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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Nephew is dog phobic. Visiting dilemma

634 replies

DaughterOfEvening · 27/12/2021 21:50

I’ve kept this quite vague as my SIL is on here. DB has asked to come and visit us with their children, all three over 6. We don’t live close by, a few hours drive. We have room for them to stay. They have not yet visited our house as we moved during lockdown. Their eldest is 12 and has always been dog phobic (will scream, cry, run away)
Phone call today from DB asking for detailed layout of the house and where the dogs will be as “Billy” won’t be in the same room as a dog. We have two very lazy dogs who sleep for 20+ hours a day. The dogs are not barkers or jumpers.

I have reassured him that neither dog will be wandering around and that they will stay on their respective beds in one room downstairs. The dogs have never been upstairs. Ever.
Brother has said that it’s not enough, that’s it’s nothing personal. He’s just not willing to put Billy under any stress.
I’m not sure if he’s expecting me to shut the dogs outside but if he asked this then my polite response would be oh dear, you have long drive back then.
Should I be more accommodating?

OP posts:
Newbabynewhouse · 27/12/2021 23:20

This is a hard one.. i was a dog phobic child and couldn't be in the same room as a dog even if it was sleeping...however i did get iver my fear through being pushed to be around dogs so I'd say it will actually be good for him but at same time you nees to understand when you have a phobia like that it is crippling so will be very distressing for him..

HunterHearstHelmsley · 27/12/2021 23:22

Has your brother even offered to fund the kennels?! I have cats. If someone invited themselves to visit and expected the cats not to be there, I'd expect them to offer to pay for the cattery. I wouldn't take them up on it (the cats would be going nowhere) but I'd assume they'd offer!

Sally872 · 27/12/2021 23:24

If Billy has a phobia I expect he will need a door between him and the dogs. I have an irrational fear of spiders and couldn't be in the same room as one.

Can you facilitate dogs being in a separate room to Billy for the visit? If so I expect that is the reassurance they are looking for. If not then probably best to let them know and understand if they can't visit. And equally they should understand you can't put dogs outside or keep them in another room.

ChloeCrocodile · 27/12/2021 23:24

There’s not much more you can (or should) offer OP. Shutting your pets in one room is a generous compromise and if that isn’t enough then they can’t stay. When you own a pet you take responsibility for their welfare so keeping them outdoors all day in winter is absolutely not okay imo.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 27/12/2021 23:26

so train your dog so he can cope with kennels and find a kennels that suits you and is willing to help you train him

@5zeds why the hell should she? It’s OP’s house, and the dogs live there. If the DB wants to visit, he does it on OP’s terms because it’s her house.

No way would I be making alternative arrangements for my animals in order to accommodate someone else who clearly thinks a) animals aren’t important (here’s an hint - lots of animal owners vastly prefer their animals to other people’s children) and b) the world revolves around them.

lightisnotwhite · 27/12/2021 23:26

@Willyoujustbequiet

Some absolutely ridiculous replies on herea

To call a child with a phobia a wet lettuce is disgusting. Would you mock those with mental health issues? Shameful

The child is 12. Unless it has seen someone savaged to death by a dog it is unlikely to be a phobia based on anything other than misconception.
tillyandmilly · 27/12/2021 23:26

What a nasty thing to say!

NowEvenBetter · 27/12/2021 23:27

@BlueShirtGirl

I bloody hate stinky smelly vile shitting dogs! Poor kid!!
I bloody hate stinky smelly vile shitting kids! Poor dogs!!!
XenoBitch · 27/12/2021 23:28

I bloody hate stinky smelly vile shitting kids! Poor dogs!!!

@NowEvenBetter

I wanted to post that but chickened out Grin

therarebear · 27/12/2021 23:28

@smurfsss

Urgh. The 12 year old sounds like a wet lettuce.

Tell your DB and family not to bother coming.

WTF is wrong with you?
XenoBitch · 27/12/2021 23:32

The child is 12. Unless it has seen someone savaged to death by a dog it is unlikely to be a phobia based on anything other than misconception

Phobias are not rational. They are not even based on misconception.
Someone with a spider phobia will never have seen a spider kill someone (in the UK anyway). They know spiders are harmless, and are tiny compared to humans. A spider phobic person could sit down and write a list of how spiders are harmless and nothing to be scared of. It wont help one bit.

