To want my XH's GF to limit messages to my DS

[lifecanbelovely]

Bit of context
My XH has been with his GF for the 4 years since we divorced.
She is a stable relationship and my DS sees her often - although she hasn't moved in with my XH.
I too, have had a BF for 4 years, I too, do not live with him.
My XH is a narcissist and I have to limit contact with him because he is very controlling and down right nasty. Also, it is because of this that I haven't once met his GF.
We co-parent, and I try to parallel parent (meaning I limit contact as much as possible because of my XH behaviour).

So here's the question:
My DS gets quite a few messages from my XH's GF while he is with me. Even while we're on holiday.
Is it unreasonable of me to think she should respect my time with my son and not message unnecessarily?
I would not dream of messaging my BF's kids while they are with their mum.

What irritates me is that she cannot be respectful of my time with my son.

I don't understand what the GF is doing that is so disrespectful. What is it that her messages prevent your DS from actually doing with you during "your time"? As you said earlier, he doesn't even reply! It must take him about 10 seconds to read the message, laugh and close the message.

Has your DS ever said he'd prefer not to receive any messages from his dad's GF?

What irritates me is that she cannot be respectful of my time with my son.

What about other family members or his friends?

Are they allowed to text him or is that not respecting your time with your son either?

I'm sorry but you're not coming across well at all here! She's been in his life for 4 years? Why can't she be in touch with him while he's with you? It's weird that you think that IMO. I also find it odd that, after 4 years, you don't think your partner's kids are anything to do with you when they're not with you.

If you feel your son looking at a message from her when he's with you is being disrespectful of your time together then tell him not to go on his phone during those times

I respect that I am not part of their family. I find this really sad if you have been with your BF for a while. I'm a SM and I very much see the DSC as my family.

@WonderfulYou

Speaking as a single mum myself, I'd much rather any new woman in my EXDP's life takes an interest in including my DC in their family life, rather than pretending they don't exist when they are not around.

I agree.

I think sometimes it’s actually harder to see a new GF with your ex when your ex was horrible in your relationship but you need to try and not take out your feelings on her when she’s innocent.
I think in this situation you need to put your feelings aside and just focus on how your son feels.

'I think sometimes it’s actually harder to see a new GF with your ex when your ex was horrible in your relationship but you need to try and not take out your feelings on her when she’s innocent. I think in this situation you need to put your feelings aside and just focus on how your son feels.'

Ok
I think this is what it might be.
I think I feel that because she is happy with my XH and I know him to be a narcissist and an abusive man, I think I feel that she may be this way too, and therefore I don't want that brought into my life or my DS's any more when I've worked so hard to keep this out.
I think that by her sending messages I see a sinister reason, because that's the way my XH behaved. Everything had a manipulative purpose to it.

'Your time' with your son? He's a human being, you don't own him when he's with you. If he doesn't have a problem with it, you shouldn't either. You sound insecure and controlling.

OP if this helps (which it might given the tone of the thread) when my ex partner and his ex wife went through court for their CAO order re their DD one of the things that was made clear in no uncertain terms to ex-wife is that she was allowed phone and text contact whenever she pleased, however she had to keep it to a minimum in order to ‘best stick to the efficacy and importance of child’s time with father’ basically she was calling and texting pretty much every hour of every day even sending messages in the night. The judge presiding didn’t like this and neither did cafcass, she was strongly encouraged to keep it to a minimum and let her DD have some downtime with dad.

Not quite the same scenario but what I’m getting at is that I think I understand where you’re coming from and sometimes so do the prowess that be, does it just feel all a little excessive and invasive and whilst you understand it’s just texts are you wishing for some quiet quality time with your son?

All children are entitled to uninterrupted quality time with their parents.

Ok
I think this is what it might be.
I think I feel that because she is happy with my XH and I know him to be a narcissist and an abusive man, I think I feel that she may be this way too, and therefore I don't want that brought into my life or my DS's any more when I've worked so hard to keep this out.
I think that by her sending messages I see a sinister reason, because that's the way my XH behaved. Everything had a manipulative purpose to it.

I remember a thread that was quite similar. I think it was the ex’s mum that she was struggling with as she couldn’t separate her feelings because her ex had been so awful to her.

You are just trying to protect your son which is great. But it sounds like he’s capable of doing this himself if he doesn’t always reply.

I think I feel that because she is happy with my XH and I know him to be a narcissist and an abusive man, I think she may be this way too, and therefore I don't want that brought into my life or my DS's any more when I've worked so hard to keep this out.

The romantic relationship your XH has with his GF is not the same romantic relationship he had with you though, so that's an unfair comparison. Nothing in what you have written about the GF and the messages suggests she is in any way abusive.

Also, for some years you were also happy with your XH when he was your DH, and nobody would suggest that you must also be a narcissist and abusive simply because you had a relationship with him.

You should reflect on how you reached this way of thinking, because I really can't see that the GF is doing something awful in including your DS in family things, particularly around her dog that your DS refers to as his. It shows that your DS is sees her and the dog as part of his family unit (you are also his family unit, just a different one, and there's nothing wrong with that).

