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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want my XH's GF to limit messages to my DS

147 replies

lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 11:43

Bit of context
My XH has been with his GF for the 4 years since we divorced.
She is a stable relationship and my DS sees her often - although she hasn't moved in with my XH.
I too, have had a BF for 4 years, I too, do not live with him.
My XH is a narcissist and I have to limit contact with him because he is very controlling and down right nasty. Also, it is because of this that I haven't once met his GF.
We co-parent, and I try to parallel parent (meaning I limit contact as much as possible because of my XH behaviour).

So here's the question:
My DS gets quite a few messages from my XH's GF while he is with me. Even while we're on holiday.
Is it unreasonable of me to think she should respect my time with my son and not message unnecessarily?
I would not dream of messaging my BF's kids while they are with their mum.

OP posts:
coconuthead · 28/12/2021 15:32

And I might add that my daughter loves my fiancée and probably says similar about him to her dad! It's just part and parcel of 'blended' families I'm afraid!

oftenbaffled · 28/12/2021 15:37

You would prefer the nasty and abusive XH to intrude on your time
Rather than this apparently completely innocent long term girlfriend?

I think it’s lovely.I hope you message him too when he’s with his father

It’s not about respecting the other parent
It’s about what is good for the child

Original poster
lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 15:44

@unname

I think given your attitude it’s a pretty good assumption.

Kids pick up on these things.

It isn't
OP posts:
Original poster
lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 15:48

@TinyLittlePandaSneeze

So why doesn't my XH send them?

You'd be OK with XH "not respecting" your time with your son but not his GF? So it is about the GF.
Would it be better for you if they hated each other and they both resented each others existence?

No, not sure I posted those words. My point here is that I think it's respectful to step away when your partners kids are with their other parent. It's about respect and sensitivity. That's all.

I am glad my son gets on with her, although it's not all roses and he tells me of times when he hasn't been happy in my XH and GF's presence.
But I did my best to support their decision making.

At the end of the day, I think it's ok to expect that my XH's GF should be mindful of my time with my son.

OP posts:
Original poster
lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 15:51

@mygenericusername

Are you sure that your ex is the narcissist? You are being controlling. Be grateful your son has a SM that likes and cares about him
Yes. I'm very sure. And that's why I left him after decades of being together. Please do not use this thread to question whether my XH is a narcissist. It's taken me a very long time to start rebuilding myself from my relationship with him.
OP posts:
Original poster
lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 15:52

@oftenbaffled

You would prefer the nasty and abusive XH to intrude on your time Rather than this apparently completely innocent long term girlfriend?

I think it’s lovely.I hope you message him too when he’s with his father

It’s not about respecting the other parent
It’s about what is good for the child

My XH is not nasty and abusive to my DS.
OP posts:
TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 15:52

At the end of the day, I think it's ok to expect that my XH's GF should be mindful of my time with my son

But you're OK with XH texting?
And his friends?
And his other relatives?

Like it or not she is family now. You'll come across really controlling if you try and give her allocated times she can text your son.

Just tell your son to get off his phone if it annoys you that he's on it when he's with you.

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 15:53

My XH is not nasty and abusive to my DS is the GF?

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2021 15:53

It's about respect and sensitivity.

Why does she need to be 'sensitive' about contacting your son when he's with you, if you really don't have a problem with their relationship?

I am glad my son gets on with her, although it's not all roses and he tells me of times when he hasn't been happy in my XH and GF's presence.

This ^^ will be exactly the same as when he's with you sometimes, because that's life.

oftenbaffled · 28/12/2021 15:54

* It's about respect and sensitivity.*

Op, it isn’t, it really isn’t

It’s about your child.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 28/12/2021 15:54

My point here is that I think it's respectful to step away when your partners kids are with their other parent

But you said you wouldn't mind his dad sending him messages. I don't see why it's any different. You sound jealous of their relationship even if you can't see that

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 15:54

Is it unreasonable of me to think she should respect my time these were your words sorry I misquoted. I don't think it changes the content of my post though.

oftenbaffled · 28/12/2021 15:55

So you’d want someone nasty and abusive to you…. To intrude on your time

But not someone completely fine?