WasScaredOfDogs · 27/12/2021 23:32

Rather than this becoming a slanging match over which family member gets chained up outside, this could actually be a good opportunity for you to have a positive & lasting effect on your Nephew's life.

As a child, I was petrified of dogs into my early teens.

We didn't have any pets, so the only animals I came into contact with were at friends & relatives.

Cats - Fine.

Dogs - I would (and did) wet myself rather than cross the hallway past the sleeping dog to get to the toilet!

For me, the breed, age, temperament, etc. of the dog made no difference. Even the old, frail, sleeping most docile dog on the planet - I'd be terrified to go near it.

To me, it was just a wild beast that was taking an unhealthy interest in my every move. And it wouldn't go away even if I asked it to!

My biggest fear was being bitten by them.... And because dogs naturally sniff everything - that means their nose and and teeth are getting a lot closer to me than I was happy with - Basically I was terrified of getting bitten or jumped up at ripped apart with its sharp claws!

(as an adult, I realise how silly that sounds... but 12 year old me was terrified of those sharp looking teeth & claws and that snarly, growly noise dogs make when they're just playing and talking "dog"!)

It turns out that one of the "mistakes" I was unwittingly making was to approach a dog and try and stroke its head.... Naturally that made the dog tilt its head upwards to follow and sniff my hand... and that meant those scary teeth getting near my hand again - Fido was clearly trying to bite me and I wanted out of there!!

(a bit like the story of the gingerbread man - when the boy is sitting on the fox's nose, then the fox flicks his nose up and eats the gingerbread man!)

But a lifelong family friend a dog-owner observed what I was doing, how I was interacting with their dogs and what about their dogs that I seemed to be afraid of, or what I was doing that the dog didn't like.

They demonstrated on me - stood up tall above me, reached down to stroke my head - naturally I looked upwards and they pointed out that that's exactly what the dog is doing! - And it clicked!! :D

Thus, they showed me how to tickle the dog under the chin rather than reaching over its head, so the dog was happier and didn't react in the way that scared me.

That family friend, along with another dog-owning family friend (and, in hindsight, their wonderful dogs!!) both completely transformed my attitude to dogs.

Over the years, they observed how & why I was terrified of their pooches. And helped me to understand things from the dog's perspective.

Sometimes they would put the dog on the lead or hold its collar and encourage me to approach and interact with the dog.

Whilst at the same time explaining to me what the dog was thinking.

"He's excited 'cos there's somebody at the door - just like you come to the door and greet us when we visit you"

"He's not barking 'cos he wants to eat you - he's barking 'cos he wants you to play with him. Here, why don't you get that squeaky toy and throw it down the hall for him. See - he likes that!"

"Put some of these biscuits in his bowl for him - see - you're his best friend now!!"

Help them hold the lead when out for walks, etc.

As an adult, I'm fine in the same room and even stroking the most boisterous of dogs!

I owe that entirely to those two family friends & their various wonderful dogs.

I'm not saying that its your responsibility to "fix him"... but if he doesn't have a dog at home - your dogs in your home and around your family would be a good "familiar environment" to help him build his confidence over time. Rather than just isolating the warring factions every visit.

Those friends changed my life - you could do the same for your Nephew :)

WonderfulYou · 27/12/2021 23:33

I think you need to just ask DB if that’s what he means/what else would he rather do.

My dog is kept in one room when I have visitors with baby gates so she can’t get out and everyone is happy with that. I’ve never needed to put her outside.
As long as they can’t attack, jump up, knock over etc then there should be no issue with it being in the house.

SocialConnection · 27/12/2021 23:33

He has a phobia, probably caused by some bad early experience.

Yes, he needs to get over it in order to function in life in comfort.

But this is achieved by professional help, not by just letting dogs jump up at him as one poster suggests. That will just traumatise and reinforce it.

If they are coming, he will be forever on edge worrying what might happen, hearing barking, etc. So will his parents.

There will be an atmosphere.

Options - you go there instead, leaving a dog sitter.

You meet somewhere in the middle.

You lend to a friend for the time family are there.

Whatever you do, have conversations about whether they're getting him therapy.

Speaking as someone with a dog phobic bf way back and a dog loving mum.

DaughterOfEvening · 27/12/2021 23:36

I’m not doubting the severity of Billy’s phobia or being unsympathetic. I’m concerned that DB is trying to exert control in my home when it’s difficult situation that he has created.

OP posts:
SocialConnection · 27/12/2021 23:37

... This is for the impending visit.

