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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want my XH's GF to limit messages to my DS

147 replies

lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 11:43

Bit of context
My XH has been with his GF for the 4 years since we divorced.
She is a stable relationship and my DS sees her often - although she hasn't moved in with my XH.
I too, have had a BF for 4 years, I too, do not live with him.
My XH is a narcissist and I have to limit contact with him because he is very controlling and down right nasty. Also, it is because of this that I haven't once met his GF.
We co-parent, and I try to parallel parent (meaning I limit contact as much as possible because of my XH behaviour).

So here's the question:
My DS gets quite a few messages from my XH's GF while he is with me. Even while we're on holiday.
Is it unreasonable of me to think she should respect my time with my son and not message unnecessarily?
I would not dream of messaging my BF's kids while they are with their mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 13:08

@Chamomileteaplease

I agree with you, that she should respect his time with you.

However, with a difficult XH, how would you request this? Is she as difficult as him? She obviously doesn't understand boundaries.

A normal person, I would ask her to not message while he is with you, but I would be wary of showing your weak spot and them then playing on it.

Great that your son doesn't respond though.

I have to say, I wouldn't dare ask her to limit or stop. I just try not to get irked by it, but I do find it annoying that she can't switch it off a bit when we're on holiday for example. Just leave me and my DS to have some personal time together.
OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 28/12/2021 13:11

Would it annoy you as much if it was a friend of his or his dad messaging him while you were together? Is it just because it's her?

KylieKoKo · 28/12/2021 13:11

I message DSDs sometimes and they message their mum when they are here. They also message dp when they are with their mum. It's never occurred to any of us to try and police this as, like another poster said, they are autonomous human beings not toys to have a "turn" with.

If your son likes the dog videos and they're not inappropriate I think you should leave them to it. It sounds like they have a nice relationship and that is what is best for your son. Please don't try and change it to make yourself feel better it's not fair on him.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2021 13:11

[quote lifecanbelovely]@WorraLiberty
You're wrong.
It's because he's a borderline teenage boy.
He doesn't reply to anyone, including me or his dad and has to be prompted when you're asking something you need an answer to.
He likes seeing the videos of the dog and he shows them to me, and I watch and I say 'ahh isn't that cute' and all the right things.
So @WorraLiberty that's an assumption you should not have made, far less posted it.[/quote]
Well to be fair, I didn't post it Confused

Original poster
lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 13:11

@WorraLiberty

A normal person, I would ask her to not message while he is with you, but I would be wary of showing your weak spot and them then playing on it.

He's 13 though, he can ask her himself.

Or just carry on ignoring them in which case, I don't really see the OP's problem.

I don't think he cares either way when she messages him. He likes to see images and pictures of the dog.

I kind of get the feeling she 'needs' to keep connected to my DS as perhaps she feels it will help with her relationship with my XH.
Maybe she's started to feel like I used to, a bit vulnerable and not very important.
Who knows.

OP posts:
Original poster
lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 13:14

Oh my @WorraLiberty I'm so sorry, you certainly didn't.
Please accept my apologies. That'll teach me to pay more attention!!
Sorry Confused

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/12/2021 13:15

@lifecanbelovely

Oh my *@WorraLiberty* I'm so sorry, you certainly didn't. Please accept my apologies. That'll teach me to pay more attention!! Sorry Confused
No problem OP! Xmas Grin
Original poster
lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 13:15

[quote unname]@WorraLiberty

It will be because he wants to please his mom. How very sad to put a child in this position.[/quote]
This message now to the right person
@unname

You're wrong.
It's because he's a borderline teenage boy.
He doesn't reply to anyone, including me or his dad and has to be prompted when you're asking something you need an answer to.
He likes seeing the videos of the dog and he shows them to me, and I watch and I say 'ahh isn't that cute' and all the right things.
So @unname that's an assumption you should not have made, far less posted it.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 28/12/2021 13:18

It's important to tell teens and tweens that they don't have to answer (or look) just because a notification has come through. As well as using DND when watching a film etc.
He's getting to an age were it's upto him to handle his relationships.

"I kind of get the feeling she 'needs' to keep connected to my DS as perhaps she feels it will help with her relationship with my XH.
Maybe she's started to feel like I used to, a bit vulnerable and not very important."

