds like you have a big issue with her, which I hope your DS hasn't picked up on (unlikely), and this needs to be acknowledged by you, so you can woke out a peaceful way to move on mentally.

Starseeking · 28/12/2021 16:57

*sends messages
*your time
*but if
*work out

Somebodylikeyew · 28/12/2021 17:01

I think she’s trying to demonstrate that she’s a solid presence for good in his life- not a girlfriend who forgets her partner has a son the second he leaves, not a “wicked stepmother” who doesn’t want him around.

She’s trying to signal that he’s still thought of and part of their unit even when he’s not around, via photos of the dog, so that he knows he’s not forgotten.

I think it’s a really nice thing for her to do, and it would raise her in my estimation that she was bothering.

Why doesn’t your DH do it? Because, as you keep pointing out, he’s a narcissist. So he’s not going to be thinking of how to make your son feel included when he’s not there.

Be grateful your son spends half his life with her I reckon- it sounds like your ex has picked a good woman.

Fiftythreepercent · 28/12/2021 17:18

@WorraLiberty

I’d be pretty confident that a fair few of the cool posters who are asking you to examine yourself would be equally irritated if this was actually happening in their lives rather than as a warm fuzzy concept of a young man who can’t have enough people who care about him

Can you say why you're so confident?

Is it because they think/act differently to you?

Do people not think differently to you?

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2021 17:21

Do people not think differently to you?

Yes of course they do and as an adult I accept that, rather than calling people liars

Fiftythreepercent · 28/12/2021 17:31

@WorraLiberty

Do people not think differently to you?

Yes of course they do and as an adult I accept that, rather than calling people liars

If you and I both have a 12 yo son being texted by an unrelated grown adult woman we can both speak from experience can’t we?

Otherwise it’s a hypothetical concept

Butchyrestingface · 28/12/2021 17:35

The messages are now mostly about her dog as my son likes the dog (even calls it 'his dog, sometimes).
It's things like a video of the dog opening it's Christmas present and the dog likes my DS's blanket.

I think that sounds lovely. She's thinking about something that will make your son happy to see when he's not there in person.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2021 17:38

@Fiftythreepercent

The poster I was replying to said...

I’d be pretty confident that a fair few of the cool posters who are asking you to examine yourself would be equally irritated if this was actually happening in their lives rather than as a warm fuzzy concept of a young man who can’t have enough people who care about him

That is nothing to do with speaking from experience and everything to do with assuming anyone with a different view is a liar/'cool poster'.

Sorry, I thought my post was clearer than it probably was.

Bluntness100 · 28/12/2021 17:39

Op, you sound angry, angry and resentful. I am not sure you’re being totally honest with yourself as to your justifications for your feelings.

It’s ok to still love him or be jealous of her. To want to find something to attack over. But try to put your son first. It is not about you,

But what is about you is yout anger and resentment and how you move forward.

Original poster

lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 17:46

@WorraLiberty
"I’d be pretty confident that a fair few of the cool posters who are asking you to examine yourself would be equally irritated if this was actually happening in their lives rather than as a warm fuzzy concept of a young man who can’t have enough people who care about him"

Thank you. I agree.
People are quick to produce this wonderful picture of a caring person who loves my son and wants the best for him.
Not as many people creating a picture of a GF who is trying her hardest to imbed herself into my DS's life so that my XH wants to keep her around!

OP posts:

Original poster

lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 17:47

*Embed

OP posts:

WonderfulYou · 28/12/2021 17:49

My XH is not nasty and abusive to my DS.

YABVU and pretty controlling.

If your XH is not nasty or abusive and the GF isn’t either then what’s the harm?

Im an adult and still get texts from my mum and dad and their partners. If I don’t want to text back then I don’t.

I think it’s lovely that a new partner is making such an effort with a child. There are too many threads about crap step parents so I think you need to put your jealousy aside and think about what is best for your son.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2021 17:50

[quote lifecanbelovely]@WorraLiberty
"I’d be pretty confident that a fair few of the cool posters who are asking you to examine yourself would be equally irritated if this was actually happening in their lives rather than as a warm fuzzy concept of a young man who can’t have enough people who care about him"

Thank you. I agree.
People are quick to produce this wonderful picture of a caring person who loves my son and wants the best for him.
Not as many people creating a picture of a GF who is trying her hardest to imbed herself into my DS's life so that my XH wants to keep her around![/quote]
"I’d be pretty confident that a fair few of the cool posters who are asking you to examine yourself would be equally irritated if this was actually happening in their lives rather than as a warm fuzzy concept of a young man who can’t have enough people who care about him"

No need to thank me as again, it wasn't my post 🤷 🤣

WonderfulYou · 28/12/2021 17:50

Not as many people creating a picture of a GF who is trying her hardest to imbed herself into my DS's life so that my XH wants to keep her around!

This sounds like you want XH back!

Is that why you are jealous of her?
From what you describe you are better off without him so you need to try and stop these feelings.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2021 17:51

And to be honest, I couldn't disagree with it more.

Original poster

lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 17:53

@WonderfulYou

Not as many people creating a picture of a GF who is trying her hardest to imbed herself into my DS's life so that my XH wants to keep her around!

This sounds like you want XH back!

Is that why you are jealous of her?
From what you describe you are better off without him so you need to try and stop these feelings.

No you don't get it. I'm manufacturing a situation that is the opposite of what some are posting to demonstrate my point. I don't think this.

OP posts: