Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my XH's GF to limit messages to my DS

147 replies

lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 11:43

Bit of context
My XH has been with his GF for the 4 years since we divorced.
She is a stable relationship and my DS sees her often - although she hasn't moved in with my XH.
I too, have had a BF for 4 years, I too, do not live with him.
My XH is a narcissist and I have to limit contact with him because he is very controlling and down right nasty. Also, it is because of this that I haven't once met his GF.
We co-parent, and I try to parallel parent (meaning I limit contact as much as possible because of my XH behaviour).

So here's the question:
My DS gets quite a few messages from my XH's GF while he is with me. Even while we're on holiday.
Is it unreasonable of me to think she should respect my time with my son and not message unnecessarily?
I would not dream of messaging my BF's kids while they are with their mum.

OP posts:
lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 28/12/2021 17:54

@Pleasebeafleabite

Totally agreed. It's a feeling that no one could really empathise with unless they have been there.

DeeCeeCherry · 28/12/2021 17:54

Laughable that people are purposely focusing on all else but conveniently not mentioning she's sending your boy pics of her pumping iron in the gym.

I mean, what for? Is this a thing?

Yes it's inappropriate all round, he's neither her age nor her mate. Nothing wrong with messaging sometimes (still not in gym gear working out tho) but if its loads of messages that is wrong.

However you'll get the minimising gleeful ghouls who pounce on an opportunity to make a Mum with concerns feel like shit and call her silly.

You should've posted this in Relationships. You can ask for it to be moved there

Original poster
lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 17:56

@WorraLiberty
Ok I'm getting confused by who's quoting what.
It's been a very long time since I was last on MN.
And the quoting is a new thing to me.
Sorry if you don't agree.
But it's hard to see why you don't agree that there could be another 'imagined' view of the story.
Don't you accept that at least?
I shall find the person who did write this - well, I'll try. Im being a bit of a Luddite.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 28/12/2021 17:59

No you don't get it. I'm manufacturing a situation that is the opposite of what some are posting to demonstrate my point.
I don't think this.

Sorry I missed that point.

I’m struggling to understand what your issue with her is.
If you don’t want her or friends or family messaging him when he’s with you then restrict the time he uses his phone. But I think it’s a good thing for him to learn himself how to create boundaries.
And it sounds like he enjoys messaging her especially about the dog.

Original poster
lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 17:59

@DeeCeeCherry

Laughable that people are purposely focusing on all else but conveniently not mentioning she's sending your boy pics of her pumping iron in the gym.

I mean, what for? Is this a thing?

Yes it's inappropriate all round, he's neither her age nor her mate. Nothing wrong with messaging sometimes (still not in gym gear working out tho) but if its loads of messages that is wrong.

However you'll get the minimising gleeful ghouls who pounce on an opportunity to make a Mum with concerns feel like shit and call her silly.

You should've posted this in Relationships. You can ask for it to be moved there

Yup
OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 28/12/2021 18:04

Yes it's inappropriate all round, he's neither her age nor her mate. Nothing wrong with messaging sometimes (still not in gym gear working out tho) but if its loads of messages that is wrong.

I think you watch too much porn.

There’s nothing sexual about working out whether in a gym, playing netball or going for a bike ride.

Go on any SM platform and people record and share their workouts all of the time.

Fiftythreepercent · 28/12/2021 18:06

@WorraLiberty sorry I get you now

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2021 18:07

[quote lifecanbelovely]@WorraLiberty
Ok I'm getting confused by who's quoting what.
It's been a very long time since I was last on MN.
And the quoting is a new thing to me.
Sorry if you don't agree.
But it's hard to see why you don't agree that there could be another 'imagined' view of the story.
Don't you accept that at least?
I shall find the person who did write this - well, I'll try. Im being a bit of a Luddite.[/quote]
Yes I accept that

But I think it's unlikely, due to your jealousy which is really quite apparent.

Therefore, I think the most likely scenario is that she genuinely likes your son.

Either way, he's nearly 13 and quite capable of dealing with a few text messages. I think you're giving the reasoning behind them far too much head space.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2021 18:08

[quote Fiftythreepercent]@WorraLiberty sorry I get you now[/quote]
Reading back I don't think I was as clear as I thought Blush

Original poster
lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 18:09

@WorraLiberty
Why is my 'jealousy' apparent please?