Or she wants to build a solid relationship with him for when the tough teenage years start. Teens don't always want to speak to their parents and another listening ear does no harm. It's better than out of sight, out of mind.

penguinwithasuitcase · 28/12/2021 13:47

I'm curious to hear what your thoughts are on what a PP mentioned, OP –if it were anyone other than her, would you feel irked in the same way?

If it were a friend Facetiming him, for example, or an aunt sending him dog / gym videos?

Besswess88 · 28/12/2021 13:53

I think the only thing that would bother me here was if your XH was behind this (as you limit his contact).

Otherwise it’s nice he has another adult in his life who cares about him surely?

Original poster
lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 14:28

@penguinwithasuitcase

I'm curious to hear what your thoughts are on what a PP mentioned, OP –if it were anyone other than her, would you feel irked in the same way?

If it were a friend Facetiming him, for example, or an aunt sending him dog / gym videos?

Nope. Doesn't bother me that he gets messages etc, from his friends. As long as it's not when I've asked him to put his phone aside, for meal times for example.
OP posts:
Original poster
lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 14:29

@Ponoka7

It's important to tell teens and tweens that they don't have to answer (or look) just because a notification has come through. As well as using DND when watching a film etc. He's getting to an age were it's upto him to handle his relationships.

"I kind of get the feeling she 'needs' to keep connected to my DS as perhaps she feels it will help with her relationship with my XH.
Maybe she's started to feel like I used to, a bit vulnerable and not very important."

Or she wants to build a solid relationship with him for when the tough teenage years start. Teens don't always want to speak to their parents and another listening ear does no harm. It's better than out of sight, out of mind.

I'd love to think that may be true. I'm not sure it is though.
OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 28/12/2021 14:41

He calls the dog 'his' dog sometimes. Perhaps he has said he misses the dog so ex gf sends pics and videos

Bluntness100 · 28/12/2021 14:41

Op. This is all about you. Your son has no issue with the messages, for h8m this is no big deal. You take no issue with his friends messaging him.

Just this woman. Which indicates sone form of insecurity or issue you have surrounding her, are you jealous of her? Threatened she may take your place with your son?

I’d examine what’s causing you to react like this.

Original poster
lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 15:19

@Bluntness100

Op. This is all about you. Your son has no issue with the messages, for h8m this is no big deal. You take no issue with his friends messaging him.

Just this woman. Which indicates sone form of insecurity or issue you have surrounding her, are you jealous of her? Threatened she may take your place with your son?

I’d examine what’s causing you to react like this.

I'm neither jealous or threatened. I'm offended by her lack of sensitivity around respecting my time with my DS.
OP posts:
Original poster
lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 15:20

@Hankunamatata

He calls the dog 'his' dog sometimes. Perhaps he has said he misses the dog so ex gf sends pics and videos
And that's ok. So why doesn't my XH send them?
OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/12/2021 15:23

So why doesn't my XH send them?

What difference would it make? It would still encroach on your time even though your DS isn't replying.

fitsandgiggles · 28/12/2021 15:24

Definitely just comes across that you don't like his new partner.

oftenbaffled · 28/12/2021 15:24

Let it go OP
Please

This is good for your son
Another person in his life who loves him and looking out for him.

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 15:24

You can't expect her to not contact your child during certain times. That's not how relationships and families work. What you can do is ask your son to put his phone in his room or something while you watch watch film undisturbed.

mygenericusername · 28/12/2021 15:25

Are you sure that your ex is the narcissist? You are being controlling. Be grateful your son has a SM that likes and cares about him

unname · 28/12/2021 15:26

I think given your attitude it’s a pretty good assumption.

Kids pick up on these things.

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 15:26

So why doesn't my XH send them?

You'd be OK with XH "not respecting" your time with your son but not his GF? So it is about the GF.
Would it be better for you if they hated each other and they both resented each others existence?

coconuthead · 28/12/2021 15:31

My 5 yo daughter loves her (narc) dads gf and at first I was a bit jealous but now I just accept it and make all the right noises when she says how nice she is. I'm actually really glad she's kind to her and not horrible, the more people that love and care for my daughter the better.

Imagine your son was saying he hated dads gf and that she was mean to him, surely the odd message about the dog is a sign she cares for him, personally I'd put your own feelings aside here and see it as a good thing.

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