Most narcissists don’t attract other narcissistic people they attract overly empathetic people.

Not as many people creating a picture of a GF who is trying her hardest to imbed herself into my DS's life so that my XH wants to keep her around

Op, I mean this gently. Take a step back. She knows that doesn’t work, otherwise he’d still be with you.

He is unlikely to “keep her around” becayse primarily she gets on with yout son. They will be together because they want to be and likely love each other.

What will you do when they live together? How will you cope?

Lachimolala
when my ex partner and his ex wife went through court for their CAO order re their DD one of the things that was made clear in no uncertain terms to ex-wife is that she was allowed phone and text contact* whenever she pleased, however she had to keep it to a minimum in order to ‘best stick to the efficacy and importance of child’s time with father’ basically she was calling and texting pretty much every hour of every day even sending messages in the night. The* judge presiding didn’t like this and neither did cafcass, she was strongly encouraged to keep it to a minimum and let her DD have some downtime with dad.

Sensible, thankfully

Thank you.
I think it is important to allow that as an ex wife I can have a life with my DS without my XH's GF bring in it

WonderfulYou

Your comment to me is stupid so im not reprinting it here

You mentioned porn - not me. Im not a fan of it but if you are and your mind is in the gutter thats your issue. I don't need to know thanks

Its completely fine it bothers you, whatever the reason. But you really do need to keep it to yourself and not say anything to anyone other then close, trusted family/friends. Don't show what bothers you to ex or the gf. They'll see it as a weak point and use it.

This sounds more like denial. You would rather not hear about details of your son’s life with his father and GF.
Obviously you don’t want to say that to your son.
Don’t worry about it soon he will not be showing you anything on his phone

@Upsidedownpineapplecake

This sounds more like denial. You would rather not hear about details of your son’s life with his father and GF. Obviously you don’t want to say that to your son. Don’t worry about it soon he will not be showing you anything on his phone

What a lovely, well thought out message

@Steelesauce

Its completely fine it bothers you, whatever the reason. But you really do need to keep it to yourself and not say anything to anyone other then close, trusted family/friends. Don't show what bothers you to ex or the gf. They'll see it as a weak point and use it.

I don't share this with anyone, least of all my DS. I'm incredibly careful not to pass on any negative thoughts or feelings to my DS.

I think if you can grit your teeth, say 'ahh' occasionally as you do now, and provide a stable unchanging stability for your DS - whether or not this woman stays or goes - that would be best for your DS. He does not sound overly invested at this stage and she, most likely, is being kind - possibly to impress your Ex, or possibly because she is just kind and wants to attempt to build a relationship with your DS which may or may not last. I agree this must be deeply irritating but if anything she is likely to be the next victim of your ex rather than a co- narcissist. Try to focus on your unit and ignore what is going on elsewhere even if messages are coming in. That would be my perspective on it anyway.

I really don't understand this point of view.

When my son still contacted his father (a completely separate issue) he would face time/phone/message not only his dad but his dad's girlfriend, his uncle (dad's brother), his uncle's girlfriend and his paternal grandmother several times a week - messages almost daily with hour long phone calls several times a week. He was in contact with them almost as often as he was with my family and my husband's family. It never once bothered me because all (with the exception of his dad) of those people were people who care about my son and were his family of extended family through various relationships. It was an incredibly positive experience for him and allowed him to

My son only went EOW from Friday night to Sunday night meaning that in a 14 day period there was really only 1 day where I didn't see him. I understood and appreciated that my child wanted a relationship with his family and that they too wanted to maintain this. It never felt like they were encroaching on my time with my child ever as I had so much more of it. It also wasn't done out of badness or to "spoil" anything.

My son no longer sees his father at all and, as such, doesn't message his girlfriend either. However he still phones and messages his uncle and grandmother frequently and it still doesn't feel like my time is being ruined.

From my perspective, based on my lived experiences, I just cannot agree with your POV OP and you do come across as being incredibly unreasonable.
As for this point "I am fairly sure that my DS would not receive messages from her if she were not with my XH.
She isn't his friend.
She is there because she is in a relationship with my XH," there isn't much to say apart from obviously but she is with his dad and has been in his life for 4 years so it does seem like a very redundant point.

@marly2

I think if you can grit your teeth, say 'ahh' occasionally as you do now, and provide a stable unchanging stability for your DS - whether or not this woman stays or goes - that would be best for your DS. He does not sound overly invested at this stage and she, most likely, is being kind - possibly to impress your Ex, or possibly because she is just kind and wants to attempt to build a relationship with your DS which may or may not last. I agree this must be deeply irritating but if anything she is likely to be the next victim of your ex rather than a co- narcissist. Try to focus on your unit and ignore what is going on elsewhere even if messages are coming in. That would be my perspective on it anyway.

Thanks. I appreciate your advice and believe you're right.

@lifecanbelovely

Thank you. I think it is important to allow that as an ex wife I can have a life with my DS without my XH's GF bring in it

But she could effectively become his step mother, for him it’s best they di have a good relationship, her texts to him are fine, the issue is purely your resentment of them and her.