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 28/12/2021 18:12

Why is my 'jealousy' apparent please?

Do you have an issue with anyone else texting him when he’s with you?

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 28/12/2021 18:13

[quote lifecanbelovely]@WorraLiberty
Why is my 'jealousy' apparent please?[/quote]
You've said already that it would be ok if it was any of his mates or your DH. What exactly IS the reason you don't want her messaging him if it's not because you're jealous of them having a bond?

Original poster
lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 18:15

@WonderfulYou

Why is my 'jealousy' apparent please?

Do you have an issue with anyone else texting him when he’s with you?

My XH sometimes, depending on what it is. Sometimes he contacts my DS to check that I'm doing something. I've had a chat with my DS and asked him to please check things with me. I can't go in to much detail on this as I'll put myself.
OP posts:
TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 18:16

[quote lifecanbelovely]@WorraLiberty
Why is my 'jealousy' apparent please?[/quote]
You don't care if your abusive ExDH texts him but you do if it's her.

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 18:17

Is the gym thing like look I'm lifting looooads today? Maybe they are motivating each other to keep fit?

katkitty · 28/12/2021 18:18

I think this is something your son would need to tell them himself

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 28/12/2021 18:20

@TinyLittlePandaSneeze

Is the gym thing like look I'm lifting looooads today? Maybe they are motivating each other to keep fit?
I was going to suggest maybe it was a Snapchat? I've got friends who randomly send me photos of their day which they also put on their Snapchat story. So boring but it's a thing to send them to all and sundry with absolutely no context!
Starseeking · 28/12/2021 18:20

@DeeCeeCherry Ordinarily I'd think that sounded a bit odd, but the OP did say her XH was also in the pumping iron picture, and she also said there was nothing untoward about the picture itself. It also wasn't the focus of the OP's initial ire...but a drip feed after quite a few posts disagreeing with her perspective on the messaging.

OP sounds like she feels this woman is overstepping a boundary that she has only in relation to this woman having a place in her DC's life.

Speaking as a single mum myself, I'd much rather any new woman in my EXDP's life takes an interest in including my DC in their family life, rather than pretending they don't exist when they are not around.

pinkmews · 28/12/2021 18:21

It's totally fine if she's sending him pictures of what he calls his dog.

It's nice she has that relationship with him.

WonderfulYou · 28/12/2021 18:22

My XH sometimes, depending on what it is.
Sometimes he contacts my DS to check that I'm doing something.

I would completely understand if someone is sending messages to check up on you and find out too much information but it doesn’t sound like the GF is doing this and no matter how much of a twat your ex is you can’t dictate how much he or anyone else texts your son (as long as it’s nothing offensive or about you).

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 18:22

So boring but it's a thing to send them to all and sundry with absolutely no context! yeah it's like why do I need to see your legs on a rowing machine?

Original poster
lifecanbelovely · 28/12/2021 18:23

@sparepantsandtoothbrush

What irritates me is that she cannot be respectful of my time with my son.

As I have said, I wouldn't keep messaging my BF's kids while they are with their mum.
I respect that I am not part of their family.
I am around because I am with their dad.

I am fairly sure that my DS would not receive messages from her if she were not with my XH.
She isn't his friend.
She is there because she is in a relationship with my XH.

OP posts:
TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 18:24

What irritates me is that she cannot be respectful of my time with my son. she isn't doing anything disrespectful though?

Sirzy · 28/12/2021 18:25

If she wasn’t right your ex she wouldn’t be part of his life though so that’s a really bizzare comment.

You are turning it into a much bigger issue than it needs to be

WonderfulYou · 28/12/2021 18:26

Speaking as a single mum myself, I'd much rather any new woman in my EXDP's life takes an interest in including my DC in their family life, rather than pretending they don't exist when they are not around.

I agree.

I think sometimes it’s actually harder to see a new GF with your ex when your ex was horrible in your relationship but you need to try and not take out your feelings on her when she’s innocent.
I think in this situation you need to put your feelings aside and just focus on how your son feels.