Also have quiet conversations with him about what's it's like for him. Great insightful post earlier on from a poster who was helped so well.

lightisnotwhite · 27/12/2021 23:41

@XenoBitch

The child is 12. Unless it has seen someone savaged to death by a dog it is unlikely to be a phobia based on anything other than misconception

Phobias are not rational. They are not even based on misconception.
Someone with a spider phobia will never have seen a spider kill someone (in the UK anyway). They know spiders are harmless, and are tiny compared to humans. A spider phobic person could sit down and write a list of how spiders are harmless and nothing to be scared of. It wont help one bit.

Quite. But spiders have every right to live the same as dogs. Why are we not allowed to call the human response stupid?
blahblah789 · 27/12/2021 23:41

@DaughterOfEvening

I’m not doubting the severity of Billy’s phobia or being unsympathetic. I’m concerned that DB is trying to exert control in my home when it’s difficult situation that he has created.
Is he just trying to set up the visit to see if you’ll do as he says? Because I can’t imagine any parent with a phobic child putting them through the horrendous feeling of sharing a house with what their afraid of. I’m guessing either you do as he say and he wins because he’s in control Or you don’t and he can tell family members how you value your dogs more than your nephew thereby making himself look like he’s making an effort with you and placing blame on you for the lack of visit
HunterHearstHelmsley · 27/12/2021 23:43

@DaughterOfEvening

I’m not doubting the severity of Billy’s phobia or being unsympathetic. I’m concerned that DB is trying to exert control in my home when it’s difficult situation that he has created.
Your brother doesn't get to dictate what does or doesn't happen in your home. Particularly when he has invited himself!

Does he have any sensible suggestions? Obviously your home is your dogs home.

Can he stay elsewhere for the duration of his visit? Is he willing to fund a kennel of your choosing (if you are comfortable with that)?

If not, then his visit just isn't feasible. It's a shame that Billy has a phobia of dogs. Unfortunately, that is his parents issue to navigate, not the put upon host.

XenoBitch · 27/12/2021 23:44

Quite. But spiders have every right to live the same as dogs. Why are we not allowed to call the human response stupid?

I don't think a phobic response is stupid. It is irrational, and the person with the phobia is often embarrassed.

PersonaNonGarter · 27/12/2021 23:44

You’ve been great, OP. Your DB is trying to push ALL the responsibility of the visit onto you, and patronising you in the process.

It’s power play to do with your new home. He is trying to make you uncomfortable in it. As for send the floor plan - fuck that. Your DB is trying to give himself some control of the situation. He or his partner is jealous or uncomfortable about your success. Your poor dogs and nephew are just the tools!

greenteafiend · 27/12/2021 23:44

They need to reevaluate the visit, surely. Can they not stay in a hotel? They also need to look into CBT or similar for this boy. I am not a dog fan and am cautious of all unknown dogs (and I HATE jumpers) but dogs are part of the world we live in. It's going to cause a lot of problems if he can't get his fear down to manageable levels.

lightisnotwhite · 27/12/2021 23:47

Also being scared of of a wild animal isn’t the same as a domesticated pet.
I’d be wary of a wild dog but a family pet has grown up with rules and boundaries as part of family life.
(Also dogs have recognised emotions and big soppy eyes)

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 27/12/2021 23:49

I'd use his language back at him. "Of course I don't understand, I'm not the one with a phobia", "tell me how you'd like to make Billy feel safe". As a parent his child's safety is fundamentally his responsibility so he should be driving this. Embrace silence in the conversation. If he leaves a pause then you do too. And if he asks for suggestions I'd keep circling back to "I don't understand Billy's phobia so I feel this would be better lead by you"

This is a situation where your dogs aren't an actual threat so you can't possibly be driving it. The issue is the "protection" of Billy so his dad needs to drive it. (On that note I'd also wonder should you change the narrative to Billy zones rather than dog free zones)

stevalnamechanger · 27/12/2021 23:51

@NorthSouthcatlady

No. “Billy” ultimately needs to get used to dogs is the bottom line. I’m not a dog person per se but some phobias can’t be avoided forever. Surely in this situation Billy will have upstairs and the lounge / or dining room. They will be in their room. Plus it’s December so why should the dogs be out all day and all night? If that’s what is being hinted at. It’s mild where l am but it might be where you are. Plus l think most places in the UK are quite wet at the moment
Totally agree !