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 15:55

I am glad my son gets on with her, although it's not all roses and he tells me of times when he hasn't been happy in my XH and GF's presence. he's probably not happy in your presence sometimes. This is life. It's not all sunshine and roses.

oftenbaffled · 28/12/2021 15:56

Do you get annoyed when he is messaged by his friends?

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 15:56

@oftenbaffled

So you’d want someone nasty and abusive to you…. To intrude on your time

But not someone completely fine?

I don't get this either tbh OP.
oftenbaffled · 28/12/2021 15:57

You’re at a fork OP

You can let this go
Or you can whine and huff when she messages your son, so that you make your son feel awkward and guilty, and stuck in the middle (even more so), and then starts concealing it from you

LoveGoldberg · 28/12/2021 15:59

I disagree that it’s rude and that she needs to respect your time with him. I message my step kids frequently and send them pictures of the pets. They are with us half of their lives, they are whole people not kids with two half lives that they can’t discuss at the other house.
My Mum never let us talk about my Dads house growing up and my Dad did the same about my Mums - It was like having two lives that I had to keep apart and I hated it. I imagine my Mum would have been the same as you about the messaging. If you say anything to your son then you are at risk of forcing him to keep secrets.

harriethoyle · 28/12/2021 15:59

YABU. Your son not only doesn't mind but likes getting the dog photos and videos. You're weirdly territorial about your son in respect of your XH's GF who just sounds like she's being a nice person to your DS. You should be grateful for that.

Original poster
lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 15:59

@coconuthead

My 5 yo daughter loves her (narc) dads gf and at first I was a bit jealous but now I just accept it and make all the right noises when she says how nice she is. I'm actually really glad she's kind to her and not horrible, the more people that love and care for my daughter the better.

Imagine your son was saying he hated dads gf and that she was mean to him, surely the odd message about the dog is a sign she cares for him, personally I'd put your own feelings aside here and see it as a good thing.

Yes I too was a bit jealous at the beginning. For example, when my XH's GF bought my DS a soft toy that was extremely similar to the one I had bought for him, I was really put out by her doing so. But I later realised that she was probably only trying to make him happy by giving him something similar to what she knew he liked a lot. My first thought was 'why are you trying to buy him something that his mum bought him and he's really fond of'? But I do think this is part of the separation process. I was jealous at first because I didn't want to leave my XH, it took me years to come to terms with the fact that I'd have to. So when we split, I still loved him. I have tried extremely hard to keep any negative thoughts and opinions from my DS.
OP posts:
EmmaWoodhousestreehouse · 28/12/2021 15:59

@oftenbaffled

Let it go OP Please

This is good for your son
Another person in his life who loves him and looking out for him.

This.

I do think you’re overreacting OP.

KylieKoKo · 28/12/2021 16:05

You'e trying to make this about you when in reality it's nothing to do with you. It sounds to me like she's encouraged him to feel like her dog is his dog to make him feel included in the family and sends him pictures to make him happy. Nothing to do with respecting or disrespecting you.

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 16:12

@KylieKoKo

You'e trying to make this about you when in reality it's nothing to do with you. It sounds to me like she's encouraged him to feel like her dog is his dog to make him feel included in the family and sends him pictures to make him happy. Nothing to do with respecting or disrespecting you.
I agree I think its really nice she's making him feel part of the family even when he's not there
Spidey66 · 28/12/2021 16:14

The pics of the dog are fine, especially as likes the dog. I think that's sweet and totally appropriate. Posting pics at the gym is odd though.

Queenoftrivialpersuit · 28/12/2021 16:18

One thing you should realise in life is the more people that care and love the people you care and love, then all the better.
You cannot have too many people that care about you.